My purging has gotten vicious.

I hate when I have horrible binge//purge cycles.  I have eaten almost all the food I have (with exception of a few cans of beans and condiments such as ketchup and mustard).  Not buying anything until Saturday evening, in attempts to curb my binges, because this has got to stop. Not exactly fasting, just going to be consuming absolute zero energy drinks, as well as some non-fat vanilla yogurt; also thinking of maybe doing an 8 day juice/tea detox to help relax/slightly heal my body after all the bingeing and constant purging (yes, this would mean I would not take laxatives for the duration of the fast).   Not sure if I'll do it yet, but I'm considering it.  

On the other hand, I am not sure whether to be pleased with my laxative abuse or terrified at how much I have been taking lately.  A bit TMI, but for the last two days I have been going to the point where nothing, but these "sediments" come out; which I read means there's nothing more in the intestines to push out.   Bad part of this is that when one increases an already abnormal number of laxatives to take daily, you find yourself in more pain than previously.  And I mean stabbing, sharp, shooting, give you goosebumps sort of pain and the worse is when I get them at work. On the topic of laxatives I found this box at the pharmacy that says "purgative", it's about $17, and it says it's specifically for those doing a colonoscopy or intestinal x-ray/something else.   I think I may buy it on Friday and use it since I don't work on Saturday (hopefully my roommate is not back/home on the Saturday, because I feel like I will be in the bathroom ALL DAY).

Back in full swing, in all the wrong ways.

I ate two slices of pizza during my lunch at work and went to the bathroom and threw them up (or at least one and a bit).  Stayed there for awhile and came back into the lunchroom saying I thought something was in my eye; I hid my right hand as the index fingers knuckle was bright red, and I got one of the supervisors looking in the direction of my hand (placed on my lap), but I'm not worried, because it really is no one's business.  I'm throwing up and taking so many more laxatives and I'm going to be working till Friday (I will be working 9 days in a row), and by working a lot I can help with my financial stress/help me pay for when I go on vacation with a friend in July; also it takes my mind off of things and I tend to not binge/not binge a lot when I work.  My eyes also look really weird; kinda dull and greyish white where it should just be white.

 Gained 5lbs while visiting my parents, and let us say I was less then impressed with myself; I've become extremely pudgy over these last few months.

Everything hurts so bad

my chest, my upper back, my middle back, my throat; they are all extremely achy and hurt as if someone beat them up with a baseball bat.  Hurts so much I might take a hot shower even though it's almost midnight and might wake the nieghbours below me.   Not sure why I'm in soo much pain, but nothings helping.

It might also be due to the fact that on top of continuing my daily laxative use, I have also started throwing up almost daily again; back to the same old cycle, the tears, the heaving, the pain and containers filled with vomit (because risking having the pipes burst is too much for a uni student renting a place). Purging is disgusting; fucking gross.  Nasty, custy, ugly shit, but I always do it whether it's through laxatives or vomiting; I am a nasty lil' mess and I hate it.

D
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Also I think my liver is slowly starting to become slower than is normal, because when I drink I don't get a hangover the next day, instead I am still drunk.

All around there are poisons.

Honestly, not only are a lot of common household plants and flowers poisonous, but some plants we eat are as well; at least part of the plants that is.   For example rhubarb leaves are poisonous and mixing them with water and soda makes them even more so; green potatoes (obviously since they belong to the nightshade family),  the leaves and stems of tomatoes, the pits of cherries and bitter almonds that aren't heat treated (though most countries have either made them illegal or made all almonds heat treated).   There are also a startling amount of plants you can find around in nearby forests and ravines that contain poison, either from the flower or stem or leaves; lets not forget all the poisons around us in the products we use, even common eye drops when ingested cause one to fall ill with the runs and terrible stomach pains. I also forgot to mention castor oil; you see castor seeds contain a deadly poison called ricin (a protein), however the castor oil is heat treated during the process and therefore causing the protein to become inactive; thank goodness for that, because castor oil is used in A LOT of products ranging from cosmetics to food packaging to medicines etc.

 Rhubarb leaves; they appear harmless, but are quite the contrary.

I kinda sound like an advertisement/fact teller, but I'm just fascinated with plants and their uses and so happened to stumble upon other forms of poison while researching (I swear to god I am not a dark evil person; maybe I should switch my career choice to botanist ;] )

On another note I am going to see Star Trek into the Darkness tonight ♥  I haven't been out in awhile so I kinda need this, although I am not looking forward to paying however much it costs for a 3D admission -_- I still need to buy my bus tickets home and register for the conference...  Ahh the harsh life of a student living an adult life (ie living on my own means).


Laxatives also seem to be loosing their effectiveness again, which really sucks, because I hate having all that disgusting, fatty, chemical foods in my body for longer than a  few hours.  And I saw a picture of my friend and she's losing weight again, and I know it shouldn't, but it makes me so much more motivated to lose weight;  I haven't weighed myself in weeks so I honestly have no clue how much I weigh, but I have been walking a lot thanks to work and going on walks on Mount Royal. 

Bad binge; bad purge.

Last night after I wrote my previous post I went out and bought myself food to binge on; it has truly been a long time since I have actually "binged" (I bought enough food to last a week and binged on 2000 + calories, not fun).   Needless to say I threw most of it up, used a suppository and took 8 laxatives afterwards.  Maybe it was because I haven't purged through throwing up in a long time, but I was just utterly exhausted and completely drained; I had less energy than I did when I pull all nighters; like all I could do was lay in bed and even browsing the net was hard, but after sipping a sugary drink for a bit I started feeling better.  
I also need to start cutting down on refined sugars, because I feel like my levels are a bit erratic; especially at work.  I will tend to get extremely energetic after I eat, even if it's a "healthy" lunch, especially if I took a lot of laxatives the night before and was a bit dehydrated; or I will just become so out of it and cranky for no reason and I try so hard not to show it, but when I do I just play it off on no sleep (there were sooo many times I almost let out a snarky comment to a customer/yelled at my friends who work with me in the fitting room for talking too much or something).  This would make sense because when I was throwing up a lot back in gr.12 I was always cranky and easily cried and got frustrated at home. I must say it was kind of ridiculous sometimes; for ex. my favourite spoon was in the dish  washer and I couldn't use it or the bread we had wasn't the kind I liked and I would try so hard to keep it in, but would end up crying and being rude to everyone in the house; over a SPOON or bread type (or maybe it was just depression, or something else - purging and starving do weird things to your brain).
 I want to believe I am better in control, but I feel like one of these weekends at work I will just snap and that will not be pretty and after I snap and unleash my crankiness I will end up crying and it will all be a horribly, horrible, overdramatic scene; so I try really hard not to let that happen.

A selfie (it's so hard to take good pictures of yourself); been getting more sleep so although still pale I think I look a bit better :3 

 

I also bought a cute flannel plaid shirt at work yesterday :] it was only $15 and fits perfect; it was from the boys (children's) section, that's why it was so cheap and surprisingly fit my boobs perfectly (cause although they are small, they're still there and boys shirts are made with a totally flat chest in mind; so yay! Another plus is my friend from work and I are going to start jogging together after work on the weekends :"] this way I am forced to exercise and have motivation.  

Took this right after I threw up most of my binge; purging is not fun, hurts, your face swells and makes you look and feel like shit.  (Also sorry for bad lighting)

Up and down; parched mouth and dry tongue.

So I've been b/p these last two days and it's been horrible and I took a suppository and 10 laxatives and I kept going to the bathroom; I woke up so dehydrated my tongue was quite literally dry.  I hate b/p cycles, but it's so hard to stop and the worse is that I plan my binges. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting.

Emergency room

I had the weirdest thing happen to me and finally convinced myself something is not right so in an hour after I hand in my essay I am heading to the emergency room.  super nervous - but I have to go.   I'll update once I'm back. 

Love you all ♥

Sitting in the library crying. Everything's wrong.

I hate being a disappointment - I had two classes last semester with this professor and I did REALLY well in both courses and this semester I have a course with him again and I received like a B on my first midterm and I completely failed the second midterm today (it was online so I got my results back).  He’s going to be so disappointed and I can’t face him telling me anything cause I’m so stressed as it is and I can’t deal with disappointments.  Going to try and make the term paper really good to make up for it, but it’s so hard with 5 courses a week, 20 hours or more of work, and 2 other essays on top of that.  I’m trying - I really am and that’s why it sucks because I’m getting back horrid results.
 I really can't take it anymore - I don't have energy to keep all this up plus my laxative abuse.  I have been drinking energy drinks everyday for the past week to keep me going, but a part of me also hopes all those energy drinks make my heart stop. 
I am disappointment to myself and those around me and I honestly CANNOT deal with being a failure and disappointment; really I can't.
I am on the verge of bursting into tears.  I am so tired, I have taken so many laxatives because that's what I do normally and when stressed I take even more.  My body is wearing down, my eyes hurt so much whenever I venture out into daylight, and I swear my eyesight is worsening.  The outsides of my eyes (like eyelids) are becoming this odd shade/pigment of brownish pinkish oranges and purple pink underneath my eyes - it just looks odd and even though I am utterly exhausted it takes me awhile to fall asleep and I wake up only a few hours later.

*It's kinda funny cause I was feeling semi-ok up until I did my exam and that just pushed me.

I want to disappear.  I want to go away.  I want to vanish.  I really am trying to deal with all of this and make it work, but it's not working and I'm failing at everything including basic life shit.  

Laxatives. Laxatives. Laxatives.

They're horrible, they fuck with your body, they don't really do anything, they're addictive and I just bought a pack even though I said I'd wait till Friday.  Already took 5 - hopefully that and the 2 tablespoons of the fiber laxative I took last evening will kick in soon because I feel so heavy, bloated and disgusting and just not good at all.

bad memory.

I have such a bad memory and with the busyness of my work I completely blank out.  There were so many times today where I took someone's number back, would take their clothes and ask for their number because for the life of me I could not remember taking it.  It's like I don't retain a lot of things, a tad bit scary.  However I have had one episode as a child where I totally blanked out a good 2 minutes of memory - the only reason I knew I lost 2 minutes of my memory was because my brother and mother were kinda freaked out/thought I was joking when I asked to see the new photos my mother got developed, turns out just a minute before I sat down and went through all the photos (there were around 60 of them), but for the life of me I could not remember doing that.  Now it's just the normal bad forgetfulness, except it's getting a bit freaky/excessive, but I was pretty tired today so that probably contributed to it.

 

I have this thing where I like taking pictures of my eye/side of face. 

So tired.  I have no money for laxatives like I mentioned before so I have been using the fiber laxative one and I end up having to take at least 4 times more just to be able to poop in 2 days.  It's been horrible, the only good thing is my appetite has decreased (most probably from not going to the bathroom 3 or more times a day like I usually did).  Dislike this so much, not having laxatives I mean.  Gonna buy some on friday though :] Also cancelling my monthly cell phone plan and going with a pay as you go, cause I'd rather have the money to spend on laxatives - I'm horrid and my priorities are skewed and I have an addiction to laxatives.  I know all this and am okay with it. I just want my laxatives, which brings me to me to my Skype date with a friend.  I'm telling my friend how dangerous laxatives are and how she should talk to our other friend (the one who was hospitalized for anorexia) cause I saw some laxatives in her room when I was over back home last week. I am such a hypocrite.

it's like I'm rainbow - postive outlook = positive experiences

I had a 9hr shift at work today (yay for the hours :]  nay for my feet ;[ ) and decided I would be really positive and happy; and not like my usually happy, more like "I will not allow anything to piss me off" happy.  It was absolutely marvelous!  There's a girl who sometimes works with me in the fitting room, but always handles the clothes, never the customers and it always sorta irks me (because some customers can be very rude and quite stuck up,  plus you usually rotate so one person doesn't always have to stay at the front) but today I didn't let it bother me and I got to know her more and she's actually quite a nice person :]
Downside of today is that about 2 hours before I finished I started getting a headache and my eyes were glazed so bad - I noticed it as I was walking past a mirror and I caught my reflection. They were so glazed, it was honestly odd - googled it when I got home and the first two pages basically tell me it's hypoglycemia aka low blood sugar.  So I ate one pita bread and my headache disappeared awhile after, so it really might have been a drop in sugar.  I'm going to sneak some peppermints or some small sweet candies into my apron when I go to work, because I do not want to repeat what happened at the beginning of December. Nuh - uh cause I can't afford to miss work, I need all the hours I can get. Oh and that reminds me! I have started being scheduled for my requested hours of 15 - 20 hours a week :] so happy ♥

blood, sooo much pain ~

I don't know why, but since about Saturday (while still at my parents house) I started getting more frequent abdominal pains and just like what the fuck?  I took one ONE fucking laxative today! O  N  E!! and normally I take an excess of 6 (usually 6 - 10) in one day.   But today I took one and yet I still got such terrible, terrible pain in my left abdomen.   I don't know, I just never expect to get such bad/severe pain when I haven't taken practically any laxatives today.   Also I have more recently had blood when going to the bathroom - can't figure out if it's a hemorrhoid or whatever it's called (apparently they can be internal) but I don't feel pain when going so I don't think it's serious.

This was last week at my parent's house: cheerios with almond milk and half an apple cut up ♥

also I have no money for laxatives (my cards are maxed out, and I have rent to pay and just paid for March bus pass), but I have this fiber laxative powder I bought back in November/December  so I'll use that for the time being - it doesn't dissolve very well though :/ 

I have been trying to take better care of myself, as in moisturize daily, and do stretches and some exercise everyday.   I'm still debating if I want to start a shake diet, so scared of getting better and it pisses me off at how much of a baby and not responsible of a person I am.

Dancing, eating, drinking tazo tea - don't know what to make of this?

Yesterday I went skating for 2 hours :"]  it cold and I skated for 2 hours = great exercise.  I have also had the house to myself in the mornings, so I put on muchmusic and dance around drinking passion tazo tea ♥  downside I have been eating 'a lot', more than I'd like - but it's all relatively healthy, especially compared to what I usually eat back in Montréal.  Like my body just wanted to eat all the apples, cherry tomatoes, peaches and pickles.   I had about 5 sandwiches yesterday, an apple, cherry tomatoes, peach, and LOTS of  tea.

Good thing is I still have a bit of my laxatives left :]  took 5 last night ~ also I fit into my 12 year old sisters clothes now!  I fit into her 14 year old girl pants (but she's tallish, she's as tall as me = 5'1.5 inches).   So happy that I raided her closet >:] mwahahha

Surprises, tears, stress, exams and just shitty, but great.

Not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but I'm going back to my parents for the reading week which is aka this week.  I absolutely cannot wait to see my siblings, especially the two youngest :3 they're still both in elementary school, and just oh soooo adorable and I love them soooo (I love my other 2 siblings as well - but since the other two are closer to age to me, we're more like BFF's) . 

I have been soo tired, and despite having 3 exams and a paper all within 5 days of each other, I managed to survive like I do every time exams come up.   It actually seemed really short looking back on it.   To add to the tiredness, the same manager that did the schedules at my work for January started doing the again for next week (week of Feb. 24th) and he gave me one shift.  One 4.5 hour fucking shift.   Listen, I asked for 15-20 hours; I worked 22 hours this past week (the week of my exams) and now you're dropping my hours? nuh uh I have bills to pay.   I nearly started crying when I talked to him about it, and I burst out crying once I left.   However, this morning when I was working he came over and asked how I feel and he's sorry for yesterday, that there was miscommunication etc.  I think it's because my other manager saw me about to cry last night after talking to him/heard since she was only a few feet away and decided to talk to him. Anyways good news is he said he'd start giving me more hours :]  and he changed my 4.5 hour shift to a 9 hour shift.   Hallelujah, I was on the verge of totally not knowing what to do with myself, cause bills need to get paid, rent and food and laxatives (shameful spending on my part...) and cell phone and bus pass and the rest of my tuition. 

I don't understand how people say they cannot work more than 8 hours a week during university (aheem my older brother *cough* *cough*).   I worked 17 - 22 hours on average a week last semester and I still managed to get A's and one B+.    If you put effort into it, and give up your social life it's not that difficult, plus there's something very satisfying about being self sufficient ~ 
I'm also thinking, that once this semester is over at the end of April, I want to apply to the 24/7h grocery store, that way I could pick up a few extra hours at night without it interfering with my retail job. 

Back to my reading week, I'm happy I'm going back to my parents for the week because I get to mooch off them: meaning I'll be bringing back shampoo, conditioner, lotion, ketchup, pickles, canned beans, laundry detergent etc.   The only thing I'm dreading is the eating - gotta eat at least semi - normally at my parents house or my mother will go hysterical.

Internal battle.

I am having this internal battle with myself.  There is a strong nagging for me to try recovery to a certain degree.  A part of me is screaming  "Look what you are doing to yourself!" and that part of me is saying that I cannot keep doing this: I am so exhausted, my body's running out of fuel and on the outside I just pretend to go on like normal, but I just can't continue.   My bones ache, my joints flare up; my muscles get achy and cramp even when I don't do anything physical; my eyes water non-stop and ache & hurt; my skin gets patches of dry, scaly skin; my head pounds; I get weak and shaky a lot of the time and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. 
Apart of me, however, wants to keep going.   I want to see how far I can push myself, how much more I can take, because this addiction - I am not ready to leave behind.  It is my shelter, my mask, my comfort.   But another part of me is screaming to take the vitamins, the iron supplements, the medications.  Screaming at me to at least drink a meal replacement shake and to start using fiber powder instead of laxatives.  Screaming at me to stop. STOP. STOP


STOP.


STOP .


STOP .



but I don't think I can....maybe next month I will try.  Maybe, just maybe I'll try to attempt recovery - and maybe one day I will be better.

Hiding. Because I was always good at hide and seek.

My tumblr has recently been filled with such pretty things: flowers, tea sets, cartoon and childish pictures of teddy bears and pink glitter, rilakkuma, twin stars, hello kitty & my melody, hearts, strawberries and anything else that reminds me of the simplicity of being a child and not focusing on reality.  These things bring me comfort, because I can mask my true self through them.  I mask my self through my main tumblr, fabricating an intricate lie about myself for people to believe.  Well I guess it's not a lie in a whole, but it does stray from the whole truth leaving  a big portion out, and thus leaving behind a story quite different than the one I am living in.

Poem by me, that I spontaneously wrote out, just now.  It's just my feelings blurted out in words, and may not even seem like a poem.
 


I am weak and sad,
The blood flowing through my veins is watered down fruit punch;
No nutrition within at all.
My hair is turning to straw,
My hands to jelly, as they shake and the blood
Like a waterfall, falls down from my face
All the time my heart is dancing faster and faster;
It feels like the time of the mute music has increased,
And my heart needs to follow,
But my body cannot keep up.
The pounding in my chest makes me want to heave
And it feels like I have the whole world within me.
The whole world needing to get out
I need it to get out
But how?
No time to think
I just sit
Shaking,
Heart thumping,
Vision blurring,
Perhaps dying,
And I slowly sip some water
Realizing this will all repeat again. 

 

I feel boxed up and thinking of recovery?

 It has never really been about weight;  I first started throwing up as a coping mechanism for stress which progressed and eventually became an on/off  thing with restricting.  I would have weeks were I would binge and purge and weeks where I would restrict and fast and exercise.   This has been going on for three and a half years, and it's gotten to the point where I don't just want to get smaller, a lot smaller, but I want to get sicker as well.  I don't know, I don't really understand, but I know that's what I want.   Sitting here thinking about this I realized how silly and wrong I am being - I mean I could be a lot smaller by just drinking one or two vegan meal replacement shakes and I would be a lot healthier too.   But this kind of thought scares me; recovery scares me, but most of all being healthy and living a long life just
petrifies me for some reason. 

my legs: my calves have always bugged me.  You can kind of see them in the picture.

I don't know.  I may try a meal replacement diet with vegan acidophilus (bio-k) for the month of March without laxatives, but I'm not sure that would count as recovery?
Ahhh things are just too confusing and I make my life more complicated than it should be.

sorry for not updating

I got sick last week (like fever and all) and it was the beginning of new classes so I sort of didn't update in awhile. 

Firstly I must say my acid reflux must be getting worse or there's something legitimately wrong with my body;  I woke up at 4 am feeling awfully unwell, practically fell out of bed and just sat/laid beside my garbage can heaving and gagging.  The only thing that came out was this green/yellow liquid which I'm guessing was bile and my throat burned so bad (the same intense burn I'd get after intense purging cycles vomiting).  The thing is I am not sick, I got over my cold last week and since last Friday I have felt fine and feel fine now as well. It was odd, not fun and it interrupted my sleep :[

Secondly I have been having frequent "anemia-attacks" - not sure what to call it, but I get terribly nauseous and hot and shaky and feel like I need to lay down.  Even when I lay down it takes a long time for it to pass and it's horrible.  I wonder how long I can keep pretending ?

Lonely

and I have no one else to blame but myself.  I have alienated and distanced myself from a lot of people I met when I first moved here 5 - 6 months ago and am more lonely than ever :[  
However this post won't be so depressing like usual cause I have fun things to share:

• I got more than expected for my pay on Friday so went out to Forever 21 and bought myself a knit sweater (it was on sale for $13, normally $29, and was also 50% off so I payed like 6.50 for it!);  a red Marvel, sleeveless shirt (bought it in a medium so it goes just past my butt for $15.80);  these cute retro earrings for $4.80;  super, super, super cute striped headband with bow on it and 2 bottles of nail polish (sparkly mint colour and see-through blue sparkles).  ♥  decided to spoil myself a bit since I haven't been out in months,  had a tough last semester, worked a lot and because I did well in my classes :"] 

The earrings I bought ♥

• I started working out again; forgot how good the burn feels.  
• I got tipsy drunk off 3 coolers last night while dancing around my room to songs off youtube (namely ABBA), cause I'm a loner and have no one to go out with on a Friday night.  Ok honestly I had fun last night, despite being by myself and it kinda being pathetic getting drunk alone: it was fun.  And I got exercise as well ;] Only bad thing is I get very sad and self destructive at a certain point (I think it's the part when I'm drunk, but am slowly sobering up?).

• Despite my bad binges I have managed not to gain weight (perhaps it's because I still abuse laxatives...)
• My bunny and I have become closer :"} I think? it's hard to tell with rabbits -_-' 

Oh and facemask time today :] 

Food and my fat self

So I was planning on doing a fast today, but as life would have it I ended up going to a thai fast food place in the food court.  Their portion sizes are pretty big, but I ate maybe 1/5th of the food before something clicked in my head and I thought to myself "what the hell am I doing?" and  stopped. I managed to stop myself from eating delicious (and their food is honestly sooo good) food that I paid $12 for.  Money down the drain, but hey at least I didn't do what I normally do (which is eat almost all of it because I already broke my fast and paid for it, but nope I'm in control now). I am so happy because even though my fast was broken, I only ate a bit.  I also took 2 laxatives this morning and 3 right after I ate a bit of the thai food which calmed me down and made me feel back in control.  Hmm ya :] I got this.
After leaving the food court I made my way to the shoppers drug mart (or pharmaprix as it's called in Quebec) and bought another box of 30 laxatives and I noticed that this fibre/laxative drink powder was on sale so bought it as well. I swear the people at pharmaprix must think I have serious constipation problems    
 -_-' .

Oh and not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but I was feeling extremely self destructive last week and bruised up my right hip pretty good, as well as my left shoulder; the hip is all purple, blue and turning green in some spots.  I never cease to surprise myself with what I do.

 A close up of my bruise, although this was taken 2 days ago and now it's a deeper purple colour.