Sleep.

I'm a person who feels too much - sensitive to other people's feelings and struggles, even movies make me cry a lot.  The bad usually overwhelms the good.
But sometimes I feel too much about myself, my situation, my reality and it's so intense, it overwhelms me.  Days like today and the weekend are days where I wish I could go numb.  Sometimes it happens, no feelings, no emotions and I prefer it over days like today.  I have only gone to work and class and have stayed in bed doing nothing productive even though I have papers due soon.  I'm tired, so tired.
And I want to die, but I don't.
But the disdain I feel for my life is too much.

I'm going to bed even though it's only 5pm.

My days are spent sitting in bed on my butt.

I cannot wait for university to resume again.  I have spent the majority of the last 5 days in bed watching Miss Marple and Harry Potter  and knitting all the while I somehow miraculously managed to lose the 4 lbs I put on while at my parents house over Christmas (well I do eat comparatively less here than when I am back in my hometown).

Took this sweater from my brother when I was over at my parents house.  tee hee hee heee >:]

Also my family doctor called my house (my parents house - cause that's my permanent address) and no surprise - slightly anemic the test results say again.
But the sickest part about this whole little life of mine that I'm acting out is that I lie about almost everything. I just don't take my iron pills, I don't take my vitamins, I don't take my b12, I don't take my 1600 calories a day, but do I take my laxatives.  I smile, I nod, I empty the bottles, and if it's at my parents house I put the pills in my mouth but never actually swallow.  Simply put I don't want to get better, I want to get worse, I want to be this small, sickly looking girl.  I don't know why, I just do.

Crank