Thinking, and freezing.

Sitting on the second floor of the Arts building, in my coat and absolutely freezing cold.  The other people here have their coats off and look nice and toasty - not me :[ although this morning the sun shone really bright and warmed up my room and I actually felt warm :] it was nice ♥

So far today, I had 18 oz of a berry soy smoothie today (so like 202 cal, but I'll round it up to 220 cal just to be safe) and I haven't taken any laxatives yet. Trying to take less because yesterday I took  15/16 in total and my butt was not thanking me for it.  Not at all.  So I'm going to take 2 laxatives now and another 4 before bed tonight, and hopefully the smoothie with it's fibers helps as well.   AND I need to start drinking more water, because as much as I hate putting anything into my body (including water) I am barely losing weight and my stomach is bloated, bloated, bloated and water consumption helps reduce bloating so I'll give it a shot.  Also I think I'm going to start consuming more liquids because I think I have been waking up dehydrated these past few days;  today I felt like my legs were so heavy as if I was pushing through water.  Blahhh :"[   Working a 9 h shift tomorrow and then working everyday until tuesday.....long weekend ahead of me.  But on Saturday we're having a work Christmas dinner at a fancy restaurant :] excited! I love social gatherings (also sorry if I repeat things from previous posts, I have a bit of a horrid memory ahaa...) and hopefully they'll have something vegan ♥

Lastly,  grocery shopping today:

• apples
• veggie pita 
• juice
• cookies (cause Mr Christie has some vegan cookies and they're so good u_u they're my weakness, but they also help me get through binge urges♥)
• can of tomato soup

oh great quick soup recipe!  get a can of some thick tomato soup and a some instant noodles.  Cook the noodles for 3 minutes in hot water (but don't add seasoning) and add it to the tomato soup = delicious and low cal :] and it's quick to make and cheap (a packet of instant noodles 0.45 a can of tomato soup 1.19 = $1.54 and it makes 3 - 4 portions; just water down the tomato soup a bit cause it is quite thick).

And if your like me, where you are prone to binging on soups I have some advice: get a mug and fill it with soup instead of a bowl, so even if you have 2 portions, you'll have less than 2 bowl portions, but still feel just as full because your eyes are seeing a full portion in the mug (I hope that made some sense).

Wilting away. I die, and then breath and die once more.

I'm like a plant.  I wilt in winter. It's actually quite sad.  Actually I am probably more like a tropical plant, because even when spring time comes around I find it hard to bloom again.

Very few people know what this feels like; never fully living.   Everyday is a struggle against yourself, a struggle to keep living and to stop yourself from killing yourself.  It's tiring getting up everyday, telling yourself it's okay and you're going to make it.  Pushing yourself everyday to keep living, pushing yourself to do the small things like shower, do the laundry, wash the dishes, pick the clothes up from your floor and so on.  Sometimes I'll have weeks where I'm plagued with suicidal thoughts that are so strong I honestly don't know what to do with myself.  I sit on my bed wanting to scream, to crawl out of my skin; I just sit and shake and sometimes cry.  Other times I feel better, in the sense that I don't feel suicidal all the time, maybe once during the week or once in two weeks.  Those weeks are nice,  I feel like my battle is a bit less tense and that I have a tiny bit of space.  A clutter of space, but some space nonetheless.  Those weeks are nice, but still hard, by the end of the day I always feel terribly lonely and sadder than I was when I woke up.  I feel overwhelmed, disgusted with myself and just never know what to do with myself.  It's a bit sad how days like that I consider my better days.

Today, after class I am finally going to do my laundry, because I ran out of underwear and socks to wear (actually I ran out 2 days ago - I have been going commando since then).   I'm going to wash my dishes (again), finally put on my sheet that goes over my mattress, and I'll try really hard to exercise a bit today and I'll try not to think of all the bills I have to pay.  Also, I've been finding stairs harder, and harder to climb - my heart always feels like a ball bouncing off a wall and I'm so out of breath after just 2 flights of stairs it's ridiculous,  and I've been getting this headache right above my eyebrows and now it's spread to my eyes (like behind my eyes - which I think is because I need glasses).

See, I complain a lot - I am such a selfish, horrid person when it comes to my thoughts.  Honestly, I have a roof over my head which some people don't have, I always complain, and I'm a hypocrite.  But I try, I really do try to be a good person.







Fuck everything.

Snow

Snow.  I strongly, strongly dislike winter and snow. I really, really, really dislike it :[ I am honestly such a summer person;  I need the sun, I need the beach, the soft summer air tousling through my hair, the warm grass under my bare feet, the plants all in bloom making everything green.  I need life.  In winter everything is dead. 

Also my bad binge yesterday (which ended up with me throwing up in the public bathrooms - but I gave no fucks about what other people may have thought cause for all they know I might have the flu or a gallbladder infection etc), translated into a bad binge today.  Basically I woke up and checked my e-mail from which I found out my first class of the day (which is actually an afternoon class) was cancelled.  Hooray, stayed in bed and watched Brother Bear 2 and Muhammed the Last Prophet (actually a very educational movie - I learned a bit about a different religion :] ), made spaghetti - ate it all, took a shower, drank the rest of my lemonade and made more spaghetti and ate a falafel sandwich before my evening lecture (in which I am currently in - only a review today, so I may leave halfway through).  So my plans for the evening are: watch the rest of The girl who leapt through time and then The place promised in our early days while eating 2 - 3 servings of spaghetti.....ughhh sometimes I disgust myself more than usual and today has been one of those days. 

Tomorrow however I have decided is a new day - new beginning for my Christmas weight loss :"] exactly 3 weeks before I go home for the holidays! ahh something odd I must mention: I thought my purging via throwing up would swell my face again (but I guess throwing up after 3 - 4 weeks of not throwing up won't really affect me face), but when I skyped my mom today she mentioned how I looked like I had lost weight - especially in my face (and I honestly don't see my face as getting thinner - in pictures and in the mirror I see it as big and fat) and how pale and white I have become - which is not a surprise since I dislike the cold weather and avoid going outside.  But she's not suspicious that I'm restricting or anything, she just thinks it's because of the stress of work and school and paying for everything that I just don't have time to properly take care of myself. 

So my plan for the next 3 weeks :

• Juice fast tomorrow, Friday and Saturday.
• Than onto 300 cal max per day 
• Another 3 day juice fast on Dec.16th, 17th and 18th 

Exercise (goodness gracious only knows how lazy I  actually am, but I will try):

• 28 x 3 crunches
• 53 x 2 wall push ups (gotta get that flab on my arms to go away)
• 13 x 2 reverse sit ups
• 23 x 2 squat leg lifts
• 23 x 2 reverse leg lifts
• 18 x 2 side leg raises 
• 28 x 3 butt lifts 

My goal is to do all of these (or at least half of these) exercises everyday.  Now time to get more motivated and less tired - really hard when your always fatigued.........

Also, my stomach pains are getting so much more frequent and worse, like I can't even describe :[ 

First time in over a month.

I threw up (on purpose) for the first time in over a month.  It's funny how some months I will throw up a few times a day and than I can go weeks without throwing up - well I still purge, just only through laxatives.   But I must say I forgot how good it feels to throw up, well it feels horrible to.  It's hard to explain; it's simply very addictive, but your throat feels raw, and the tears stream down your face, but it feels nice to have that automatic relief of emptiness from your stomach and I binged bad today, like to the point where I felt physically sick and so so so full - I haven't had a binge like that in a long time:  a whole can of pringles, a whole bag/package of chocolate cookies, a grande gingerbread latte, a venti passiontea lemonade unsweetened, a bag of deep fried tofu with peanut sauce, stirfried eggplant and peppers with rice [the whole serving which is like a giant take out box - like at least 2 plate servings], 3 fruit punch juice boxes and a falafel sandwich (keep in mind this was all within like 4 - 5 hours).   I'm pretty sure the same security guard at my uni saw me eat the stir fry eggplant meal, my venti passiontea lemonade, the chips and the falafel sandwich - I think he thinks I'm a fat, greedy, gluttonous person.  Oh and on top of that I was wearing like 50 layers of clothing, so I must have appeared more fat than I am :[ (I had my sports bra, undershirt, t-shirt, sweater, fall jacket and winter jacket on top of that - I was really cold so I didn't take any of them off when I was inside the art building eating). ugghhhhhh  bad, bad, bad day.  Took some laxatives and hoping I'll be able to do a juice/water fast tomorrow.

This is me internally, from pain and frustration and desperately wanting to get smaller ;[ 

I'm soo fat, I swear when I come home everyone will be like "what happened? are you going into hibernation because you sure packed on the weight!"  aha jk I doubt anyone would actually say that, but I need to stop binging.  Actually I need to stop eating, cause every time I eat I just feel, like physically feel myself get bigger. I feel the calories sticking to me, and unless I take laxatives they will forever stay in my system and turn to fat.  I know I have to eat, but I just feel like I don't need to eat and if I didn't eat I could stop purging. ahh I am such a contradiction, full of nonsense.But honestly I want to get a reaction from people when I come home for Christmas.  As terrible as it sounds, I want to hear "oh my gosh you lost weight" and "you really must be sick, cause look at you" (most people know I have been having "stomach problems" and getting the recent tests done kinda backs me up hehe :] ).  I'm such a horrid person, no really - after writing my thoughts down and re-reading them I realize how twisted some of my  thoughts are.

Also, my puffy winter coat (the one that actually keeps me warm) is from 3 - 4 years ago when I was really fat and I only ever wore it a few times.  Now when I want to wear it, no matter how many layers I put on underneath, it is clearly to big on me and the style of the coat does not look good if you wear it oversized - just looks like you borrowed it from someone cause you couldn't afford a coat in your size (it's a size L).   So now with the really cold weather I just layer, wearing a sweater over my shirt, my fall jacket and winter jacket on top - I should really buy a proper winter coat, as well as winter boots because my old ones are falling apart. (well right now I have no money, but I'll try and see if my mother will be able to get me new boots for Christmas)

This coat ^ is so cute :] however I doubt it would keep me warm enough -_-



* I wrote this last night, but the internet went off in my apartment for some reason so I had to wait til this morning when I got to my uni's library to post it.

winter, grocery list and paleness

(note: no pictures I post are of me unless I state so, just to clarify)

So when winter and cold weather in general come my way , I tend to avoid going outside at all possible costs.  This results in me getting really, really pale during the winter, and for some reason I quite like becoming all pale and white - for some reason I like that look on me.

Another thing to add: payday today :] but I had to pay bills and had to ask my younger brother back home to transfer over $100 into my account so I'd have enough for next friday to pay for my UGI and liver&gallbladder ultrasound (around $350 all together).  which leaves me $20 ish for groceries for the next 2 weeks, so I have to carefully make a list for groceries.... but I find buying  veggies to come out to be really cheap and since I'm vegan and love making soups I think I'll be fine :]