Marvelous: I passed out at work. Bravo....

I have never actually passed out before and today I did - at work.... I felt crummy, heart doing it’s rapid but weak pounding in my chest, felt a bit weak - the usual.  Well 3 and a bit hours into my shift I began feeling unbearably hot and everything got so blurry, I felt so helpless and horrible but the customer told me to sit down and take my scarf off (because she says she gets blurry vision/fainting a lot) so I sit for like 8 seconds, apologize get up (but I couldn’t really hear anything) and I got up and everything went blurry and I kept saying “you said debit right? sorry, wait a sec sorry?” cause I couldn’t see anything for the sake of me and next thing I know I was on the ground.   One of my managers thinks it has to do with my heart they made me sit down and called the ambulance but after an hour of waiting we cancelled the ambulance because by then I felt better and I just went home (they did ask me to call once I got back cause I live on my own and had no one to pick me up).  kinda freaky - also another supervisor said that the tone of my skin on my face was a bit yellow, almost like jaundice.  They also asked me if I took any drugs, they seemed really concerned and were like "______, it would just be between us, it wouldn't affect your position with the company, but do you take anything? like drugs?" which probably meant I looked shittier than I thought I did and apparently I was also shaking really bad, which I didn't think I was shaking too much.  I work tomorrow, and I really, really, really hope I'm not on cash and that I don't pass out.  It was embarrassing, and freaky Oh and I had some veggie sushi in the employees lunchroom before my shift so they don't suspect not eating or anything like that. When I got home I took 6 laxatives skyped my mom (no way I'd tell her I passed out - she'd freak out), plus she kept going on and on and on how my face has slimmed down and how I should make myself something proper to eat, take care of myself etc. Then I did grocery shopping and afterwards I had 2 bites of bread, 4 cookies, 3 gulps of fruit punch, threw it up and took one more laxative and finally a nice, hot, relaxing shower.   

But going back to me passing out - so weird since I did eat 3 hours prior and I ate a lot the last 2-3 days (I did purge everything through laxatives, but I ate 3 hours before passing out so like what?)

Just a weird day, and I don't like getting pity - makes you feel like something broken, kinda.  u_u I just really hope it doesn't happen again, but it probably will , just hopefully not at work again (can you imagine? 2 days in a row? ).  

All I want to do is get all snuggly and go to bed ♥ 

   

Wilting away. I die, and then breath and die once more.

I'm like a plant.  I wilt in winter. It's actually quite sad.  Actually I am probably more like a tropical plant, because even when spring time comes around I find it hard to bloom again.

Very few people know what this feels like; never fully living.   Everyday is a struggle against yourself, a struggle to keep living and to stop yourself from killing yourself.  It's tiring getting up everyday, telling yourself it's okay and you're going to make it.  Pushing yourself everyday to keep living, pushing yourself to do the small things like shower, do the laundry, wash the dishes, pick the clothes up from your floor and so on.  Sometimes I'll have weeks where I'm plagued with suicidal thoughts that are so strong I honestly don't know what to do with myself.  I sit on my bed wanting to scream, to crawl out of my skin; I just sit and shake and sometimes cry.  Other times I feel better, in the sense that I don't feel suicidal all the time, maybe once during the week or once in two weeks.  Those weeks are nice,  I feel like my battle is a bit less tense and that I have a tiny bit of space.  A clutter of space, but some space nonetheless.  Those weeks are nice, but still hard, by the end of the day I always feel terribly lonely and sadder than I was when I woke up.  I feel overwhelmed, disgusted with myself and just never know what to do with myself.  It's a bit sad how days like that I consider my better days.

Today, after class I am finally going to do my laundry, because I ran out of underwear and socks to wear (actually I ran out 2 days ago - I have been going commando since then).   I'm going to wash my dishes (again), finally put on my sheet that goes over my mattress, and I'll try really hard to exercise a bit today and I'll try not to think of all the bills I have to pay.  Also, I've been finding stairs harder, and harder to climb - my heart always feels like a ball bouncing off a wall and I'm so out of breath after just 2 flights of stairs it's ridiculous,  and I've been getting this headache right above my eyebrows and now it's spread to my eyes (like behind my eyes - which I think is because I need glasses).

See, I complain a lot - I am such a selfish, horrid person when it comes to my thoughts.  Honestly, I have a roof over my head which some people don't have, I always complain, and I'm a hypocrite.  But I try, I really do try to be a good person.







Fuck everything.

Snow

Snow.  I strongly, strongly dislike winter and snow. I really, really, really dislike it :[ I am honestly such a summer person;  I need the sun, I need the beach, the soft summer air tousling through my hair, the warm grass under my bare feet, the plants all in bloom making everything green.  I need life.  In winter everything is dead. 

Also my bad binge yesterday (which ended up with me throwing up in the public bathrooms - but I gave no fucks about what other people may have thought cause for all they know I might have the flu or a gallbladder infection etc), translated into a bad binge today.  Basically I woke up and checked my e-mail from which I found out my first class of the day (which is actually an afternoon class) was cancelled.  Hooray, stayed in bed and watched Brother Bear 2 and Muhammed the Last Prophet (actually a very educational movie - I learned a bit about a different religion :] ), made spaghetti - ate it all, took a shower, drank the rest of my lemonade and made more spaghetti and ate a falafel sandwich before my evening lecture (in which I am currently in - only a review today, so I may leave halfway through).  So my plans for the evening are: watch the rest of The girl who leapt through time and then The place promised in our early days while eating 2 - 3 servings of spaghetti.....ughhh sometimes I disgust myself more than usual and today has been one of those days. 

Tomorrow however I have decided is a new day - new beginning for my Christmas weight loss :"] exactly 3 weeks before I go home for the holidays! ahh something odd I must mention: I thought my purging via throwing up would swell my face again (but I guess throwing up after 3 - 4 weeks of not throwing up won't really affect me face), but when I skyped my mom today she mentioned how I looked like I had lost weight - especially in my face (and I honestly don't see my face as getting thinner - in pictures and in the mirror I see it as big and fat) and how pale and white I have become - which is not a surprise since I dislike the cold weather and avoid going outside.  But she's not suspicious that I'm restricting or anything, she just thinks it's because of the stress of work and school and paying for everything that I just don't have time to properly take care of myself. 

So my plan for the next 3 weeks :

• Juice fast tomorrow, Friday and Saturday.
• Than onto 300 cal max per day 
• Another 3 day juice fast on Dec.16th, 17th and 18th 

Exercise (goodness gracious only knows how lazy I  actually am, but I will try):

• 28 x 3 crunches
• 53 x 2 wall push ups (gotta get that flab on my arms to go away)
• 13 x 2 reverse sit ups
• 23 x 2 squat leg lifts
• 23 x 2 reverse leg lifts
• 18 x 2 side leg raises 
• 28 x 3 butt lifts 

My goal is to do all of these (or at least half of these) exercises everyday.  Now time to get more motivated and less tired - really hard when your always fatigued.........

Also, my stomach pains are getting so much more frequent and worse, like I can't even describe :[ 

First time in over a month.

I threw up (on purpose) for the first time in over a month.  It's funny how some months I will throw up a few times a day and than I can go weeks without throwing up - well I still purge, just only through laxatives.   But I must say I forgot how good it feels to throw up, well it feels horrible to.  It's hard to explain; it's simply very addictive, but your throat feels raw, and the tears stream down your face, but it feels nice to have that automatic relief of emptiness from your stomach and I binged bad today, like to the point where I felt physically sick and so so so full - I haven't had a binge like that in a long time:  a whole can of pringles, a whole bag/package of chocolate cookies, a grande gingerbread latte, a venti passiontea lemonade unsweetened, a bag of deep fried tofu with peanut sauce, stirfried eggplant and peppers with rice [the whole serving which is like a giant take out box - like at least 2 plate servings], 3 fruit punch juice boxes and a falafel sandwich (keep in mind this was all within like 4 - 5 hours).   I'm pretty sure the same security guard at my uni saw me eat the stir fry eggplant meal, my venti passiontea lemonade, the chips and the falafel sandwich - I think he thinks I'm a fat, greedy, gluttonous person.  Oh and on top of that I was wearing like 50 layers of clothing, so I must have appeared more fat than I am :[ (I had my sports bra, undershirt, t-shirt, sweater, fall jacket and winter jacket on top of that - I was really cold so I didn't take any of them off when I was inside the art building eating). ugghhhhhh  bad, bad, bad day.  Took some laxatives and hoping I'll be able to do a juice/water fast tomorrow.

This is me internally, from pain and frustration and desperately wanting to get smaller ;[ 

I'm soo fat, I swear when I come home everyone will be like "what happened? are you going into hibernation because you sure packed on the weight!"  aha jk I doubt anyone would actually say that, but I need to stop binging.  Actually I need to stop eating, cause every time I eat I just feel, like physically feel myself get bigger. I feel the calories sticking to me, and unless I take laxatives they will forever stay in my system and turn to fat.  I know I have to eat, but I just feel like I don't need to eat and if I didn't eat I could stop purging. ahh I am such a contradiction, full of nonsense.But honestly I want to get a reaction from people when I come home for Christmas.  As terrible as it sounds, I want to hear "oh my gosh you lost weight" and "you really must be sick, cause look at you" (most people know I have been having "stomach problems" and getting the recent tests done kinda backs me up hehe :] ).  I'm such a horrid person, no really - after writing my thoughts down and re-reading them I realize how twisted some of my  thoughts are.

Also, my puffy winter coat (the one that actually keeps me warm) is from 3 - 4 years ago when I was really fat and I only ever wore it a few times.  Now when I want to wear it, no matter how many layers I put on underneath, it is clearly to big on me and the style of the coat does not look good if you wear it oversized - just looks like you borrowed it from someone cause you couldn't afford a coat in your size (it's a size L).   So now with the really cold weather I just layer, wearing a sweater over my shirt, my fall jacket and winter jacket on top - I should really buy a proper winter coat, as well as winter boots because my old ones are falling apart. (well right now I have no money, but I'll try and see if my mother will be able to get me new boots for Christmas)

This coat ^ is so cute :] however I doubt it would keep me warm enough -_-



* I wrote this last night, but the internet went off in my apartment for some reason so I had to wait til this morning when I got to my uni's library to post it.

Writing my essay.

It is due in 27 hours, and I have written 2 full pages so far (it needs to be a minimum of 10 full pages, excluding title page and references.   I am not allowing myself to rush, because I know that always leads to a sloppy paper that makes no sense, so I'm going slowly :] and my first 2 pages seem pretty decent, however it sounds more like a philosophical paper than an archaeological research paper.   It was a free topic and the professor approved my topic, but the two major sources I draw on are de Beauvoir and Sartre - both are existentialist philosophers and have nothing to do with the Roman Empire or history.  But everything flows well together, and although it's more philosophy than I would have hoped for I like how my paper is developing.  Hopefully I get a good mark :"{ also my head is just pounding, even though I managed to sleep from 8pm - 8:56 am (but I woke up like 5 times during the night - I don't believe I have ever had an uninterrupted sleep in the last few months). 

 

I'm also having really bad urges (SI urges) ughhhh and this headache is getting worse as I'm typing - on top of that my vision seems to be really weird/off today.  I planned on spending the whole night in the library, but I may just do at least 6 pages and then go  home and take a nap until 3am and finish my paper after.

I honestly feel so fat, ugly, horrid and wrong.

like always I looked in the mirror before stepping into the shower and what did I see? love handles, a pot belly (from the laxative abuse - I think it's my intestines) scars, scars, scars all over the top of my thigh and hips, droopy boobs, pudgy face, damaged hair, giant calves and flabby arms.  Ate a pita with tomato sauce and mushrooms this morning and had a frap from starbucks and for lunch at work I had a passion tea lemonade (but without the syrup - which surprisingly without syrup has 0 calories :]  ) and for supper a cup of noodles sauteed with pickled eggplant, onions and general tao sauce.   ughhh :[ but I took 8 laxatives once I got back home.

I wish so much to be small, and although my clothes are getting looser I'm not really losing any weight and my body sure as hell hasn't changed.

On the note of laxatives: my stomach pains are getting worse and more all over my abdomen, especially down the center and lower sides, and of course the sharp right (and sometimes left) upper abdominal pains I get and worse of all - only really started about a week or so ago - is the pain in my pelvis area.  It honest to goodness graciousness feels like I am on my period, but I'm not and it's horrible.  I am glad though that when I went to get my UGI and ultrasound they actually took the ultrasound of my whole abdomen and kidneys (since I had to pay anyways for 3 or more organs), but the technician did look a little concerned when going in my pelvic area and right kidney :S also turns out the UGI I had done yesterday was different from the one I had done in April.   This one required a shot to relax my stomach muscles and they took xrays (?) standing up and laying down on the table and they had me roll twice so the barium (which I find absolutely atrocious) could coat my stomach properly.  They told me my doctor should have the results of both in 4 days, so I'll probably hear back by Wednesday.

(what a barium swallow/first part of a barium meal (UGI) looks like)

when I had to lie on my stomach I actually saw the monitor and my intestines/kidneys? I think - I saw this oval shape organ - looked like a small balloon

Also I have to write my paper for my Roman Archaeology class due Tuesday evening.  I'll properly start it tomorrow after I come back from work.   It's just so hard being a full-time university student and working 18 - 20 hours a week to support yourself (which barely covers my expenses - living paycheck to paycheck), but others have it worse and at least I can proudly say I actually do live on my own without my parents support and all the decisions I make are solely my decisions.  Also although I do have 5 courses next semester I'm going to probably try and work 20 -25 hours a week in order to live a bit better in terms of payments; I want to start paying off more to be less in debt.   But there's this new tea place opening and I was thinking, since it's not competition with where I currently work (retail) I may try and apply as a tea barista :] I want to try something new and this way I could work 2 -3 shifts at my retail job and 2 shifts at the tea shop! (I like changing things up a bit, and I want new skills) They're both in the same mall and the mall is only an 8 minute walk away from my uni.  Plus I need the extra money, because I'm moving to a new apartment with my coworker in February ♥  excited :"] she said her boyfriend might also move in with us (we'd still get a 2 bedroom but I'd pay a bit less than half  since there would be 3 of us) which I wouldn't mind and we're planning on moving to a location closer downtown (since that's where our uni is).

Also ----------- I need to call the airline and tell them I'm taking a pet with me so I can pay the extra $50 for my bunny ♥ and I need to buy a pet carrier as well :"{ so much money.  Really hoping my mother's friend will be able to give me ride from the airport to my town, cause the train is another expense I really cannot afford.

But this is the one I want to get - and will probably get because it's the right size and has an opening on top :]
That and it looks like a big purse so I won't have a problem with the public transport (ie bus) when I go to the airport (cause I am not getting a taxi, my last resort would be asking my landlord to drive me, but he's not the most reliable and I'd hate to have to ask).

But I'm also not sure if it would arrive in time for when I leave, so I may just have to go to the pet store and buy an overpriced one. 

Blood donation clinic today!

the blood clinic/blood drive came to my university today and I spontaneously decided to donate (since it has been 56 days since I last donated I could).   I was so dizzy after wards (which usually never happens) and I had to sit down in the shower for a bit when I was back at my apartment because I felt like I was going to pass out while showering.  Kinda scary actually, but now after a shower (and after I shaved in what has probably been 3 weeks ) I feel all squeaky clean both on the outside and inside ♥  sitting at the back of the lecture hall writing this because the professor is simply doing a review (yet again) and I know all this in more detail from my archaeology lectures anyways.  But the chairs are comfy, the lights are dimmed and it's a great place to study, write and/or just surf the net.

Super hungry and I am not planning on returning to my apartment until about 2 am since I need to get this essay started - I'll probably buy myself a soy latte or smoothie to give me some energy and fill me up a bit. Feeling really groggy too, probably from no food today, the purging and the blood donation  today -_-  
But! I am determined to lose those 2 lbs for Friday (I think I lost .5 lbs since yesterday morning :] ) so coffee, tea or water only for me - no food :] one time my mother told me people didn't actually need a lot of food to live, they only thought they need 3 meals a day, but really 2 small meals would do.  She also told me I was big boned (more than once) and I took great insult of it, told her she was big boned as well and cried. This is why I am oh so glad I live on my own in a city 9 hours away from my home town (not that I don't miss them, but not all things that you love have a healthy influence on you).

Maybe I should get myself another frappuccino ? maybe not, they have quite a few calories, but then again so do lattes.

I wonder if I'll look skinnier when I get home for Christmas? I wonder if I'll look sicker?  But it's true, all that I am keeping secret is drowning me, causing me to get worse both mentally and physically, but I will keep them secrets.  Keep these secrets to my grave.  

sometimes, all the time, it's too frequent...

this unbearable feeling is too much sometimes.  It's too often with me, all the time, everyday.   I carry it around with me and I don't think it will ever leave.  

I honestly think I should tell someone and get some help, and I was thinking of going to see a counselor at the uni since it's free for students, but than I found out you only get 10 sessions in the whole 3 or 4 years that you attend the university.   I guess I was just meant to deal with this on my own, just like I deal with everything else in my life.  

Bought a bag of airheads and ate them all during my mythology lecture - 470 calories in my body.   Took 4 laxatives so far today, taking another 3 after class so hopefully that's 470 calories out of my body and I know what you're going to say "but laxatives don't cause weight loss because most calories are already absorbed blah, blah, blah" well yeah I know that, but I also highly doubt that as well.  I mean I've gotten to the point where most of the time the stuff that comes out the other end looks more like vomit than poo.  No honestly it's true, I can tell EXACTLY what I ate (plus I never chew properly, so there's like chunks of carrot, and pieces of noodles and spinach and anyone would be able to tell what I ate) and you could honestly mistake it for vomit.   Secondly if it is more like poo it is either yellow or bright green meaning that the bile from my liver barely got digested or didn't get digested at all - including in the small intestine.   Now I don't know exactly how everything functions, and I know that laxatives work on the large intestine, but I'm sure after prolonged abuse other parts of your digestive system get affected.   So yes, most of the weight is probably water weight, but I'm sure I'm also purging a majority of the calories I consume as well (and much needed minerals and vitamins :[ I need to get a multi vitamin to take daily).  

Also had a mini binge yesterday.  Was really upsetting, but I didn't gain anything :]

Plan is to lose 2 lbs by Friday (so I can be a bit smaller than I currently am when I go get my liver ultrasound and UGI done).  Going to do a liquid fast tomorrow and Thursday and a total fast (no liquid, no food) from 8 pm on Thursday - but that's only because I need to do the total fast for my medical tests.  

Ohh! and my work is having a Christmas dinner on the 8th of December :] I am so excited! I haven't gone out/been social in forever and this is a great excuse to go.  Plus because I'm vegan, there will be probably a lot less that I can eat so I won't really have to worry about food.   The 8th is 18 days away (so 2 weeks and 4 days) so I plan on being 10 - 12 lbs lighter ♥
And my absolute goal is to be 20 - 24 lbs lighter by the 19th of December (although I think if I manage to be at least 15 - 17 lbs lighter I'll be happy as well for the time being).

*one thing to note on the plus side: my boobs are a bit smaller, I can know wear sports bras all the time (or just undershirts) teehee :] I know a lot of girls like big boobs, and I have nothing against big/normal boobs - I think they're gorgeous - but me personally I prefer being small chested (just a personal preference, just like some girls like long hair, or big butts or flat butts - it's all a matter of what you like on yourself).     so yay ♥  also means I can find more children's shirts that fit (I have a few "L" aka 11/12 or 12/14 year old sized shirts - they're cheaper and in my home province there's less taxes on childrens clothes :"}  ) 

Plus I like look almost flat chested, especially in girly dresses - makes me feel girly and petite.

fell asleep in the library.

and the security guard woke me up -_- sooo embarrassing....  it's just past 5pm and I woke up at like 11:30 am and had like 8 hours sleep as well.  I am honestly terribly tired all the time, and instead of doing my essay I slept (at least I did a rough note on ideas and arguments in the essay).   I think I'm going to catch the 6 pm bus back to my apartment and take a nap and just work on my essay from home/watch movies during the night (unless the power goes off again in my place, but I don't feel like catching the bus again at night and my bunny is probably lonely without moi </3 ). Oh watched Pocahontas yesterday :} first time I watched it in awhile and I watched the whole thing (sometimes I only watched a part of a movie before deciding I don't want to watch it), may watch Hercules or the Lord of the Rings trilogy ! excited ♥  but first things first: nap time ! (I feel like such a little kid with such low levels of energy and always needing to sleep).

beans, and laxatives, laxatives, laxatives and more laxatives!

“You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

because I am such a lovely person the "I'll try to take less laxatives" yesterday turned into a "take the last 3 laxatives, buy more and take 5 more all before 2pm".  Oh my digestive system is probably ready to kill me (and I'm not sure if that's in the literal sense either...).  Ughhhh  :[ also I'm pretty sure because I'm vegan + my purging that I may have developed some deficencies.  I think the biggest hint is that my vision is getting worse (like black and white videos are hard for me to tell what is what cause it all blurs together and I can't see words from afar), my bones/joints hurt (in my hands and feet and knees) and my muscles, especially in my legs, cramp and hurt all the time plus my back pain, but I've always had bad back pain.  I swear I may look young on the outside, but on the inside I feel like an old lady -_- I wonder how I will feel when/if I actually do grow old or in the next 10 years or the next 5 or however long I'll live.

I also feel like this is by far the worst year for me in terms of purging and the unbearable sad feeling (depression). I just feel like I am losing myself, faster than ever before; losing my sanity and feeling empty and nothing yet overflowing and I just don't know what to do with myself.  I honestly don't know how I can keep living with this, it's so unbearable, but I just keep telling myself "3 more years, just 3 more years of university and than you can move somewhere warm and to Europe and you'll feel better you'll see."  But I don't know if I can hold on for 3 more years.  I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and I've felt like I've hit rock bottom a few times in my life, but I was wrong because I feel like I'm a lot deeper than ever before and I still haven't hit the bottom.  I'm scared that I won't be able to pull myself out and if I hit the bottom this time, it will be disastrous. I'm scared because sometimes, at night, all alone, I'll think of death and dying and after lots of thinking I now know a way that  would be 100% successful.  I'm scared because I'm going insane, but I think if I started painting and drawing again I'd feel a bit better (I drew a bit a few days ago and it helped me vent a bit and calm down a bit).   I guess artistic people (including musicians) are seen as a bit on the crazy side sometimes because when you're crazy art seems to be one of the only ways to help get things out a bit and control them to a certain extent.

When I was 16, I believe, I took a sociology class and also learned about mental illness.  The teacher said that people between like 17 - 22 have the biggest chance of developing schizophrenia and how people with mental illness have a higher chance as well and then she went on to tell us stories about successful young university students having serious mental breakdowns/getting schizophrenia. It scared me so much :[  still scares me.

I guess the only thing that really gets me through is thinking about my little sister (she's 7 years younger than me).  I think about her and how she would feel if I left and how terrible it would be not to have your sister anymore, because a sister is very much needed and I put myself in her shoes and think if I ever lost her I don't think I could go on.  I know my brothers and parents would also be devastated, but honestly it's really me thinking about my sister that helps me get through most nights.


Also, yesterday I wrote how I plateau'd right? well actually I have one of those old fashion scales (no money for a digital one ahahaha) and didn't realize it wasn't at 0 but at 2 so I actually lost 4 lbs in the last week and a half and not 2 lbs. But I ate veggie sushi today so I think I gained back at least 1 lb :[   but I took like 8 laxatives already so maybe the veggie sushi won't cause me to gain weight. I swear if I step on the scale tomorrow morning and I'm not less than today I will cry (in the literal sense).

Elevation and conflicts.

So I almost backed out from going to the community church this morning, but I went and I am so glad I did.  Their services are very different from typical Christian church services and they just touch you so much.   They (the singers) kept saying how they know everyone is going through something in their lives and how we should just close our eyes and think about it and try to push it aside for a few moments and than when the pastor spoke he spoke of inner conflicts we all have within ourselves and how they come to the surface when we're alone and in solitude and that is why we try to escape through work, through internet, through games, through songs and books and parties so we can forget about them.   I almost cried so many times throughout the service - I think I'm going to take Sundays off next semester from my work so I have time for myself and to attend these uplifting services (although it's more like somewhere you go and sing uplifting songs, eat and realize the reality of life and how everyone is struggling and you just feel like you belong in away and that your not alone and you're not okay and that, that is perfectly fine).  

Secondly, my fast never happened :[ I ate half a cup of beans in maple syrup and had a grande java frap from starbucks -_- boooo I have got to stop with Starbucks (because I have no money - using the rest of my credit card to buy my Starbucks drinks = not good at all  AND the syrups they put in their drinks are loaded with calories and bad sugars).   +  only 3 laxatives  so far :] I'm trying to not take as many because my abdominal pains are getting more frequent and worse ahaa....
Also I should really do a fast, because I seem to have plateau'd with my weight and plateau'ing always makes me feel anxious and helpless and have a horribly fat and destined to never be thin train of thought.

On a good note: my pants are starting to get lose around the waist and especially around my butt area and thighs (visibly lose ♥) - which is weird, because like I said I seem to have plateau'd and only lost like 2 lbs in the last week and a half or so :[  it's Starbucks I'm telling you, trying to make me stay fat by plumping me up with syrup (but seriously I have got to stop buying from there).

*note: most images are copied image urls from tumblr

Everything ready to spill, no one to catch it.

I have so much I wish I could say, wish I could get off my chest, but I have no one.  No one who would really listen and try to help, no one I trust enough to tell.
This secret, this life I live that no one know about is honestly such a burden, but in a way I'm happy no one knows because then everyone can go on believing I am that "happy, animal loving, caring girl" and no one wil "tsk tsk look what you've done to yourself" when I keep getting sicker - because no one will know.  No one will suspect.


Also like I mentioned in the previous post: I feel like total crap.  I guess that's because I am.....but in all seriousness all my muscles hurt and I am beyond tired (which is normal, but it gets tiring being tired ahahaha my puns are great), and the pain in my hands keeps getting worse and occurs more often,  and my back is all in knots and it feels like I did over 300 crunches, and I'm lonely and sad and I just need someone.
I just want to sleep, sleep sooo bad and wake up in the springtime when the sun is warming up the earth again and everything is being reborn and maybe then, I too will be reborn and learn to live again.  Live well and proper.   Oh simple dreams, if they could only come true.

Library = essay needs to get done. and I'm anti social :{

So for the first time in like 3 months I don’t work on a Sunday and it’s a girl from my group of friends birthday (I guess my friend as well?) and they’re all going out, but I’ve decided to stay in and go to the library and work on a paper because

a) I honestly don’t feel like being social (I have hung out with them on Halloween for the first time in like over a month - I tend to shut people out of my life which is one of my many crummy qualities, but I'm scared of getting close to people).

b) I feel like shit because of the constant use of laxatives and the recent loss of appetite (my body is probably disliking me more than usual, and my chest feels weird like it does when I go through really bad purging cycles).  

c) I tend to get horrid upper back/shoulder pain when I drink and I just cannot stand the idea of having to get that pain (even though it only lasts about 20 - 30 minutes, it is absolutely unbearable like I cannot describe the feeling.) 

d)  I have no money to spend on drinking (although I have a bunch of coolers I could take with me to pre - drink at my friends and then go home before they hit the clubs/an hour or so after going - but I don't want to wait for the night bus and I just don't feel like only going to get tipsy while  everyone is going to get smammered and whatnot).  

...... I feel like such an anti social person -_- which I am in a way, although most people wouldn't know  it.  At the beginning of the school year, at the beginning of second semester and beginning of summer vacation I tend to party every weekend for a couple of weeks and then get down to studying/working.  I think I'll just go pull an all nighter at the library or maybe just until 1 am cause I want to go to a service of some sort tomorrow since I haven't been anywhere spiritual in awhile and need some lifting (although I should research if there is a buddhist/jainism worship place as I want to learn more about it and it feels like it's more on my level of morals and spirituality).

Also my middle back/kidneys kill today.   Feels like they have been beat up and run over by a truck - which is weird, because I usually only ever have this kind of pain after a night of lots of drinking.   

Lazy, tired and feeling very alone :[

I'm still in the library and totally do not want to get off my butt and leave.  Maybe it's because I know in the library there are other people while at my place I'm basically all alone :[ ahh well I should go back soon anyways and get some groceries on the way home, which by the way I have finally made a grocery list for (takes me forever to pick foods I want to buy and than I always overthink about the choices and whether or not I'm actually gonna eat them, if they're worth the money etc).

Here it is:

• Kale
• 1 onion 
• Carrots 
• A block of frozen spinach (if they have it at the grocery store I'm going to)
• Orange juice
• More packets of crystal light
• Maybe some tofu...depending on how much everything will cost 

I have rice and some pasta at home to add for soup or to have with the sautéed veggies (I still have some eggplant at home as well).  I think it should last me for 2 weeks....hopefully?  oh the joys of living on your own. well at least me paying for everything by myself means my parents don't really have a say in my life. 

Also watched the first episode of sailor moon and it's so cute and funny and exaggerated ♥.  And I must add that sailor moon and her friend are both ubber slender, yet petite and cute and thin and pretty and just ughh thin! 

Also my dash on tumblr was filled with such petite, thin girls ;[  

and I'm feeling really lonely today (and reality is I am alone, almost always) and filled with this deep sad/anxious feeling that is always there and I can never get rid of it.   Some days the feeling is so bad I don't know what to do with myself, and feel like crawling out of my own skin and crying and I just feel like I am breaking down slowly everyday.  

Bucketlist.

I have always said to everyone I know that I'm "young on the outside, but old on the inside" and although I do have hopes and dreams of finding the love of my life and having/adopting children I have always felt like I wasn't meant to live long.  It's just a feeling, but even when I was a kid I'd tell my mom I would definitely not be an old grandma and that I thought I'd live to a max of 50 maybe 60.  But as I have grown older I honestly don't see myself living past 40, maybe it's because I'm slowly killing my body through my purging and laxative abuse and although I have been a relatively healthy child my health has started to decline (most likely due to my behaviours like I said above).  Or maybe it's just because I have this feeling about it.  Silly, I know, to listen to a hunch or feeling but it's always been there and doesn't scare me, or maybe it's just all in my head who knows?

But I have decided to make a bucket list of things I'd like to do in my life, and I realize that somethings cannot always be done, but I would like to try and do most of them in my life - I will also include things I have already done that were on my list of goals.

• visit/swim in a Canadian ocean (north atlantic ocean) 
• visit/swim in a European ocean

• go skinny dipping
• move to Europe (after you finish your bachelors degree)
• try a fruitarian diet for at least a month
• learn about different religions and convert to one (jainism - buddhism?)
• legally change name to the way I'm called 
• spent time in a monastery in India/Mongolia and find inner peace

• volunteer at an orphanage in Africa
• learn Italian 
• learn Greek
• learn Arabic
• go sky gliding 
• find love
• climb a mountain 

• donate one of my kidneys (if they're healthy enough)
• adopt a child 
• have my own child 
• make a whole collection of my artworks
• make a site for my designs (clothing) and sell them 
• start a charity 
• have a love affair/hookup with a woman 
• have a love affair/hookup with an older man 

• make a private sex tape 
• help someone through a though time 
• get all the tattoos I want 
• go on an archaeological dig
• earn my bachelors degree
• help my parents lessen their debt
• grow my hair down to hips
• publish a book
• publish poetry 

• go on a cycling trip somewhere through Africa or Europe 
• stop self harming 
• volunteer at charity events  (ongoing)
• speak up against the unfair conditions that the Aboriginals live in 
• learn more about other cultures
• join in on a sand building contest 
• make a YouTube channel of any sort and update regularly
• find some closure between parents and yourself
• live in a big city 
• create a documentary of some sort
• be proud of my accomplishments
• to always be there for family (especially my siblings)
• go see an opera
• grow a garden
• make a piece of furniture 
• live in a warm country
• overcome my personal problems

I'm sure there's other things I will want to accomplish/will accomplish but this is a bucket list of my dreams and I'd be happy if I got most of them done ♥

Pitas, frappucinos and bloating.

As you can guess from the title I bought myself a veggie pita and a venti java chip frap with soy (and no whip) and I feel extremely full and bloated and disgusting.   I took 3 laxatives right after, and am going to take another 3 - 4 in about 2 hours.
Oh! but I did do some squats this morning when I woke up and it felt so good :] I may leave the library early to go home and do a proper workout and then go to the gym since I feel really motivated today (yay).
Decided I'd fast the rest of the day and continue until Monday (I think I only work Saturday, so I can just lay in bed all day Sunday and be the lazy blob I am).  I wish fasting and me losing weight would reflect in my face ;[ my face is honestly so chubby it saddens me and is one of the biggest reasons I haven't thrown up in over a month now because I don't want my face to be so swollen. Posted some pics of my face below and as you can tell the chubbiness adds to my baby face making me look like a 13/14 year old instead of looking like a university student.

winter, grocery list and paleness

(note: no pictures I post are of me unless I state so, just to clarify)

So when winter and cold weather in general come my way , I tend to avoid going outside at all possible costs.  This results in me getting really, really pale during the winter, and for some reason I quite like becoming all pale and white - for some reason I like that look on me.

Another thing to add: payday today :] but I had to pay bills and had to ask my younger brother back home to transfer over $100 into my account so I'd have enough for next friday to pay for my UGI and liver&gallbladder ultrasound (around $350 all together).  which leaves me $20 ish for groceries for the next 2 weeks, so I have to carefully make a list for groceries.... but I find buying  veggies to come out to be really cheap and since I'm vegan and love making soups I think I'll be fine :] 

Feeling ick.

Had some vegetarian sushi and 1/3 of a végépate wrap.  Saddens me because I was planning on doing a liquid fast and instead I had a mini binge (and please understand that I get this probably doesn't qualify for a mini binge, but for me it does) and to clarify: no I don't count calories, like I'll look at the calories on something, but I don't obsess over it as I can get very into something easily.  A year and a half - two years ago I had a few months where I counted calories in everything, but it became such a big part of my day, consumed my thoughts and became part of my life.  Now I just "summarize" my calories - so let's say I had a smoothie, which I know is around 275 - 290 calories, plus a cookie which I'll give 100 calories to (comparing to other cookies I know calories of) so I put my intake at 390 but I'll add like 100 or 200 calories to make it safe to say I had that amount or less.  Not even sure if that made any sense -_- what I'm trying to say is I always count more calories than I ate just in case something is actually more calories and so that way I'll usually get less calories than the max of that day.
Some days I don't do a max calorie, I'll just have a small meal or snack and not even give two thoughts about the calories.

Getting back on the subject of what I ate; well it made me feel gross and full so I took 5 laxatives and am going to take another 2 before bed tonight.  Laxatives have become a sort of comfort thing for me. You know how some people eat when they're upset? like emotional eater? that is me with laxatives.  If I get really stressed or upset I'll take more than I usually do.  Messed up I know, but it just sort of started becoming a comfort thing without me realizing (I think I realized I use them as a safety thing when I was back at my parents home this summer and got into an argument with my mom.  I got so mad I just poured some laxatives into the palm of my hand and swallowed all of them.). 

Going to go home, drink some crystal light "tea", watch something funny and hopefully have a good nights sleep. 

Tired, cranky and unmotivated

I am so tired.  I wish  I was one of those people who can fall asleep easy and stay asleep for a long time.  My sleep is always interrupted (because of laxatives, but sometimes it's simply my body waking up for no reason), or none existent (some nights I just cannot sleep), and I always wake up after 8 hours or less no matter how tired I may be.  I always wanted to try sleeping pills, but my thoughts scare me sometimes so I don't think I'd trust myself to have a bottle of sleeping pills in my room. I may invest in those pouches of powder you mix with water and they help make you sleepy? (not sure what they're called, but they start with nitro or ni - something).
Also sleeping at night kind of scares me a slight bit.  I don't know why, but after thinking about it for sometime now I have come to realize there is something unsettling in falling asleep at night; yet when the sun starts to rise I can fall asleep a lot more faster and without that dreaded feeling (it's not a very strong feeling, but it does get me a bit anxious sometimes - and  I apologize if I make no sense.  sometimes I just try to sort things out in my head by putting it on paper, but words are sometimes hard to find).

 I have got to start working out more as well.  In the summer time I got motivated enough to workout out almost daily for 3 weeks and actually managed to get a bit of abs and a butt (honestly though my butt is so flat it is embarrassing).  So I have put up a one week challenge for myself to workout daily (so I can get my bum bum back), and after years of doing these "weekly" and "monthly plans" for exercise I have come to realize I need to only write out one week at a time and to write down what I know I can/will do for sure.  I used to always find myself writing out these crazy, long workouts but found I never followed it - on the other hand if you write out short, easy workouts that you know you'll find the time to do, I find you end up doing at least some of it and sometimes do more than you wrote.  It's kinda like the life motto "don't set high expectations because you'll be disappointed, but if you set low expectations you may be surprised."