My purging has gotten vicious.

I hate when I have horrible binge//purge cycles.  I have eaten almost all the food I have (with exception of a few cans of beans and condiments such as ketchup and mustard).  Not buying anything until Saturday evening, in attempts to curb my binges, because this has got to stop. Not exactly fasting, just going to be consuming absolute zero energy drinks, as well as some non-fat vanilla yogurt; also thinking of maybe doing an 8 day juice/tea detox to help relax/slightly heal my body after all the bingeing and constant purging (yes, this would mean I would not take laxatives for the duration of the fast).   Not sure if I'll do it yet, but I'm considering it.  

On the other hand, I am not sure whether to be pleased with my laxative abuse or terrified at how much I have been taking lately.  A bit TMI, but for the last two days I have been going to the point where nothing, but these "sediments" come out; which I read means there's nothing more in the intestines to push out.   Bad part of this is that when one increases an already abnormal number of laxatives to take daily, you find yourself in more pain than previously.  And I mean stabbing, sharp, shooting, give you goosebumps sort of pain and the worse is when I get them at work. On the topic of laxatives I found this box at the pharmacy that says "purgative", it's about $17, and it says it's specifically for those doing a colonoscopy or intestinal x-ray/something else.   I think I may buy it on Friday and use it since I don't work on Saturday (hopefully my roommate is not back/home on the Saturday, because I feel like I will be in the bathroom ALL DAY).

Stares and down 8lbs

so I dropped about 8lbs (mostly water weight I think, but whatever).  It wasn't that I was necessarily restricting, just sometimes I have no money and like I didn't have anything to eat except ketchup and rice for the last 3 days or so and I wanted to cry.  It's funny how much easier it is to starve yourself when you know you have food/money for food, yet when you're broke with absolutely no way of getting food (well except for the rice I had) it's a totally different story and you just feel almost as if you're a lesser person, yet when I starve myself when I do have food I feel like 'more' of a person. 
My monthly tax thing of $22 came in today so I went out an bought pizza pops (cheese kind), minigos, pop tarts and black cherry ice cream; had half a cup of the ice cream, 2 minigos, half a pop tart and a pizza pop.  About a minute after I finished I felt so sick and I had to throw up; most of it came out.  I think I'm going to go back to being a vegan; have been a lacto vegetarian for a month now and the food I choose is worse and makes me feel sicker and I believe my body is having trouble digesting all the  fats and sugars.  

Anyways I found a new place for May :] it is small, but cute, tidy and there's a washer and dryer in our apartment.  Plus it's near a river and the Saint-Laurent river and has a bunch of bike paths and whatnot; going to start jogging and cycling a few times a week once I move in (plus it gets super bright out by 6 20 am now).  

The river near my new apartment ♥ 

Didn't post this in my previous post, but basically when I told the people at my work I wanted to dye my hair black (which I did 2 years ago and it looked fantastic) their responses were all similar:

"You're too pale for black hair."

"Black hair will make you look paler and sicker looking."

"You're pale and it wouldn't be too bad if you were just pale, but you look tired all the time."

"You'd look really sickly if you died your hair black." 

"It's just that you have tiredness written all over your face."

"You're pale, you look tired and like the outside of your eyes are red from tiredness and you can see some of the veins around your eyes; black hair would only bring that out and make you look ill." 

"You're pale, but like yellow so black wouldn't look good." 

Thanks.  This was last Saturday and on the Sunday my manager sees me and says (and I quote):

"You look REALLY tired. Are you ok?" 

Do I look so tired that I look not okay?   Do I look so tired I look ill/hungover/ not okay?

Whatever I always have a smile on my face and that's important.  

Not sure if it's clear in the pictures, but my winter/fall coat that was super snug on me last year is pretty loose on me now :] ♥

tingling lips and muscle pains.

I have been keeping a calendar of symptoms for the month of March since I've been getting weird persistent things like my lips tingling, pins and needles on the soles of my feet and random leg pains as well as muscle pains, headaches and my legs and arms falling asleep easy - but it's like I may be getting worse, but I'm not getting smaller.  I just want to disappear, get away from all this stress. It's not about weight, it's about coping with stress and coping with my own existence.

Horrible cravings.

I have been having the most extreme salt and sugar cravings for the past month at least.  These last 2 weeks have mostly been extreme sugar cravings:  basically eating toast with jam, rice with jam, rice with almond milk and brown sugar, and jam.   They are all soo loaded with sugar it's insane and I'm never satisfied :[
Also I think I missed my period this month (knock on wood, last time I thought that I got it 5 days later) - maybe it's late again and I'm just having really long,  MAJOR pms cravings.
Who knows.
But I wish they would go away, it is so distracting and getting on my nerves.

 

Not a great photo, but it's rice, almond milk and mangoes - it's soo good and soo sweet.

 

Secondly:  started sewing again...kinda.  I set up my machine, and finally started cutting the fabric for my summer dress and a cute floral skirt.  The skirt is really simple and since it's just a elastic band at the waist I don't really need to worry about size.  The dress on the other hand I made smaller, because, well I want to be smaller.  I know sounds messed up, but it sort of motivates me :]

Thirdly,  I am absolutely lethargic, lazy, tired, not concentrated and really need to get my butt into gear.

 

Just a few randomish pictures that I feel relate to how I feel; I am tired and feel ignored, like everyone sees me as a human shape, but never actually sees me (the reason you can't see their faces).

Sleep.

I'm a person who feels too much - sensitive to other people's feelings and struggles, even movies make me cry a lot.  The bad usually overwhelms the good.
But sometimes I feel too much about myself, my situation, my reality and it's so intense, it overwhelms me.  Days like today and the weekend are days where I wish I could go numb.  Sometimes it happens, no feelings, no emotions and I prefer it over days like today.  I have only gone to work and class and have stayed in bed doing nothing productive even though I have papers due soon.  I'm tired, so tired.
And I want to die, but I don't.
But the disdain I feel for my life is too much.

I'm going to bed even though it's only 5pm.

bad memory.

I have such a bad memory and with the busyness of my work I completely blank out.  There were so many times today where I took someone's number back, would take their clothes and ask for their number because for the life of me I could not remember taking it.  It's like I don't retain a lot of things, a tad bit scary.  However I have had one episode as a child where I totally blanked out a good 2 minutes of memory - the only reason I knew I lost 2 minutes of my memory was because my brother and mother were kinda freaked out/thought I was joking when I asked to see the new photos my mother got developed, turns out just a minute before I sat down and went through all the photos (there were around 60 of them), but for the life of me I could not remember doing that.  Now it's just the normal bad forgetfulness, except it's getting a bit freaky/excessive, but I was pretty tired today so that probably contributed to it.

 

I have this thing where I like taking pictures of my eye/side of face. 

So tired.  I have no money for laxatives like I mentioned before so I have been using the fiber laxative one and I end up having to take at least 4 times more just to be able to poop in 2 days.  It's been horrible, the only good thing is my appetite has decreased (most probably from not going to the bathroom 3 or more times a day like I usually did).  Dislike this so much, not having laxatives I mean.  Gonna buy some on friday though :] Also cancelling my monthly cell phone plan and going with a pay as you go, cause I'd rather have the money to spend on laxatives - I'm horrid and my priorities are skewed and I have an addiction to laxatives.  I know all this and am okay with it. I just want my laxatives, which brings me to me to my Skype date with a friend.  I'm telling my friend how dangerous laxatives are and how she should talk to our other friend (the one who was hospitalized for anorexia) cause I saw some laxatives in her room when I was over back home last week. I am such a hypocrite.

blood, sooo much pain ~

I don't know why, but since about Saturday (while still at my parents house) I started getting more frequent abdominal pains and just like what the fuck?  I took one ONE fucking laxative today! O  N  E!! and normally I take an excess of 6 (usually 6 - 10) in one day.   But today I took one and yet I still got such terrible, terrible pain in my left abdomen.   I don't know, I just never expect to get such bad/severe pain when I haven't taken practically any laxatives today.   Also I have more recently had blood when going to the bathroom - can't figure out if it's a hemorrhoid or whatever it's called (apparently they can be internal) but I don't feel pain when going so I don't think it's serious.

This was last week at my parent's house: cheerios with almond milk and half an apple cut up ♥

also I have no money for laxatives (my cards are maxed out, and I have rent to pay and just paid for March bus pass), but I have this fiber laxative powder I bought back in November/December  so I'll use that for the time being - it doesn't dissolve very well though :/ 

I have been trying to take better care of myself, as in moisturize daily, and do stretches and some exercise everyday.   I'm still debating if I want to start a shake diet, so scared of getting better and it pisses me off at how much of a baby and not responsible of a person I am.

Internal battle.

I am having this internal battle with myself.  There is a strong nagging for me to try recovery to a certain degree.  A part of me is screaming  "Look what you are doing to yourself!" and that part of me is saying that I cannot keep doing this: I am so exhausted, my body's running out of fuel and on the outside I just pretend to go on like normal, but I just can't continue.   My bones ache, my joints flare up; my muscles get achy and cramp even when I don't do anything physical; my eyes water non-stop and ache & hurt; my skin gets patches of dry, scaly skin; my head pounds; I get weak and shaky a lot of the time and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. 
Apart of me, however, wants to keep going.   I want to see how far I can push myself, how much more I can take, because this addiction - I am not ready to leave behind.  It is my shelter, my mask, my comfort.   But another part of me is screaming to take the vitamins, the iron supplements, the medications.  Screaming at me to at least drink a meal replacement shake and to start using fiber powder instead of laxatives.  Screaming at me to stop. STOP. STOP


STOP.


STOP .


STOP .



but I don't think I can....maybe next month I will try.  Maybe, just maybe I'll try to attempt recovery - and maybe one day I will be better.

Hiding. Because I was always good at hide and seek.

My tumblr has recently been filled with such pretty things: flowers, tea sets, cartoon and childish pictures of teddy bears and pink glitter, rilakkuma, twin stars, hello kitty & my melody, hearts, strawberries and anything else that reminds me of the simplicity of being a child and not focusing on reality.  These things bring me comfort, because I can mask my true self through them.  I mask my self through my main tumblr, fabricating an intricate lie about myself for people to believe.  Well I guess it's not a lie in a whole, but it does stray from the whole truth leaving  a big portion out, and thus leaving behind a story quite different than the one I am living in.

Poem by me, that I spontaneously wrote out, just now.  It's just my feelings blurted out in words, and may not even seem like a poem.
 


I am weak and sad,
The blood flowing through my veins is watered down fruit punch;
No nutrition within at all.
My hair is turning to straw,
My hands to jelly, as they shake and the blood
Like a waterfall, falls down from my face
All the time my heart is dancing faster and faster;
It feels like the time of the mute music has increased,
And my heart needs to follow,
But my body cannot keep up.
The pounding in my chest makes me want to heave
And it feels like I have the whole world within me.
The whole world needing to get out
I need it to get out
But how?
No time to think
I just sit
Shaking,
Heart thumping,
Vision blurring,
Perhaps dying,
And I slowly sip some water
Realizing this will all repeat again. 

 

I feel boxed up and thinking of recovery?

 It has never really been about weight;  I first started throwing up as a coping mechanism for stress which progressed and eventually became an on/off  thing with restricting.  I would have weeks were I would binge and purge and weeks where I would restrict and fast and exercise.   This has been going on for three and a half years, and it's gotten to the point where I don't just want to get smaller, a lot smaller, but I want to get sicker as well.  I don't know, I don't really understand, but I know that's what I want.   Sitting here thinking about this I realized how silly and wrong I am being - I mean I could be a lot smaller by just drinking one or two vegan meal replacement shakes and I would be a lot healthier too.   But this kind of thought scares me; recovery scares me, but most of all being healthy and living a long life just
petrifies me for some reason. 

my legs: my calves have always bugged me.  You can kind of see them in the picture.

I don't know.  I may try a meal replacement diet with vegan acidophilus (bio-k) for the month of March without laxatives, but I'm not sure that would count as recovery?
Ahhh things are just too confusing and I make my life more complicated than it should be.

Cleaning, snow and being sleeping beauty.

So I finally took off the duvet and pillow covers (about time I washed them) and put on a fresh mattress cover, took out the garbage and today after my lecture I will proceed to continue cleaning my room. My enthusiasm to get my room to a pristine condition may be mostly in part to the fact that I think I found [and killed] a cockroach.   Which scares the living daylights out of me and I looked in the corners (where there are holes in the wall - it's an old building), but I don't see any cockroach poop droppings and so my fear brings me to the bottom of my closet because that's where all the drain pipes from the bathroom are located.  I am just hoping and praying that I have no cockroaches in my room and that they came from another part of my apartment.  

Secondly,  I have been sleeping A LOT.  Like holy crap, I think I may be turning into a hibernating bear, although a sleeping beauty reference sounds much more appealing.  I wake up, go to my lecture(s), come back and take a 2 - 3 hour nap, be awake for a few more hours then proceed to going back to sleep.  I am thinking this is either due to my anemia (which I haven't been taking my iron pills for) or to stress/depression.   And I'm also very lethargic; I am a turtle, a hibernating turtle.

Food and my fat self

So I was planning on doing a fast today, but as life would have it I ended up going to a thai fast food place in the food court.  Their portion sizes are pretty big, but I ate maybe 1/5th of the food before something clicked in my head and I thought to myself "what the hell am I doing?" and  stopped. I managed to stop myself from eating delicious (and their food is honestly sooo good) food that I paid $12 for.  Money down the drain, but hey at least I didn't do what I normally do (which is eat almost all of it because I already broke my fast and paid for it, but nope I'm in control now). I am so happy because even though my fast was broken, I only ate a bit.  I also took 2 laxatives this morning and 3 right after I ate a bit of the thai food which calmed me down and made me feel back in control.  Hmm ya :] I got this.
After leaving the food court I made my way to the shoppers drug mart (or pharmaprix as it's called in Quebec) and bought another box of 30 laxatives and I noticed that this fibre/laxative drink powder was on sale so bought it as well. I swear the people at pharmaprix must think I have serious constipation problems    
 -_-' .

Oh and not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but I was feeling extremely self destructive last week and bruised up my right hip pretty good, as well as my left shoulder; the hip is all purple, blue and turning green in some spots.  I never cease to surprise myself with what I do.

 A close up of my bruise, although this was taken 2 days ago and now it's a deeper purple colour.

I feel like a child who needs constant naps.

I honestly feel the need to sleep 6 hours after waking up.  The last few days I have been waking up around noon or 1pm and going back to bed around 6 pm, waking up around 11pm or midnight and then falling asleep again at 5 am .

naps are so nice :"} 

Also woke up about an hour ago and felt extremely weak, drank the rest of my nestea to feel a bit better.  But I must say I'm proud of myself :] I have been  eating very, very little these past few days! Yesterday I only ate 6 pieces of veggie sushi (so about 2/3rds of the tray) and that was all, and the day before I ate a bite of bread :] ahh so happy! However my body is less so, and I have taken oh so many laxatives - most of the last 2 days I have been passing water, or at least it looks like water. But my stomach is still there, as big as always and I have been fluctuating only 2 pounds...
I wanna go to the gym, but I am so tired and weak all the time ;[  (actually I'm just a really lazy person).

If I could get smaller, perhaps I'd disappear, perhaps all my problems would disappear. At least that's what I'd like to believe some days. 

I have been awake for about an hour now (it's past midnight) but I'm still groggy and tired so I may have another pickle and go back to bed.

Wilting away. I die, and then breath and die once more.

I'm like a plant.  I wilt in winter. It's actually quite sad.  Actually I am probably more like a tropical plant, because even when spring time comes around I find it hard to bloom again.

Very few people know what this feels like; never fully living.   Everyday is a struggle against yourself, a struggle to keep living and to stop yourself from killing yourself.  It's tiring getting up everyday, telling yourself it's okay and you're going to make it.  Pushing yourself everyday to keep living, pushing yourself to do the small things like shower, do the laundry, wash the dishes, pick the clothes up from your floor and so on.  Sometimes I'll have weeks where I'm plagued with suicidal thoughts that are so strong I honestly don't know what to do with myself.  I sit on my bed wanting to scream, to crawl out of my skin; I just sit and shake and sometimes cry.  Other times I feel better, in the sense that I don't feel suicidal all the time, maybe once during the week or once in two weeks.  Those weeks are nice,  I feel like my battle is a bit less tense and that I have a tiny bit of space.  A clutter of space, but some space nonetheless.  Those weeks are nice, but still hard, by the end of the day I always feel terribly lonely and sadder than I was when I woke up.  I feel overwhelmed, disgusted with myself and just never know what to do with myself.  It's a bit sad how days like that I consider my better days.

Today, after class I am finally going to do my laundry, because I ran out of underwear and socks to wear (actually I ran out 2 days ago - I have been going commando since then).   I'm going to wash my dishes (again), finally put on my sheet that goes over my mattress, and I'll try really hard to exercise a bit today and I'll try not to think of all the bills I have to pay.  Also, I've been finding stairs harder, and harder to climb - my heart always feels like a ball bouncing off a wall and I'm so out of breath after just 2 flights of stairs it's ridiculous,  and I've been getting this headache right above my eyebrows and now it's spread to my eyes (like behind my eyes - which I think is because I need glasses).

See, I complain a lot - I am such a selfish, horrid person when it comes to my thoughts.  Honestly, I have a roof over my head which some people don't have, I always complain, and I'm a hypocrite.  But I try, I really do try to be a good person.







Fuck everything.

fell asleep in the library.

and the security guard woke me up -_- sooo embarrassing....  it's just past 5pm and I woke up at like 11:30 am and had like 8 hours sleep as well.  I am honestly terribly tired all the time, and instead of doing my essay I slept (at least I did a rough note on ideas and arguments in the essay).   I think I'm going to catch the 6 pm bus back to my apartment and take a nap and just work on my essay from home/watch movies during the night (unless the power goes off again in my place, but I don't feel like catching the bus again at night and my bunny is probably lonely without moi </3 ). Oh watched Pocahontas yesterday :} first time I watched it in awhile and I watched the whole thing (sometimes I only watched a part of a movie before deciding I don't want to watch it), may watch Hercules or the Lord of the Rings trilogy ! excited ♥  but first things first: nap time ! (I feel like such a little kid with such low levels of energy and always needing to sleep).

Everything ready to spill, no one to catch it.

I have so much I wish I could say, wish I could get off my chest, but I have no one.  No one who would really listen and try to help, no one I trust enough to tell.
This secret, this life I live that no one know about is honestly such a burden, but in a way I'm happy no one knows because then everyone can go on believing I am that "happy, animal loving, caring girl" and no one wil "tsk tsk look what you've done to yourself" when I keep getting sicker - because no one will know.  No one will suspect.


Also like I mentioned in the previous post: I feel like total crap.  I guess that's because I am.....but in all seriousness all my muscles hurt and I am beyond tired (which is normal, but it gets tiring being tired ahahaha my puns are great), and the pain in my hands keeps getting worse and occurs more often,  and my back is all in knots and it feels like I did over 300 crunches, and I'm lonely and sad and I just need someone.
I just want to sleep, sleep sooo bad and wake up in the springtime when the sun is warming up the earth again and everything is being reborn and maybe then, I too will be reborn and learn to live again.  Live well and proper.   Oh simple dreams, if they could only come true.