My purging has gotten vicious.

I hate when I have horrible binge//purge cycles.  I have eaten almost all the food I have (with exception of a few cans of beans and condiments such as ketchup and mustard).  Not buying anything until Saturday evening, in attempts to curb my binges, because this has got to stop. Not exactly fasting, just going to be consuming absolute zero energy drinks, as well as some non-fat vanilla yogurt; also thinking of maybe doing an 8 day juice/tea detox to help relax/slightly heal my body after all the bingeing and constant purging (yes, this would mean I would not take laxatives for the duration of the fast).   Not sure if I'll do it yet, but I'm considering it.  

On the other hand, I am not sure whether to be pleased with my laxative abuse or terrified at how much I have been taking lately.  A bit TMI, but for the last two days I have been going to the point where nothing, but these "sediments" come out; which I read means there's nothing more in the intestines to push out.   Bad part of this is that when one increases an already abnormal number of laxatives to take daily, you find yourself in more pain than previously.  And I mean stabbing, sharp, shooting, give you goosebumps sort of pain and the worse is when I get them at work. On the topic of laxatives I found this box at the pharmacy that says "purgative", it's about $17, and it says it's specifically for those doing a colonoscopy or intestinal x-ray/something else.   I think I may buy it on Friday and use it since I don't work on Saturday (hopefully my roommate is not back/home on the Saturday, because I feel like I will be in the bathroom ALL DAY).

Back in full swing, in all the wrong ways.

I ate two slices of pizza during my lunch at work and went to the bathroom and threw them up (or at least one and a bit).  Stayed there for awhile and came back into the lunchroom saying I thought something was in my eye; I hid my right hand as the index fingers knuckle was bright red, and I got one of the supervisors looking in the direction of my hand (placed on my lap), but I'm not worried, because it really is no one's business.  I'm throwing up and taking so many more laxatives and I'm going to be working till Friday (I will be working 9 days in a row), and by working a lot I can help with my financial stress/help me pay for when I go on vacation with a friend in July; also it takes my mind off of things and I tend to not binge/not binge a lot when I work.  My eyes also look really weird; kinda dull and greyish white where it should just be white.

 Gained 5lbs while visiting my parents, and let us say I was less then impressed with myself; I've become extremely pudgy over these last few months.

Hot nights, damp sheets and phantom smells

So packing everything into my dad's minivan was stressful, but once we got to my new apartment, everything went smoothly.  My dad and I actually spent a good 7 hours outside afterwards, visiting two museums and walking up to the top of Mount Royal, and it was super hot; felt like 30 degrees with the sun beating down on you, which was super nice.   The nights have also been hot, which is a bit of a bother, but I'm not going to complain since I love summer and hot weather.   I think this weather and this move have prompted a more positive me; I'm trying to take better care of myself by washing my face daily, moisturizing, getting enough sleep etc.   I have also started wearing make up (mascara), but I think I will stop since I just prefer going natural and my eyes have been doing this weird thing where they sting and start to tear up so bad tears stream down my face (I think it's because of wearing mascara?). 

Also I had 'scary' dream, well not scary persay, but unpleasant:  basically people were saying I needed help with my throwing up and laxative abuse and so they got this lady to come talk with me and after talking for a bit I said something (which I cannot remember what) and her face kinda looked shocked; she then said "oh I thought this was for attention, not a real case of eating disorder" (or something like that) at which point I panicked and told her we could make a deal, and that if I started eating normal and not purging she wouldn't tell anyone.   I also had these two friends who kept following me everywhere/not letting me be by myself cause they had to 'take care of me' (because of my purging) and didn't want me to run away.   It left an unsettling feeling in me once I woke up.   I don't know, I just don't really like dreams like that.  
My heart/circulation/body have all been doing odd things lately, which I will not get into right now as it is late and I need to get up early tomorrow, but it's a bit frightening yet a bit thrilling at the same time.

Bad binge; bad purge.

Last night after I wrote my previous post I went out and bought myself food to binge on; it has truly been a long time since I have actually "binged" (I bought enough food to last a week and binged on 2000 + calories, not fun).   Needless to say I threw most of it up, used a suppository and took 8 laxatives afterwards.  Maybe it was because I haven't purged through throwing up in a long time, but I was just utterly exhausted and completely drained; I had less energy than I did when I pull all nighters; like all I could do was lay in bed and even browsing the net was hard, but after sipping a sugary drink for a bit I started feeling better.  
I also need to start cutting down on refined sugars, because I feel like my levels are a bit erratic; especially at work.  I will tend to get extremely energetic after I eat, even if it's a "healthy" lunch, especially if I took a lot of laxatives the night before and was a bit dehydrated; or I will just become so out of it and cranky for no reason and I try so hard not to show it, but when I do I just play it off on no sleep (there were sooo many times I almost let out a snarky comment to a customer/yelled at my friends who work with me in the fitting room for talking too much or something).  This would make sense because when I was throwing up a lot back in gr.12 I was always cranky and easily cried and got frustrated at home. I must say it was kind of ridiculous sometimes; for ex. my favourite spoon was in the dish  washer and I couldn't use it or the bread we had wasn't the kind I liked and I would try so hard to keep it in, but would end up crying and being rude to everyone in the house; over a SPOON or bread type (or maybe it was just depression, or something else - purging and starving do weird things to your brain).
 I want to believe I am better in control, but I feel like one of these weekends at work I will just snap and that will not be pretty and after I snap and unleash my crankiness I will end up crying and it will all be a horribly, horrible, overdramatic scene; so I try really hard not to let that happen.

A selfie (it's so hard to take good pictures of yourself); been getting more sleep so although still pale I think I look a bit better :3 

 

I also bought a cute flannel plaid shirt at work yesterday :] it was only $15 and fits perfect; it was from the boys (children's) section, that's why it was so cheap and surprisingly fit my boobs perfectly (cause although they are small, they're still there and boys shirts are made with a totally flat chest in mind; so yay! Another plus is my friend from work and I are going to start jogging together after work on the weekends :"] this way I am forced to exercise and have motivation.  

Took this right after I threw up most of my binge; purging is not fun, hurts, your face swells and makes you look and feel like shit.  (Also sorry for bad lighting)

I seek things I should not.

I am triggering myself.  Literally, I am going through tumblr finding 'thinspo' and 'fitspo' and self harm pictures and posts and now I just want to cut myself up.   Why do I do this when I'm already low? 
But I had a good day; no sleep, but exam went decently and I love the people I work with.  Also depending on how much I get paid next pay (getting my tattoo ♥) and whether or not I get the museum position for the summer; which would require me to move for four months; I may make myself an appointment to a psychiatrists.  First step in the right direction right?  cause I don't know how much longer I can stand this.  

I was also talking to a friend at work and she told me once exams are finished I need to sleep for days and days, and start taking vitamins because she said that, not meaning any offence, my 'tired' look is more of a sickly look and she said it looks like I'm suffering from lack of minerals and vitamins and not just sleep; cause you apparently don't look like this when you only lack sleep.  I'm glad someone finally told me straight up that I actually look unwell instead of all this "you look REALLY tired" crap.   But what she said makes total sense because even when I had 3 nights in a row of sleep I was still told I looked really tired and not rested; not going to take the vitamins because I don't want to get better (yet I want to see a psychiatrist, oh the irony!). 

I don't think I look as bad as everyone says and my pictures don't come out with my face looking sickly; maybe everybody is being melodramatic?

To ease ones' thoughts.

Perhaps I have started writing so much because I have so much I am angry about; so much to say.  There were plenty of times where, I guess you could say, I was worse off or in a more horrible state of mind; yet most problems, and anger, issues and frustrations get absorbed by my skin, and veins and hair and settle there and pile up one by one on top until I feel I must write some of it out before they start to overflow and seep from the pores of my being; before they make me a gooey mess (and I am unsure if I have not started becoming sticky and seeping from them yet).  I must write to ease my thoughts and put my soul a bit at ease for I have not my paintbrushes or canvas or paper or etching utensils to create; I haven't created anything in so long. No clothing's sewn, no pictures drawn, no thoughts painted and no human figures etched onto the flawless surfaces of plexiglass; writing is all I have time for between my studies and work, but at the very least I still have it.


[For mother]

One day you will look at me
And you will finally see me
Shaking you'll reach out and realize
That I am not yours. 
That shouldn't surprise you
You knew long ago I wasn't yours
You made that clear through your words
Your actions.
Why couldn't you come to love your daughter?
What was so wrong with the girl who just wanted to be loved?
Were you jealous of the attention your little girl got from men who'd see her on the streets,
From men in church, from men who would say "no, if it's for you it's free"
As they handed her that toy, that decorated wooden easter egg, that lollipop.
Why couldn't you love that little girl?
Why couldn't you love me?
I still love you
Even if you can never love me back.

- A.J.

Stares and down 8lbs

so I dropped about 8lbs (mostly water weight I think, but whatever).  It wasn't that I was necessarily restricting, just sometimes I have no money and like I didn't have anything to eat except ketchup and rice for the last 3 days or so and I wanted to cry.  It's funny how much easier it is to starve yourself when you know you have food/money for food, yet when you're broke with absolutely no way of getting food (well except for the rice I had) it's a totally different story and you just feel almost as if you're a lesser person, yet when I starve myself when I do have food I feel like 'more' of a person. 
My monthly tax thing of $22 came in today so I went out an bought pizza pops (cheese kind), minigos, pop tarts and black cherry ice cream; had half a cup of the ice cream, 2 minigos, half a pop tart and a pizza pop.  About a minute after I finished I felt so sick and I had to throw up; most of it came out.  I think I'm going to go back to being a vegan; have been a lacto vegetarian for a month now and the food I choose is worse and makes me feel sicker and I believe my body is having trouble digesting all the  fats and sugars.  

Anyways I found a new place for May :] it is small, but cute, tidy and there's a washer and dryer in our apartment.  Plus it's near a river and the Saint-Laurent river and has a bunch of bike paths and whatnot; going to start jogging and cycling a few times a week once I move in (plus it gets super bright out by 6 20 am now).  

The river near my new apartment ♥ 

Didn't post this in my previous post, but basically when I told the people at my work I wanted to dye my hair black (which I did 2 years ago and it looked fantastic) their responses were all similar:

"You're too pale for black hair."

"Black hair will make you look paler and sicker looking."

"You're pale and it wouldn't be too bad if you were just pale, but you look tired all the time."

"You'd look really sickly if you died your hair black." 

"It's just that you have tiredness written all over your face."

"You're pale, you look tired and like the outside of your eyes are red from tiredness and you can see some of the veins around your eyes; black hair would only bring that out and make you look ill." 

"You're pale, but like yellow so black wouldn't look good." 

Thanks.  This was last Saturday and on the Sunday my manager sees me and says (and I quote):

"You look REALLY tired. Are you ok?" 

Do I look so tired that I look not okay?   Do I look so tired I look ill/hungover/ not okay?

Whatever I always have a smile on my face and that's important.  

Not sure if it's clear in the pictures, but my winter/fall coat that was super snug on me last year is pretty loose on me now :] ♥

tingling lips and muscle pains.

I have been keeping a calendar of symptoms for the month of March since I've been getting weird persistent things like my lips tingling, pins and needles on the soles of my feet and random leg pains as well as muscle pains, headaches and my legs and arms falling asleep easy - but it's like I may be getting worse, but I'm not getting smaller.  I just want to disappear, get away from all this stress. It's not about weight, it's about coping with stress and coping with my own existence.

These moments and these days.

I don't know what happened.  Everything was going great today and once I finished work and left it all just hit me, you know?  Every now and then I realize that reality is not as nice and wonderful as I pretend it to be.  I realize I am more than $15 000 in debt, that nobody actually cares what comes out of my mouth, that I am a young girl working 17 - 20 hours a week, barely if at all making ends meet, taking 5 courses at uni and an online course, no partying or hanging out because I have no money.  I am financially stressed and lonely beyond words, beyond feelings, beyond comprehension. 
The thoughts have started coming back more frequently as well; every time I walk across the overpass above the freeway I look down and think how easy it would be to simply step over and fall.
Every time I'm waiting for the subway I think how easy to walk off the platform, how tragic it would be if I was standing too close and someone bumped into me.  But those are horrible ways to get killed, not for the person being killed, but for those around, for the driver, for the witnesses.  It would be absolutely selfish - easy, but selfish and shameful.
It's days and nights and hours and weeks and years like right now that I realize how terribly alone I am and how much I really do despise myself. 
Sometimes I wonder if I took a few weeks off and just went into the wilderness alone, would great Mother Nature change me? would it help me find peace with myself?  because I'm desperate to stop feeling this storm inside me.
Desperate to finally be happy and okay with myself.
Desperate for love.


I hate myself so much I'm crying right now and feel like I need to run somewhere, get away cause I'm crawling out of my skin and need to get away from me. 

Laxatives. Laxatives. Laxatives.

They're horrible, they fuck with your body, they don't really do anything, they're addictive and I just bought a pack even though I said I'd wait till Friday.  Already took 5 - hopefully that and the 2 tablespoons of the fiber laxative I took last evening will kick in soon because I feel so heavy, bloated and disgusting and just not good at all.

it's like I'm rainbow - postive outlook = positive experiences

I had a 9hr shift at work today (yay for the hours :]  nay for my feet ;[ ) and decided I would be really positive and happy; and not like my usually happy, more like "I will not allow anything to piss me off" happy.  It was absolutely marvelous!  There's a girl who sometimes works with me in the fitting room, but always handles the clothes, never the customers and it always sorta irks me (because some customers can be very rude and quite stuck up,  plus you usually rotate so one person doesn't always have to stay at the front) but today I didn't let it bother me and I got to know her more and she's actually quite a nice person :]
Downside of today is that about 2 hours before I finished I started getting a headache and my eyes were glazed so bad - I noticed it as I was walking past a mirror and I caught my reflection. They were so glazed, it was honestly odd - googled it when I got home and the first two pages basically tell me it's hypoglycemia aka low blood sugar.  So I ate one pita bread and my headache disappeared awhile after, so it really might have been a drop in sugar.  I'm going to sneak some peppermints or some small sweet candies into my apron when I go to work, because I do not want to repeat what happened at the beginning of December. Nuh - uh cause I can't afford to miss work, I need all the hours I can get. Oh and that reminds me! I have started being scheduled for my requested hours of 15 - 20 hours a week :] so happy ♥

blood, sooo much pain ~

I don't know why, but since about Saturday (while still at my parents house) I started getting more frequent abdominal pains and just like what the fuck?  I took one ONE fucking laxative today! O  N  E!! and normally I take an excess of 6 (usually 6 - 10) in one day.   But today I took one and yet I still got such terrible, terrible pain in my left abdomen.   I don't know, I just never expect to get such bad/severe pain when I haven't taken practically any laxatives today.   Also I have more recently had blood when going to the bathroom - can't figure out if it's a hemorrhoid or whatever it's called (apparently they can be internal) but I don't feel pain when going so I don't think it's serious.

This was last week at my parent's house: cheerios with almond milk and half an apple cut up ♥

also I have no money for laxatives (my cards are maxed out, and I have rent to pay and just paid for March bus pass), but I have this fiber laxative powder I bought back in November/December  so I'll use that for the time being - it doesn't dissolve very well though :/ 

I have been trying to take better care of myself, as in moisturize daily, and do stretches and some exercise everyday.   I'm still debating if I want to start a shake diet, so scared of getting better and it pisses me off at how much of a baby and not responsible of a person I am.

Internal battle.

I am having this internal battle with myself.  There is a strong nagging for me to try recovery to a certain degree.  A part of me is screaming  "Look what you are doing to yourself!" and that part of me is saying that I cannot keep doing this: I am so exhausted, my body's running out of fuel and on the outside I just pretend to go on like normal, but I just can't continue.   My bones ache, my joints flare up; my muscles get achy and cramp even when I don't do anything physical; my eyes water non-stop and ache & hurt; my skin gets patches of dry, scaly skin; my head pounds; I get weak and shaky a lot of the time and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. 
Apart of me, however, wants to keep going.   I want to see how far I can push myself, how much more I can take, because this addiction - I am not ready to leave behind.  It is my shelter, my mask, my comfort.   But another part of me is screaming to take the vitamins, the iron supplements, the medications.  Screaming at me to at least drink a meal replacement shake and to start using fiber powder instead of laxatives.  Screaming at me to stop. STOP. STOP


STOP.


STOP .


STOP .



but I don't think I can....maybe next month I will try.  Maybe, just maybe I'll try to attempt recovery - and maybe one day I will be better.

Hiding. Because I was always good at hide and seek.

My tumblr has recently been filled with such pretty things: flowers, tea sets, cartoon and childish pictures of teddy bears and pink glitter, rilakkuma, twin stars, hello kitty & my melody, hearts, strawberries and anything else that reminds me of the simplicity of being a child and not focusing on reality.  These things bring me comfort, because I can mask my true self through them.  I mask my self through my main tumblr, fabricating an intricate lie about myself for people to believe.  Well I guess it's not a lie in a whole, but it does stray from the whole truth leaving  a big portion out, and thus leaving behind a story quite different than the one I am living in.

Poem by me, that I spontaneously wrote out, just now.  It's just my feelings blurted out in words, and may not even seem like a poem.
 


I am weak and sad,
The blood flowing through my veins is watered down fruit punch;
No nutrition within at all.
My hair is turning to straw,
My hands to jelly, as they shake and the blood
Like a waterfall, falls down from my face
All the time my heart is dancing faster and faster;
It feels like the time of the mute music has increased,
And my heart needs to follow,
But my body cannot keep up.
The pounding in my chest makes me want to heave
And it feels like I have the whole world within me.
The whole world needing to get out
I need it to get out
But how?
No time to think
I just sit
Shaking,
Heart thumping,
Vision blurring,
Perhaps dying,
And I slowly sip some water
Realizing this will all repeat again. 

 

I feel boxed up and thinking of recovery?

 It has never really been about weight;  I first started throwing up as a coping mechanism for stress which progressed and eventually became an on/off  thing with restricting.  I would have weeks were I would binge and purge and weeks where I would restrict and fast and exercise.   This has been going on for three and a half years, and it's gotten to the point where I don't just want to get smaller, a lot smaller, but I want to get sicker as well.  I don't know, I don't really understand, but I know that's what I want.   Sitting here thinking about this I realized how silly and wrong I am being - I mean I could be a lot smaller by just drinking one or two vegan meal replacement shakes and I would be a lot healthier too.   But this kind of thought scares me; recovery scares me, but most of all being healthy and living a long life just
petrifies me for some reason. 

my legs: my calves have always bugged me.  You can kind of see them in the picture.

I don't know.  I may try a meal replacement diet with vegan acidophilus (bio-k) for the month of March without laxatives, but I'm not sure that would count as recovery?
Ahhh things are just too confusing and I make my life more complicated than it should be.

why do I do this to myself?

sometimes I ask myself that question and the only answer I can come up with is that I just really, really dislike myself.  The funny thing is, if someone asked me what I disliked/hated about myself I wouldn't really have an answer - I kinda would, but it wouldn't be concrete. 

Other times I just feel like I don't have a problem, and that it's all in my head and I'm over-analyzing my situation.  Like these past few days I just cannot seem to understand that I have a problem: sure I take over 6 laxatives everyday, and self harm sometimes and go through months of throwing and starve myself sometimes, but it doesn't seem like a big deal.  I feel like I'm being a baby over this by thinking I may have a problem.  

On an upper note my little brother recieved my birthday present that I bought him off redbubble ♥
It's a children's Pikkalink shirt :"] I bought the size 10 and it fits him perfect with room to spare.
 He was so happy that when I was skyping my mom today before work he was walking around in the background making sure I saw he was wearing the shirt ♥   I honest to God love my siblings so so much.  I do not know what I'd do without them, they are everything to me and they're the ones I think of when I'm at my worst.  

I'm also thinking that once this semester is over I'm going to buy myself a canvas and start painting again, because I feel like when I paint it helps me somehow.

And yet sometimes I like to imagine that my sadness can turn into something beautiful - I do try to be optimistic.

sorry for not updating

I got sick last week (like fever and all) and it was the beginning of new classes so I sort of didn't update in awhile. 

Firstly I must say my acid reflux must be getting worse or there's something legitimately wrong with my body;  I woke up at 4 am feeling awfully unwell, practically fell out of bed and just sat/laid beside my garbage can heaving and gagging.  The only thing that came out was this green/yellow liquid which I'm guessing was bile and my throat burned so bad (the same intense burn I'd get after intense purging cycles vomiting).  The thing is I am not sick, I got over my cold last week and since last Friday I have felt fine and feel fine now as well. It was odd, not fun and it interrupted my sleep :[

Secondly I have been having frequent "anemia-attacks" - not sure what to call it, but I get terribly nauseous and hot and shaky and feel like I need to lay down.  Even when I lay down it takes a long time for it to pass and it's horrible.  I wonder how long I can keep pretending ?

And down the rabbit hole I go.

I have been feeling sicker and sicker.  By that I mean my stomach pains and these "colics" are more frequent; I think it's indigestion, because I always get these acute severe pains after eating a lot. I did end up buying these vegetable capsule things that help your digestion (called Digestaction; supposed to help eliminate bloating, gas, indigestion and help boost a slow metabolism), but I don't think it's been working particularly well.   The weird thing about these "colics" I seem to be getting is that the pain subsides a lot when I lay or recline on my back (it usually takes a minimum of 30 min of laying down on my back for me to be okay to sit up and stand up).

Another thing: fluorescent lights - the ones found in most stores - really make me look super washed out pale.  I caught my reflection in a mirror yesterday as I was working at my job and realized how bad my complexion actually looked (no wonder everyone always asks if I'm okay and always points out how pale I am, cause those lights make me look scary shitty).   And as I'm typing this I am forcing myself to drink at least a cup of water (slowly of course), as I feel so nauseous, unwell and I feel like my blood pressure is low.  Cracked open my window a bit too, and the cold frigid air is doing me some good.

Ughh... that's how I feel most of the time.  Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I dislike myself so much?

Too late for questions cause I went down the rabbit hole long  

ago and my curiosity keeps taking  me further into "wonderland"

If you can call it that

uhhh cleaned up my room and discovered I'm a bit of a disgusting creature.

so that pot full of tofu and rice that I think I left for a week or so? I opened it, slammed it shut and threw it (along with the pot) into the garbage.  I wanted to barf; there was mold, mold everywhere.
oh but my room is a lot cleaner, you can see my floor and I finally found my ipod :] couldn't hold back taking some selfies as it has much better quality than my web cam.

So this is me ^ I find whenever I take some self photos they always make me appear like I'm 12 or 13  - but I swear I'm a second year uni student! ohh and this is the shirt I'm wearing on the plane and bus ride home today :] it was on sale in september at forever 21: $4.99 such a good price and it's comfy and hides my fat.

I probably won't update until this evening, if I have time.  Also eaten only 1 yam since Sunday and had coffee and laxatives - making myself empty so I have room (and less guilt) to eat my fave potatoes ♥

self control? it's back in the game :]

instead of going out to the store and needlessly spending my money on sugar filled liquids aka juice I simply drank a cup of water ♥

I want to lose another 4 - 5 lbs in the next 6 days so I can look fab for the Christmas dinner my youth group back home is hosting :]

Also I wrote 3 full pages of a letter for my friend who is actually in the hospital for anorexia (she's been in there for over 2 months now).   When she first started dropping weight dramatically there was this sort of jealousy in me.  I did not want it there, but it was there; she was so small, so frail and I was still this big cow.  But now that feeling is gone and my love for her is back to the fullest.  She's one of my two best childhood friends and we all grew up as sisters basically.   Obviously I haven't seen her yet since I'm still up here in Montréal until Wednesday, but I wrote her a letter that I hope will sort of get through to her (she doesn't know I suffer from purging and she will not find out, nobody will).   She pretends she's doing better and has gained back 30 lbs (she needs to gain another 15 to be released - her body weight was so low her heart was giving out), but my other childhood best friend (let's call her G) tells me that M (the one in the hospital) told her she gets up early to exercise and manages to sneak her way on scales and find out how much she weighs (but the hospital is kind of weird in the sense that they will not allow her to get even the slightest exercise; i.e. she's not even allowed to walk, they told her she has to use a wheelchair to get around).
I miss her a terrible bunch, and I really, really, really hope my letter clicks a bit with her.  She's such a beautiful, beautiful girl and she's younger than me by a few years and this was supposed to be her last year of high school.  Please pray for her recovery, because I really want her to go back to being that happy, un- obsessed girl who would eat junk food and complain about how diets are too hard and how food is good.  I want her to be back to be the healthy (and she was not overweight at all) girl she once was.  I really need her to recover, because I know how an ed can consume you and twist you and your life and I don't want her to have to spend the rest of her life living like that.  I honestly love her like my own sister, and in the letter at one point I told her "I love you like a sister and a sister cannot lose her sister. Remember this."
This is why when I go see her in a week, I'm going to layer myself a lot and rosy my cheeks up, because I DON'T want her to notice I lost weight - I'd rather look like a gigantic whale and have her believe I put on weight than her see I lost weight.  (although I most definitely hope other people notice my weight loss, but I have to keep it away from her - I just don't want to trigger her).  Sometimes I am a giant hypocrite, but sometimes to protect the ones you love, you need to be.

Random and awkward change of topic (because I suck at transitions sometimes - which happens often when I write papers): my butt has gotten unbelievable flat and looks horrid in dresses.  Doing some squats and butt lifts here and there between studying and getting up to use the bathroom.