For the first time in two years

As I was taking the bus to the library today I realized that I wanted to live; for the first time in 2 years I did not want to die; I had no suicidal feelings.  It was absolutely amazing, although I couldn't figure out why I felt this way, where it was coming from; it was just this feeling, this emotion that I wanted to live. Not that I had to live or couldn't die, but that I want to live.  I know it doesn't sound like a big thing, but for me; a person who for the last two years has almost constantly wanted to die; it is a big freakin' deal; it's like a breakthrough and I hope to goodness graciousness it does not leave me.

This the season of moving!

Oh joy! I am in the midst of packing and I am moving in two days and have no internet at the moment so I'm using my university's wifi when I have time to come down; but I probably won't post until about Friday or Thursday.  Moving is so stressful; I don't even know why, but it is just soo overwhelming :[


Also I wore mascara yestereday (saturday).  I have not worn make up in a solid five months and it was soo hard getting all of the mascara off after.

Me before work on saturday with mascara on ~

wowww.

I honestly felt like my blood sugar dropped today when I was in the library and ate a chocolate bar and a pizza pocket thing (2 of them) which just caused me to go to the bathroom and it took about an hour or so before I started feeling less shaky; maybe it's dehydration?  Also I think I have gotten an actual, not going away, hemorrhoid or something;  it is like a swollen vein and it is PAINFUL.  I'll see if it doesn't go away by Monday I'll buy that H Cream they sell in pharmacies ~
I keep telling myself I'll stop with the laxatives, but it never works.  I hate this, I hate it so much.   I spend so much money on laxatives; money I don't.  I'm also getting varicose veins on the back of my knee on my right leg (at least it looks like varicose veins) and it looks absolutely horrid. I just look horrid in general. 

Although I must say I look decent when I take pictures with my ipod in the mornings cause the light makes my skin look soo good ~   if only this was the reality ;[

Me yesterday morning; if only my skin looked this good in reality. 

I also discovered a most wondrous book, unlike any other, just a few moments ago and I will post with pictures later about it as I am squealing with excitement from stumbling upon such a find (although I really must get back to writing my take home exam). 

I think I may put on make up on saturday or sunday, because I haven't worn makeup in about 5 months (and my eyelashes have gotten so thick!); but now that I'm used to make up I really don't wanna put any on, although I should since I look like crap 24/7.

Lastly I want to dye my hair black, but I realize I am way too pale at the moment; or more accurately everyone has been pointing out that I am too pale.  I kinda want to dye it like a bleach blonde mint colour but my hair is way too damaged to go lighter and I cannot find any semi-permanent hair colours that I would want other than black; I feel like if I did dye it black everyone would probably be right....

Sometimes I like my nose (but most of the time I don't). 

 

One last selfie I'm posting, because it would be a waste to not post all the pictures I take while I'm in the library studying...

 

One last thing: I'm thinking of starting a vlog ! I'm just not sure how to post videos on youtube, but once I have them done and up I will link them on here :]

Open your eyes.

I think we all forget how to see; I mean see the world, not our view of the world itself.  You see the world is beautiful, even the ugly bits are beautiful.  Everything intertwines in such a beautiful, sometimes tragic way, but it's all meant to be.   You see, when I look at the people around me, I tend to see things others don't;  I see the beauty in everybody; I see the insecurities in some people and it brings out empathy; I see loneliness in that lady who takes the bus everyday;  I see innocence and love in the child and father walking down the street; I see desperation and a person breaking in the eyes of the homeless girl in the metro and my heartbreaks for her.  I see love, kindness, sadness; I see all of this and it makes me happy and sad all at once.   We must never forget to really look at people, because I could look and see people not as they are, but as my own feelings about them;  I could see that lady on the bus as a cranky, rude, crazy lady, but I don't because that is not her; she is a person, a human going through life and we must never forget that.   We must never forget we all feel and we all fall and each one of us can see something of ourselves in others; we must all care and we must all start to see instead of just look.

Sometimes all a person really needs is a smile or kind look from a stranger.  I know I have.

Free time, exams, summer plans.

Went out and bought myself spf 45 sunscreen even though it's still only about 10 Celsius; I'm weird and I don't want to have a tan face and hands and my body be pale so I'll just all be pale.   Also I realize I won't be in school for the next 4 months because university is out until September and I won't have anything to I need to do outside of work.  I need things to keep me occupied, I need to be constantly doing something or I start to realize how much I hate all this and it just all gets too much.  I may sign up for hot yoga, since I really enjoyed it when I was a teen;  I may also make a plan to start jogging with a friend on weekends.   I'll also visit museums on my days off since admission is free and  the MMFA has really cute places to sit outside/in their sculpture garden, so I may go there to write and draw.  I may also buy myself plexiglass and a new etching knife; I need to start creating again; knitting, sewing, painting, etching, drawing.

Summer 2001; we used to go camping almost every summer.  I really like summer; I really like this photo (I keep it by my bed).

I'm also going to sew myself a skirt to wear to my friends and mine birthday dinner; I made a facebook event page for it, and we're going to go to a bar and grill for dinner and drinks and then out to the bars afterwards (and perhaps have a brunch the following day). I haven't gone out in awhile and my last two birthdays were crap; not one of my 'friends' celebrated them and it just sucked in general, so this year I want it to be different. I'm also really hoping to have sex with one of my friends that night, but I dunno. 

Also have an exam tomorrow; not too nervous just a lot of memorizing and reading to do before 6pm tomorrow, then I have to bust my butt off to write my take home exam due Friday; after Friday my 4 month and a bit summer begins!  Yay and nay. 

Disgusting.

binge, binge, binge and purge, purge, purge
you will never be small and tiny
you fat, ugly girl.
you, the bones and fat and muscles and blood
that cannot even hold her life together
so desperately trying to hold everything together
by the seams
soon enough it will all break open
and all the garbage you've been hiding your whole life
will fall out and kill you
you
fat
ugly
girl

A.L

Self portrait of myself done on paint: chunky, frizzy hair, cheeks that flush a lot.

Bad binge; bad purge.

Last night after I wrote my previous post I went out and bought myself food to binge on; it has truly been a long time since I have actually "binged" (I bought enough food to last a week and binged on 2000 + calories, not fun).   Needless to say I threw most of it up, used a suppository and took 8 laxatives afterwards.  Maybe it was because I haven't purged through throwing up in a long time, but I was just utterly exhausted and completely drained; I had less energy than I did when I pull all nighters; like all I could do was lay in bed and even browsing the net was hard, but after sipping a sugary drink for a bit I started feeling better.  
I also need to start cutting down on refined sugars, because I feel like my levels are a bit erratic; especially at work.  I will tend to get extremely energetic after I eat, even if it's a "healthy" lunch, especially if I took a lot of laxatives the night before and was a bit dehydrated; or I will just become so out of it and cranky for no reason and I try so hard not to show it, but when I do I just play it off on no sleep (there were sooo many times I almost let out a snarky comment to a customer/yelled at my friends who work with me in the fitting room for talking too much or something).  This would make sense because when I was throwing up a lot back in gr.12 I was always cranky and easily cried and got frustrated at home. I must say it was kind of ridiculous sometimes; for ex. my favourite spoon was in the dish  washer and I couldn't use it or the bread we had wasn't the kind I liked and I would try so hard to keep it in, but would end up crying and being rude to everyone in the house; over a SPOON or bread type (or maybe it was just depression, or something else - purging and starving do weird things to your brain).
 I want to believe I am better in control, but I feel like one of these weekends at work I will just snap and that will not be pretty and after I snap and unleash my crankiness I will end up crying and it will all be a horribly, horrible, overdramatic scene; so I try really hard not to let that happen.

A selfie (it's so hard to take good pictures of yourself); been getting more sleep so although still pale I think I look a bit better :3 

 

I also bought a cute flannel plaid shirt at work yesterday :] it was only $15 and fits perfect; it was from the boys (children's) section, that's why it was so cheap and surprisingly fit my boobs perfectly (cause although they are small, they're still there and boys shirts are made with a totally flat chest in mind; so yay! Another plus is my friend from work and I are going to start jogging together after work on the weekends :"] this way I am forced to exercise and have motivation.  

Took this right after I threw up most of my binge; purging is not fun, hurts, your face swells and makes you look and feel like shit.  (Also sorry for bad lighting)

Up and down; parched mouth and dry tongue.

So I've been b/p these last two days and it's been horrible and I took a suppository and 10 laxatives and I kept going to the bathroom; I woke up so dehydrated my tongue was quite literally dry.  I hate b/p cycles, but it's so hard to stop and the worse is that I plan my binges. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting.

I seek things I should not.

I am triggering myself.  Literally, I am going through tumblr finding 'thinspo' and 'fitspo' and self harm pictures and posts and now I just want to cut myself up.   Why do I do this when I'm already low? 
But I had a good day; no sleep, but exam went decently and I love the people I work with.  Also depending on how much I get paid next pay (getting my tattoo ♥) and whether or not I get the museum position for the summer; which would require me to move for four months; I may make myself an appointment to a psychiatrists.  First step in the right direction right?  cause I don't know how much longer I can stand this.  

I was also talking to a friend at work and she told me once exams are finished I need to sleep for days and days, and start taking vitamins because she said that, not meaning any offence, my 'tired' look is more of a sickly look and she said it looks like I'm suffering from lack of minerals and vitamins and not just sleep; cause you apparently don't look like this when you only lack sleep.  I'm glad someone finally told me straight up that I actually look unwell instead of all this "you look REALLY tired" crap.   But what she said makes total sense because even when I had 3 nights in a row of sleep I was still told I looked really tired and not rested; not going to take the vitamins because I don't want to get better (yet I want to see a psychiatrist, oh the irony!). 

I don't think I look as bad as everyone says and my pictures don't come out with my face looking sickly; maybe everybody is being melodramatic?

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time I was a three year old who'd bite her loving older brother for no reason.  Once I bit so hard it broke skin;  my mother thought it got infected.  Once on a home video, I was three unwrapping a mountain of presents and then walking around the tree to find more presents; there were no more; I threw a tantrum; I was greedy.  Once upon a time when I was 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8,  I displayed overly sexual interests and did more than play doctor with my friends; I am ashamed.   Once upon a time when I was 4 I used to get constant stomach aches; the tests showed nothing, it was all in my head I guess.  Once upon a time when I was about 6 or 7 my dad spanked me so hard it left a hand print and when my mother was washing me and saw it she made him come up and see it;  she screamed at him, she yelled;  I just sat in the bathtub.  Once upon a time I remember being threatened with a belt.  Once upon a time I nearly failed grade two;  I don't know why, it was just a bad year I guess.  Once upon a time I was simply a very bad child.   

To ease ones' thoughts.

Perhaps I have started writing so much because I have so much I am angry about; so much to say.  There were plenty of times where, I guess you could say, I was worse off or in a more horrible state of mind; yet most problems, and anger, issues and frustrations get absorbed by my skin, and veins and hair and settle there and pile up one by one on top until I feel I must write some of it out before they start to overflow and seep from the pores of my being; before they make me a gooey mess (and I am unsure if I have not started becoming sticky and seeping from them yet).  I must write to ease my thoughts and put my soul a bit at ease for I have not my paintbrushes or canvas or paper or etching utensils to create; I haven't created anything in so long. No clothing's sewn, no pictures drawn, no thoughts painted and no human figures etched onto the flawless surfaces of plexiglass; writing is all I have time for between my studies and work, but at the very least I still have it.


[For mother]

One day you will look at me
And you will finally see me
Shaking you'll reach out and realize
That I am not yours. 
That shouldn't surprise you
You knew long ago I wasn't yours
You made that clear through your words
Your actions.
Why couldn't you come to love your daughter?
What was so wrong with the girl who just wanted to be loved?
Were you jealous of the attention your little girl got from men who'd see her on the streets,
From men in church, from men who would say "no, if it's for you it's free"
As they handed her that toy, that decorated wooden easter egg, that lollipop.
Why couldn't you love that little girl?
Why couldn't you love me?
I still love you
Even if you can never love me back.

- A.J.

can everyone stop pointing out how tired I look all the time?

Yes I know I look tired; I AM tired.  I've been working 22 - 33 hours each week for the last 4 weeks; I've had 4 term papers to write; I have exams to study for; I have exams to write.  Obviously I look tired.  I know that.  You also do not need to point out my bags are pretty bad and that I look extremely tired, not just tired, and that around my eyes are red.  I get it;  I look like shit; I look like a fuckin' zombie, please stop.  You telling me how tired I look will not magically make me look not tired all of a sudden; it will not magically create more time in the day time so I can get more hours of sleep; it will not make my exams disappear.

I needed to vent - so many things are stressing me out and giving me anxiety and just generally making things bad so like always I vent about the smallest thing, but it helps calm me down a bit.  I did stand with my feet halfway across the line at the metro; about a step away from the edge and there were a lot of people; an accidental bump or push. I couldn't do it, but there was this small rush flowing through me, like what if I did take that extra step? But the subway came from the other end and so by the time it reached my end it was practically stopped and I was disappointed.  What a pity I didn't die.

This is all driving me over the edge and I just want to cut up my thighs again.  Open me up and let me break; die, cry, pathetic like I am.

I hate myself. I know I have written this many times before, but I just hate myself so much.

Stares and down 8lbs

so I dropped about 8lbs (mostly water weight I think, but whatever).  It wasn't that I was necessarily restricting, just sometimes I have no money and like I didn't have anything to eat except ketchup and rice for the last 3 days or so and I wanted to cry.  It's funny how much easier it is to starve yourself when you know you have food/money for food, yet when you're broke with absolutely no way of getting food (well except for the rice I had) it's a totally different story and you just feel almost as if you're a lesser person, yet when I starve myself when I do have food I feel like 'more' of a person. 
My monthly tax thing of $22 came in today so I went out an bought pizza pops (cheese kind), minigos, pop tarts and black cherry ice cream; had half a cup of the ice cream, 2 minigos, half a pop tart and a pizza pop.  About a minute after I finished I felt so sick and I had to throw up; most of it came out.  I think I'm going to go back to being a vegan; have been a lacto vegetarian for a month now and the food I choose is worse and makes me feel sicker and I believe my body is having trouble digesting all the  fats and sugars.  

Anyways I found a new place for May :] it is small, but cute, tidy and there's a washer and dryer in our apartment.  Plus it's near a river and the Saint-Laurent river and has a bunch of bike paths and whatnot; going to start jogging and cycling a few times a week once I move in (plus it gets super bright out by 6 20 am now).  

The river near my new apartment ♥ 

Didn't post this in my previous post, but basically when I told the people at my work I wanted to dye my hair black (which I did 2 years ago and it looked fantastic) their responses were all similar:

"You're too pale for black hair."

"Black hair will make you look paler and sicker looking."

"You're pale and it wouldn't be too bad if you were just pale, but you look tired all the time."

"You'd look really sickly if you died your hair black." 

"It's just that you have tiredness written all over your face."

"You're pale, you look tired and like the outside of your eyes are red from tiredness and you can see some of the veins around your eyes; black hair would only bring that out and make you look ill." 

"You're pale, but like yellow so black wouldn't look good." 

Thanks.  This was last Saturday and on the Sunday my manager sees me and says (and I quote):

"You look REALLY tired. Are you ok?" 

Do I look so tired that I look not okay?   Do I look so tired I look ill/hungover/ not okay?

Whatever I always have a smile on my face and that's important.  

Not sure if it's clear in the pictures, but my winter/fall coat that was super snug on me last year is pretty loose on me now :] ♥

blaaaah blaah blaaah I should shut up.

I have been feeling suicidal almost constantly/daily for the last two weeks or so it is horrible and I just want to cry and heave all these feelings out of me. I want to throw up this hurt, cut out this shame and forget these thoughts.  I hate myself. I hate myself.  I hate myself and that makes me sad. 

I went bowling with my work after work today; only stayed for one game, it was fun, but I got extremely sad and lonely for some reason.  Also finally decided I'm getting my thigh tattoo, either in two weeks or three; either a quote by Edvard Munch or Virginia Woolf; cannot yet decide.

blah.

so I never updated about my trip to the er, but it's been a week and I don't feel like getting into it.  It was nothing exciting, or new or extraordinary.  It was blah. The only thing I'll share is that the triage nurse took my pulse, looked at the machine and took my pulse by hand cause she wasn't sure the machine was working cause you know a reasting heart beating 133a minute is not exactly normal in a young female.

I've been very stressed out with all my essays and I still can't believe this is the last week of classes.  I submitted my last essay today - it was late and I'm very disappointed in myself, but life happens and I was living off of 2 or 3 hour naps, coffee  and energy drinks these last two weeks and working 25+hrs at work.
Very crazy time for me and I'm apartment hunting for a new place for May 1st. Super stressed. ahhh.

Emergency room

I had the weirdest thing happen to me and finally convinced myself something is not right so in an hour after I hand in my essay I am heading to the emergency room.  super nervous - but I have to go.   I'll update once I'm back. 

Love you all ♥