decisions, decisions, decisions and tears.

So I ended up crying today at work; nothing particular just stress that was building up for awhile (perhaps all the stress from finals and moving that I just bottled up?).   Anyways it was super embarrassing, and I could feel I was going to cry, but I was trying so hard not to and right before I did (I was working fitting rooms) one of the clients coming back out could tell I was going to cry and he gave me a sympathetic look and gently touched my shoulder. Afterwards I went to the back of our area in fitting rooms where the racks of clothes are and started crying, but I realized I was going to cry and I mean heave and gasp cry so I ran to the bathroom in the employee lounge.  One of my managers heard what happened and she was really nice about it and said that sometimes clients can get to you and that just yesterday she almost cried, and felt tears welling up from a really rude customer.  I have great coworkers and amazing managers and I'm so grateful ♥  

I'm also having the dilemma if I want to start seeing a psychiatrist, because I found this amazing clinic and they do a sliding scale (I think I mentioned this before, but they charge based on income).  But I am so nervous to call and set up an appointment and what if they don't take me seriously or think I need to be seeing them; I'm so nervous :[
I'll decide by next payday if I am going to or not.

Finally all moved in and university is over until september :']

This the season of moving!

Oh joy! I am in the midst of packing and I am moving in two days and have no internet at the moment so I'm using my university's wifi when I have time to come down; but I probably won't post until about Friday or Thursday.  Moving is so stressful; I don't even know why, but it is just soo overwhelming :[


Also I wore mascara yestereday (saturday).  I have not worn make up in a solid five months and it was soo hard getting all of the mascara off after.

Me before work on saturday with mascara on ~

To ease ones' thoughts.

Perhaps I have started writing so much because I have so much I am angry about; so much to say.  There were plenty of times where, I guess you could say, I was worse off or in a more horrible state of mind; yet most problems, and anger, issues and frustrations get absorbed by my skin, and veins and hair and settle there and pile up one by one on top until I feel I must write some of it out before they start to overflow and seep from the pores of my being; before they make me a gooey mess (and I am unsure if I have not started becoming sticky and seeping from them yet).  I must write to ease my thoughts and put my soul a bit at ease for I have not my paintbrushes or canvas or paper or etching utensils to create; I haven't created anything in so long. No clothing's sewn, no pictures drawn, no thoughts painted and no human figures etched onto the flawless surfaces of plexiglass; writing is all I have time for between my studies and work, but at the very least I still have it.


[For mother]

One day you will look at me
And you will finally see me
Shaking you'll reach out and realize
That I am not yours. 
That shouldn't surprise you
You knew long ago I wasn't yours
You made that clear through your words
Your actions.
Why couldn't you come to love your daughter?
What was so wrong with the girl who just wanted to be loved?
Were you jealous of the attention your little girl got from men who'd see her on the streets,
From men in church, from men who would say "no, if it's for you it's free"
As they handed her that toy, that decorated wooden easter egg, that lollipop.
Why couldn't you love that little girl?
Why couldn't you love me?
I still love you
Even if you can never love me back.

- A.J.

no appetite, food, exams, papers, work - no time for sleep

So for the last week I have had practically no appetite (like a cup of rice a day or a few pieces of candy) because I was so busy and stressed and it was just a crazy week.  I had two papers to write and hand in; the first one I am pretty satisfied and don't think I made any erroneous or unsatisfactory conclusions and arguments.  The second essay, however, was a horrendous tragedy - a student from grade 7 could have probably written it.   I had such a hazy head, I honestly could not think straight and I wrote my essay but it is short, and simple and probably sounds something like "apples can come in various colours ranging from blahhh blahh blahh"  The worse part is that that is the course I am doing terrible in;  all my other courses are going great, but this one? nuh uhh just horribly bad - not to mention Friday (the day it was due) was just terrible in general.  I couldn't even take a 2 hour nap, because although I was tired and my body needed rest, it was just not falling asleep.  I was shaky, and cold and feeling ill and so I called in sick for the first time since working at my store (since August), went to bed instead and woke up 2 hours later with stomach pains, went to the bathroom and then took a bad tumble in the bathroom bruising up my calf pretty badly.  As I go to get some groceries and pain meds from the pharmacy, my intestines decide to flare up again and I honest to goodness gracious wasn't sure if I was going to make it back to my apartment in time.  Thankfully I did and sat in the bathroom for at least 30 minutes. Needless to say my whole digestive system decided to throw a tantrum - including my esophagus and stomach.  

I'm in for another crazy week: I worked all weekend, working Monday( tomorrow), Friday and Saturday and I have 2 exams this week - one tomorrow and one on Wednesday and then have two more essays next week.  Oh dear....how on earth am I going to do this?

Some pictures I took during the busy and stressful week - taking pictures helps me cope with stress a bit. 

  

This actually turned out decently cool :] 

 

Cleaning, snow and being sleeping beauty.

So I finally took off the duvet and pillow covers (about time I washed them) and put on a fresh mattress cover, took out the garbage and today after my lecture I will proceed to continue cleaning my room. My enthusiasm to get my room to a pristine condition may be mostly in part to the fact that I think I found [and killed] a cockroach.   Which scares the living daylights out of me and I looked in the corners (where there are holes in the wall - it's an old building), but I don't see any cockroach poop droppings and so my fear brings me to the bottom of my closet because that's where all the drain pipes from the bathroom are located.  I am just hoping and praying that I have no cockroaches in my room and that they came from another part of my apartment.  

Secondly,  I have been sleeping A LOT.  Like holy crap, I think I may be turning into a hibernating bear, although a sleeping beauty reference sounds much more appealing.  I wake up, go to my lecture(s), come back and take a 2 - 3 hour nap, be awake for a few more hours then proceed to going back to sleep.  I am thinking this is either due to my anemia (which I haven't been taking my iron pills for) or to stress/depression.   And I'm also very lethargic; I am a turtle, a hibernating turtle.