Back.

Wow,  it has been nearly two and a half years since I last posted on this blog and so much has changed; both for better and worse.
A quick run down  of what has happened over the last while is that during the summer of 2013 I decided to try and recover; I stumbled through my laxative abuse and although I struggled and abused a few more times I am now not using laxatives at all and have only thrown up maybe 6 times in the past year (Yay). I went through a super healthy and exercise freak phase the summer after, however my depression has gotten so much worse, and now my b/p has turned into restricting.  You overcome one thing and you get hit with two more things.
I will post more this week ❤

Internal battle.

I am having this internal battle with myself.  There is a strong nagging for me to try recovery to a certain degree.  A part of me is screaming  "Look what you are doing to yourself!" and that part of me is saying that I cannot keep doing this: I am so exhausted, my body's running out of fuel and on the outside I just pretend to go on like normal, but I just can't continue.   My bones ache, my joints flare up; my muscles get achy and cramp even when I don't do anything physical; my eyes water non-stop and ache & hurt; my skin gets patches of dry, scaly skin; my head pounds; I get weak and shaky a lot of the time and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. 
Apart of me, however, wants to keep going.   I want to see how far I can push myself, how much more I can take, because this addiction - I am not ready to leave behind.  It is my shelter, my mask, my comfort.   But another part of me is screaming to take the vitamins, the iron supplements, the medications.  Screaming at me to at least drink a meal replacement shake and to start using fiber powder instead of laxatives.  Screaming at me to stop. STOP. STOP


STOP.


STOP .


STOP .



but I don't think I can....maybe next month I will try.  Maybe, just maybe I'll try to attempt recovery - and maybe one day I will be better.

Holiday [vegan] baking ♥ and doctors appointment ...

Made some vegan english toffee squares and gooey butterscotch cookies ♥ yumm ;]
Then I'm going to visit my friend in the hospital today again (the one with anorexia), I saw her on thursday as well and I realised I missed her so much more than I thought (I almost cried; we both teared up).  The hospital sucks though - the mental health section of it anyways.  They honest to goodness graciousness have no plan, no freaking recovery plan at all! Like she sees a psychiatrists maybe once a week or every two weeks and she's been to art therapy once in the whole 2.5 months she's been there and that's it.  She just sits in her bed or wheelchair (cause they don't let her walk) and knits or reads or watches approved movies.  They're only goal is to get her to 75% of her body weight and that's all and I am so mad because they're not doing they're job.  I'm not a psychiatrist or therapist but I would do a damn better job and actually try and help in the mental part of the recovery - like I am sooo mad it can't be put in words.  She's my sister (not blood related but we've been childhood friends since her birth) and I feel protective over her and I just want to scream at everyone in that part of the hospital.   She'll be out soon though, probably in the next 2 weeks, she's just waiting for her pediatrician to get back from holidays (cause she's only 17) and she's almost at 75% (74. something right now) so crossing my fingers :] ♥   Also please pray for her recovery and if you're an atheist please send good thoughts and luck her way.

As for my doctors appointment today - I have to get more blood tests done and give in a poop sample - oh joy!  I'm just nervous they may find out about the laxatives, but I went on yahoo answers and a "physician" told me they'd have to order special tests for it and it's only done if a person gets hospitalised a lot for dehydration or if they faint a lot... so we'll see.