this unbearable feeling is too much sometimes. It's too often with me, all the time, everyday. I carry it around with me and I don't think it will ever leave.
I honestly think I should tell someone and get some help, and I was thinking of going to see a counselor at the uni since it's free for students, but than I found out you only get 10 sessions in the whole 3 or 4 years that you attend the university. I guess I was just meant to deal with this on my own, just like I deal with everything else in my life.
Bought a bag of airheads and ate them all during my mythology lecture - 470 calories in my body. Took 4 laxatives so far today, taking another 3 after class so hopefully that's 470 calories out of my body and I know what you're going to say "but laxatives don't cause weight loss because most calories are already absorbed blah, blah, blah" well yeah I know that, but I also highly doubt that as well. I mean I've gotten to the point where most of the time the stuff that comes out the other end looks more like vomit than poo. No honestly it's true, I can tell EXACTLY what I ate (plus I never chew properly, so there's like chunks of carrot, and pieces of noodles and spinach and anyone would be able to tell what I ate) and you could honestly mistake it for vomit. Secondly if it is more like poo it is either yellow or bright green meaning that the bile from my liver barely got digested or didn't get digested at all - including in the small intestine. Now I don't know exactly how everything functions, and I know that laxatives work on the large intestine, but I'm sure after prolonged abuse other parts of your digestive system get affected. So yes, most of the weight is probably water weight, but I'm sure I'm also purging a majority of the calories I consume as well (and much needed minerals and vitamins :[ I need to get a multi vitamin to take daily).
Also had a mini binge yesterday. Was really upsetting, but I didn't gain anything :]
Plan is to lose 2 lbs by Friday (so I can be a bit smaller than I currently am when I go get my liver ultrasound and UGI done). Going to do a liquid fast tomorrow and Thursday and a total fast (no liquid, no food) from 8 pm on Thursday - but that's only because I need to do the total fast for my medical tests.
Ohh! and my work is having a Christmas dinner on the 8th of December :] I am so excited! I haven't gone out/been social in forever and this is a great excuse to go. Plus because I'm vegan, there will be probably a lot less that I can eat so I won't really have to worry about food. The 8th is 18 days away (so 2 weeks and 4 days) so I plan on being 10 - 12 lbs lighter ♥
And my absolute goal is to be 20 - 24 lbs lighter by the 19th of December (although I think if I manage to be at least 15 - 17 lbs lighter I'll be happy as well for the time being).
*one thing to note on the plus side: my boobs are a bit smaller, I can know wear sports bras all the time (or just undershirts) teehee :] I know a lot of girls like big boobs, and I have nothing against big/normal boobs - I think they're gorgeous - but me personally I prefer being small chested (just a personal preference, just like some girls like long hair, or big butts or flat butts - it's all a matter of what you like on yourself). so yay ♥ also means I can find more children's shirts that fit (I have a few "L" aka 11/12 or 12/14 year old sized shirts - they're cheaper and in my home province there's less taxes on childrens clothes :"} )
Plus I like look almost flat chested, especially in girly dresses - makes me feel girly and petite.
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