Realizations, but no solutions.

I've come to the realization, not too long ago, that I need help; I am unwell and I do not know how much longer I can keep going by myself.  Today on skype, I told my mother how sometimes I think about quitting university, working for a year, moving to Europe and doing university there.  But it would still be just as hard there as it is here, she told me, and I don't know I almost broke down crying, but I did not and I just avoided looking at the screen/her and I just told her again that it was all too hard for me.  She asked why I didn't stay in Toronto and I told her it would have been harder there; the rent is at the very minimum twice as expensive and public transportation is almost thrice that much.  We were both silent for a few seconds and then she suggested I move back and finish university at our university in my hometown (it is one of the highest ranking in Canada, and it's top party school).  I was a bit thrilled my mother had offered, but I have too much pride sometimes to move back and it is too late to transfer.   Even if I did decide for next year to transfer universities, not all my credits would go through and I wouldn't be able to live with my parents for so long; but I think I have come up with a compromise that may save me a bit next year.  I have decided for next summer I will sublet my apartment and stay 4 months with my parents and work at one of the two museums in my hometown.   Now I know it doesn't make sense for me to go back to my parents, but realizing how unwell I am and unstable, it just honestly scares me, and by being around people all the time (my siblings, my parents etc) and by having my parents still be a little controlling, I think I could relax a bit more and not be so afraid and isolated and scared of myself for what I might do to myself. Sometimes I hope; despite how horrible it is; that my heart may stop from all the abuse I have been putting my body through, and that I am somehow saved and thus my parents find out and take me home/I get put into treatment and this is where I am losing my train of thought and everything becomes unclear and I no longer know what I wanted to say or what the conclusion of this thought/paragraph was.

But I do not think I can last until next summer.  I am way to far over in this, and it's not going away.  I don't think it ever will.

All good things must come to an end.

I'm referring to that feeling I had a week or so ago when I just felt calm, like I didn't want to die.  Well here I am once again feeling that awful feeling and not wanting to live.  I know I sound so casual talking about it, but it's just something I experience so often that I have normalized it to a certain degree; but I also don't want to die.  If I could I would re-make myself; get a new id, new birth certificate, new age and move to a different country and start university all over and finally live my life.   Even if I did manage to get a new id and everything I couldn't just leave because people wouldn't know what really happened and I think it would really hurt my siblings and parents more than suicide.  On the subject of siblings and parents, I think my sister has major hormonal problems/imbalances at which my mother got mad at me for when I told her this through skype (anything hormonal/psychiatric/any health problems that have anything to do with behaviour is huge stigma with my mother).   I skyped my mother, who was really upset, because it turns out my sister; my 12 year old sister; called my mother a  "stupid fucking bitch" for no reason.  They weren't even having an argument.  Basically they were walking from the bus stop and my mother told my sister that she made her favourite salad and my sister responded by saying "I didn't even want that you stupid fucking bitch."  Yes that is way out of line for any child to say to a parent; downright disrespectful and my mother cried for two hours afterwards.  The thing is though that my sister was totally happy and suddenly turned angry, and this happens often.  She can be happy and fine and the next minute she is mad at everyone and acting like everyone is doing something wrong. My family is not rich, my sister is not spoiled like most kids, and she was very sick when she was a toddler and had to take strong medication and steroids for it and I honestly think it just wacked her hormones/something is not right, because that is not 'normal' behaviour. Anyways I told this to my mom, as it is concerning, and she just shut me down.  She accused me of trying to make my sister into a 'sick' person, when really all I said was maybe she has a hormone problem and maybe she should take her to the doctor because this has been going on for years.  Okay so I'll let my mother do what she thinks is best, but this just opened up a discussion about our own relationship with each other, which made me realize how broken our relationship really is; which I already knew, but sometimes it's nice to ignore the ugly stuff we can in our lives; and then my mother said something that made me want to mend this relationship.  Not leave it in the corner and go on stepping over dust and broken glass, but actually clean it up and start anew.   My mother said "I only ever cried at your birth. Out of all five children I only cried for you."  I didn't understand so I asked why and she told me "because you were a girl.  I finally had a daughter, I was so happy. You were my first girl." And now I feel even more lost than ever, because all this time I believed my mother wanted to love me, but couldn't, yet it seems she loved me enough to cry only for me when I was born; now I have to try and rearrange and organize and construct new theories and ideas to make sense of our relationship and behaviours to one another. 

I'm honestly thinking if I can't figure things out; everything and just a few things; I might go to a florist and buy a plant or two of poisonous flowers and drink them as tea or put them in my salads (depending on the plant).  This way it will take a few days/weeks, would most likely not look like suicide and gives me time to change my mind and/or tie up lose ends and get all my business in order.
If I did do this, it would not be now, I would wait until August or September maybe.  I don't know things change, hopefully they will for the better. 

To ease ones' thoughts.

Perhaps I have started writing so much because I have so much I am angry about; so much to say.  There were plenty of times where, I guess you could say, I was worse off or in a more horrible state of mind; yet most problems, and anger, issues and frustrations get absorbed by my skin, and veins and hair and settle there and pile up one by one on top until I feel I must write some of it out before they start to overflow and seep from the pores of my being; before they make me a gooey mess (and I am unsure if I have not started becoming sticky and seeping from them yet).  I must write to ease my thoughts and put my soul a bit at ease for I have not my paintbrushes or canvas or paper or etching utensils to create; I haven't created anything in so long. No clothing's sewn, no pictures drawn, no thoughts painted and no human figures etched onto the flawless surfaces of plexiglass; writing is all I have time for between my studies and work, but at the very least I still have it.


[For mother]

One day you will look at me
And you will finally see me
Shaking you'll reach out and realize
That I am not yours. 
That shouldn't surprise you
You knew long ago I wasn't yours
You made that clear through your words
Your actions.
Why couldn't you come to love your daughter?
What was so wrong with the girl who just wanted to be loved?
Were you jealous of the attention your little girl got from men who'd see her on the streets,
From men in church, from men who would say "no, if it's for you it's free"
As they handed her that toy, that decorated wooden easter egg, that lollipop.
Why couldn't you love that little girl?
Why couldn't you love me?
I still love you
Even if you can never love me back.

- A.J.

can everyone stop pointing out how tired I look all the time?

Yes I know I look tired; I AM tired.  I've been working 22 - 33 hours each week for the last 4 weeks; I've had 4 term papers to write; I have exams to study for; I have exams to write.  Obviously I look tired.  I know that.  You also do not need to point out my bags are pretty bad and that I look extremely tired, not just tired, and that around my eyes are red.  I get it;  I look like shit; I look like a fuckin' zombie, please stop.  You telling me how tired I look will not magically make me look not tired all of a sudden; it will not magically create more time in the day time so I can get more hours of sleep; it will not make my exams disappear.

I needed to vent - so many things are stressing me out and giving me anxiety and just generally making things bad so like always I vent about the smallest thing, but it helps calm me down a bit.  I did stand with my feet halfway across the line at the metro; about a step away from the edge and there were a lot of people; an accidental bump or push. I couldn't do it, but there was this small rush flowing through me, like what if I did take that extra step? But the subway came from the other end and so by the time it reached my end it was practically stopped and I was disappointed.  What a pity I didn't die.

This is all driving me over the edge and I just want to cut up my thighs again.  Open me up and let me break; die, cry, pathetic like I am.

I hate myself. I know I have written this many times before, but I just hate myself so much.

blaaaah blaah blaaah I should shut up.

I have been feeling suicidal almost constantly/daily for the last two weeks or so it is horrible and I just want to cry and heave all these feelings out of me. I want to throw up this hurt, cut out this shame and forget these thoughts.  I hate myself. I hate myself.  I hate myself and that makes me sad. 

I went bowling with my work after work today; only stayed for one game, it was fun, but I got extremely sad and lonely for some reason.  Also finally decided I'm getting my thigh tattoo, either in two weeks or three; either a quote by Edvard Munch or Virginia Woolf; cannot yet decide.

I feel so worthless and ugly

I do.  I feel like no one wants me or needs me and realized how alone I actual am.  I hate this, I hate my situation, but mostly I just hate myself.  A lot.

Wilting away. I die, and then breath and die once more.

I'm like a plant.  I wilt in winter. It's actually quite sad.  Actually I am probably more like a tropical plant, because even when spring time comes around I find it hard to bloom again.

Very few people know what this feels like; never fully living.   Everyday is a struggle against yourself, a struggle to keep living and to stop yourself from killing yourself.  It's tiring getting up everyday, telling yourself it's okay and you're going to make it.  Pushing yourself everyday to keep living, pushing yourself to do the small things like shower, do the laundry, wash the dishes, pick the clothes up from your floor and so on.  Sometimes I'll have weeks where I'm plagued with suicidal thoughts that are so strong I honestly don't know what to do with myself.  I sit on my bed wanting to scream, to crawl out of my skin; I just sit and shake and sometimes cry.  Other times I feel better, in the sense that I don't feel suicidal all the time, maybe once during the week or once in two weeks.  Those weeks are nice,  I feel like my battle is a bit less tense and that I have a tiny bit of space.  A clutter of space, but some space nonetheless.  Those weeks are nice, but still hard, by the end of the day I always feel terribly lonely and sadder than I was when I woke up.  I feel overwhelmed, disgusted with myself and just never know what to do with myself.  It's a bit sad how days like that I consider my better days.

Today, after class I am finally going to do my laundry, because I ran out of underwear and socks to wear (actually I ran out 2 days ago - I have been going commando since then).   I'm going to wash my dishes (again), finally put on my sheet that goes over my mattress, and I'll try really hard to exercise a bit today and I'll try not to think of all the bills I have to pay.  Also, I've been finding stairs harder, and harder to climb - my heart always feels like a ball bouncing off a wall and I'm so out of breath after just 2 flights of stairs it's ridiculous,  and I've been getting this headache right above my eyebrows and now it's spread to my eyes (like behind my eyes - which I think is because I need glasses).

See, I complain a lot - I am such a selfish, horrid person when it comes to my thoughts.  Honestly, I have a roof over my head which some people don't have, I always complain, and I'm a hypocrite.  But I try, I really do try to be a good person.







Fuck everything.

sometimes, all the time, it's too frequent...

this unbearable feeling is too much sometimes.  It's too often with me, all the time, everyday.   I carry it around with me and I don't think it will ever leave.  

I honestly think I should tell someone and get some help, and I was thinking of going to see a counselor at the uni since it's free for students, but than I found out you only get 10 sessions in the whole 3 or 4 years that you attend the university.   I guess I was just meant to deal with this on my own, just like I deal with everything else in my life.  

Bought a bag of airheads and ate them all during my mythology lecture - 470 calories in my body.   Took 4 laxatives so far today, taking another 3 after class so hopefully that's 470 calories out of my body and I know what you're going to say "but laxatives don't cause weight loss because most calories are already absorbed blah, blah, blah" well yeah I know that, but I also highly doubt that as well.  I mean I've gotten to the point where most of the time the stuff that comes out the other end looks more like vomit than poo.  No honestly it's true, I can tell EXACTLY what I ate (plus I never chew properly, so there's like chunks of carrot, and pieces of noodles and spinach and anyone would be able to tell what I ate) and you could honestly mistake it for vomit.   Secondly if it is more like poo it is either yellow or bright green meaning that the bile from my liver barely got digested or didn't get digested at all - including in the small intestine.   Now I don't know exactly how everything functions, and I know that laxatives work on the large intestine, but I'm sure after prolonged abuse other parts of your digestive system get affected.   So yes, most of the weight is probably water weight, but I'm sure I'm also purging a majority of the calories I consume as well (and much needed minerals and vitamins :[ I need to get a multi vitamin to take daily).  

Also had a mini binge yesterday.  Was really upsetting, but I didn't gain anything :]

Plan is to lose 2 lbs by Friday (so I can be a bit smaller than I currently am when I go get my liver ultrasound and UGI done).  Going to do a liquid fast tomorrow and Thursday and a total fast (no liquid, no food) from 8 pm on Thursday - but that's only because I need to do the total fast for my medical tests.  

Ohh! and my work is having a Christmas dinner on the 8th of December :] I am so excited! I haven't gone out/been social in forever and this is a great excuse to go.  Plus because I'm vegan, there will be probably a lot less that I can eat so I won't really have to worry about food.   The 8th is 18 days away (so 2 weeks and 4 days) so I plan on being 10 - 12 lbs lighter ♥
And my absolute goal is to be 20 - 24 lbs lighter by the 19th of December (although I think if I manage to be at least 15 - 17 lbs lighter I'll be happy as well for the time being).

*one thing to note on the plus side: my boobs are a bit smaller, I can know wear sports bras all the time (or just undershirts) teehee :] I know a lot of girls like big boobs, and I have nothing against big/normal boobs - I think they're gorgeous - but me personally I prefer being small chested (just a personal preference, just like some girls like long hair, or big butts or flat butts - it's all a matter of what you like on yourself).     so yay ♥  also means I can find more children's shirts that fit (I have a few "L" aka 11/12 or 12/14 year old sized shirts - they're cheaper and in my home province there's less taxes on childrens clothes :"}  ) 

Plus I like look almost flat chested, especially in girly dresses - makes me feel girly and petite.

beans, and laxatives, laxatives, laxatives and more laxatives!

“You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

because I am such a lovely person the "I'll try to take less laxatives" yesterday turned into a "take the last 3 laxatives, buy more and take 5 more all before 2pm".  Oh my digestive system is probably ready to kill me (and I'm not sure if that's in the literal sense either...).  Ughhhh  :[ also I'm pretty sure because I'm vegan + my purging that I may have developed some deficencies.  I think the biggest hint is that my vision is getting worse (like black and white videos are hard for me to tell what is what cause it all blurs together and I can't see words from afar), my bones/joints hurt (in my hands and feet and knees) and my muscles, especially in my legs, cramp and hurt all the time plus my back pain, but I've always had bad back pain.  I swear I may look young on the outside, but on the inside I feel like an old lady -_- I wonder how I will feel when/if I actually do grow old or in the next 10 years or the next 5 or however long I'll live.

I also feel like this is by far the worst year for me in terms of purging and the unbearable sad feeling (depression). I just feel like I am losing myself, faster than ever before; losing my sanity and feeling empty and nothing yet overflowing and I just don't know what to do with myself.  I honestly don't know how I can keep living with this, it's so unbearable, but I just keep telling myself "3 more years, just 3 more years of university and than you can move somewhere warm and to Europe and you'll feel better you'll see."  But I don't know if I can hold on for 3 more years.  I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and I've felt like I've hit rock bottom a few times in my life, but I was wrong because I feel like I'm a lot deeper than ever before and I still haven't hit the bottom.  I'm scared that I won't be able to pull myself out and if I hit the bottom this time, it will be disastrous. I'm scared because sometimes, at night, all alone, I'll think of death and dying and after lots of thinking I now know a way that  would be 100% successful.  I'm scared because I'm going insane, but I think if I started painting and drawing again I'd feel a bit better (I drew a bit a few days ago and it helped me vent a bit and calm down a bit).   I guess artistic people (including musicians) are seen as a bit on the crazy side sometimes because when you're crazy art seems to be one of the only ways to help get things out a bit and control them to a certain extent.

When I was 16, I believe, I took a sociology class and also learned about mental illness.  The teacher said that people between like 17 - 22 have the biggest chance of developing schizophrenia and how people with mental illness have a higher chance as well and then she went on to tell us stories about successful young university students having serious mental breakdowns/getting schizophrenia. It scared me so much :[  still scares me.

I guess the only thing that really gets me through is thinking about my little sister (she's 7 years younger than me).  I think about her and how she would feel if I left and how terrible it would be not to have your sister anymore, because a sister is very much needed and I put myself in her shoes and think if I ever lost her I don't think I could go on.  I know my brothers and parents would also be devastated, but honestly it's really me thinking about my sister that helps me get through most nights.


Also, yesterday I wrote how I plateau'd right? well actually I have one of those old fashion scales (no money for a digital one ahahaha) and didn't realize it wasn't at 0 but at 2 so I actually lost 4 lbs in the last week and a half and not 2 lbs. But I ate veggie sushi today so I think I gained back at least 1 lb :[   but I took like 8 laxatives already so maybe the veggie sushi won't cause me to gain weight. I swear if I step on the scale tomorrow morning and I'm not less than today I will cry (in the literal sense).

Everything ready to spill, no one to catch it.

I have so much I wish I could say, wish I could get off my chest, but I have no one.  No one who would really listen and try to help, no one I trust enough to tell.
This secret, this life I live that no one know about is honestly such a burden, but in a way I'm happy no one knows because then everyone can go on believing I am that "happy, animal loving, caring girl" and no one wil "tsk tsk look what you've done to yourself" when I keep getting sicker - because no one will know.  No one will suspect.


Also like I mentioned in the previous post: I feel like total crap.  I guess that's because I am.....but in all seriousness all my muscles hurt and I am beyond tired (which is normal, but it gets tiring being tired ahahaha my puns are great), and the pain in my hands keeps getting worse and occurs more often,  and my back is all in knots and it feels like I did over 300 crunches, and I'm lonely and sad and I just need someone.
I just want to sleep, sleep sooo bad and wake up in the springtime when the sun is warming up the earth again and everything is being reborn and maybe then, I too will be reborn and learn to live again.  Live well and proper.   Oh simple dreams, if they could only come true.