What a joke

Lol.  I want to cry.  If I'm being 100% honest,  the reason I restarted this blog is because I'm relapsing so badly.  I started b/p again (though not multiple times a day like before).  I miss my coping mechanisms; without them I just feel like everything is too much.  I also started sh. again  😢 honestly I'm 22 and I still haven't learned how to live.
It's sad,  but the only times I feel in control of my 'madness'  is when I'm purging or s.h and when I get small.
I miss being tiny; I wanna get back down to the size I was in Dec 2012.

Elevation and conflicts.

So I almost backed out from going to the community church this morning, but I went and I am so glad I did.  Their services are very different from typical Christian church services and they just touch you so much.   They (the singers) kept saying how they know everyone is going through something in their lives and how we should just close our eyes and think about it and try to push it aside for a few moments and than when the pastor spoke he spoke of inner conflicts we all have within ourselves and how they come to the surface when we're alone and in solitude and that is why we try to escape through work, through internet, through games, through songs and books and parties so we can forget about them.   I almost cried so many times throughout the service - I think I'm going to take Sundays off next semester from my work so I have time for myself and to attend these uplifting services (although it's more like somewhere you go and sing uplifting songs, eat and realize the reality of life and how everyone is struggling and you just feel like you belong in away and that your not alone and you're not okay and that, that is perfectly fine).  

Secondly, my fast never happened :[ I ate half a cup of beans in maple syrup and had a grande java frap from starbucks -_- boooo I have got to stop with Starbucks (because I have no money - using the rest of my credit card to buy my Starbucks drinks = not good at all  AND the syrups they put in their drinks are loaded with calories and bad sugars).   +  only 3 laxatives  so far :] I'm trying to not take as many because my abdominal pains are getting more frequent and worse ahaa....
Also I should really do a fast, because I seem to have plateau'd with my weight and plateau'ing always makes me feel anxious and helpless and have a horribly fat and destined to never be thin train of thought.

On a good note: my pants are starting to get lose around the waist and especially around my butt area and thighs (visibly lose ♥) - which is weird, because like I said I seem to have plateau'd and only lost like 2 lbs in the last week and a half or so :[  it's Starbucks I'm telling you, trying to make me stay fat by plumping me up with syrup (but seriously I have got to stop buying from there).

*note: most images are copied image urls from tumblr