~

I really can't cope anymore.


I don't know what to do anymore.

Sitting in the library crying. Everything's wrong.

I hate being a disappointment - I had two classes last semester with this professor and I did REALLY well in both courses and this semester I have a course with him again and I received like a B on my first midterm and I completely failed the second midterm today (it was online so I got my results back).  He’s going to be so disappointed and I can’t face him telling me anything cause I’m so stressed as it is and I can’t deal with disappointments.  Going to try and make the term paper really good to make up for it, but it’s so hard with 5 courses a week, 20 hours or more of work, and 2 other essays on top of that.  I’m trying - I really am and that’s why it sucks because I’m getting back horrid results.
 I really can't take it anymore - I don't have energy to keep all this up plus my laxative abuse.  I have been drinking energy drinks everyday for the past week to keep me going, but a part of me also hopes all those energy drinks make my heart stop. 
I am disappointment to myself and those around me and I honestly CANNOT deal with being a failure and disappointment; really I can't.
I am on the verge of bursting into tears.  I am so tired, I have taken so many laxatives because that's what I do normally and when stressed I take even more.  My body is wearing down, my eyes hurt so much whenever I venture out into daylight, and I swear my eyesight is worsening.  The outsides of my eyes (like eyelids) are becoming this odd shade/pigment of brownish pinkish oranges and purple pink underneath my eyes - it just looks odd and even though I am utterly exhausted it takes me awhile to fall asleep and I wake up only a few hours later.

*It's kinda funny cause I was feeling semi-ok up until I did my exam and that just pushed me.

I want to disappear.  I want to go away.  I want to vanish.  I really am trying to deal with all of this and make it work, but it's not working and I'm failing at everything including basic life shit.  

tingling lips and muscle pains.

I have been keeping a calendar of symptoms for the month of March since I've been getting weird persistent things like my lips tingling, pins and needles on the soles of my feet and random leg pains as well as muscle pains, headaches and my legs and arms falling asleep easy - but it's like I may be getting worse, but I'm not getting smaller.  I just want to disappear, get away from all this stress. It's not about weight, it's about coping with stress and coping with my own existence.

no appetite, food, exams, papers, work - no time for sleep

So for the last week I have had practically no appetite (like a cup of rice a day or a few pieces of candy) because I was so busy and stressed and it was just a crazy week.  I had two papers to write and hand in; the first one I am pretty satisfied and don't think I made any erroneous or unsatisfactory conclusions and arguments.  The second essay, however, was a horrendous tragedy - a student from grade 7 could have probably written it.   I had such a hazy head, I honestly could not think straight and I wrote my essay but it is short, and simple and probably sounds something like "apples can come in various colours ranging from blahhh blahh blahh"  The worse part is that that is the course I am doing terrible in;  all my other courses are going great, but this one? nuh uhh just horribly bad - not to mention Friday (the day it was due) was just terrible in general.  I couldn't even take a 2 hour nap, because although I was tired and my body needed rest, it was just not falling asleep.  I was shaky, and cold and feeling ill and so I called in sick for the first time since working at my store (since August), went to bed instead and woke up 2 hours later with stomach pains, went to the bathroom and then took a bad tumble in the bathroom bruising up my calf pretty badly.  As I go to get some groceries and pain meds from the pharmacy, my intestines decide to flare up again and I honest to goodness gracious wasn't sure if I was going to make it back to my apartment in time.  Thankfully I did and sat in the bathroom for at least 30 minutes. Needless to say my whole digestive system decided to throw a tantrum - including my esophagus and stomach.  

I'm in for another crazy week: I worked all weekend, working Monday( tomorrow), Friday and Saturday and I have 2 exams this week - one tomorrow and one on Wednesday and then have two more essays next week.  Oh dear....how on earth am I going to do this?

Some pictures I took during the busy and stressful week - taking pictures helps me cope with stress a bit. 

  

This actually turned out decently cool :] 

 

I can't do this anymore.

.

I broke down crying while skyping my mother.  Everything is just too much and all the stress and everything has gotten too far and I started bawling.  My mother told me that I'm lonely and need someone - she even said I should do one night stands or just a sex friend because she told me I miss someone else's touch and she's right.  Other than the people I talk to at work and sometimes in my lectures I am completely lonely.  I have isolated myself (mostly financial, since I cannot afford to go out) and hang out with no one, have no friends here, have so much school work and papers to write, work a lot to make ends meet and come home to do more school work, or eat, or sleep.  I am terribly lonely and it's killing me. 
My mother even said that if I need to my dad could drive up all the way here and stay with me for a week, but that would be a) in my space ad b) what's the point if I'm either at school or work and what would we even do? 
I think I freaked my mother out a bit, but I just don't know what to do, I can't hold it in.
If wisterias grew this time of year and I stumbled upon them, I would put them in a sandwich and eat them, go to sleep and (hopefully) never wake up.

Back pain, calf pain, and rotting teeth.

Okay so my teeth aren't 'rotting' per say, but they have started going see-through, kinda grey at the bottoms of the teeth (both top and bottom rows).  It's disgusting.  I brush my teeth twice a day, sometimes more and they have started to look sickly :[  From what I searched on the internet and asked it is probably a calcium/general mineral deficiency.
And everything aches and I get random abrupt pains in random places on my body ~ someone come give me a personal massage?

Also I took some pictures of myself yesterday in my Marvel shirt (more for myself, but I'll post some on here since I view this as a personal journal/diary).