uhhh cleaned up my room and discovered I'm a bit of a disgusting creature.

so that pot full of tofu and rice that I think I left for a week or so? I opened it, slammed it shut and threw it (along with the pot) into the garbage.  I wanted to barf; there was mold, mold everywhere.
oh but my room is a lot cleaner, you can see my floor and I finally found my ipod :] couldn't hold back taking some selfies as it has much better quality than my web cam.

So this is me ^ I find whenever I take some self photos they always make me appear like I'm 12 or 13  - but I swear I'm a second year uni student! ohh and this is the shirt I'm wearing on the plane and bus ride home today :] it was on sale in september at forever 21: $4.99 such a good price and it's comfy and hides my fat.

I probably won't update until this evening, if I have time.  Also eaten only 1 yam since Sunday and had coffee and laxatives - making myself empty so I have room (and less guilt) to eat my fave potatoes ♥

Test results are in and ....

I have GERD and IBS (and let's not forget my gastritis that was diagnosed in April), oh and abnormally low sodium and slightly anemic - but honestly, nothing to serious so I'm happy :] plus since I have official diagnoses (no one needs to know they are caused by my purging, shhh) no one will really suspect an eating disorder - well no one other than a doctor anyways.

so petite, so lovely - pictures like this make me feel disgusting with myself and my body ;[ 

Doing laundry today, because I haven't done laundry in goodness graciousness knows how long and I had no more socks or undies left......
Then going to go to the library in the afternoon to start and finish my take home finals ;[   really hoping I do well on them. Then it's studying for my art history exam on Saturday - which lord have mercy, because if anyone has ever taken an art history course before you'll know how brutal the exams are - you have to memorize ALL the artworks shown and discussed in class (def over 250 of them - including buildings) the time periods they're from, the artist, the styles, the importance and the place they come from.  I have such bad short term memory so it's non stop studying from tonight to Saturday morning.

Less than a week left before I fly home and my metabolism shut down.

No honestly I think it did :[ even though last week I barely ate and purged almost everything I haven't lost a damn thing.  I think I'm retaining water, so I'm going to try and drink at least 500 ml a day and doing a fast tomorrow until Saturday morning and going to the gym on Wednesday :]  
I worked 9 hours today and I guess that in itself was a good workout (my feet kill, cause I wore boots with a bit of a heel...) and tomorrow I work and after I have to go see my doctor for my ultrasound test results - we'll see what she has to say.   And actually I was half asleep when the office called me on Thursday so I'm not sure if I am supposed to come in at 4:20, 4:30 or 4:45 -_- I'll call tomorrow at lunch to confirm cause I don't want to sit in the waiting room for an hour, also kinda nervous - I mean what if they could somehow tell from the ultrasound that I throw up and abuse laxatives? I mean there's no way for them to figure it out just from that right?  honestly kinda anxious :[   and I'm gonna mention me passing out at work - cause the people at work won't leave me alone about it.......  super annoying, but kinda nice in a way, knowing that people kinda care about you to some extent ♥

Ashley is such a babe ♥ I have always loved the Olsen twins and I really admire the both of them in how they dealt and overcame Ashley's eating disorder.  Both of them are such strong, lovely women - my role models :] Maybe one day I'll be able to get over mine as well.

Writing my essay.

It is due in 27 hours, and I have written 2 full pages so far (it needs to be a minimum of 10 full pages, excluding title page and references.   I am not allowing myself to rush, because I know that always leads to a sloppy paper that makes no sense, so I'm going slowly :] and my first 2 pages seem pretty decent, however it sounds more like a philosophical paper than an archaeological research paper.   It was a free topic and the professor approved my topic, but the two major sources I draw on are de Beauvoir and Sartre - both are existentialist philosophers and have nothing to do with the Roman Empire or history.  But everything flows well together, and although it's more philosophy than I would have hoped for I like how my paper is developing.  Hopefully I get a good mark :"{ also my head is just pounding, even though I managed to sleep from 8pm - 8:56 am (but I woke up like 5 times during the night - I don't believe I have ever had an uninterrupted sleep in the last few months). 

 

I'm also having really bad urges (SI urges) ughhhh and this headache is getting worse as I'm typing - on top of that my vision seems to be really weird/off today.  I planned on spending the whole night in the library, but I may just do at least 6 pages and then go  home and take a nap until 3am and finish my paper after.

I honestly feel so fat, ugly, horrid and wrong.

like always I looked in the mirror before stepping into the shower and what did I see? love handles, a pot belly (from the laxative abuse - I think it's my intestines) scars, scars, scars all over the top of my thigh and hips, droopy boobs, pudgy face, damaged hair, giant calves and flabby arms.  Ate a pita with tomato sauce and mushrooms this morning and had a frap from starbucks and for lunch at work I had a passion tea lemonade (but without the syrup - which surprisingly without syrup has 0 calories :]  ) and for supper a cup of noodles sauteed with pickled eggplant, onions and general tao sauce.   ughhh :[ but I took 8 laxatives once I got back home.

I wish so much to be small, and although my clothes are getting looser I'm not really losing any weight and my body sure as hell hasn't changed.

On the note of laxatives: my stomach pains are getting worse and more all over my abdomen, especially down the center and lower sides, and of course the sharp right (and sometimes left) upper abdominal pains I get and worse of all - only really started about a week or so ago - is the pain in my pelvis area.  It honest to goodness graciousness feels like I am on my period, but I'm not and it's horrible.  I am glad though that when I went to get my UGI and ultrasound they actually took the ultrasound of my whole abdomen and kidneys (since I had to pay anyways for 3 or more organs), but the technician did look a little concerned when going in my pelvic area and right kidney :S also turns out the UGI I had done yesterday was different from the one I had done in April.   This one required a shot to relax my stomach muscles and they took xrays (?) standing up and laying down on the table and they had me roll twice so the barium (which I find absolutely atrocious) could coat my stomach properly.  They told me my doctor should have the results of both in 4 days, so I'll probably hear back by Wednesday.

(what a barium swallow/first part of a barium meal (UGI) looks like)

when I had to lie on my stomach I actually saw the monitor and my intestines/kidneys? I think - I saw this oval shape organ - looked like a small balloon

Also I have to write my paper for my Roman Archaeology class due Tuesday evening.  I'll properly start it tomorrow after I come back from work.   It's just so hard being a full-time university student and working 18 - 20 hours a week to support yourself (which barely covers my expenses - living paycheck to paycheck), but others have it worse and at least I can proudly say I actually do live on my own without my parents support and all the decisions I make are solely my decisions.  Also although I do have 5 courses next semester I'm going to probably try and work 20 -25 hours a week in order to live a bit better in terms of payments; I want to start paying off more to be less in debt.   But there's this new tea place opening and I was thinking, since it's not competition with where I currently work (retail) I may try and apply as a tea barista :] I want to try something new and this way I could work 2 -3 shifts at my retail job and 2 shifts at the tea shop! (I like changing things up a bit, and I want new skills) They're both in the same mall and the mall is only an 8 minute walk away from my uni.  Plus I need the extra money, because I'm moving to a new apartment with my coworker in February ♥  excited :"] she said her boyfriend might also move in with us (we'd still get a 2 bedroom but I'd pay a bit less than half  since there would be 3 of us) which I wouldn't mind and we're planning on moving to a location closer downtown (since that's where our uni is).

Also ----------- I need to call the airline and tell them I'm taking a pet with me so I can pay the extra $50 for my bunny ♥ and I need to buy a pet carrier as well :"{ so much money.  Really hoping my mother's friend will be able to give me ride from the airport to my town, cause the train is another expense I really cannot afford.

But this is the one I want to get - and will probably get because it's the right size and has an opening on top :]
That and it looks like a big purse so I won't have a problem with the public transport (ie bus) when I go to the airport (cause I am not getting a taxi, my last resort would be asking my landlord to drive me, but he's not the most reliable and I'd hate to have to ask).

But I'm also not sure if it would arrive in time for when I leave, so I may just have to go to the pet store and buy an overpriced one. 

Library = essay needs to get done. and I'm anti social :{

So for the first time in like 3 months I don’t work on a Sunday and it’s a girl from my group of friends birthday (I guess my friend as well?) and they’re all going out, but I’ve decided to stay in and go to the library and work on a paper because

a) I honestly don’t feel like being social (I have hung out with them on Halloween for the first time in like over a month - I tend to shut people out of my life which is one of my many crummy qualities, but I'm scared of getting close to people).

b) I feel like shit because of the constant use of laxatives and the recent loss of appetite (my body is probably disliking me more than usual, and my chest feels weird like it does when I go through really bad purging cycles).  

c) I tend to get horrid upper back/shoulder pain when I drink and I just cannot stand the idea of having to get that pain (even though it only lasts about 20 - 30 minutes, it is absolutely unbearable like I cannot describe the feeling.) 

d)  I have no money to spend on drinking (although I have a bunch of coolers I could take with me to pre - drink at my friends and then go home before they hit the clubs/an hour or so after going - but I don't want to wait for the night bus and I just don't feel like only going to get tipsy while  everyone is going to get smammered and whatnot).  

...... I feel like such an anti social person -_- which I am in a way, although most people wouldn't know  it.  At the beginning of the school year, at the beginning of second semester and beginning of summer vacation I tend to party every weekend for a couple of weeks and then get down to studying/working.  I think I'll just go pull an all nighter at the library or maybe just until 1 am cause I want to go to a service of some sort tomorrow since I haven't been anywhere spiritual in awhile and need some lifting (although I should research if there is a buddhist/jainism worship place as I want to learn more about it and it feels like it's more on my level of morals and spirituality).

Also my middle back/kidneys kill today.   Feels like they have been beat up and run over by a truck - which is weird, because I usually only ever have this kind of pain after a night of lots of drinking.   

I'm back :]

It has been awhile since I posted anything on blogger (my old ones have been inactive for over 3 years, so I deleted them).  I tend to post a lot on tumblr, but I find one cannot express themselves as extensively on tumblr as one can on a blog such as blogger and wordpress.
re-introduction are needed and I am very much a different person than I was 3 years ago.  Back then I was still a teen living with her parents, caught up in the drama of highschool and stresses of life; now I am in my second year of university, living 9 hours away from my hometown and paying for all my expenses (rent, textbooks, food, bills etc).  When I first made a blog on here it was to talk about my obsession with weight loss and my new problem with purging and binging and fasting and self harm.  Unfortunately these problems have grown worse for me over the 3 years and continue to be a vicious cycle that I cannot break out of and as a result I have developed a few health problems because of it.
I'll be using this blog as a means to express, in length, feelings, events and general thoughts in my life and what I am going through.