First time in over a month.

I threw up (on purpose) for the first time in over a month.  It's funny how some months I will throw up a few times a day and than I can go weeks without throwing up - well I still purge, just only through laxatives.   But I must say I forgot how good it feels to throw up, well it feels horrible to.  It's hard to explain; it's simply very addictive, but your throat feels raw, and the tears stream down your face, but it feels nice to have that automatic relief of emptiness from your stomach and I binged bad today, like to the point where I felt physically sick and so so so full - I haven't had a binge like that in a long time:  a whole can of pringles, a whole bag/package of chocolate cookies, a grande gingerbread latte, a venti passiontea lemonade unsweetened, a bag of deep fried tofu with peanut sauce, stirfried eggplant and peppers with rice [the whole serving which is like a giant take out box - like at least 2 plate servings], 3 fruit punch juice boxes and a falafel sandwich (keep in mind this was all within like 4 - 5 hours).   I'm pretty sure the same security guard at my uni saw me eat the stir fry eggplant meal, my venti passiontea lemonade, the chips and the falafel sandwich - I think he thinks I'm a fat, greedy, gluttonous person.  Oh and on top of that I was wearing like 50 layers of clothing, so I must have appeared more fat than I am :[ (I had my sports bra, undershirt, t-shirt, sweater, fall jacket and winter jacket on top of that - I was really cold so I didn't take any of them off when I was inside the art building eating). ugghhhhhh  bad, bad, bad day.  Took some laxatives and hoping I'll be able to do a juice/water fast tomorrow.

This is me internally, from pain and frustration and desperately wanting to get smaller ;[ 

I'm soo fat, I swear when I come home everyone will be like "what happened? are you going into hibernation because you sure packed on the weight!"  aha jk I doubt anyone would actually say that, but I need to stop binging.  Actually I need to stop eating, cause every time I eat I just feel, like physically feel myself get bigger. I feel the calories sticking to me, and unless I take laxatives they will forever stay in my system and turn to fat.  I know I have to eat, but I just feel like I don't need to eat and if I didn't eat I could stop purging. ahh I am such a contradiction, full of nonsense.But honestly I want to get a reaction from people when I come home for Christmas.  As terrible as it sounds, I want to hear "oh my gosh you lost weight" and "you really must be sick, cause look at you" (most people know I have been having "stomach problems" and getting the recent tests done kinda backs me up hehe :] ).  I'm such a horrid person, no really - after writing my thoughts down and re-reading them I realize how twisted some of my  thoughts are.

Also, my puffy winter coat (the one that actually keeps me warm) is from 3 - 4 years ago when I was really fat and I only ever wore it a few times.  Now when I want to wear it, no matter how many layers I put on underneath, it is clearly to big on me and the style of the coat does not look good if you wear it oversized - just looks like you borrowed it from someone cause you couldn't afford a coat in your size (it's a size L).   So now with the really cold weather I just layer, wearing a sweater over my shirt, my fall jacket and winter jacket on top - I should really buy a proper winter coat, as well as winter boots because my old ones are falling apart. (well right now I have no money, but I'll try and see if my mother will be able to get me new boots for Christmas)

This coat ^ is so cute :] however I doubt it would keep me warm enough -_-



* I wrote this last night, but the internet went off in my apartment for some reason so I had to wait til this morning when I got to my uni's library to post it.