For the first time in two years

As I was taking the bus to the library today I realized that I wanted to live; for the first time in 2 years I did not want to die; I had no suicidal feelings.  It was absolutely amazing, although I couldn't figure out why I felt this way, where it was coming from; it was just this feeling, this emotion that I wanted to live. Not that I had to live or couldn't die, but that I want to live.  I know it doesn't sound like a big thing, but for me; a person who for the last two years has almost constantly wanted to die; it is a big freakin' deal; it's like a breakthrough and I hope to goodness graciousness it does not leave me.

This the season of moving!

Oh joy! I am in the midst of packing and I am moving in two days and have no internet at the moment so I'm using my university's wifi when I have time to come down; but I probably won't post until about Friday or Thursday.  Moving is so stressful; I don't even know why, but it is just soo overwhelming :[


Also I wore mascara yestereday (saturday).  I have not worn make up in a solid five months and it was soo hard getting all of the mascara off after.

Me before work on saturday with mascara on ~

wowww.

I honestly felt like my blood sugar dropped today when I was in the library and ate a chocolate bar and a pizza pocket thing (2 of them) which just caused me to go to the bathroom and it took about an hour or so before I started feeling less shaky; maybe it's dehydration?  Also I think I have gotten an actual, not going away, hemorrhoid or something;  it is like a swollen vein and it is PAINFUL.  I'll see if it doesn't go away by Monday I'll buy that H Cream they sell in pharmacies ~
I keep telling myself I'll stop with the laxatives, but it never works.  I hate this, I hate it so much.   I spend so much money on laxatives; money I don't.  I'm also getting varicose veins on the back of my knee on my right leg (at least it looks like varicose veins) and it looks absolutely horrid. I just look horrid in general. 

Although I must say I look decent when I take pictures with my ipod in the mornings cause the light makes my skin look soo good ~   if only this was the reality ;[

Me yesterday morning; if only my skin looked this good in reality. 

I also discovered a most wondrous book, unlike any other, just a few moments ago and I will post with pictures later about it as I am squealing with excitement from stumbling upon such a find (although I really must get back to writing my take home exam). 

I think I may put on make up on saturday or sunday, because I haven't worn makeup in about 5 months (and my eyelashes have gotten so thick!); but now that I'm used to make up I really don't wanna put any on, although I should since I look like crap 24/7.

Lastly I want to dye my hair black, but I realize I am way too pale at the moment; or more accurately everyone has been pointing out that I am too pale.  I kinda want to dye it like a bleach blonde mint colour but my hair is way too damaged to go lighter and I cannot find any semi-permanent hair colours that I would want other than black; I feel like if I did dye it black everyone would probably be right....

Sometimes I like my nose (but most of the time I don't). 

 

One last selfie I'm posting, because it would be a waste to not post all the pictures I take while I'm in the library studying...

 

One last thing: I'm thinking of starting a vlog ! I'm just not sure how to post videos on youtube, but once I have them done and up I will link them on here :]

Open your eyes.

I think we all forget how to see; I mean see the world, not our view of the world itself.  You see the world is beautiful, even the ugly bits are beautiful.  Everything intertwines in such a beautiful, sometimes tragic way, but it's all meant to be.   You see, when I look at the people around me, I tend to see things others don't;  I see the beauty in everybody; I see the insecurities in some people and it brings out empathy; I see loneliness in that lady who takes the bus everyday;  I see innocence and love in the child and father walking down the street; I see desperation and a person breaking in the eyes of the homeless girl in the metro and my heartbreaks for her.  I see love, kindness, sadness; I see all of this and it makes me happy and sad all at once.   We must never forget to really look at people, because I could look and see people not as they are, but as my own feelings about them;  I could see that lady on the bus as a cranky, rude, crazy lady, but I don't because that is not her; she is a person, a human going through life and we must never forget that.   We must never forget we all feel and we all fall and each one of us can see something of ourselves in others; we must all care and we must all start to see instead of just look.

Sometimes all a person really needs is a smile or kind look from a stranger.  I know I have.

Free time, exams, summer plans.

Went out and bought myself spf 45 sunscreen even though it's still only about 10 Celsius; I'm weird and I don't want to have a tan face and hands and my body be pale so I'll just all be pale.   Also I realize I won't be in school for the next 4 months because university is out until September and I won't have anything to I need to do outside of work.  I need things to keep me occupied, I need to be constantly doing something or I start to realize how much I hate all this and it just all gets too much.  I may sign up for hot yoga, since I really enjoyed it when I was a teen;  I may also make a plan to start jogging with a friend on weekends.   I'll also visit museums on my days off since admission is free and  the MMFA has really cute places to sit outside/in their sculpture garden, so I may go there to write and draw.  I may also buy myself plexiglass and a new etching knife; I need to start creating again; knitting, sewing, painting, etching, drawing.

Summer 2001; we used to go camping almost every summer.  I really like summer; I really like this photo (I keep it by my bed).

I'm also going to sew myself a skirt to wear to my friends and mine birthday dinner; I made a facebook event page for it, and we're going to go to a bar and grill for dinner and drinks and then out to the bars afterwards (and perhaps have a brunch the following day). I haven't gone out in awhile and my last two birthdays were crap; not one of my 'friends' celebrated them and it just sucked in general, so this year I want it to be different. I'm also really hoping to have sex with one of my friends that night, but I dunno. 

Also have an exam tomorrow; not too nervous just a lot of memorizing and reading to do before 6pm tomorrow, then I have to bust my butt off to write my take home exam due Friday; after Friday my 4 month and a bit summer begins!  Yay and nay. 

Disgusting.

binge, binge, binge and purge, purge, purge
you will never be small and tiny
you fat, ugly girl.
you, the bones and fat and muscles and blood
that cannot even hold her life together
so desperately trying to hold everything together
by the seams
soon enough it will all break open
and all the garbage you've been hiding your whole life
will fall out and kill you
you
fat
ugly
girl

A.L

Self portrait of myself done on paint: chunky, frizzy hair, cheeks that flush a lot.

Bad binge; bad purge.

Last night after I wrote my previous post I went out and bought myself food to binge on; it has truly been a long time since I have actually "binged" (I bought enough food to last a week and binged on 2000 + calories, not fun).   Needless to say I threw most of it up, used a suppository and took 8 laxatives afterwards.  Maybe it was because I haven't purged through throwing up in a long time, but I was just utterly exhausted and completely drained; I had less energy than I did when I pull all nighters; like all I could do was lay in bed and even browsing the net was hard, but after sipping a sugary drink for a bit I started feeling better.  
I also need to start cutting down on refined sugars, because I feel like my levels are a bit erratic; especially at work.  I will tend to get extremely energetic after I eat, even if it's a "healthy" lunch, especially if I took a lot of laxatives the night before and was a bit dehydrated; or I will just become so out of it and cranky for no reason and I try so hard not to show it, but when I do I just play it off on no sleep (there were sooo many times I almost let out a snarky comment to a customer/yelled at my friends who work with me in the fitting room for talking too much or something).  This would make sense because when I was throwing up a lot back in gr.12 I was always cranky and easily cried and got frustrated at home. I must say it was kind of ridiculous sometimes; for ex. my favourite spoon was in the dish  washer and I couldn't use it or the bread we had wasn't the kind I liked and I would try so hard to keep it in, but would end up crying and being rude to everyone in the house; over a SPOON or bread type (or maybe it was just depression, or something else - purging and starving do weird things to your brain).
 I want to believe I am better in control, but I feel like one of these weekends at work I will just snap and that will not be pretty and after I snap and unleash my crankiness I will end up crying and it will all be a horribly, horrible, overdramatic scene; so I try really hard not to let that happen.

A selfie (it's so hard to take good pictures of yourself); been getting more sleep so although still pale I think I look a bit better :3 

 

I also bought a cute flannel plaid shirt at work yesterday :] it was only $15 and fits perfect; it was from the boys (children's) section, that's why it was so cheap and surprisingly fit my boobs perfectly (cause although they are small, they're still there and boys shirts are made with a totally flat chest in mind; so yay! Another plus is my friend from work and I are going to start jogging together after work on the weekends :"] this way I am forced to exercise and have motivation.  

Took this right after I threw up most of my binge; purging is not fun, hurts, your face swells and makes you look and feel like shit.  (Also sorry for bad lighting)