Back in full swing, in all the wrong ways.

I ate two slices of pizza during my lunch at work and went to the bathroom and threw them up (or at least one and a bit).  Stayed there for awhile and came back into the lunchroom saying I thought something was in my eye; I hid my right hand as the index fingers knuckle was bright red, and I got one of the supervisors looking in the direction of my hand (placed on my lap), but I'm not worried, because it really is no one's business.  I'm throwing up and taking so many more laxatives and I'm going to be working till Friday (I will be working 9 days in a row), and by working a lot I can help with my financial stress/help me pay for when I go on vacation with a friend in July; also it takes my mind off of things and I tend to not binge/not binge a lot when I work.  My eyes also look really weird; kinda dull and greyish white where it should just be white.

 Gained 5lbs while visiting my parents, and let us say I was less then impressed with myself; I've become extremely pudgy over these last few months.

And down the rabbit hole I go.

I have been feeling sicker and sicker.  By that I mean my stomach pains and these "colics" are more frequent; I think it's indigestion, because I always get these acute severe pains after eating a lot. I did end up buying these vegetable capsule things that help your digestion (called Digestaction; supposed to help eliminate bloating, gas, indigestion and help boost a slow metabolism), but I don't think it's been working particularly well.   The weird thing about these "colics" I seem to be getting is that the pain subsides a lot when I lay or recline on my back (it usually takes a minimum of 30 min of laying down on my back for me to be okay to sit up and stand up).

Another thing: fluorescent lights - the ones found in most stores - really make me look super washed out pale.  I caught my reflection in a mirror yesterday as I was working at my job and realized how bad my complexion actually looked (no wonder everyone always asks if I'm okay and always points out how pale I am, cause those lights make me look scary shitty).   And as I'm typing this I am forcing myself to drink at least a cup of water (slowly of course), as I feel so nauseous, unwell and I feel like my blood pressure is low.  Cracked open my window a bit too, and the cold frigid air is doing me some good.

Ughh... that's how I feel most of the time.  Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I dislike myself so much?

Too late for questions cause I went down the rabbit hole long  

ago and my curiosity keeps taking  me further into "wonderland"

If you can call it that

ugghh I may have over did it ....

so last night I felt like I was going to pass out while laying down (weird I know), but felt a bit better by morning.  I went to work (and got bombarded with the same question by everyone "are you okay?" ) and I must of still looked like shit cause every time one of the managers passed by the fitting room they'd ask me if I feel okay and one coworker asked me if I was okay cause I still looked pale and faint and told me "You need to eat" but I did eat yesterday and today - maybe my weight loss is noticeable?   And my manager even followed me into the warehouse after closing when I was putting the garbage away - he pretended he was looking at some stuff there, but he was headed to cash until he saw me go in the warehouse - I think they just don't want me passing out anywhere ....
Anyways I took 6 laxatives today, but I feel like I did last night and am getting the same feelings I used to get when I first started abusing laxatives (at the beginning it was terribly unbearable when I took laxatives), but I've been taking anywhere from 8 - 15 on a normal day so why should 6 make me feel so bad and on top of that I feel super weird.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Never mind I feel better: went to the bathroom, had a movement and feel a lot better.  My stomach feels like shit though, it keeps grumbling and hurting even though I'm eating cookies.
But I do feel like it may be my blood pressure that's causing me to feel this way last night and tonight ;[ just glad I don't work tomorrow.  I may try and go to Sunday service depending on how I feel when I get up, also my lower back and pelvic area pain has been getting super constant and intense.  I feel so weak, tired and just worn down that I can't even plan ahead for anything, I can only take it day by day.  I don't even feel like going out and drinking or going to the movies or doing anything fun.  I just want to stay home and snuggle in my covers and try to make my aching body feel a bit better between my multiple bowel movements a day.

I have this bad feeling my body may finally be really giving up on me, it may actually be screaming at me telling me to stop; the sad part is that I don't care.  If anything I'm a bit happy in a sick twisted way that the ending may be nearing.  My battle with this may soon be over, my body may stop aching forever - no more interrupted nights, no more pounding, irregular or flip flopping heart beats, simply no more pain.

Ha if only.

Marvelous: I passed out at work. Bravo....

I have never actually passed out before and today I did - at work.... I felt crummy, heart doing it’s rapid but weak pounding in my chest, felt a bit weak - the usual.  Well 3 and a bit hours into my shift I began feeling unbearably hot and everything got so blurry, I felt so helpless and horrible but the customer told me to sit down and take my scarf off (because she says she gets blurry vision/fainting a lot) so I sit for like 8 seconds, apologize get up (but I couldn’t really hear anything) and I got up and everything went blurry and I kept saying “you said debit right? sorry, wait a sec sorry?” cause I couldn’t see anything for the sake of me and next thing I know I was on the ground.   One of my managers thinks it has to do with my heart they made me sit down and called the ambulance but after an hour of waiting we cancelled the ambulance because by then I felt better and I just went home (they did ask me to call once I got back cause I live on my own and had no one to pick me up).  kinda freaky - also another supervisor said that the tone of my skin on my face was a bit yellow, almost like jaundice.  They also asked me if I took any drugs, they seemed really concerned and were like "______, it would just be between us, it wouldn't affect your position with the company, but do you take anything? like drugs?" which probably meant I looked shittier than I thought I did and apparently I was also shaking really bad, which I didn't think I was shaking too much.  I work tomorrow, and I really, really, really hope I'm not on cash and that I don't pass out.  It was embarrassing, and freaky Oh and I had some veggie sushi in the employees lunchroom before my shift so they don't suspect not eating or anything like that. When I got home I took 6 laxatives skyped my mom (no way I'd tell her I passed out - she'd freak out), plus she kept going on and on and on how my face has slimmed down and how I should make myself something proper to eat, take care of myself etc. Then I did grocery shopping and afterwards I had 2 bites of bread, 4 cookies, 3 gulps of fruit punch, threw it up and took one more laxative and finally a nice, hot, relaxing shower.   

But going back to me passing out - so weird since I did eat 3 hours prior and I ate a lot the last 2-3 days (I did purge everything through laxatives, but I ate 3 hours before passing out so like what?)

Just a weird day, and I don't like getting pity - makes you feel like something broken, kinda.  u_u I just really hope it doesn't happen again, but it probably will , just hopefully not at work again (can you imagine? 2 days in a row? ).  

All I want to do is get all snuggly and go to bed ♥ 

   

First time in over a month.

I threw up (on purpose) for the first time in over a month.  It's funny how some months I will throw up a few times a day and than I can go weeks without throwing up - well I still purge, just only through laxatives.   But I must say I forgot how good it feels to throw up, well it feels horrible to.  It's hard to explain; it's simply very addictive, but your throat feels raw, and the tears stream down your face, but it feels nice to have that automatic relief of emptiness from your stomach and I binged bad today, like to the point where I felt physically sick and so so so full - I haven't had a binge like that in a long time:  a whole can of pringles, a whole bag/package of chocolate cookies, a grande gingerbread latte, a venti passiontea lemonade unsweetened, a bag of deep fried tofu with peanut sauce, stirfried eggplant and peppers with rice [the whole serving which is like a giant take out box - like at least 2 plate servings], 3 fruit punch juice boxes and a falafel sandwich (keep in mind this was all within like 4 - 5 hours).   I'm pretty sure the same security guard at my uni saw me eat the stir fry eggplant meal, my venti passiontea lemonade, the chips and the falafel sandwich - I think he thinks I'm a fat, greedy, gluttonous person.  Oh and on top of that I was wearing like 50 layers of clothing, so I must have appeared more fat than I am :[ (I had my sports bra, undershirt, t-shirt, sweater, fall jacket and winter jacket on top of that - I was really cold so I didn't take any of them off when I was inside the art building eating). ugghhhhhh  bad, bad, bad day.  Took some laxatives and hoping I'll be able to do a juice/water fast tomorrow.

This is me internally, from pain and frustration and desperately wanting to get smaller ;[ 

I'm soo fat, I swear when I come home everyone will be like "what happened? are you going into hibernation because you sure packed on the weight!"  aha jk I doubt anyone would actually say that, but I need to stop binging.  Actually I need to stop eating, cause every time I eat I just feel, like physically feel myself get bigger. I feel the calories sticking to me, and unless I take laxatives they will forever stay in my system and turn to fat.  I know I have to eat, but I just feel like I don't need to eat and if I didn't eat I could stop purging. ahh I am such a contradiction, full of nonsense.But honestly I want to get a reaction from people when I come home for Christmas.  As terrible as it sounds, I want to hear "oh my gosh you lost weight" and "you really must be sick, cause look at you" (most people know I have been having "stomach problems" and getting the recent tests done kinda backs me up hehe :] ).  I'm such a horrid person, no really - after writing my thoughts down and re-reading them I realize how twisted some of my  thoughts are.

Also, my puffy winter coat (the one that actually keeps me warm) is from 3 - 4 years ago when I was really fat and I only ever wore it a few times.  Now when I want to wear it, no matter how many layers I put on underneath, it is clearly to big on me and the style of the coat does not look good if you wear it oversized - just looks like you borrowed it from someone cause you couldn't afford a coat in your size (it's a size L).   So now with the really cold weather I just layer, wearing a sweater over my shirt, my fall jacket and winter jacket on top - I should really buy a proper winter coat, as well as winter boots because my old ones are falling apart. (well right now I have no money, but I'll try and see if my mother will be able to get me new boots for Christmas)

This coat ^ is so cute :] however I doubt it would keep me warm enough -_-



* I wrote this last night, but the internet went off in my apartment for some reason so I had to wait til this morning when I got to my uni's library to post it.

Blood donation clinic today!

the blood clinic/blood drive came to my university today and I spontaneously decided to donate (since it has been 56 days since I last donated I could).   I was so dizzy after wards (which usually never happens) and I had to sit down in the shower for a bit when I was back at my apartment because I felt like I was going to pass out while showering.  Kinda scary actually, but now after a shower (and after I shaved in what has probably been 3 weeks ) I feel all squeaky clean both on the outside and inside ♥  sitting at the back of the lecture hall writing this because the professor is simply doing a review (yet again) and I know all this in more detail from my archaeology lectures anyways.  But the chairs are comfy, the lights are dimmed and it's a great place to study, write and/or just surf the net.

Super hungry and I am not planning on returning to my apartment until about 2 am since I need to get this essay started - I'll probably buy myself a soy latte or smoothie to give me some energy and fill me up a bit. Feeling really groggy too, probably from no food today, the purging and the blood donation  today -_-  
But! I am determined to lose those 2 lbs for Friday (I think I lost .5 lbs since yesterday morning :] ) so coffee, tea or water only for me - no food :] one time my mother told me people didn't actually need a lot of food to live, they only thought they need 3 meals a day, but really 2 small meals would do.  She also told me I was big boned (more than once) and I took great insult of it, told her she was big boned as well and cried. This is why I am oh so glad I live on my own in a city 9 hours away from my home town (not that I don't miss them, but not all things that you love have a healthy influence on you).

Maybe I should get myself another frappuccino ? maybe not, they have quite a few calories, but then again so do lattes.

I wonder if I'll look skinnier when I get home for Christmas? I wonder if I'll look sicker?  But it's true, all that I am keeping secret is drowning me, causing me to get worse both mentally and physically, but I will keep them secrets.  Keep these secrets to my grave.  

Elevation and conflicts.

So I almost backed out from going to the community church this morning, but I went and I am so glad I did.  Their services are very different from typical Christian church services and they just touch you so much.   They (the singers) kept saying how they know everyone is going through something in their lives and how we should just close our eyes and think about it and try to push it aside for a few moments and than when the pastor spoke he spoke of inner conflicts we all have within ourselves and how they come to the surface when we're alone and in solitude and that is why we try to escape through work, through internet, through games, through songs and books and parties so we can forget about them.   I almost cried so many times throughout the service - I think I'm going to take Sundays off next semester from my work so I have time for myself and to attend these uplifting services (although it's more like somewhere you go and sing uplifting songs, eat and realize the reality of life and how everyone is struggling and you just feel like you belong in away and that your not alone and you're not okay and that, that is perfectly fine).  

Secondly, my fast never happened :[ I ate half a cup of beans in maple syrup and had a grande java frap from starbucks -_- boooo I have got to stop with Starbucks (because I have no money - using the rest of my credit card to buy my Starbucks drinks = not good at all  AND the syrups they put in their drinks are loaded with calories and bad sugars).   +  only 3 laxatives  so far :] I'm trying to not take as many because my abdominal pains are getting more frequent and worse ahaa....
Also I should really do a fast, because I seem to have plateau'd with my weight and plateau'ing always makes me feel anxious and helpless and have a horribly fat and destined to never be thin train of thought.

On a good note: my pants are starting to get lose around the waist and especially around my butt area and thighs (visibly lose ♥) - which is weird, because like I said I seem to have plateau'd and only lost like 2 lbs in the last week and a half or so :[  it's Starbucks I'm telling you, trying to make me stay fat by plumping me up with syrup (but seriously I have got to stop buying from there).

*note: most images are copied image urls from tumblr