self control? it's back in the game :]

instead of going out to the store and needlessly spending my money on sugar filled liquids aka juice I simply drank a cup of water ♥

I want to lose another 4 - 5 lbs in the next 6 days so I can look fab for the Christmas dinner my youth group back home is hosting :]

Also I wrote 3 full pages of a letter for my friend who is actually in the hospital for anorexia (she's been in there for over 2 months now).   When she first started dropping weight dramatically there was this sort of jealousy in me.  I did not want it there, but it was there; she was so small, so frail and I was still this big cow.  But now that feeling is gone and my love for her is back to the fullest.  She's one of my two best childhood friends and we all grew up as sisters basically.   Obviously I haven't seen her yet since I'm still up here in Montréal until Wednesday, but I wrote her a letter that I hope will sort of get through to her (she doesn't know I suffer from purging and she will not find out, nobody will).   She pretends she's doing better and has gained back 30 lbs (she needs to gain another 15 to be released - her body weight was so low her heart was giving out), but my other childhood best friend (let's call her G) tells me that M (the one in the hospital) told her she gets up early to exercise and manages to sneak her way on scales and find out how much she weighs (but the hospital is kind of weird in the sense that they will not allow her to get even the slightest exercise; i.e. she's not even allowed to walk, they told her she has to use a wheelchair to get around).
I miss her a terrible bunch, and I really, really, really hope my letter clicks a bit with her.  She's such a beautiful, beautiful girl and she's younger than me by a few years and this was supposed to be her last year of high school.  Please pray for her recovery, because I really want her to go back to being that happy, un- obsessed girl who would eat junk food and complain about how diets are too hard and how food is good.  I want her to be back to be the healthy (and she was not overweight at all) girl she once was.  I really need her to recover, because I know how an ed can consume you and twist you and your life and I don't want her to have to spend the rest of her life living like that.  I honestly love her like my own sister, and in the letter at one point I told her "I love you like a sister and a sister cannot lose her sister. Remember this."
This is why when I go see her in a week, I'm going to layer myself a lot and rosy my cheeks up, because I DON'T want her to notice I lost weight - I'd rather look like a gigantic whale and have her believe I put on weight than her see I lost weight.  (although I most definitely hope other people notice my weight loss, but I have to keep it away from her - I just don't want to trigger her).  Sometimes I am a giant hypocrite, but sometimes to protect the ones you love, you need to be.

Random and awkward change of topic (because I suck at transitions sometimes - which happens often when I write papers): my butt has gotten unbelievable flat and looks horrid in dresses.  Doing some squats and butt lifts here and there between studying and getting up to use the bathroom.

I feel like a child who needs constant naps.

I honestly feel the need to sleep 6 hours after waking up.  The last few days I have been waking up around noon or 1pm and going back to bed around 6 pm, waking up around 11pm or midnight and then falling asleep again at 5 am .

naps are so nice :"} 

Also woke up about an hour ago and felt extremely weak, drank the rest of my nestea to feel a bit better.  But I must say I'm proud of myself :] I have been  eating very, very little these past few days! Yesterday I only ate 6 pieces of veggie sushi (so about 2/3rds of the tray) and that was all, and the day before I ate a bite of bread :] ahh so happy! However my body is less so, and I have taken oh so many laxatives - most of the last 2 days I have been passing water, or at least it looks like water. But my stomach is still there, as big as always and I have been fluctuating only 2 pounds...
I wanna go to the gym, but I am so tired and weak all the time ;[  (actually I'm just a really lazy person).

If I could get smaller, perhaps I'd disappear, perhaps all my problems would disappear. At least that's what I'd like to believe some days. 

I have been awake for about an hour now (it's past midnight) but I'm still groggy and tired so I may have another pickle and go back to bed.

Wilting away. I die, and then breath and die once more.

I'm like a plant.  I wilt in winter. It's actually quite sad.  Actually I am probably more like a tropical plant, because even when spring time comes around I find it hard to bloom again.

Very few people know what this feels like; never fully living.   Everyday is a struggle against yourself, a struggle to keep living and to stop yourself from killing yourself.  It's tiring getting up everyday, telling yourself it's okay and you're going to make it.  Pushing yourself everyday to keep living, pushing yourself to do the small things like shower, do the laundry, wash the dishes, pick the clothes up from your floor and so on.  Sometimes I'll have weeks where I'm plagued with suicidal thoughts that are so strong I honestly don't know what to do with myself.  I sit on my bed wanting to scream, to crawl out of my skin; I just sit and shake and sometimes cry.  Other times I feel better, in the sense that I don't feel suicidal all the time, maybe once during the week or once in two weeks.  Those weeks are nice,  I feel like my battle is a bit less tense and that I have a tiny bit of space.  A clutter of space, but some space nonetheless.  Those weeks are nice, but still hard, by the end of the day I always feel terribly lonely and sadder than I was when I woke up.  I feel overwhelmed, disgusted with myself and just never know what to do with myself.  It's a bit sad how days like that I consider my better days.

Today, after class I am finally going to do my laundry, because I ran out of underwear and socks to wear (actually I ran out 2 days ago - I have been going commando since then).   I'm going to wash my dishes (again), finally put on my sheet that goes over my mattress, and I'll try really hard to exercise a bit today and I'll try not to think of all the bills I have to pay.  Also, I've been finding stairs harder, and harder to climb - my heart always feels like a ball bouncing off a wall and I'm so out of breath after just 2 flights of stairs it's ridiculous,  and I've been getting this headache right above my eyebrows and now it's spread to my eyes (like behind my eyes - which I think is because I need glasses).

See, I complain a lot - I am such a selfish, horrid person when it comes to my thoughts.  Honestly, I have a roof over my head which some people don't have, I always complain, and I'm a hypocrite.  But I try, I really do try to be a good person.







Fuck everything.

Snow

Snow.  I strongly, strongly dislike winter and snow. I really, really, really dislike it :[ I am honestly such a summer person;  I need the sun, I need the beach, the soft summer air tousling through my hair, the warm grass under my bare feet, the plants all in bloom making everything green.  I need life.  In winter everything is dead. 

Also my bad binge yesterday (which ended up with me throwing up in the public bathrooms - but I gave no fucks about what other people may have thought cause for all they know I might have the flu or a gallbladder infection etc), translated into a bad binge today.  Basically I woke up and checked my e-mail from which I found out my first class of the day (which is actually an afternoon class) was cancelled.  Hooray, stayed in bed and watched Brother Bear 2 and Muhammed the Last Prophet (actually a very educational movie - I learned a bit about a different religion :] ), made spaghetti - ate it all, took a shower, drank the rest of my lemonade and made more spaghetti and ate a falafel sandwich before my evening lecture (in which I am currently in - only a review today, so I may leave halfway through).  So my plans for the evening are: watch the rest of The girl who leapt through time and then The place promised in our early days while eating 2 - 3 servings of spaghetti.....ughhh sometimes I disgust myself more than usual and today has been one of those days. 

Tomorrow however I have decided is a new day - new beginning for my Christmas weight loss :"] exactly 3 weeks before I go home for the holidays! ahh something odd I must mention: I thought my purging via throwing up would swell my face again (but I guess throwing up after 3 - 4 weeks of not throwing up won't really affect me face), but when I skyped my mom today she mentioned how I looked like I had lost weight - especially in my face (and I honestly don't see my face as getting thinner - in pictures and in the mirror I see it as big and fat) and how pale and white I have become - which is not a surprise since I dislike the cold weather and avoid going outside.  But she's not suspicious that I'm restricting or anything, she just thinks it's because of the stress of work and school and paying for everything that I just don't have time to properly take care of myself. 

So my plan for the next 3 weeks :

• Juice fast tomorrow, Friday and Saturday.
• Than onto 300 cal max per day 
• Another 3 day juice fast on Dec.16th, 17th and 18th 

Exercise (goodness gracious only knows how lazy I  actually am, but I will try):

• 28 x 3 crunches
• 53 x 2 wall push ups (gotta get that flab on my arms to go away)
• 13 x 2 reverse sit ups
• 23 x 2 squat leg lifts
• 23 x 2 reverse leg lifts
• 18 x 2 side leg raises 
• 28 x 3 butt lifts 

My goal is to do all of these (or at least half of these) exercises everyday.  Now time to get more motivated and less tired - really hard when your always fatigued.........

Also, my stomach pains are getting so much more frequent and worse, like I can't even describe :[ 

First time in over a month.

I threw up (on purpose) for the first time in over a month.  It's funny how some months I will throw up a few times a day and than I can go weeks without throwing up - well I still purge, just only through laxatives.   But I must say I forgot how good it feels to throw up, well it feels horrible to.  It's hard to explain; it's simply very addictive, but your throat feels raw, and the tears stream down your face, but it feels nice to have that automatic relief of emptiness from your stomach and I binged bad today, like to the point where I felt physically sick and so so so full - I haven't had a binge like that in a long time:  a whole can of pringles, a whole bag/package of chocolate cookies, a grande gingerbread latte, a venti passiontea lemonade unsweetened, a bag of deep fried tofu with peanut sauce, stirfried eggplant and peppers with rice [the whole serving which is like a giant take out box - like at least 2 plate servings], 3 fruit punch juice boxes and a falafel sandwich (keep in mind this was all within like 4 - 5 hours).   I'm pretty sure the same security guard at my uni saw me eat the stir fry eggplant meal, my venti passiontea lemonade, the chips and the falafel sandwich - I think he thinks I'm a fat, greedy, gluttonous person.  Oh and on top of that I was wearing like 50 layers of clothing, so I must have appeared more fat than I am :[ (I had my sports bra, undershirt, t-shirt, sweater, fall jacket and winter jacket on top of that - I was really cold so I didn't take any of them off when I was inside the art building eating). ugghhhhhh  bad, bad, bad day.  Took some laxatives and hoping I'll be able to do a juice/water fast tomorrow.

This is me internally, from pain and frustration and desperately wanting to get smaller ;[ 

I'm soo fat, I swear when I come home everyone will be like "what happened? are you going into hibernation because you sure packed on the weight!"  aha jk I doubt anyone would actually say that, but I need to stop binging.  Actually I need to stop eating, cause every time I eat I just feel, like physically feel myself get bigger. I feel the calories sticking to me, and unless I take laxatives they will forever stay in my system and turn to fat.  I know I have to eat, but I just feel like I don't need to eat and if I didn't eat I could stop purging. ahh I am such a contradiction, full of nonsense.But honestly I want to get a reaction from people when I come home for Christmas.  As terrible as it sounds, I want to hear "oh my gosh you lost weight" and "you really must be sick, cause look at you" (most people know I have been having "stomach problems" and getting the recent tests done kinda backs me up hehe :] ).  I'm such a horrid person, no really - after writing my thoughts down and re-reading them I realize how twisted some of my  thoughts are.

Also, my puffy winter coat (the one that actually keeps me warm) is from 3 - 4 years ago when I was really fat and I only ever wore it a few times.  Now when I want to wear it, no matter how many layers I put on underneath, it is clearly to big on me and the style of the coat does not look good if you wear it oversized - just looks like you borrowed it from someone cause you couldn't afford a coat in your size (it's a size L).   So now with the really cold weather I just layer, wearing a sweater over my shirt, my fall jacket and winter jacket on top - I should really buy a proper winter coat, as well as winter boots because my old ones are falling apart. (well right now I have no money, but I'll try and see if my mother will be able to get me new boots for Christmas)

This coat ^ is so cute :] however I doubt it would keep me warm enough -_-



* I wrote this last night, but the internet went off in my apartment for some reason so I had to wait til this morning when I got to my uni's library to post it.

I honestly feel so fat, ugly, horrid and wrong.

like always I looked in the mirror before stepping into the shower and what did I see? love handles, a pot belly (from the laxative abuse - I think it's my intestines) scars, scars, scars all over the top of my thigh and hips, droopy boobs, pudgy face, damaged hair, giant calves and flabby arms.  Ate a pita with tomato sauce and mushrooms this morning and had a frap from starbucks and for lunch at work I had a passion tea lemonade (but without the syrup - which surprisingly without syrup has 0 calories :]  ) and for supper a cup of noodles sauteed with pickled eggplant, onions and general tao sauce.   ughhh :[ but I took 8 laxatives once I got back home.

I wish so much to be small, and although my clothes are getting looser I'm not really losing any weight and my body sure as hell hasn't changed.

On the note of laxatives: my stomach pains are getting worse and more all over my abdomen, especially down the center and lower sides, and of course the sharp right (and sometimes left) upper abdominal pains I get and worse of all - only really started about a week or so ago - is the pain in my pelvis area.  It honest to goodness graciousness feels like I am on my period, but I'm not and it's horrible.  I am glad though that when I went to get my UGI and ultrasound they actually took the ultrasound of my whole abdomen and kidneys (since I had to pay anyways for 3 or more organs), but the technician did look a little concerned when going in my pelvic area and right kidney :S also turns out the UGI I had done yesterday was different from the one I had done in April.   This one required a shot to relax my stomach muscles and they took xrays (?) standing up and laying down on the table and they had me roll twice so the barium (which I find absolutely atrocious) could coat my stomach properly.  They told me my doctor should have the results of both in 4 days, so I'll probably hear back by Wednesday.

(what a barium swallow/first part of a barium meal (UGI) looks like)

when I had to lie on my stomach I actually saw the monitor and my intestines/kidneys? I think - I saw this oval shape organ - looked like a small balloon

Also I have to write my paper for my Roman Archaeology class due Tuesday evening.  I'll properly start it tomorrow after I come back from work.   It's just so hard being a full-time university student and working 18 - 20 hours a week to support yourself (which barely covers my expenses - living paycheck to paycheck), but others have it worse and at least I can proudly say I actually do live on my own without my parents support and all the decisions I make are solely my decisions.  Also although I do have 5 courses next semester I'm going to probably try and work 20 -25 hours a week in order to live a bit better in terms of payments; I want to start paying off more to be less in debt.   But there's this new tea place opening and I was thinking, since it's not competition with where I currently work (retail) I may try and apply as a tea barista :] I want to try something new and this way I could work 2 -3 shifts at my retail job and 2 shifts at the tea shop! (I like changing things up a bit, and I want new skills) They're both in the same mall and the mall is only an 8 minute walk away from my uni.  Plus I need the extra money, because I'm moving to a new apartment with my coworker in February ♥  excited :"] she said her boyfriend might also move in with us (we'd still get a 2 bedroom but I'd pay a bit less than half  since there would be 3 of us) which I wouldn't mind and we're planning on moving to a location closer downtown (since that's where our uni is).

Also ----------- I need to call the airline and tell them I'm taking a pet with me so I can pay the extra $50 for my bunny ♥ and I need to buy a pet carrier as well :"{ so much money.  Really hoping my mother's friend will be able to give me ride from the airport to my town, cause the train is another expense I really cannot afford.

But this is the one I want to get - and will probably get because it's the right size and has an opening on top :]
That and it looks like a big purse so I won't have a problem with the public transport (ie bus) when I go to the airport (cause I am not getting a taxi, my last resort would be asking my landlord to drive me, but he's not the most reliable and I'd hate to have to ask).

But I'm also not sure if it would arrive in time for when I leave, so I may just have to go to the pet store and buy an overpriced one. 

Blood donation clinic today!

the blood clinic/blood drive came to my university today and I spontaneously decided to donate (since it has been 56 days since I last donated I could).   I was so dizzy after wards (which usually never happens) and I had to sit down in the shower for a bit when I was back at my apartment because I felt like I was going to pass out while showering.  Kinda scary actually, but now after a shower (and after I shaved in what has probably been 3 weeks ) I feel all squeaky clean both on the outside and inside ♥  sitting at the back of the lecture hall writing this because the professor is simply doing a review (yet again) and I know all this in more detail from my archaeology lectures anyways.  But the chairs are comfy, the lights are dimmed and it's a great place to study, write and/or just surf the net.

Super hungry and I am not planning on returning to my apartment until about 2 am since I need to get this essay started - I'll probably buy myself a soy latte or smoothie to give me some energy and fill me up a bit. Feeling really groggy too, probably from no food today, the purging and the blood donation  today -_-  
But! I am determined to lose those 2 lbs for Friday (I think I lost .5 lbs since yesterday morning :] ) so coffee, tea or water only for me - no food :] one time my mother told me people didn't actually need a lot of food to live, they only thought they need 3 meals a day, but really 2 small meals would do.  She also told me I was big boned (more than once) and I took great insult of it, told her she was big boned as well and cried. This is why I am oh so glad I live on my own in a city 9 hours away from my home town (not that I don't miss them, but not all things that you love have a healthy influence on you).

Maybe I should get myself another frappuccino ? maybe not, they have quite a few calories, but then again so do lattes.

I wonder if I'll look skinnier when I get home for Christmas? I wonder if I'll look sicker?  But it's true, all that I am keeping secret is drowning me, causing me to get worse both mentally and physically, but I will keep them secrets.  Keep these secrets to my grave.  

sometimes, all the time, it's too frequent...

this unbearable feeling is too much sometimes.  It's too often with me, all the time, everyday.   I carry it around with me and I don't think it will ever leave.  

I honestly think I should tell someone and get some help, and I was thinking of going to see a counselor at the uni since it's free for students, but than I found out you only get 10 sessions in the whole 3 or 4 years that you attend the university.   I guess I was just meant to deal with this on my own, just like I deal with everything else in my life.  

Bought a bag of airheads and ate them all during my mythology lecture - 470 calories in my body.   Took 4 laxatives so far today, taking another 3 after class so hopefully that's 470 calories out of my body and I know what you're going to say "but laxatives don't cause weight loss because most calories are already absorbed blah, blah, blah" well yeah I know that, but I also highly doubt that as well.  I mean I've gotten to the point where most of the time the stuff that comes out the other end looks more like vomit than poo.  No honestly it's true, I can tell EXACTLY what I ate (plus I never chew properly, so there's like chunks of carrot, and pieces of noodles and spinach and anyone would be able to tell what I ate) and you could honestly mistake it for vomit.   Secondly if it is more like poo it is either yellow or bright green meaning that the bile from my liver barely got digested or didn't get digested at all - including in the small intestine.   Now I don't know exactly how everything functions, and I know that laxatives work on the large intestine, but I'm sure after prolonged abuse other parts of your digestive system get affected.   So yes, most of the weight is probably water weight, but I'm sure I'm also purging a majority of the calories I consume as well (and much needed minerals and vitamins :[ I need to get a multi vitamin to take daily).  

Also had a mini binge yesterday.  Was really upsetting, but I didn't gain anything :]

Plan is to lose 2 lbs by Friday (so I can be a bit smaller than I currently am when I go get my liver ultrasound and UGI done).  Going to do a liquid fast tomorrow and Thursday and a total fast (no liquid, no food) from 8 pm on Thursday - but that's only because I need to do the total fast for my medical tests.  

Ohh! and my work is having a Christmas dinner on the 8th of December :] I am so excited! I haven't gone out/been social in forever and this is a great excuse to go.  Plus because I'm vegan, there will be probably a lot less that I can eat so I won't really have to worry about food.   The 8th is 18 days away (so 2 weeks and 4 days) so I plan on being 10 - 12 lbs lighter ♥
And my absolute goal is to be 20 - 24 lbs lighter by the 19th of December (although I think if I manage to be at least 15 - 17 lbs lighter I'll be happy as well for the time being).

*one thing to note on the plus side: my boobs are a bit smaller, I can know wear sports bras all the time (or just undershirts) teehee :] I know a lot of girls like big boobs, and I have nothing against big/normal boobs - I think they're gorgeous - but me personally I prefer being small chested (just a personal preference, just like some girls like long hair, or big butts or flat butts - it's all a matter of what you like on yourself).     so yay ♥  also means I can find more children's shirts that fit (I have a few "L" aka 11/12 or 12/14 year old sized shirts - they're cheaper and in my home province there's less taxes on childrens clothes :"}  ) 

Plus I like look almost flat chested, especially in girly dresses - makes me feel girly and petite.

beans, and laxatives, laxatives, laxatives and more laxatives!

“You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

because I am such a lovely person the "I'll try to take less laxatives" yesterday turned into a "take the last 3 laxatives, buy more and take 5 more all before 2pm".  Oh my digestive system is probably ready to kill me (and I'm not sure if that's in the literal sense either...).  Ughhhh  :[ also I'm pretty sure because I'm vegan + my purging that I may have developed some deficencies.  I think the biggest hint is that my vision is getting worse (like black and white videos are hard for me to tell what is what cause it all blurs together and I can't see words from afar), my bones/joints hurt (in my hands and feet and knees) and my muscles, especially in my legs, cramp and hurt all the time plus my back pain, but I've always had bad back pain.  I swear I may look young on the outside, but on the inside I feel like an old lady -_- I wonder how I will feel when/if I actually do grow old or in the next 10 years or the next 5 or however long I'll live.

I also feel like this is by far the worst year for me in terms of purging and the unbearable sad feeling (depression). I just feel like I am losing myself, faster than ever before; losing my sanity and feeling empty and nothing yet overflowing and I just don't know what to do with myself.  I honestly don't know how I can keep living with this, it's so unbearable, but I just keep telling myself "3 more years, just 3 more years of university and than you can move somewhere warm and to Europe and you'll feel better you'll see."  But I don't know if I can hold on for 3 more years.  I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and I've felt like I've hit rock bottom a few times in my life, but I was wrong because I feel like I'm a lot deeper than ever before and I still haven't hit the bottom.  I'm scared that I won't be able to pull myself out and if I hit the bottom this time, it will be disastrous. I'm scared because sometimes, at night, all alone, I'll think of death and dying and after lots of thinking I now know a way that  would be 100% successful.  I'm scared because I'm going insane, but I think if I started painting and drawing again I'd feel a bit better (I drew a bit a few days ago and it helped me vent a bit and calm down a bit).   I guess artistic people (including musicians) are seen as a bit on the crazy side sometimes because when you're crazy art seems to be one of the only ways to help get things out a bit and control them to a certain extent.

When I was 16, I believe, I took a sociology class and also learned about mental illness.  The teacher said that people between like 17 - 22 have the biggest chance of developing schizophrenia and how people with mental illness have a higher chance as well and then she went on to tell us stories about successful young university students having serious mental breakdowns/getting schizophrenia. It scared me so much :[  still scares me.

I guess the only thing that really gets me through is thinking about my little sister (she's 7 years younger than me).  I think about her and how she would feel if I left and how terrible it would be not to have your sister anymore, because a sister is very much needed and I put myself in her shoes and think if I ever lost her I don't think I could go on.  I know my brothers and parents would also be devastated, but honestly it's really me thinking about my sister that helps me get through most nights.


Also, yesterday I wrote how I plateau'd right? well actually I have one of those old fashion scales (no money for a digital one ahahaha) and didn't realize it wasn't at 0 but at 2 so I actually lost 4 lbs in the last week and a half and not 2 lbs. But I ate veggie sushi today so I think I gained back at least 1 lb :[   but I took like 8 laxatives already so maybe the veggie sushi won't cause me to gain weight. I swear if I step on the scale tomorrow morning and I'm not less than today I will cry (in the literal sense).

Elevation and conflicts.

So I almost backed out from going to the community church this morning, but I went and I am so glad I did.  Their services are very different from typical Christian church services and they just touch you so much.   They (the singers) kept saying how they know everyone is going through something in their lives and how we should just close our eyes and think about it and try to push it aside for a few moments and than when the pastor spoke he spoke of inner conflicts we all have within ourselves and how they come to the surface when we're alone and in solitude and that is why we try to escape through work, through internet, through games, through songs and books and parties so we can forget about them.   I almost cried so many times throughout the service - I think I'm going to take Sundays off next semester from my work so I have time for myself and to attend these uplifting services (although it's more like somewhere you go and sing uplifting songs, eat and realize the reality of life and how everyone is struggling and you just feel like you belong in away and that your not alone and you're not okay and that, that is perfectly fine).  

Secondly, my fast never happened :[ I ate half a cup of beans in maple syrup and had a grande java frap from starbucks -_- boooo I have got to stop with Starbucks (because I have no money - using the rest of my credit card to buy my Starbucks drinks = not good at all  AND the syrups they put in their drinks are loaded with calories and bad sugars).   +  only 3 laxatives  so far :] I'm trying to not take as many because my abdominal pains are getting more frequent and worse ahaa....
Also I should really do a fast, because I seem to have plateau'd with my weight and plateau'ing always makes me feel anxious and helpless and have a horribly fat and destined to never be thin train of thought.

On a good note: my pants are starting to get lose around the waist and especially around my butt area and thighs (visibly lose ♥) - which is weird, because like I said I seem to have plateau'd and only lost like 2 lbs in the last week and a half or so :[  it's Starbucks I'm telling you, trying to make me stay fat by plumping me up with syrup (but seriously I have got to stop buying from there).

*note: most images are copied image urls from tumblr

Pitas, frappucinos and bloating.

As you can guess from the title I bought myself a veggie pita and a venti java chip frap with soy (and no whip) and I feel extremely full and bloated and disgusting.   I took 3 laxatives right after, and am going to take another 3 - 4 in about 2 hours.
Oh! but I did do some squats this morning when I woke up and it felt so good :] I may leave the library early to go home and do a proper workout and then go to the gym since I feel really motivated today (yay).
Decided I'd fast the rest of the day and continue until Monday (I think I only work Saturday, so I can just lay in bed all day Sunday and be the lazy blob I am).  I wish fasting and me losing weight would reflect in my face ;[ my face is honestly so chubby it saddens me and is one of the biggest reasons I haven't thrown up in over a month now because I don't want my face to be so swollen. Posted some pics of my face below and as you can tell the chubbiness adds to my baby face making me look like a 13/14 year old instead of looking like a university student.