I'm lost, but I don't feel it.

Confusing title, because I am utterly and truly confused.  Some days I wake up and think "I don't have a problem; this is all in my head and I'm fine.  Sure I take laxatives daily, and throw up and restrict and binge, but I am not out of control.  I am not disordered. I am fine and just over dramatic." Yet, I know this is not so. I know because if someone else did what I do on a daily basis, I would tell them they need help; yet I cannot help, but feel this way sometimes. 

I have also been craving to start etching once again, but I haven't for fear I will start self harming again (as the razor on the etching knives are extremely sharp and cut the skin very easily; my old one is at my parents house, but it is all rusted from the blood and so I would have to buy a new one and I know that if I do, my thighs will be all sliced up again).  I wish I could do things that I enjoy, without fear of hurting myself; just like with drinking, I become dangerously reckless and suicidal (without of course verbally expressing it and blaming the injuries on the alcohol). 

I think my biggest problem is that I hate myself, and no matter how far I move; no matter the amount of friends I make or let go of; no matter how much I change my appearance; the fact remains I cannot run away from myself, but I don't know how to face myself.  I don't know the solution to my problem;  my problem being myself and my hatred for myself.  What is the solution? How do I overcome this, because god knows I have tried and yet here I am with a problem bigger than it began.

(on Mont Royal)

  

 You cannot find peace by avoiding life - V. Woolf. 

Wilting away. I die, and then breath and die once more.

I'm like a plant.  I wilt in winter. It's actually quite sad.  Actually I am probably more like a tropical plant, because even when spring time comes around I find it hard to bloom again.

Very few people know what this feels like; never fully living.   Everyday is a struggle against yourself, a struggle to keep living and to stop yourself from killing yourself.  It's tiring getting up everyday, telling yourself it's okay and you're going to make it.  Pushing yourself everyday to keep living, pushing yourself to do the small things like shower, do the laundry, wash the dishes, pick the clothes up from your floor and so on.  Sometimes I'll have weeks where I'm plagued with suicidal thoughts that are so strong I honestly don't know what to do with myself.  I sit on my bed wanting to scream, to crawl out of my skin; I just sit and shake and sometimes cry.  Other times I feel better, in the sense that I don't feel suicidal all the time, maybe once during the week or once in two weeks.  Those weeks are nice,  I feel like my battle is a bit less tense and that I have a tiny bit of space.  A clutter of space, but some space nonetheless.  Those weeks are nice, but still hard, by the end of the day I always feel terribly lonely and sadder than I was when I woke up.  I feel overwhelmed, disgusted with myself and just never know what to do with myself.  It's a bit sad how days like that I consider my better days.

Today, after class I am finally going to do my laundry, because I ran out of underwear and socks to wear (actually I ran out 2 days ago - I have been going commando since then).   I'm going to wash my dishes (again), finally put on my sheet that goes over my mattress, and I'll try really hard to exercise a bit today and I'll try not to think of all the bills I have to pay.  Also, I've been finding stairs harder, and harder to climb - my heart always feels like a ball bouncing off a wall and I'm so out of breath after just 2 flights of stairs it's ridiculous,  and I've been getting this headache right above my eyebrows and now it's spread to my eyes (like behind my eyes - which I think is because I need glasses).

See, I complain a lot - I am such a selfish, horrid person when it comes to my thoughts.  Honestly, I have a roof over my head which some people don't have, I always complain, and I'm a hypocrite.  But I try, I really do try to be a good person.







Fuck everything.