Cleaning, snow and being sleeping beauty.

So I finally took off the duvet and pillow covers (about time I washed them) and put on a fresh mattress cover, took out the garbage and today after my lecture I will proceed to continue cleaning my room. My enthusiasm to get my room to a pristine condition may be mostly in part to the fact that I think I found [and killed] a cockroach.   Which scares the living daylights out of me and I looked in the corners (where there are holes in the wall - it's an old building), but I don't see any cockroach poop droppings and so my fear brings me to the bottom of my closet because that's where all the drain pipes from the bathroom are located.  I am just hoping and praying that I have no cockroaches in my room and that they came from another part of my apartment.  

Secondly,  I have been sleeping A LOT.  Like holy crap, I think I may be turning into a hibernating bear, although a sleeping beauty reference sounds much more appealing.  I wake up, go to my lecture(s), come back and take a 2 - 3 hour nap, be awake for a few more hours then proceed to going back to sleep.  I am thinking this is either due to my anemia (which I haven't been taking my iron pills for) or to stress/depression.   And I'm also very lethargic; I am a turtle, a hibernating turtle.

why do I do this to myself?

sometimes I ask myself that question and the only answer I can come up with is that I just really, really dislike myself.  The funny thing is, if someone asked me what I disliked/hated about myself I wouldn't really have an answer - I kinda would, but it wouldn't be concrete. 

Other times I just feel like I don't have a problem, and that it's all in my head and I'm over-analyzing my situation.  Like these past few days I just cannot seem to understand that I have a problem: sure I take over 6 laxatives everyday, and self harm sometimes and go through months of throwing and starve myself sometimes, but it doesn't seem like a big deal.  I feel like I'm being a baby over this by thinking I may have a problem.  

On an upper note my little brother recieved my birthday present that I bought him off redbubble ♥
It's a children's Pikkalink shirt :"] I bought the size 10 and it fits him perfect with room to spare.
 He was so happy that when I was skyping my mom today before work he was walking around in the background making sure I saw he was wearing the shirt ♥   I honest to God love my siblings so so much.  I do not know what I'd do without them, they are everything to me and they're the ones I think of when I'm at my worst.  

I'm also thinking that once this semester is over I'm going to buy myself a canvas and start painting again, because I feel like when I paint it helps me somehow.

And yet sometimes I like to imagine that my sadness can turn into something beautiful - I do try to be optimistic.

sorry for not updating

I got sick last week (like fever and all) and it was the beginning of new classes so I sort of didn't update in awhile. 

Firstly I must say my acid reflux must be getting worse or there's something legitimately wrong with my body;  I woke up at 4 am feeling awfully unwell, practically fell out of bed and just sat/laid beside my garbage can heaving and gagging.  The only thing that came out was this green/yellow liquid which I'm guessing was bile and my throat burned so bad (the same intense burn I'd get after intense purging cycles vomiting).  The thing is I am not sick, I got over my cold last week and since last Friday I have felt fine and feel fine now as well. It was odd, not fun and it interrupted my sleep :[

Secondly I have been having frequent "anemia-attacks" - not sure what to call it, but I get terribly nauseous and hot and shaky and feel like I need to lay down.  Even when I lay down it takes a long time for it to pass and it's horrible.  I wonder how long I can keep pretending ?

Lonely

and I have no one else to blame but myself.  I have alienated and distanced myself from a lot of people I met when I first moved here 5 - 6 months ago and am more lonely than ever :[  
However this post won't be so depressing like usual cause I have fun things to share:

• I got more than expected for my pay on Friday so went out to Forever 21 and bought myself a knit sweater (it was on sale for $13, normally $29, and was also 50% off so I payed like 6.50 for it!);  a red Marvel, sleeveless shirt (bought it in a medium so it goes just past my butt for $15.80);  these cute retro earrings for $4.80;  super, super, super cute striped headband with bow on it and 2 bottles of nail polish (sparkly mint colour and see-through blue sparkles).  ♥  decided to spoil myself a bit since I haven't been out in months,  had a tough last semester, worked a lot and because I did well in my classes :"] 

The earrings I bought ♥

• I started working out again; forgot how good the burn feels.  
• I got tipsy drunk off 3 coolers last night while dancing around my room to songs off youtube (namely ABBA), cause I'm a loner and have no one to go out with on a Friday night.  Ok honestly I had fun last night, despite being by myself and it kinda being pathetic getting drunk alone: it was fun.  And I got exercise as well ;] Only bad thing is I get very sad and self destructive at a certain point (I think it's the part when I'm drunk, but am slowly sobering up?).

• Despite my bad binges I have managed not to gain weight (perhaps it's because I still abuse laxatives...)
• My bunny and I have become closer :"} I think? it's hard to tell with rabbits -_-' 

Oh and facemask time today :] 

Food and my fat self

So I was planning on doing a fast today, but as life would have it I ended up going to a thai fast food place in the food court.  Their portion sizes are pretty big, but I ate maybe 1/5th of the food before something clicked in my head and I thought to myself "what the hell am I doing?" and  stopped. I managed to stop myself from eating delicious (and their food is honestly sooo good) food that I paid $12 for.  Money down the drain, but hey at least I didn't do what I normally do (which is eat almost all of it because I already broke my fast and paid for it, but nope I'm in control now). I am so happy because even though my fast was broken, I only ate a bit.  I also took 2 laxatives this morning and 3 right after I ate a bit of the thai food which calmed me down and made me feel back in control.  Hmm ya :] I got this.
After leaving the food court I made my way to the shoppers drug mart (or pharmaprix as it's called in Quebec) and bought another box of 30 laxatives and I noticed that this fibre/laxative drink powder was on sale so bought it as well. I swear the people at pharmaprix must think I have serious constipation problems    
 -_-' .

Oh and not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but I was feeling extremely self destructive last week and bruised up my right hip pretty good, as well as my left shoulder; the hip is all purple, blue and turning green in some spots.  I never cease to surprise myself with what I do.

 A close up of my bruise, although this was taken 2 days ago and now it's a deeper purple colour.

And down the rabbit hole I go.

I have been feeling sicker and sicker.  By that I mean my stomach pains and these "colics" are more frequent; I think it's indigestion, because I always get these acute severe pains after eating a lot. I did end up buying these vegetable capsule things that help your digestion (called Digestaction; supposed to help eliminate bloating, gas, indigestion and help boost a slow metabolism), but I don't think it's been working particularly well.   The weird thing about these "colics" I seem to be getting is that the pain subsides a lot when I lay or recline on my back (it usually takes a minimum of 30 min of laying down on my back for me to be okay to sit up and stand up).

Another thing: fluorescent lights - the ones found in most stores - really make me look super washed out pale.  I caught my reflection in a mirror yesterday as I was working at my job and realized how bad my complexion actually looked (no wonder everyone always asks if I'm okay and always points out how pale I am, cause those lights make me look scary shitty).   And as I'm typing this I am forcing myself to drink at least a cup of water (slowly of course), as I feel so nauseous, unwell and I feel like my blood pressure is low.  Cracked open my window a bit too, and the cold frigid air is doing me some good.

Ughh... that's how I feel most of the time.  Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I dislike myself so much?

Too late for questions cause I went down the rabbit hole long  

ago and my curiosity keeps taking  me further into "wonderland"

If you can call it that

My days are spent sitting in bed on my butt.

I cannot wait for university to resume again.  I have spent the majority of the last 5 days in bed watching Miss Marple and Harry Potter  and knitting all the while I somehow miraculously managed to lose the 4 lbs I put on while at my parents house over Christmas (well I do eat comparatively less here than when I am back in my hometown).

Took this sweater from my brother when I was over at my parents house.  tee hee hee heee >:]

Also my family doctor called my house (my parents house - cause that's my permanent address) and no surprise - slightly anemic the test results say again.
But the sickest part about this whole little life of mine that I'm acting out is that I lie about almost everything. I just don't take my iron pills, I don't take my vitamins, I don't take my b12, I don't take my 1600 calories a day, but do I take my laxatives.  I smile, I nod, I empty the bottles, and if it's at my parents house I put the pills in my mouth but never actually swallow.  Simply put I don't want to get better, I want to get worse, I want to be this small, sickly looking girl.  I don't know why, I just do.

Crank