Surprisingly it was a nice trip home.

Surprisingly, my week that I spent at my parents house was rather pleasant without disputes or arguments and just lots of cooking, grocery shopping and talking ♥  The grocery shopping was nice and a bit horrid at the same time.  I like going grocery shopping with my mom, because it is usually food I don't eat anyways - but she will always buy me a cart full of food just for me ~
The thing I don't like is all the people, every which way, and the aisles upon aisles of unnecessary, utterly unhealthy items people call 'food'.  I just wish the grocery stores would expand their produce and bakery section and shrink the rest; all the processed, refined sugar crap things should be gone as well as most of the meat section.  Okay here's the thing with meat - if you eat meat and you like it, fine, but at least buy it straight from a farm - a farm that doesn't feed 10 billion antibiotics and a farm where your meat is at least fresh and healthy.   Most people don't know it takes 10 days from the time of slaughter to get to your grocery cart and the only reason the meat doesn't look grey and unhealthy is because of carbon monoxide treatment.  So whatever you choose to eat, at least eat it in it's healthy form.

Also, my mom and I didn't argue and had quite a loving week :]  she was pleasantly surprised by my visit and quite happy!  I think that know that I am older she can more easily get closer and relate and it's nice ~ it feels nice.

Thinking, and freezing.

Sitting on the second floor of the Arts building, in my coat and absolutely freezing cold.  The other people here have their coats off and look nice and toasty - not me :[ although this morning the sun shone really bright and warmed up my room and I actually felt warm :] it was nice ♥

So far today, I had 18 oz of a berry soy smoothie today (so like 202 cal, but I'll round it up to 220 cal just to be safe) and I haven't taken any laxatives yet. Trying to take less because yesterday I took  15/16 in total and my butt was not thanking me for it.  Not at all.  So I'm going to take 2 laxatives now and another 4 before bed tonight, and hopefully the smoothie with it's fibers helps as well.   AND I need to start drinking more water, because as much as I hate putting anything into my body (including water) I am barely losing weight and my stomach is bloated, bloated, bloated and water consumption helps reduce bloating so I'll give it a shot.  Also I think I'm going to start consuming more liquids because I think I have been waking up dehydrated these past few days;  today I felt like my legs were so heavy as if I was pushing through water.  Blahhh :"[   Working a 9 h shift tomorrow and then working everyday until tuesday.....long weekend ahead of me.  But on Saturday we're having a work Christmas dinner at a fancy restaurant :] excited! I love social gatherings (also sorry if I repeat things from previous posts, I have a bit of a horrid memory ahaa...) and hopefully they'll have something vegan ♥

Lastly,  grocery shopping today:

• apples
• veggie pita 
• juice
• cookies (cause Mr Christie has some vegan cookies and they're so good u_u they're my weakness, but they also help me get through binge urges♥)
• can of tomato soup

oh great quick soup recipe!  get a can of some thick tomato soup and a some instant noodles.  Cook the noodles for 3 minutes in hot water (but don't add seasoning) and add it to the tomato soup = delicious and low cal :] and it's quick to make and cheap (a packet of instant noodles 0.45 a can of tomato soup 1.19 = $1.54 and it makes 3 - 4 portions; just water down the tomato soup a bit cause it is quite thick).

And if your like me, where you are prone to binging on soups I have some advice: get a mug and fill it with soup instead of a bowl, so even if you have 2 portions, you'll have less than 2 bowl portions, but still feel just as full because your eyes are seeing a full portion in the mug (I hope that made some sense).

Lazy, tired and feeling very alone :[

I'm still in the library and totally do not want to get off my butt and leave.  Maybe it's because I know in the library there are other people while at my place I'm basically all alone :[ ahh well I should go back soon anyways and get some groceries on the way home, which by the way I have finally made a grocery list for (takes me forever to pick foods I want to buy and than I always overthink about the choices and whether or not I'm actually gonna eat them, if they're worth the money etc).

Here it is:

• Kale
• 1 onion 
• Carrots 
• A block of frozen spinach (if they have it at the grocery store I'm going to)
• Orange juice
• More packets of crystal light
• Maybe some tofu...depending on how much everything will cost 

I have rice and some pasta at home to add for soup or to have with the sautéed veggies (I still have some eggplant at home as well).  I think it should last me for 2 weeks....hopefully?  oh the joys of living on your own. well at least me paying for everything by myself means my parents don't really have a say in my life. 

Also watched the first episode of sailor moon and it's so cute and funny and exaggerated ♥.  And I must add that sailor moon and her friend are both ubber slender, yet petite and cute and thin and pretty and just ughh thin! 

Also my dash on tumblr was filled with such petite, thin girls ;[  

and I'm feeling really lonely today (and reality is I am alone, almost always) and filled with this deep sad/anxious feeling that is always there and I can never get rid of it.   Some days the feeling is so bad I don't know what to do with myself, and feel like crawling out of my own skin and crying and I just feel like I am breaking down slowly everyday.