no appetite, food, exams, papers, work - no time for sleep

So for the last week I have had practically no appetite (like a cup of rice a day or a few pieces of candy) because I was so busy and stressed and it was just a crazy week.  I had two papers to write and hand in; the first one I am pretty satisfied and don't think I made any erroneous or unsatisfactory conclusions and arguments.  The second essay, however, was a horrendous tragedy - a student from grade 7 could have probably written it.   I had such a hazy head, I honestly could not think straight and I wrote my essay but it is short, and simple and probably sounds something like "apples can come in various colours ranging from blahhh blahh blahh"  The worse part is that that is the course I am doing terrible in;  all my other courses are going great, but this one? nuh uhh just horribly bad - not to mention Friday (the day it was due) was just terrible in general.  I couldn't even take a 2 hour nap, because although I was tired and my body needed rest, it was just not falling asleep.  I was shaky, and cold and feeling ill and so I called in sick for the first time since working at my store (since August), went to bed instead and woke up 2 hours later with stomach pains, went to the bathroom and then took a bad tumble in the bathroom bruising up my calf pretty badly.  As I go to get some groceries and pain meds from the pharmacy, my intestines decide to flare up again and I honest to goodness gracious wasn't sure if I was going to make it back to my apartment in time.  Thankfully I did and sat in the bathroom for at least 30 minutes. Needless to say my whole digestive system decided to throw a tantrum - including my esophagus and stomach.  

I'm in for another crazy week: I worked all weekend, working Monday( tomorrow), Friday and Saturday and I have 2 exams this week - one tomorrow and one on Wednesday and then have two more essays next week.  Oh dear....how on earth am I going to do this?

Some pictures I took during the busy and stressful week - taking pictures helps me cope with stress a bit. 

  

This actually turned out decently cool :] 

 

Surprisingly it was a nice trip home.

Surprisingly, my week that I spent at my parents house was rather pleasant without disputes or arguments and just lots of cooking, grocery shopping and talking ♥  The grocery shopping was nice and a bit horrid at the same time.  I like going grocery shopping with my mom, because it is usually food I don't eat anyways - but she will always buy me a cart full of food just for me ~
The thing I don't like is all the people, every which way, and the aisles upon aisles of unnecessary, utterly unhealthy items people call 'food'.  I just wish the grocery stores would expand their produce and bakery section and shrink the rest; all the processed, refined sugar crap things should be gone as well as most of the meat section.  Okay here's the thing with meat - if you eat meat and you like it, fine, but at least buy it straight from a farm - a farm that doesn't feed 10 billion antibiotics and a farm where your meat is at least fresh and healthy.   Most people don't know it takes 10 days from the time of slaughter to get to your grocery cart and the only reason the meat doesn't look grey and unhealthy is because of carbon monoxide treatment.  So whatever you choose to eat, at least eat it in it's healthy form.

Also, my mom and I didn't argue and had quite a loving week :]  she was pleasantly surprised by my visit and quite happy!  I think that know that I am older she can more easily get closer and relate and it's nice ~ it feels nice.

Cleaning, snow and being sleeping beauty.

So I finally took off the duvet and pillow covers (about time I washed them) and put on a fresh mattress cover, took out the garbage and today after my lecture I will proceed to continue cleaning my room. My enthusiasm to get my room to a pristine condition may be mostly in part to the fact that I think I found [and killed] a cockroach.   Which scares the living daylights out of me and I looked in the corners (where there are holes in the wall - it's an old building), but I don't see any cockroach poop droppings and so my fear brings me to the bottom of my closet because that's where all the drain pipes from the bathroom are located.  I am just hoping and praying that I have no cockroaches in my room and that they came from another part of my apartment.  

Secondly,  I have been sleeping A LOT.  Like holy crap, I think I may be turning into a hibernating bear, although a sleeping beauty reference sounds much more appealing.  I wake up, go to my lecture(s), come back and take a 2 - 3 hour nap, be awake for a few more hours then proceed to going back to sleep.  I am thinking this is either due to my anemia (which I haven't been taking my iron pills for) or to stress/depression.   And I'm also very lethargic; I am a turtle, a hibernating turtle.

Lonely

and I have no one else to blame but myself.  I have alienated and distanced myself from a lot of people I met when I first moved here 5 - 6 months ago and am more lonely than ever :[  
However this post won't be so depressing like usual cause I have fun things to share:

• I got more than expected for my pay on Friday so went out to Forever 21 and bought myself a knit sweater (it was on sale for $13, normally $29, and was also 50% off so I payed like 6.50 for it!);  a red Marvel, sleeveless shirt (bought it in a medium so it goes just past my butt for $15.80);  these cute retro earrings for $4.80;  super, super, super cute striped headband with bow on it and 2 bottles of nail polish (sparkly mint colour and see-through blue sparkles).  ♥  decided to spoil myself a bit since I haven't been out in months,  had a tough last semester, worked a lot and because I did well in my classes :"] 

The earrings I bought ♥

• I started working out again; forgot how good the burn feels.  
• I got tipsy drunk off 3 coolers last night while dancing around my room to songs off youtube (namely ABBA), cause I'm a loner and have no one to go out with on a Friday night.  Ok honestly I had fun last night, despite being by myself and it kinda being pathetic getting drunk alone: it was fun.  And I got exercise as well ;] Only bad thing is I get very sad and self destructive at a certain point (I think it's the part when I'm drunk, but am slowly sobering up?).

• Despite my bad binges I have managed not to gain weight (perhaps it's because I still abuse laxatives...)
• My bunny and I have become closer :"} I think? it's hard to tell with rabbits -_-' 

Oh and facemask time today :] 

I'm going to fail my exams.

I have 2 take home final exams due tomorrow/today and I'm not even halfway done.   I know that my purging and restricting always cause me to be groggy and always feel foggy headed, but it just feels so hard to write this.  It's sad because I know everything, and I'm writing it, but I feel like I'm pushing through a river against the current.  I just have to keep pushing, but I feel like it won't be the best :[ I'll turn off internet for now so I can at least finish 2 more essay questions on each before I head to the library (I'll catch the earliest bus in like 5 hours - so at like 5am).
Ciao ♥ won't be updating until after my art history exam on Saturday ♥

Headache, exams and running on empty

Because I worked 5 days in a row all in the mornings I couldn't really take my laxatives (I took maybe 3 - 4 a day, I still pooped but it was like once every 2 days...) so I took like 7 yesterday :] and feel nice and empty today ♥  Had 2 coffees and 5 black olives - so proud :"] Tomorrow I'm spending all day at the uni to finish my take home, print it and submit it.  I'll only have coffee, no food and than on Friday I really want to go to the gym before I start studying all day for my art history exam (since today I slept in, did laundry and skyped my mom for an hour - so by the time I got to my uni it was already past 2pm -_- so I only had time to do my take home).

Also took a bunch of selfies today - because procrastination ;[

All my self photos should be titled: My chubby face and I

Thinking, and freezing.

Sitting on the second floor of the Arts building, in my coat and absolutely freezing cold.  The other people here have their coats off and look nice and toasty - not me :[ although this morning the sun shone really bright and warmed up my room and I actually felt warm :] it was nice ♥

So far today, I had 18 oz of a berry soy smoothie today (so like 202 cal, but I'll round it up to 220 cal just to be safe) and I haven't taken any laxatives yet. Trying to take less because yesterday I took  15/16 in total and my butt was not thanking me for it.  Not at all.  So I'm going to take 2 laxatives now and another 4 before bed tonight, and hopefully the smoothie with it's fibers helps as well.   AND I need to start drinking more water, because as much as I hate putting anything into my body (including water) I am barely losing weight and my stomach is bloated, bloated, bloated and water consumption helps reduce bloating so I'll give it a shot.  Also I think I'm going to start consuming more liquids because I think I have been waking up dehydrated these past few days;  today I felt like my legs were so heavy as if I was pushing through water.  Blahhh :"[   Working a 9 h shift tomorrow and then working everyday until tuesday.....long weekend ahead of me.  But on Saturday we're having a work Christmas dinner at a fancy restaurant :] excited! I love social gatherings (also sorry if I repeat things from previous posts, I have a bit of a horrid memory ahaa...) and hopefully they'll have something vegan ♥

Lastly,  grocery shopping today:

• apples
• veggie pita 
• juice
• cookies (cause Mr Christie has some vegan cookies and they're so good u_u they're my weakness, but they also help me get through binge urges♥)
• can of tomato soup

oh great quick soup recipe!  get a can of some thick tomato soup and a some instant noodles.  Cook the noodles for 3 minutes in hot water (but don't add seasoning) and add it to the tomato soup = delicious and low cal :] and it's quick to make and cheap (a packet of instant noodles 0.45 a can of tomato soup 1.19 = $1.54 and it makes 3 - 4 portions; just water down the tomato soup a bit cause it is quite thick).

And if your like me, where you are prone to binging on soups I have some advice: get a mug and fill it with soup instead of a bowl, so even if you have 2 portions, you'll have less than 2 bowl portions, but still feel just as full because your eyes are seeing a full portion in the mug (I hope that made some sense).

Writing my essay.

It is due in 27 hours, and I have written 2 full pages so far (it needs to be a minimum of 10 full pages, excluding title page and references.   I am not allowing myself to rush, because I know that always leads to a sloppy paper that makes no sense, so I'm going slowly :] and my first 2 pages seem pretty decent, however it sounds more like a philosophical paper than an archaeological research paper.   It was a free topic and the professor approved my topic, but the two major sources I draw on are de Beauvoir and Sartre - both are existentialist philosophers and have nothing to do with the Roman Empire or history.  But everything flows well together, and although it's more philosophy than I would have hoped for I like how my paper is developing.  Hopefully I get a good mark :"{ also my head is just pounding, even though I managed to sleep from 8pm - 8:56 am (but I woke up like 5 times during the night - I don't believe I have ever had an uninterrupted sleep in the last few months). 

 

I'm also having really bad urges (SI urges) ughhhh and this headache is getting worse as I'm typing - on top of that my vision seems to be really weird/off today.  I planned on spending the whole night in the library, but I may just do at least 6 pages and then go  home and take a nap until 3am and finish my paper after.

I honestly feel so fat, ugly, horrid and wrong.

like always I looked in the mirror before stepping into the shower and what did I see? love handles, a pot belly (from the laxative abuse - I think it's my intestines) scars, scars, scars all over the top of my thigh and hips, droopy boobs, pudgy face, damaged hair, giant calves and flabby arms.  Ate a pita with tomato sauce and mushrooms this morning and had a frap from starbucks and for lunch at work I had a passion tea lemonade (but without the syrup - which surprisingly without syrup has 0 calories :]  ) and for supper a cup of noodles sauteed with pickled eggplant, onions and general tao sauce.   ughhh :[ but I took 8 laxatives once I got back home.

I wish so much to be small, and although my clothes are getting looser I'm not really losing any weight and my body sure as hell hasn't changed.

On the note of laxatives: my stomach pains are getting worse and more all over my abdomen, especially down the center and lower sides, and of course the sharp right (and sometimes left) upper abdominal pains I get and worse of all - only really started about a week or so ago - is the pain in my pelvis area.  It honest to goodness graciousness feels like I am on my period, but I'm not and it's horrible.  I am glad though that when I went to get my UGI and ultrasound they actually took the ultrasound of my whole abdomen and kidneys (since I had to pay anyways for 3 or more organs), but the technician did look a little concerned when going in my pelvic area and right kidney :S also turns out the UGI I had done yesterday was different from the one I had done in April.   This one required a shot to relax my stomach muscles and they took xrays (?) standing up and laying down on the table and they had me roll twice so the barium (which I find absolutely atrocious) could coat my stomach properly.  They told me my doctor should have the results of both in 4 days, so I'll probably hear back by Wednesday.

(what a barium swallow/first part of a barium meal (UGI) looks like)

when I had to lie on my stomach I actually saw the monitor and my intestines/kidneys? I think - I saw this oval shape organ - looked like a small balloon

Also I have to write my paper for my Roman Archaeology class due Tuesday evening.  I'll properly start it tomorrow after I come back from work.   It's just so hard being a full-time university student and working 18 - 20 hours a week to support yourself (which barely covers my expenses - living paycheck to paycheck), but others have it worse and at least I can proudly say I actually do live on my own without my parents support and all the decisions I make are solely my decisions.  Also although I do have 5 courses next semester I'm going to probably try and work 20 -25 hours a week in order to live a bit better in terms of payments; I want to start paying off more to be less in debt.   But there's this new tea place opening and I was thinking, since it's not competition with where I currently work (retail) I may try and apply as a tea barista :] I want to try something new and this way I could work 2 -3 shifts at my retail job and 2 shifts at the tea shop! (I like changing things up a bit, and I want new skills) They're both in the same mall and the mall is only an 8 minute walk away from my uni.  Plus I need the extra money, because I'm moving to a new apartment with my coworker in February ♥  excited :"] she said her boyfriend might also move in with us (we'd still get a 2 bedroom but I'd pay a bit less than half  since there would be 3 of us) which I wouldn't mind and we're planning on moving to a location closer downtown (since that's where our uni is).

Also ----------- I need to call the airline and tell them I'm taking a pet with me so I can pay the extra $50 for my bunny ♥ and I need to buy a pet carrier as well :"{ so much money.  Really hoping my mother's friend will be able to give me ride from the airport to my town, cause the train is another expense I really cannot afford.

But this is the one I want to get - and will probably get because it's the right size and has an opening on top :]
That and it looks like a big purse so I won't have a problem with the public transport (ie bus) when I go to the airport (cause I am not getting a taxi, my last resort would be asking my landlord to drive me, but he's not the most reliable and I'd hate to have to ask).

But I'm also not sure if it would arrive in time for when I leave, so I may just have to go to the pet store and buy an overpriced one. 

fell asleep in the library.

and the security guard woke me up -_- sooo embarrassing....  it's just past 5pm and I woke up at like 11:30 am and had like 8 hours sleep as well.  I am honestly terribly tired all the time, and instead of doing my essay I slept (at least I did a rough note on ideas and arguments in the essay).   I think I'm going to catch the 6 pm bus back to my apartment and take a nap and just work on my essay from home/watch movies during the night (unless the power goes off again in my place, but I don't feel like catching the bus again at night and my bunny is probably lonely without moi </3 ). Oh watched Pocahontas yesterday :} first time I watched it in awhile and I watched the whole thing (sometimes I only watched a part of a movie before deciding I don't want to watch it), may watch Hercules or the Lord of the Rings trilogy ! excited ♥  but first things first: nap time ! (I feel like such a little kid with such low levels of energy and always needing to sleep).

Library = essay needs to get done. and I'm anti social :{

So for the first time in like 3 months I don’t work on a Sunday and it’s a girl from my group of friends birthday (I guess my friend as well?) and they’re all going out, but I’ve decided to stay in and go to the library and work on a paper because

a) I honestly don’t feel like being social (I have hung out with them on Halloween for the first time in like over a month - I tend to shut people out of my life which is one of my many crummy qualities, but I'm scared of getting close to people).

b) I feel like shit because of the constant use of laxatives and the recent loss of appetite (my body is probably disliking me more than usual, and my chest feels weird like it does when I go through really bad purging cycles).  

c) I tend to get horrid upper back/shoulder pain when I drink and I just cannot stand the idea of having to get that pain (even though it only lasts about 20 - 30 minutes, it is absolutely unbearable like I cannot describe the feeling.) 

d)  I have no money to spend on drinking (although I have a bunch of coolers I could take with me to pre - drink at my friends and then go home before they hit the clubs/an hour or so after going - but I don't want to wait for the night bus and I just don't feel like only going to get tipsy while  everyone is going to get smammered and whatnot).  

...... I feel like such an anti social person -_- which I am in a way, although most people wouldn't know  it.  At the beginning of the school year, at the beginning of second semester and beginning of summer vacation I tend to party every weekend for a couple of weeks and then get down to studying/working.  I think I'll just go pull an all nighter at the library or maybe just until 1 am cause I want to go to a service of some sort tomorrow since I haven't been anywhere spiritual in awhile and need some lifting (although I should research if there is a buddhist/jainism worship place as I want to learn more about it and it feels like it's more on my level of morals and spirituality).

Also my middle back/kidneys kill today.   Feels like they have been beat up and run over by a truck - which is weird, because I usually only ever have this kind of pain after a night of lots of drinking.