it's like I'm rainbow - postive outlook = positive experiences

I had a 9hr shift at work today (yay for the hours :]  nay for my feet ;[ ) and decided I would be really positive and happy; and not like my usually happy, more like "I will not allow anything to piss me off" happy.  It was absolutely marvelous!  There's a girl who sometimes works with me in the fitting room, but always handles the clothes, never the customers and it always sorta irks me (because some customers can be very rude and quite stuck up,  plus you usually rotate so one person doesn't always have to stay at the front) but today I didn't let it bother me and I got to know her more and she's actually quite a nice person :]
Downside of today is that about 2 hours before I finished I started getting a headache and my eyes were glazed so bad - I noticed it as I was walking past a mirror and I caught my reflection. They were so glazed, it was honestly odd - googled it when I got home and the first two pages basically tell me it's hypoglycemia aka low blood sugar.  So I ate one pita bread and my headache disappeared awhile after, so it really might have been a drop in sugar.  I'm going to sneak some peppermints or some small sweet candies into my apron when I go to work, because I do not want to repeat what happened at the beginning of December. Nuh - uh cause I can't afford to miss work, I need all the hours I can get. Oh and that reminds me! I have started being scheduled for my requested hours of 15 - 20 hours a week :] so happy ♥

Surprises, tears, stress, exams and just shitty, but great.

Not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but I'm going back to my parents for the reading week which is aka this week.  I absolutely cannot wait to see my siblings, especially the two youngest :3 they're still both in elementary school, and just oh soooo adorable and I love them soooo (I love my other 2 siblings as well - but since the other two are closer to age to me, we're more like BFF's) . 

I have been soo tired, and despite having 3 exams and a paper all within 5 days of each other, I managed to survive like I do every time exams come up.   It actually seemed really short looking back on it.   To add to the tiredness, the same manager that did the schedules at my work for January started doing the again for next week (week of Feb. 24th) and he gave me one shift.  One 4.5 hour fucking shift.   Listen, I asked for 15-20 hours; I worked 22 hours this past week (the week of my exams) and now you're dropping my hours? nuh uh I have bills to pay.   I nearly started crying when I talked to him about it, and I burst out crying once I left.   However, this morning when I was working he came over and asked how I feel and he's sorry for yesterday, that there was miscommunication etc.  I think it's because my other manager saw me about to cry last night after talking to him/heard since she was only a few feet away and decided to talk to him. Anyways good news is he said he'd start giving me more hours :]  and he changed my 4.5 hour shift to a 9 hour shift.   Hallelujah, I was on the verge of totally not knowing what to do with myself, cause bills need to get paid, rent and food and laxatives (shameful spending on my part...) and cell phone and bus pass and the rest of my tuition. 

I don't understand how people say they cannot work more than 8 hours a week during university (aheem my older brother *cough* *cough*).   I worked 17 - 22 hours on average a week last semester and I still managed to get A's and one B+.    If you put effort into it, and give up your social life it's not that difficult, plus there's something very satisfying about being self sufficient ~ 
I'm also thinking, that once this semester is over at the end of April, I want to apply to the 24/7h grocery store, that way I could pick up a few extra hours at night without it interfering with my retail job. 

Back to my reading week, I'm happy I'm going back to my parents for the week because I get to mooch off them: meaning I'll be bringing back shampoo, conditioner, lotion, ketchup, pickles, canned beans, laundry detergent etc.   The only thing I'm dreading is the eating - gotta eat at least semi - normally at my parents house or my mother will go hysterical.

Less than a week left before I fly home and my metabolism shut down.

No honestly I think it did :[ even though last week I barely ate and purged almost everything I haven't lost a damn thing.  I think I'm retaining water, so I'm going to try and drink at least 500 ml a day and doing a fast tomorrow until Saturday morning and going to the gym on Wednesday :]  
I worked 9 hours today and I guess that in itself was a good workout (my feet kill, cause I wore boots with a bit of a heel...) and tomorrow I work and after I have to go see my doctor for my ultrasound test results - we'll see what she has to say.   And actually I was half asleep when the office called me on Thursday so I'm not sure if I am supposed to come in at 4:20, 4:30 or 4:45 -_- I'll call tomorrow at lunch to confirm cause I don't want to sit in the waiting room for an hour, also kinda nervous - I mean what if they could somehow tell from the ultrasound that I throw up and abuse laxatives? I mean there's no way for them to figure it out just from that right?  honestly kinda anxious :[   and I'm gonna mention me passing out at work - cause the people at work won't leave me alone about it.......  super annoying, but kinda nice in a way, knowing that people kinda care about you to some extent ♥

Ashley is such a babe ♥ I have always loved the Olsen twins and I really admire the both of them in how they dealt and overcame Ashley's eating disorder.  Both of them are such strong, lovely women - my role models :] Maybe one day I'll be able to get over mine as well.

Thinking, and freezing.

Sitting on the second floor of the Arts building, in my coat and absolutely freezing cold.  The other people here have their coats off and look nice and toasty - not me :[ although this morning the sun shone really bright and warmed up my room and I actually felt warm :] it was nice ♥

So far today, I had 18 oz of a berry soy smoothie today (so like 202 cal, but I'll round it up to 220 cal just to be safe) and I haven't taken any laxatives yet. Trying to take less because yesterday I took  15/16 in total and my butt was not thanking me for it.  Not at all.  So I'm going to take 2 laxatives now and another 4 before bed tonight, and hopefully the smoothie with it's fibers helps as well.   AND I need to start drinking more water, because as much as I hate putting anything into my body (including water) I am barely losing weight and my stomach is bloated, bloated, bloated and water consumption helps reduce bloating so I'll give it a shot.  Also I think I'm going to start consuming more liquids because I think I have been waking up dehydrated these past few days;  today I felt like my legs were so heavy as if I was pushing through water.  Blahhh :"[   Working a 9 h shift tomorrow and then working everyday until tuesday.....long weekend ahead of me.  But on Saturday we're having a work Christmas dinner at a fancy restaurant :] excited! I love social gatherings (also sorry if I repeat things from previous posts, I have a bit of a horrid memory ahaa...) and hopefully they'll have something vegan ♥

Lastly,  grocery shopping today:

• apples
• veggie pita 
• juice
• cookies (cause Mr Christie has some vegan cookies and they're so good u_u they're my weakness, but they also help me get through binge urges♥)
• can of tomato soup

oh great quick soup recipe!  get a can of some thick tomato soup and a some instant noodles.  Cook the noodles for 3 minutes in hot water (but don't add seasoning) and add it to the tomato soup = delicious and low cal :] and it's quick to make and cheap (a packet of instant noodles 0.45 a can of tomato soup 1.19 = $1.54 and it makes 3 - 4 portions; just water down the tomato soup a bit cause it is quite thick).

And if your like me, where you are prone to binging on soups I have some advice: get a mug and fill it with soup instead of a bowl, so even if you have 2 portions, you'll have less than 2 bowl portions, but still feel just as full because your eyes are seeing a full portion in the mug (I hope that made some sense).

I honestly feel so fat, ugly, horrid and wrong.

like always I looked in the mirror before stepping into the shower and what did I see? love handles, a pot belly (from the laxative abuse - I think it's my intestines) scars, scars, scars all over the top of my thigh and hips, droopy boobs, pudgy face, damaged hair, giant calves and flabby arms.  Ate a pita with tomato sauce and mushrooms this morning and had a frap from starbucks and for lunch at work I had a passion tea lemonade (but without the syrup - which surprisingly without syrup has 0 calories :]  ) and for supper a cup of noodles sauteed with pickled eggplant, onions and general tao sauce.   ughhh :[ but I took 8 laxatives once I got back home.

I wish so much to be small, and although my clothes are getting looser I'm not really losing any weight and my body sure as hell hasn't changed.

On the note of laxatives: my stomach pains are getting worse and more all over my abdomen, especially down the center and lower sides, and of course the sharp right (and sometimes left) upper abdominal pains I get and worse of all - only really started about a week or so ago - is the pain in my pelvis area.  It honest to goodness graciousness feels like I am on my period, but I'm not and it's horrible.  I am glad though that when I went to get my UGI and ultrasound they actually took the ultrasound of my whole abdomen and kidneys (since I had to pay anyways for 3 or more organs), but the technician did look a little concerned when going in my pelvic area and right kidney :S also turns out the UGI I had done yesterday was different from the one I had done in April.   This one required a shot to relax my stomach muscles and they took xrays (?) standing up and laying down on the table and they had me roll twice so the barium (which I find absolutely atrocious) could coat my stomach properly.  They told me my doctor should have the results of both in 4 days, so I'll probably hear back by Wednesday.

(what a barium swallow/first part of a barium meal (UGI) looks like)

when I had to lie on my stomach I actually saw the monitor and my intestines/kidneys? I think - I saw this oval shape organ - looked like a small balloon

Also I have to write my paper for my Roman Archaeology class due Tuesday evening.  I'll properly start it tomorrow after I come back from work.   It's just so hard being a full-time university student and working 18 - 20 hours a week to support yourself (which barely covers my expenses - living paycheck to paycheck), but others have it worse and at least I can proudly say I actually do live on my own without my parents support and all the decisions I make are solely my decisions.  Also although I do have 5 courses next semester I'm going to probably try and work 20 -25 hours a week in order to live a bit better in terms of payments; I want to start paying off more to be less in debt.   But there's this new tea place opening and I was thinking, since it's not competition with where I currently work (retail) I may try and apply as a tea barista :] I want to try something new and this way I could work 2 -3 shifts at my retail job and 2 shifts at the tea shop! (I like changing things up a bit, and I want new skills) They're both in the same mall and the mall is only an 8 minute walk away from my uni.  Plus I need the extra money, because I'm moving to a new apartment with my coworker in February ♥  excited :"] she said her boyfriend might also move in with us (we'd still get a 2 bedroom but I'd pay a bit less than half  since there would be 3 of us) which I wouldn't mind and we're planning on moving to a location closer downtown (since that's where our uni is).

Also ----------- I need to call the airline and tell them I'm taking a pet with me so I can pay the extra $50 for my bunny ♥ and I need to buy a pet carrier as well :"{ so much money.  Really hoping my mother's friend will be able to give me ride from the airport to my town, cause the train is another expense I really cannot afford.

But this is the one I want to get - and will probably get because it's the right size and has an opening on top :]
That and it looks like a big purse so I won't have a problem with the public transport (ie bus) when I go to the airport (cause I am not getting a taxi, my last resort would be asking my landlord to drive me, but he's not the most reliable and I'd hate to have to ask).

But I'm also not sure if it would arrive in time for when I leave, so I may just have to go to the pet store and buy an overpriced one.