No one really understands

how much hate and anger and bitterness and all dark feelings a person can harbour within themselves until they themselves harbour such feelings.   The amount of hate I have for myself, for the person I was/am, for my past is so vast that I cannot handle it.  It is so great, this hate and darkness I have within me, that I am constantly trying to run away from it; run away from myself.  Last year I moved to a big city 2 hours away from my hometown, changed my name slightly, didn't know anyone, but that wasn't enough. The big city did help drown me in a sea of people, but it also got me wrapped up in all the partying and made me realize how lonely I actually am.  I was also still too close to my hometown, too close to my past and the person I hated most, myself, was still there. My true self, the habits I hate, the things that I sometimes realize were embarrassing  the things I said all popped out from time to time.   I moved this year to a city 9 - 10 hours away from my hometown; no one knows me there, the city is big but friendly in a kind way and I had all last year to master hiding my true self away.  The program at the university is something I greatly enjoy, and working  a lot to pay the bills is hard, but does take my mind off things sometimes. I cannot wait to finish university and move to Europe - I'll be so far away and perhaps I'll finally be a bit at peace.  I remember two summers ago I went to Europe to visit family for 2 months and it was great.  No one knew me, no one knew my past, no one knew what kind of person I was and I was so far away from "home" it felt like it wasn't part of me anymore.  The moment I met up with friends from Canada in Spain for a week - all these emotions, frustrations and anger came back to me - like a train in full speed.  I realized once again how unhappy I was with my life and how much I wanted to start my life over again, from scratch and how everything associated with my past and  real life brought me pain.  Oh how much I wanted to run away from it all.  When I landed in Canada I cried in the car ride back from the airport, my dad was driving and he didn't know why I was crying.  I was crying because I hated myself so much that everything that was ever associated with me brought those feelings back and because I realized for the 100th time how miserable and sad and unhappy I was with myself.
I came back - present time- to my parents for the holidays and even though I am only here for 10 days each day my frustration grows and each day I just want to scream, cry and just run and keep running. I cannot pretend to be someone else in this house, in this town, but when I'm far away, on my own I can pretend to be anyone I want to and I can forget some of the pain.

I hate myself.  I hate myself so much that I don't even know if there's any room to love again.

Blaaahhh

just having a rough day and my stomach is a total mess. Every time I eat I feel nauseous and sick, but I also feel hungry and I gained like 4 lbs since I came to my parents house for Christmas  break = a total mess inside of me cause the last thing I want/need is for me to get fatter than I already am.
Everything has been pissing me off and I honestly do such a swell job at controlling myself and am just a marvelous actress.  It's like I'm leading a double life:
Caring, compassionate, fun, positive, all smiles and patient friend to the world and unexplainable, lost, sad, lonely, pissed, angry, insecure, self wrecking, low self esteem, push over and introvert in reality [that no one knows about].

I suck.  end of story.  bye.

Also this is a most recent picture of me; my hand is oddly placed on my chin because of a horrid pimple that I had to cover somehow.  Also you can't really see but the veins around my eyes (like under neath my eyes) are becoming more visible.  I quite like that look.  

I feel so worthless and ugly

I do.  I feel like no one wants me or needs me and realized how alone I actual am.  I hate this, I hate my situation, but mostly I just hate myself.  A lot.

Holiday [vegan] baking ♥ and doctors appointment ...

Made some vegan english toffee squares and gooey butterscotch cookies ♥ yumm ;]
Then I'm going to visit my friend in the hospital today again (the one with anorexia), I saw her on thursday as well and I realised I missed her so much more than I thought (I almost cried; we both teared up).  The hospital sucks though - the mental health section of it anyways.  They honest to goodness graciousness have no plan, no freaking recovery plan at all! Like she sees a psychiatrists maybe once a week or every two weeks and she's been to art therapy once in the whole 2.5 months she's been there and that's it.  She just sits in her bed or wheelchair (cause they don't let her walk) and knits or reads or watches approved movies.  They're only goal is to get her to 75% of her body weight and that's all and I am so mad because they're not doing they're job.  I'm not a psychiatrist or therapist but I would do a damn better job and actually try and help in the mental part of the recovery - like I am sooo mad it can't be put in words.  She's my sister (not blood related but we've been childhood friends since her birth) and I feel protective over her and I just want to scream at everyone in that part of the hospital.   She'll be out soon though, probably in the next 2 weeks, she's just waiting for her pediatrician to get back from holidays (cause she's only 17) and she's almost at 75% (74. something right now) so crossing my fingers :] ♥   Also please pray for her recovery and if you're an atheist please send good thoughts and luck her way.

As for my doctors appointment today - I have to get more blood tests done and give in a poop sample - oh joy!  I'm just nervous they may find out about the laxatives, but I went on yahoo answers and a "physician" told me they'd have to order special tests for it and it's only done if a person gets hospitalised a lot for dehydration or if they faint a lot... so we'll see.

uhhh cleaned up my room and discovered I'm a bit of a disgusting creature.

so that pot full of tofu and rice that I think I left for a week or so? I opened it, slammed it shut and threw it (along with the pot) into the garbage.  I wanted to barf; there was mold, mold everywhere.
oh but my room is a lot cleaner, you can see my floor and I finally found my ipod :] couldn't hold back taking some selfies as it has much better quality than my web cam.

So this is me ^ I find whenever I take some self photos they always make me appear like I'm 12 or 13  - but I swear I'm a second year uni student! ohh and this is the shirt I'm wearing on the plane and bus ride home today :] it was on sale in september at forever 21: $4.99 such a good price and it's comfy and hides my fat.

I probably won't update until this evening, if I have time.  Also eaten only 1 yam since Sunday and had coffee and laxatives - making myself empty so I have room (and less guilt) to eat my fave potatoes ♥

snaskjfnsighnbvmgsdghiurhgjnhkjdbh;cghjfdkghlzg

I think my title to this post is quite original and is really, truly profound (I hope my sarcasm was detected).
Tired; I'm going to go to bed after I post this and will just wake up earlier to study. My last exam is tomorrow :] also my bunny is getting picked up by the pet sitter tomorrow </3 he'll be gone for 13 days ... my baby :[ but she volunteers at a shelter specialising in small animals, has a room especially for when she sits pets and has medication just in case they get sick so she seems trustworthy enough to leave my mumus wumus with.

After my exam I am doing laundry, washing my dishes, sweeping and generally cleaning out my room while rocking out to ABBA - my current musical obsession. Then I'm watching the rest of the Incredibles (if my internet decides to work properly) teehee  ^_^ I like movies ♥

And then on tuesday I am going to go to the gym and work out (first time in like a month, but I'm such an unmotivated person -_- ) and making sure everything's packed and cleaning out my bunnies cage and probably not going to sleep at all because on wednesday morning I'm flying home ♥♥♥ Beyond excited :"} ahhhhhhhhhhhh finally going to see my family and childhood friends in like 5 months - although I enjoy being independent and going out into the world, you do tend to get a bit of a longing for your family and friends. Also my mom makes the best potatoes (like sliced up and baked in a bit of olive oil with spices, carrots, onions, garlic and apples = absolutely delicious ♥) and they're very filling so I don't need to eat a lot of it.   And I'll finally see my baby #1 - my dog ♥  I miss him soooo sooooo soooooooooo much.  My puppy, my doggie woggie, my little wittle animal soul mate.  Honestly though, we are soo alike and we'd always get mad at each other and cuddle, and just generally be awesomely lazy together ♥. Also I think I've used too many ♥'s in this post - looks overly cheesy and corny - corny cheese......I need sleep, cause here I am rambling on about things.

self control? it's back in the game :]

instead of going out to the store and needlessly spending my money on sugar filled liquids aka juice I simply drank a cup of water ♥

I want to lose another 4 - 5 lbs in the next 6 days so I can look fab for the Christmas dinner my youth group back home is hosting :]

Also I wrote 3 full pages of a letter for my friend who is actually in the hospital for anorexia (she's been in there for over 2 months now).   When she first started dropping weight dramatically there was this sort of jealousy in me.  I did not want it there, but it was there; she was so small, so frail and I was still this big cow.  But now that feeling is gone and my love for her is back to the fullest.  She's one of my two best childhood friends and we all grew up as sisters basically.   Obviously I haven't seen her yet since I'm still up here in Montréal until Wednesday, but I wrote her a letter that I hope will sort of get through to her (she doesn't know I suffer from purging and she will not find out, nobody will).   She pretends she's doing better and has gained back 30 lbs (she needs to gain another 15 to be released - her body weight was so low her heart was giving out), but my other childhood best friend (let's call her G) tells me that M (the one in the hospital) told her she gets up early to exercise and manages to sneak her way on scales and find out how much she weighs (but the hospital is kind of weird in the sense that they will not allow her to get even the slightest exercise; i.e. she's not even allowed to walk, they told her she has to use a wheelchair to get around).
I miss her a terrible bunch, and I really, really, really hope my letter clicks a bit with her.  She's such a beautiful, beautiful girl and she's younger than me by a few years and this was supposed to be her last year of high school.  Please pray for her recovery, because I really want her to go back to being that happy, un- obsessed girl who would eat junk food and complain about how diets are too hard and how food is good.  I want her to be back to be the healthy (and she was not overweight at all) girl she once was.  I really need her to recover, because I know how an ed can consume you and twist you and your life and I don't want her to have to spend the rest of her life living like that.  I honestly love her like my own sister, and in the letter at one point I told her "I love you like a sister and a sister cannot lose her sister. Remember this."
This is why when I go see her in a week, I'm going to layer myself a lot and rosy my cheeks up, because I DON'T want her to notice I lost weight - I'd rather look like a gigantic whale and have her believe I put on weight than her see I lost weight.  (although I most definitely hope other people notice my weight loss, but I have to keep it away from her - I just don't want to trigger her).  Sometimes I am a giant hypocrite, but sometimes to protect the ones you love, you need to be.

Random and awkward change of topic (because I suck at transitions sometimes - which happens often when I write papers): my butt has gotten unbelievable flat and looks horrid in dresses.  Doing some squats and butt lifts here and there between studying and getting up to use the bathroom.

I'm going to fail my exams.

I have 2 take home final exams due tomorrow/today and I'm not even halfway done.   I know that my purging and restricting always cause me to be groggy and always feel foggy headed, but it just feels so hard to write this.  It's sad because I know everything, and I'm writing it, but I feel like I'm pushing through a river against the current.  I just have to keep pushing, but I feel like it won't be the best :[ I'll turn off internet for now so I can at least finish 2 more essay questions on each before I head to the library (I'll catch the earliest bus in like 5 hours - so at like 5am).
Ciao ♥ won't be updating until after my art history exam on Saturday ♥

Headache, exams and running on empty

Because I worked 5 days in a row all in the mornings I couldn't really take my laxatives (I took maybe 3 - 4 a day, I still pooped but it was like once every 2 days...) so I took like 7 yesterday :] and feel nice and empty today ♥  Had 2 coffees and 5 black olives - so proud :"] Tomorrow I'm spending all day at the uni to finish my take home, print it and submit it.  I'll only have coffee, no food and than on Friday I really want to go to the gym before I start studying all day for my art history exam (since today I slept in, did laundry and skyped my mom for an hour - so by the time I got to my uni it was already past 2pm -_- so I only had time to do my take home).

Also took a bunch of selfies today - because procrastination ;[

All my self photos should be titled: My chubby face and I

Test results are in and ....

I have GERD and IBS (and let's not forget my gastritis that was diagnosed in April), oh and abnormally low sodium and slightly anemic - but honestly, nothing to serious so I'm happy :] plus since I have official diagnoses (no one needs to know they are caused by my purging, shhh) no one will really suspect an eating disorder - well no one other than a doctor anyways.

so petite, so lovely - pictures like this make me feel disgusting with myself and my body ;[ 

Doing laundry today, because I haven't done laundry in goodness graciousness knows how long and I had no more socks or undies left......
Then going to go to the library in the afternoon to start and finish my take home finals ;[   really hoping I do well on them. Then it's studying for my art history exam on Saturday - which lord have mercy, because if anyone has ever taken an art history course before you'll know how brutal the exams are - you have to memorize ALL the artworks shown and discussed in class (def over 250 of them - including buildings) the time periods they're from, the artist, the styles, the importance and the place they come from.  I have such bad short term memory so it's non stop studying from tonight to Saturday morning.

Less than a week left before I fly home and my metabolism shut down.

No honestly I think it did :[ even though last week I barely ate and purged almost everything I haven't lost a damn thing.  I think I'm retaining water, so I'm going to try and drink at least 500 ml a day and doing a fast tomorrow until Saturday morning and going to the gym on Wednesday :]  
I worked 9 hours today and I guess that in itself was a good workout (my feet kill, cause I wore boots with a bit of a heel...) and tomorrow I work and after I have to go see my doctor for my ultrasound test results - we'll see what she has to say.   And actually I was half asleep when the office called me on Thursday so I'm not sure if I am supposed to come in at 4:20, 4:30 or 4:45 -_- I'll call tomorrow at lunch to confirm cause I don't want to sit in the waiting room for an hour, also kinda nervous - I mean what if they could somehow tell from the ultrasound that I throw up and abuse laxatives? I mean there's no way for them to figure it out just from that right?  honestly kinda anxious :[   and I'm gonna mention me passing out at work - cause the people at work won't leave me alone about it.......  super annoying, but kinda nice in a way, knowing that people kinda care about you to some extent ♥

Ashley is such a babe ♥ I have always loved the Olsen twins and I really admire the both of them in how they dealt and overcame Ashley's eating disorder.  Both of them are such strong, lovely women - my role models :] Maybe one day I'll be able to get over mine as well.

Thinking, and freezing.

Sitting on the second floor of the Arts building, in my coat and absolutely freezing cold.  The other people here have their coats off and look nice and toasty - not me :[ although this morning the sun shone really bright and warmed up my room and I actually felt warm :] it was nice ♥

So far today, I had 18 oz of a berry soy smoothie today (so like 202 cal, but I'll round it up to 220 cal just to be safe) and I haven't taken any laxatives yet. Trying to take less because yesterday I took  15/16 in total and my butt was not thanking me for it.  Not at all.  So I'm going to take 2 laxatives now and another 4 before bed tonight, and hopefully the smoothie with it's fibers helps as well.   AND I need to start drinking more water, because as much as I hate putting anything into my body (including water) I am barely losing weight and my stomach is bloated, bloated, bloated and water consumption helps reduce bloating so I'll give it a shot.  Also I think I'm going to start consuming more liquids because I think I have been waking up dehydrated these past few days;  today I felt like my legs were so heavy as if I was pushing through water.  Blahhh :"[   Working a 9 h shift tomorrow and then working everyday until tuesday.....long weekend ahead of me.  But on Saturday we're having a work Christmas dinner at a fancy restaurant :] excited! I love social gatherings (also sorry if I repeat things from previous posts, I have a bit of a horrid memory ahaa...) and hopefully they'll have something vegan ♥

Lastly,  grocery shopping today:

• apples
• veggie pita 
• juice
• cookies (cause Mr Christie has some vegan cookies and they're so good u_u they're my weakness, but they also help me get through binge urges♥)
• can of tomato soup

oh great quick soup recipe!  get a can of some thick tomato soup and a some instant noodles.  Cook the noodles for 3 minutes in hot water (but don't add seasoning) and add it to the tomato soup = delicious and low cal :] and it's quick to make and cheap (a packet of instant noodles 0.45 a can of tomato soup 1.19 = $1.54 and it makes 3 - 4 portions; just water down the tomato soup a bit cause it is quite thick).

And if your like me, where you are prone to binging on soups I have some advice: get a mug and fill it with soup instead of a bowl, so even if you have 2 portions, you'll have less than 2 bowl portions, but still feel just as full because your eyes are seeing a full portion in the mug (I hope that made some sense).

I feel like a child who needs constant naps.

I honestly feel the need to sleep 6 hours after waking up.  The last few days I have been waking up around noon or 1pm and going back to bed around 6 pm, waking up around 11pm or midnight and then falling asleep again at 5 am .

naps are so nice :"} 

Also woke up about an hour ago and felt extremely weak, drank the rest of my nestea to feel a bit better.  But I must say I'm proud of myself :] I have been  eating very, very little these past few days! Yesterday I only ate 6 pieces of veggie sushi (so about 2/3rds of the tray) and that was all, and the day before I ate a bite of bread :] ahh so happy! However my body is less so, and I have taken oh so many laxatives - most of the last 2 days I have been passing water, or at least it looks like water. But my stomach is still there, as big as always and I have been fluctuating only 2 pounds...
I wanna go to the gym, but I am so tired and weak all the time ;[  (actually I'm just a really lazy person).

If I could get smaller, perhaps I'd disappear, perhaps all my problems would disappear. At least that's what I'd like to believe some days. 

I have been awake for about an hour now (it's past midnight) but I'm still groggy and tired so I may have another pickle and go back to bed.

ugghh I may have over did it ....

so last night I felt like I was going to pass out while laying down (weird I know), but felt a bit better by morning.  I went to work (and got bombarded with the same question by everyone "are you okay?" ) and I must of still looked like shit cause every time one of the managers passed by the fitting room they'd ask me if I feel okay and one coworker asked me if I was okay cause I still looked pale and faint and told me "You need to eat" but I did eat yesterday and today - maybe my weight loss is noticeable?   And my manager even followed me into the warehouse after closing when I was putting the garbage away - he pretended he was looking at some stuff there, but he was headed to cash until he saw me go in the warehouse - I think they just don't want me passing out anywhere ....
Anyways I took 6 laxatives today, but I feel like I did last night and am getting the same feelings I used to get when I first started abusing laxatives (at the beginning it was terribly unbearable when I took laxatives), but I've been taking anywhere from 8 - 15 on a normal day so why should 6 make me feel so bad and on top of that I feel super weird.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Never mind I feel better: went to the bathroom, had a movement and feel a lot better.  My stomach feels like shit though, it keeps grumbling and hurting even though I'm eating cookies.
But I do feel like it may be my blood pressure that's causing me to feel this way last night and tonight ;[ just glad I don't work tomorrow.  I may try and go to Sunday service depending on how I feel when I get up, also my lower back and pelvic area pain has been getting super constant and intense.  I feel so weak, tired and just worn down that I can't even plan ahead for anything, I can only take it day by day.  I don't even feel like going out and drinking or going to the movies or doing anything fun.  I just want to stay home and snuggle in my covers and try to make my aching body feel a bit better between my multiple bowel movements a day.

I have this bad feeling my body may finally be really giving up on me, it may actually be screaming at me telling me to stop; the sad part is that I don't care.  If anything I'm a bit happy in a sick twisted way that the ending may be nearing.  My battle with this may soon be over, my body may stop aching forever - no more interrupted nights, no more pounding, irregular or flip flopping heart beats, simply no more pain.

Ha if only.

Marvelous: I passed out at work. Bravo....

I have never actually passed out before and today I did - at work.... I felt crummy, heart doing it’s rapid but weak pounding in my chest, felt a bit weak - the usual.  Well 3 and a bit hours into my shift I began feeling unbearably hot and everything got so blurry, I felt so helpless and horrible but the customer told me to sit down and take my scarf off (because she says she gets blurry vision/fainting a lot) so I sit for like 8 seconds, apologize get up (but I couldn’t really hear anything) and I got up and everything went blurry and I kept saying “you said debit right? sorry, wait a sec sorry?” cause I couldn’t see anything for the sake of me and next thing I know I was on the ground.   One of my managers thinks it has to do with my heart they made me sit down and called the ambulance but after an hour of waiting we cancelled the ambulance because by then I felt better and I just went home (they did ask me to call once I got back cause I live on my own and had no one to pick me up).  kinda freaky - also another supervisor said that the tone of my skin on my face was a bit yellow, almost like jaundice.  They also asked me if I took any drugs, they seemed really concerned and were like "______, it would just be between us, it wouldn't affect your position with the company, but do you take anything? like drugs?" which probably meant I looked shittier than I thought I did and apparently I was also shaking really bad, which I didn't think I was shaking too much.  I work tomorrow, and I really, really, really hope I'm not on cash and that I don't pass out.  It was embarrassing, and freaky Oh and I had some veggie sushi in the employees lunchroom before my shift so they don't suspect not eating or anything like that. When I got home I took 6 laxatives skyped my mom (no way I'd tell her I passed out - she'd freak out), plus she kept going on and on and on how my face has slimmed down and how I should make myself something proper to eat, take care of myself etc. Then I did grocery shopping and afterwards I had 2 bites of bread, 4 cookies, 3 gulps of fruit punch, threw it up and took one more laxative and finally a nice, hot, relaxing shower.   

But going back to me passing out - so weird since I did eat 3 hours prior and I ate a lot the last 2-3 days (I did purge everything through laxatives, but I ate 3 hours before passing out so like what?)

Just a weird day, and I don't like getting pity - makes you feel like something broken, kinda.  u_u I just really hope it doesn't happen again, but it probably will , just hopefully not at work again (can you imagine? 2 days in a row? ).  

All I want to do is get all snuggly and go to bed ♥ 

   

Wilting away. I die, and then breath and die once more.

I'm like a plant.  I wilt in winter. It's actually quite sad.  Actually I am probably more like a tropical plant, because even when spring time comes around I find it hard to bloom again.

Very few people know what this feels like; never fully living.   Everyday is a struggle against yourself, a struggle to keep living and to stop yourself from killing yourself.  It's tiring getting up everyday, telling yourself it's okay and you're going to make it.  Pushing yourself everyday to keep living, pushing yourself to do the small things like shower, do the laundry, wash the dishes, pick the clothes up from your floor and so on.  Sometimes I'll have weeks where I'm plagued with suicidal thoughts that are so strong I honestly don't know what to do with myself.  I sit on my bed wanting to scream, to crawl out of my skin; I just sit and shake and sometimes cry.  Other times I feel better, in the sense that I don't feel suicidal all the time, maybe once during the week or once in two weeks.  Those weeks are nice,  I feel like my battle is a bit less tense and that I have a tiny bit of space.  A clutter of space, but some space nonetheless.  Those weeks are nice, but still hard, by the end of the day I always feel terribly lonely and sadder than I was when I woke up.  I feel overwhelmed, disgusted with myself and just never know what to do with myself.  It's a bit sad how days like that I consider my better days.

Today, after class I am finally going to do my laundry, because I ran out of underwear and socks to wear (actually I ran out 2 days ago - I have been going commando since then).   I'm going to wash my dishes (again), finally put on my sheet that goes over my mattress, and I'll try really hard to exercise a bit today and I'll try not to think of all the bills I have to pay.  Also, I've been finding stairs harder, and harder to climb - my heart always feels like a ball bouncing off a wall and I'm so out of breath after just 2 flights of stairs it's ridiculous,  and I've been getting this headache right above my eyebrows and now it's spread to my eyes (like behind my eyes - which I think is because I need glasses).

See, I complain a lot - I am such a selfish, horrid person when it comes to my thoughts.  Honestly, I have a roof over my head which some people don't have, I always complain, and I'm a hypocrite.  But I try, I really do try to be a good person.







Fuck everything.

Snow

Snow.  I strongly, strongly dislike winter and snow. I really, really, really dislike it :[ I am honestly such a summer person;  I need the sun, I need the beach, the soft summer air tousling through my hair, the warm grass under my bare feet, the plants all in bloom making everything green.  I need life.  In winter everything is dead. 

Also my bad binge yesterday (which ended up with me throwing up in the public bathrooms - but I gave no fucks about what other people may have thought cause for all they know I might have the flu or a gallbladder infection etc), translated into a bad binge today.  Basically I woke up and checked my e-mail from which I found out my first class of the day (which is actually an afternoon class) was cancelled.  Hooray, stayed in bed and watched Brother Bear 2 and Muhammed the Last Prophet (actually a very educational movie - I learned a bit about a different religion :] ), made spaghetti - ate it all, took a shower, drank the rest of my lemonade and made more spaghetti and ate a falafel sandwich before my evening lecture (in which I am currently in - only a review today, so I may leave halfway through).  So my plans for the evening are: watch the rest of The girl who leapt through time and then The place promised in our early days while eating 2 - 3 servings of spaghetti.....ughhh sometimes I disgust myself more than usual and today has been one of those days. 

Tomorrow however I have decided is a new day - new beginning for my Christmas weight loss :"] exactly 3 weeks before I go home for the holidays! ahh something odd I must mention: I thought my purging via throwing up would swell my face again (but I guess throwing up after 3 - 4 weeks of not throwing up won't really affect me face), but when I skyped my mom today she mentioned how I looked like I had lost weight - especially in my face (and I honestly don't see my face as getting thinner - in pictures and in the mirror I see it as big and fat) and how pale and white I have become - which is not a surprise since I dislike the cold weather and avoid going outside.  But she's not suspicious that I'm restricting or anything, she just thinks it's because of the stress of work and school and paying for everything that I just don't have time to properly take care of myself. 

So my plan for the next 3 weeks :

• Juice fast tomorrow, Friday and Saturday.
• Than onto 300 cal max per day 
• Another 3 day juice fast on Dec.16th, 17th and 18th 

Exercise (goodness gracious only knows how lazy I  actually am, but I will try):

• 28 x 3 crunches
• 53 x 2 wall push ups (gotta get that flab on my arms to go away)
• 13 x 2 reverse sit ups
• 23 x 2 squat leg lifts
• 23 x 2 reverse leg lifts
• 18 x 2 side leg raises 
• 28 x 3 butt lifts 

My goal is to do all of these (or at least half of these) exercises everyday.  Now time to get more motivated and less tired - really hard when your always fatigued.........

Also, my stomach pains are getting so much more frequent and worse, like I can't even describe :[ 

First time in over a month.

I threw up (on purpose) for the first time in over a month.  It's funny how some months I will throw up a few times a day and than I can go weeks without throwing up - well I still purge, just only through laxatives.   But I must say I forgot how good it feels to throw up, well it feels horrible to.  It's hard to explain; it's simply very addictive, but your throat feels raw, and the tears stream down your face, but it feels nice to have that automatic relief of emptiness from your stomach and I binged bad today, like to the point where I felt physically sick and so so so full - I haven't had a binge like that in a long time:  a whole can of pringles, a whole bag/package of chocolate cookies, a grande gingerbread latte, a venti passiontea lemonade unsweetened, a bag of deep fried tofu with peanut sauce, stirfried eggplant and peppers with rice [the whole serving which is like a giant take out box - like at least 2 plate servings], 3 fruit punch juice boxes and a falafel sandwich (keep in mind this was all within like 4 - 5 hours).   I'm pretty sure the same security guard at my uni saw me eat the stir fry eggplant meal, my venti passiontea lemonade, the chips and the falafel sandwich - I think he thinks I'm a fat, greedy, gluttonous person.  Oh and on top of that I was wearing like 50 layers of clothing, so I must have appeared more fat than I am :[ (I had my sports bra, undershirt, t-shirt, sweater, fall jacket and winter jacket on top of that - I was really cold so I didn't take any of them off when I was inside the art building eating). ugghhhhhh  bad, bad, bad day.  Took some laxatives and hoping I'll be able to do a juice/water fast tomorrow.

This is me internally, from pain and frustration and desperately wanting to get smaller ;[ 

I'm soo fat, I swear when I come home everyone will be like "what happened? are you going into hibernation because you sure packed on the weight!"  aha jk I doubt anyone would actually say that, but I need to stop binging.  Actually I need to stop eating, cause every time I eat I just feel, like physically feel myself get bigger. I feel the calories sticking to me, and unless I take laxatives they will forever stay in my system and turn to fat.  I know I have to eat, but I just feel like I don't need to eat and if I didn't eat I could stop purging. ahh I am such a contradiction, full of nonsense.But honestly I want to get a reaction from people when I come home for Christmas.  As terrible as it sounds, I want to hear "oh my gosh you lost weight" and "you really must be sick, cause look at you" (most people know I have been having "stomach problems" and getting the recent tests done kinda backs me up hehe :] ).  I'm such a horrid person, no really - after writing my thoughts down and re-reading them I realize how twisted some of my  thoughts are.

Also, my puffy winter coat (the one that actually keeps me warm) is from 3 - 4 years ago when I was really fat and I only ever wore it a few times.  Now when I want to wear it, no matter how many layers I put on underneath, it is clearly to big on me and the style of the coat does not look good if you wear it oversized - just looks like you borrowed it from someone cause you couldn't afford a coat in your size (it's a size L).   So now with the really cold weather I just layer, wearing a sweater over my shirt, my fall jacket and winter jacket on top - I should really buy a proper winter coat, as well as winter boots because my old ones are falling apart. (well right now I have no money, but I'll try and see if my mother will be able to get me new boots for Christmas)

This coat ^ is so cute :] however I doubt it would keep me warm enough -_-



* I wrote this last night, but the internet went off in my apartment for some reason so I had to wait til this morning when I got to my uni's library to post it.

Writing my essay.

It is due in 27 hours, and I have written 2 full pages so far (it needs to be a minimum of 10 full pages, excluding title page and references.   I am not allowing myself to rush, because I know that always leads to a sloppy paper that makes no sense, so I'm going slowly :] and my first 2 pages seem pretty decent, however it sounds more like a philosophical paper than an archaeological research paper.   It was a free topic and the professor approved my topic, but the two major sources I draw on are de Beauvoir and Sartre - both are existentialist philosophers and have nothing to do with the Roman Empire or history.  But everything flows well together, and although it's more philosophy than I would have hoped for I like how my paper is developing.  Hopefully I get a good mark :"{ also my head is just pounding, even though I managed to sleep from 8pm - 8:56 am (but I woke up like 5 times during the night - I don't believe I have ever had an uninterrupted sleep in the last few months). 

 

I'm also having really bad urges (SI urges) ughhhh and this headache is getting worse as I'm typing - on top of that my vision seems to be really weird/off today.  I planned on spending the whole night in the library, but I may just do at least 6 pages and then go  home and take a nap until 3am and finish my paper after.

I honestly feel so fat, ugly, horrid and wrong.

like always I looked in the mirror before stepping into the shower and what did I see? love handles, a pot belly (from the laxative abuse - I think it's my intestines) scars, scars, scars all over the top of my thigh and hips, droopy boobs, pudgy face, damaged hair, giant calves and flabby arms.  Ate a pita with tomato sauce and mushrooms this morning and had a frap from starbucks and for lunch at work I had a passion tea lemonade (but without the syrup - which surprisingly without syrup has 0 calories :]  ) and for supper a cup of noodles sauteed with pickled eggplant, onions and general tao sauce.   ughhh :[ but I took 8 laxatives once I got back home.

I wish so much to be small, and although my clothes are getting looser I'm not really losing any weight and my body sure as hell hasn't changed.

On the note of laxatives: my stomach pains are getting worse and more all over my abdomen, especially down the center and lower sides, and of course the sharp right (and sometimes left) upper abdominal pains I get and worse of all - only really started about a week or so ago - is the pain in my pelvis area.  It honest to goodness graciousness feels like I am on my period, but I'm not and it's horrible.  I am glad though that when I went to get my UGI and ultrasound they actually took the ultrasound of my whole abdomen and kidneys (since I had to pay anyways for 3 or more organs), but the technician did look a little concerned when going in my pelvic area and right kidney :S also turns out the UGI I had done yesterday was different from the one I had done in April.   This one required a shot to relax my stomach muscles and they took xrays (?) standing up and laying down on the table and they had me roll twice so the barium (which I find absolutely atrocious) could coat my stomach properly.  They told me my doctor should have the results of both in 4 days, so I'll probably hear back by Wednesday.

(what a barium swallow/first part of a barium meal (UGI) looks like)

when I had to lie on my stomach I actually saw the monitor and my intestines/kidneys? I think - I saw this oval shape organ - looked like a small balloon

Also I have to write my paper for my Roman Archaeology class due Tuesday evening.  I'll properly start it tomorrow after I come back from work.   It's just so hard being a full-time university student and working 18 - 20 hours a week to support yourself (which barely covers my expenses - living paycheck to paycheck), but others have it worse and at least I can proudly say I actually do live on my own without my parents support and all the decisions I make are solely my decisions.  Also although I do have 5 courses next semester I'm going to probably try and work 20 -25 hours a week in order to live a bit better in terms of payments; I want to start paying off more to be less in debt.   But there's this new tea place opening and I was thinking, since it's not competition with where I currently work (retail) I may try and apply as a tea barista :] I want to try something new and this way I could work 2 -3 shifts at my retail job and 2 shifts at the tea shop! (I like changing things up a bit, and I want new skills) They're both in the same mall and the mall is only an 8 minute walk away from my uni.  Plus I need the extra money, because I'm moving to a new apartment with my coworker in February ♥  excited :"] she said her boyfriend might also move in with us (we'd still get a 2 bedroom but I'd pay a bit less than half  since there would be 3 of us) which I wouldn't mind and we're planning on moving to a location closer downtown (since that's where our uni is).

Also ----------- I need to call the airline and tell them I'm taking a pet with me so I can pay the extra $50 for my bunny ♥ and I need to buy a pet carrier as well :"{ so much money.  Really hoping my mother's friend will be able to give me ride from the airport to my town, cause the train is another expense I really cannot afford.

But this is the one I want to get - and will probably get because it's the right size and has an opening on top :]
That and it looks like a big purse so I won't have a problem with the public transport (ie bus) when I go to the airport (cause I am not getting a taxi, my last resort would be asking my landlord to drive me, but he's not the most reliable and I'd hate to have to ask).

But I'm also not sure if it would arrive in time for when I leave, so I may just have to go to the pet store and buy an overpriced one. 

Blood donation clinic today!

the blood clinic/blood drive came to my university today and I spontaneously decided to donate (since it has been 56 days since I last donated I could).   I was so dizzy after wards (which usually never happens) and I had to sit down in the shower for a bit when I was back at my apartment because I felt like I was going to pass out while showering.  Kinda scary actually, but now after a shower (and after I shaved in what has probably been 3 weeks ) I feel all squeaky clean both on the outside and inside ♥  sitting at the back of the lecture hall writing this because the professor is simply doing a review (yet again) and I know all this in more detail from my archaeology lectures anyways.  But the chairs are comfy, the lights are dimmed and it's a great place to study, write and/or just surf the net.

Super hungry and I am not planning on returning to my apartment until about 2 am since I need to get this essay started - I'll probably buy myself a soy latte or smoothie to give me some energy and fill me up a bit. Feeling really groggy too, probably from no food today, the purging and the blood donation  today -_-  
But! I am determined to lose those 2 lbs for Friday (I think I lost .5 lbs since yesterday morning :] ) so coffee, tea or water only for me - no food :] one time my mother told me people didn't actually need a lot of food to live, they only thought they need 3 meals a day, but really 2 small meals would do.  She also told me I was big boned (more than once) and I took great insult of it, told her she was big boned as well and cried. This is why I am oh so glad I live on my own in a city 9 hours away from my home town (not that I don't miss them, but not all things that you love have a healthy influence on you).

Maybe I should get myself another frappuccino ? maybe not, they have quite a few calories, but then again so do lattes.

I wonder if I'll look skinnier when I get home for Christmas? I wonder if I'll look sicker?  But it's true, all that I am keeping secret is drowning me, causing me to get worse both mentally and physically, but I will keep them secrets.  Keep these secrets to my grave.  

sometimes, all the time, it's too frequent...

this unbearable feeling is too much sometimes.  It's too often with me, all the time, everyday.   I carry it around with me and I don't think it will ever leave.  

I honestly think I should tell someone and get some help, and I was thinking of going to see a counselor at the uni since it's free for students, but than I found out you only get 10 sessions in the whole 3 or 4 years that you attend the university.   I guess I was just meant to deal with this on my own, just like I deal with everything else in my life.  

Bought a bag of airheads and ate them all during my mythology lecture - 470 calories in my body.   Took 4 laxatives so far today, taking another 3 after class so hopefully that's 470 calories out of my body and I know what you're going to say "but laxatives don't cause weight loss because most calories are already absorbed blah, blah, blah" well yeah I know that, but I also highly doubt that as well.  I mean I've gotten to the point where most of the time the stuff that comes out the other end looks more like vomit than poo.  No honestly it's true, I can tell EXACTLY what I ate (plus I never chew properly, so there's like chunks of carrot, and pieces of noodles and spinach and anyone would be able to tell what I ate) and you could honestly mistake it for vomit.   Secondly if it is more like poo it is either yellow or bright green meaning that the bile from my liver barely got digested or didn't get digested at all - including in the small intestine.   Now I don't know exactly how everything functions, and I know that laxatives work on the large intestine, but I'm sure after prolonged abuse other parts of your digestive system get affected.   So yes, most of the weight is probably water weight, but I'm sure I'm also purging a majority of the calories I consume as well (and much needed minerals and vitamins :[ I need to get a multi vitamin to take daily).  

Also had a mini binge yesterday.  Was really upsetting, but I didn't gain anything :]

Plan is to lose 2 lbs by Friday (so I can be a bit smaller than I currently am when I go get my liver ultrasound and UGI done).  Going to do a liquid fast tomorrow and Thursday and a total fast (no liquid, no food) from 8 pm on Thursday - but that's only because I need to do the total fast for my medical tests.  

Ohh! and my work is having a Christmas dinner on the 8th of December :] I am so excited! I haven't gone out/been social in forever and this is a great excuse to go.  Plus because I'm vegan, there will be probably a lot less that I can eat so I won't really have to worry about food.   The 8th is 18 days away (so 2 weeks and 4 days) so I plan on being 10 - 12 lbs lighter ♥
And my absolute goal is to be 20 - 24 lbs lighter by the 19th of December (although I think if I manage to be at least 15 - 17 lbs lighter I'll be happy as well for the time being).

*one thing to note on the plus side: my boobs are a bit smaller, I can know wear sports bras all the time (or just undershirts) teehee :] I know a lot of girls like big boobs, and I have nothing against big/normal boobs - I think they're gorgeous - but me personally I prefer being small chested (just a personal preference, just like some girls like long hair, or big butts or flat butts - it's all a matter of what you like on yourself).     so yay ♥  also means I can find more children's shirts that fit (I have a few "L" aka 11/12 or 12/14 year old sized shirts - they're cheaper and in my home province there's less taxes on childrens clothes :"}  ) 

Plus I like look almost flat chested, especially in girly dresses - makes me feel girly and petite.