Everything's falling apart an I'm always the pillar everyone leans on

I have always been the one to pick up the pieces and help everyone; including my parents.   The only times my mom calls me is when she is going through a mental break and thinks no one loves her etc and now that my mother has gotten worse (both mentally and physically)  my father has been leaning on me.  The whole 4 days I've been home for the holidays,  he's been venting to me and asking what he should do etc.  I tried to help as much as I could but honestly today before I left that  I don't want to talk about mom anymore.  He said it's cause he needs someone that  talk it through and he can't do it by himself; I told him I understand but both with him and mom I am the only one they come to where  they have problems and I can't be there for them. I have been there for them since I was a child and I have my own problems  that they're never there for.  I can't.  It's not fair and things seem to be falling apart fast.

What a joke

Lol.  I want to cry.  If I'm being 100% honest,  the reason I restarted this blog is because I'm relapsing so badly.  I started b/p again (though not multiple times a day like before).  I miss my coping mechanisms; without them I just feel like everything is too much.  I also started sh. again  😢 honestly I'm 22 and I still haven't learned how to live.
It's sad,  but the only times I feel in control of my 'madness'  is when I'm purging or s.h and when I get small.
I miss being tiny; I wanna get back down to the size I was in Dec 2012.

Working, walking, not sleeping....

This past week I have walked over 16 km almost every day; not including the walking I do at work.  My feet are so sore and my legs have been cramping,  but that's mostly because of not drinking enough water.
I am absolutely  exhausted.  On top of everything my digestive system is effed up; I may have stopped abusing laxatives,  but a few months back my intestines have started acting as if I haven't stopped.  Maybe it's an intolerance to something?

On another note,  I had a proper shower today and it felt so good.  I mean,  I take a showers, but there is always that one shower that happens that makes you feel so pure and clean and good.  Almost like a fresh start and warm hug.
😌
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend  ❤

Back.

Wow,  it has been nearly two and a half years since I last posted on this blog and so much has changed; both for better and worse.
A quick run down  of what has happened over the last while is that during the summer of 2013 I decided to try and recover; I stumbled through my laxative abuse and although I struggled and abused a few more times I am now not using laxatives at all and have only thrown up maybe 6 times in the past year (Yay). I went through a super healthy and exercise freak phase the summer after, however my depression has gotten so much worse, and now my b/p has turned into restricting.  You overcome one thing and you get hit with two more things.
I will post more this week ❤