Holiday [vegan] baking ♥ and doctors appointment ...

Made some vegan english toffee squares and gooey butterscotch cookies ♥ yumm ;]
Then I'm going to visit my friend in the hospital today again (the one with anorexia), I saw her on thursday as well and I realised I missed her so much more than I thought (I almost cried; we both teared up).  The hospital sucks though - the mental health section of it anyways.  They honest to goodness graciousness have no plan, no freaking recovery plan at all! Like she sees a psychiatrists maybe once a week or every two weeks and she's been to art therapy once in the whole 2.5 months she's been there and that's it.  She just sits in her bed or wheelchair (cause they don't let her walk) and knits or reads or watches approved movies.  They're only goal is to get her to 75% of her body weight and that's all and I am so mad because they're not doing they're job.  I'm not a psychiatrist or therapist but I would do a damn better job and actually try and help in the mental part of the recovery - like I am sooo mad it can't be put in words.  She's my sister (not blood related but we've been childhood friends since her birth) and I feel protective over her and I just want to scream at everyone in that part of the hospital.   She'll be out soon though, probably in the next 2 weeks, she's just waiting for her pediatrician to get back from holidays (cause she's only 17) and she's almost at 75% (74. something right now) so crossing my fingers :] ♥   Also please pray for her recovery and if you're an atheist please send good thoughts and luck her way.

As for my doctors appointment today - I have to get more blood tests done and give in a poop sample - oh joy!  I'm just nervous they may find out about the laxatives, but I went on yahoo answers and a "physician" told me they'd have to order special tests for it and it's only done if a person gets hospitalised a lot for dehydration or if they faint a lot... so we'll see.

self control? it's back in the game :]

instead of going out to the store and needlessly spending my money on sugar filled liquids aka juice I simply drank a cup of water ♥

I want to lose another 4 - 5 lbs in the next 6 days so I can look fab for the Christmas dinner my youth group back home is hosting :]

Also I wrote 3 full pages of a letter for my friend who is actually in the hospital for anorexia (she's been in there for over 2 months now).   When she first started dropping weight dramatically there was this sort of jealousy in me.  I did not want it there, but it was there; she was so small, so frail and I was still this big cow.  But now that feeling is gone and my love for her is back to the fullest.  She's one of my two best childhood friends and we all grew up as sisters basically.   Obviously I haven't seen her yet since I'm still up here in Montréal until Wednesday, but I wrote her a letter that I hope will sort of get through to her (she doesn't know I suffer from purging and she will not find out, nobody will).   She pretends she's doing better and has gained back 30 lbs (she needs to gain another 15 to be released - her body weight was so low her heart was giving out), but my other childhood best friend (let's call her G) tells me that M (the one in the hospital) told her she gets up early to exercise and manages to sneak her way on scales and find out how much she weighs (but the hospital is kind of weird in the sense that they will not allow her to get even the slightest exercise; i.e. she's not even allowed to walk, they told her she has to use a wheelchair to get around).
I miss her a terrible bunch, and I really, really, really hope my letter clicks a bit with her.  She's such a beautiful, beautiful girl and she's younger than me by a few years and this was supposed to be her last year of high school.  Please pray for her recovery, because I really want her to go back to being that happy, un- obsessed girl who would eat junk food and complain about how diets are too hard and how food is good.  I want her to be back to be the healthy (and she was not overweight at all) girl she once was.  I really need her to recover, because I know how an ed can consume you and twist you and your life and I don't want her to have to spend the rest of her life living like that.  I honestly love her like my own sister, and in the letter at one point I told her "I love you like a sister and a sister cannot lose her sister. Remember this."
This is why when I go see her in a week, I'm going to layer myself a lot and rosy my cheeks up, because I DON'T want her to notice I lost weight - I'd rather look like a gigantic whale and have her believe I put on weight than her see I lost weight.  (although I most definitely hope other people notice my weight loss, but I have to keep it away from her - I just don't want to trigger her).  Sometimes I am a giant hypocrite, but sometimes to protect the ones you love, you need to be.

Random and awkward change of topic (because I suck at transitions sometimes - which happens often when I write papers): my butt has gotten unbelievable flat and looks horrid in dresses.  Doing some squats and butt lifts here and there between studying and getting up to use the bathroom.