Lonely

and I have no one else to blame but myself.  I have alienated and distanced myself from a lot of people I met when I first moved here 5 - 6 months ago and am more lonely than ever :[  
However this post won't be so depressing like usual cause I have fun things to share:

• I got more than expected for my pay on Friday so went out to Forever 21 and bought myself a knit sweater (it was on sale for $13, normally $29, and was also 50% off so I payed like 6.50 for it!);  a red Marvel, sleeveless shirt (bought it in a medium so it goes just past my butt for $15.80);  these cute retro earrings for $4.80;  super, super, super cute striped headband with bow on it and 2 bottles of nail polish (sparkly mint colour and see-through blue sparkles).  ♥  decided to spoil myself a bit since I haven't been out in months,  had a tough last semester, worked a lot and because I did well in my classes :"] 

The earrings I bought ♥

• I started working out again; forgot how good the burn feels.  
• I got tipsy drunk off 3 coolers last night while dancing around my room to songs off youtube (namely ABBA), cause I'm a loner and have no one to go out with on a Friday night.  Ok honestly I had fun last night, despite being by myself and it kinda being pathetic getting drunk alone: it was fun.  And I got exercise as well ;] Only bad thing is I get very sad and self destructive at a certain point (I think it's the part when I'm drunk, but am slowly sobering up?).

• Despite my bad binges I have managed not to gain weight (perhaps it's because I still abuse laxatives...)
• My bunny and I have become closer :"} I think? it's hard to tell with rabbits -_-' 

Oh and facemask time today :] 

Library = essay needs to get done. and I'm anti social :{

So for the first time in like 3 months I don’t work on a Sunday and it’s a girl from my group of friends birthday (I guess my friend as well?) and they’re all going out, but I’ve decided to stay in and go to the library and work on a paper because

a) I honestly don’t feel like being social (I have hung out with them on Halloween for the first time in like over a month - I tend to shut people out of my life which is one of my many crummy qualities, but I'm scared of getting close to people).

b) I feel like shit because of the constant use of laxatives and the recent loss of appetite (my body is probably disliking me more than usual, and my chest feels weird like it does when I go through really bad purging cycles).  

c) I tend to get horrid upper back/shoulder pain when I drink and I just cannot stand the idea of having to get that pain (even though it only lasts about 20 - 30 minutes, it is absolutely unbearable like I cannot describe the feeling.) 

d)  I have no money to spend on drinking (although I have a bunch of coolers I could take with me to pre - drink at my friends and then go home before they hit the clubs/an hour or so after going - but I don't want to wait for the night bus and I just don't feel like only going to get tipsy while  everyone is going to get smammered and whatnot).  

...... I feel like such an anti social person -_- which I am in a way, although most people wouldn't know  it.  At the beginning of the school year, at the beginning of second semester and beginning of summer vacation I tend to party every weekend for a couple of weeks and then get down to studying/working.  I think I'll just go pull an all nighter at the library or maybe just until 1 am cause I want to go to a service of some sort tomorrow since I haven't been anywhere spiritual in awhile and need some lifting (although I should research if there is a buddhist/jainism worship place as I want to learn more about it and it feels like it's more on my level of morals and spirituality).

Also my middle back/kidneys kill today.   Feels like they have been beat up and run over by a truck - which is weird, because I usually only ever have this kind of pain after a night of lots of drinking.   

Lazy, tired and feeling very alone :[

I'm still in the library and totally do not want to get off my butt and leave.  Maybe it's because I know in the library there are other people while at my place I'm basically all alone :[ ahh well I should go back soon anyways and get some groceries on the way home, which by the way I have finally made a grocery list for (takes me forever to pick foods I want to buy and than I always overthink about the choices and whether or not I'm actually gonna eat them, if they're worth the money etc).

Here it is:

• Kale
• 1 onion 
• Carrots 
• A block of frozen spinach (if they have it at the grocery store I'm going to)
• Orange juice
• More packets of crystal light
• Maybe some tofu...depending on how much everything will cost 

I have rice and some pasta at home to add for soup or to have with the sautéed veggies (I still have some eggplant at home as well).  I think it should last me for 2 weeks....hopefully?  oh the joys of living on your own. well at least me paying for everything by myself means my parents don't really have a say in my life. 

Also watched the first episode of sailor moon and it's so cute and funny and exaggerated ♥.  And I must add that sailor moon and her friend are both ubber slender, yet petite and cute and thin and pretty and just ughh thin! 

Also my dash on tumblr was filled with such petite, thin girls ;[  

and I'm feeling really lonely today (and reality is I am alone, almost always) and filled with this deep sad/anxious feeling that is always there and I can never get rid of it.   Some days the feeling is so bad I don't know what to do with myself, and feel like crawling out of my own skin and crying and I just feel like I am breaking down slowly everyday.