Everything's falling apart an I'm always the pillar everyone leans on

I have always been the one to pick up the pieces and help everyone; including my parents.   The only times my mom calls me is when she is going through a mental break and thinks no one loves her etc and now that my mother has gotten worse (both mentally and physically)  my father has been leaning on me.  The whole 4 days I've been home for the holidays,  he's been venting to me and asking what he should do etc.  I tried to help as much as I could but honestly today before I left that  I don't want to talk about mom anymore.  He said it's cause he needs someone that  talk it through and he can't do it by himself; I told him I understand but both with him and mom I am the only one they come to where  they have problems and I can't be there for them. I have been there for them since I was a child and I have my own problems  that they're never there for.  I can't.  It's not fair and things seem to be falling apart fast.

What a joke

Lol.  I want to cry.  If I'm being 100% honest,  the reason I restarted this blog is because I'm relapsing so badly.  I started b/p again (though not multiple times a day like before).  I miss my coping mechanisms; without them I just feel like everything is too much.  I also started sh. again  😢 honestly I'm 22 and I still haven't learned how to live.
It's sad,  but the only times I feel in control of my 'madness'  is when I'm purging or s.h and when I get small.
I miss being tiny; I wanna get back down to the size I was in Dec 2012.

Working, walking, not sleeping....

This past week I have walked over 16 km almost every day; not including the walking I do at work.  My feet are so sore and my legs have been cramping,  but that's mostly because of not drinking enough water.
I am absolutely  exhausted.  On top of everything my digestive system is effed up; I may have stopped abusing laxatives,  but a few months back my intestines have started acting as if I haven't stopped.  Maybe it's an intolerance to something?

On another note,  I had a proper shower today and it felt so good.  I mean,  I take a showers, but there is always that one shower that happens that makes you feel so pure and clean and good.  Almost like a fresh start and warm hug.
😌
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend  ❤

Back.

Wow,  it has been nearly two and a half years since I last posted on this blog and so much has changed; both for better and worse.
A quick run down  of what has happened over the last while is that during the summer of 2013 I decided to try and recover; I stumbled through my laxative abuse and although I struggled and abused a few more times I am now not using laxatives at all and have only thrown up maybe 6 times in the past year (Yay). I went through a super healthy and exercise freak phase the summer after, however my depression has gotten so much worse, and now my b/p has turned into restricting.  You overcome one thing and you get hit with two more things.
I will post more this week ❤

My purging has gotten vicious.

I hate when I have horrible binge//purge cycles.  I have eaten almost all the food I have (with exception of a few cans of beans and condiments such as ketchup and mustard).  Not buying anything until Saturday evening, in attempts to curb my binges, because this has got to stop. Not exactly fasting, just going to be consuming absolute zero energy drinks, as well as some non-fat vanilla yogurt; also thinking of maybe doing an 8 day juice/tea detox to help relax/slightly heal my body after all the bingeing and constant purging (yes, this would mean I would not take laxatives for the duration of the fast).   Not sure if I'll do it yet, but I'm considering it.  

On the other hand, I am not sure whether to be pleased with my laxative abuse or terrified at how much I have been taking lately.  A bit TMI, but for the last two days I have been going to the point where nothing, but these "sediments" come out; which I read means there's nothing more in the intestines to push out.   Bad part of this is that when one increases an already abnormal number of laxatives to take daily, you find yourself in more pain than previously.  And I mean stabbing, sharp, shooting, give you goosebumps sort of pain and the worse is when I get them at work. On the topic of laxatives I found this box at the pharmacy that says "purgative", it's about $17, and it says it's specifically for those doing a colonoscopy or intestinal x-ray/something else.   I think I may buy it on Friday and use it since I don't work on Saturday (hopefully my roommate is not back/home on the Saturday, because I feel like I will be in the bathroom ALL DAY).

Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Take 10 laxatives. Curl up in pain. Binge. Throw up till your throat is raw. Fast. Binge. Purge. Get headache and aches and pain from all the purging. Binge. Hate yourself. Purge. Purge. Purge. Purge till you see blood.  Purge till you see stars. Take more laxatives.  Stuffle the groans of pain in your pillow, as your body twists and turns from pain that feels like knives twisting your intestines this way and that.  Eat a tub of ice cream.  Throw up.  Cry. Binge. Purge. Binge.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I hate myself.  I hate these last few days.   I hate these last 4 years of this.

It's too fucking much.

Back in full swing, in all the wrong ways.

I ate two slices of pizza during my lunch at work and went to the bathroom and threw them up (or at least one and a bit).  Stayed there for awhile and came back into the lunchroom saying I thought something was in my eye; I hid my right hand as the index fingers knuckle was bright red, and I got one of the supervisors looking in the direction of my hand (placed on my lap), but I'm not worried, because it really is no one's business.  I'm throwing up and taking so many more laxatives and I'm going to be working till Friday (I will be working 9 days in a row), and by working a lot I can help with my financial stress/help me pay for when I go on vacation with a friend in July; also it takes my mind off of things and I tend to not binge/not binge a lot when I work.  My eyes also look really weird; kinda dull and greyish white where it should just be white.

 Gained 5lbs while visiting my parents, and let us say I was less then impressed with myself; I've become extremely pudgy over these last few months.