why do I do this to myself?

sometimes I ask myself that question and the only answer I can come up with is that I just really, really dislike myself.  The funny thing is, if someone asked me what I disliked/hated about myself I wouldn't really have an answer - I kinda would, but it wouldn't be concrete. 

Other times I just feel like I don't have a problem, and that it's all in my head and I'm over-analyzing my situation.  Like these past few days I just cannot seem to understand that I have a problem: sure I take over 6 laxatives everyday, and self harm sometimes and go through months of throwing and starve myself sometimes, but it doesn't seem like a big deal.  I feel like I'm being a baby over this by thinking I may have a problem.  

On an upper note my little brother recieved my birthday present that I bought him off redbubble ♥
It's a children's Pikkalink shirt :"] I bought the size 10 and it fits him perfect with room to spare.
 He was so happy that when I was skyping my mom today before work he was walking around in the background making sure I saw he was wearing the shirt ♥   I honest to God love my siblings so so much.  I do not know what I'd do without them, they are everything to me and they're the ones I think of when I'm at my worst.  

I'm also thinking that once this semester is over I'm going to buy myself a canvas and start painting again, because I feel like when I paint it helps me somehow.

And yet sometimes I like to imagine that my sadness can turn into something beautiful - I do try to be optimistic.