My purging has gotten vicious.

I hate when I have horrible binge//purge cycles.  I have eaten almost all the food I have (with exception of a few cans of beans and condiments such as ketchup and mustard).  Not buying anything until Saturday evening, in attempts to curb my binges, because this has got to stop. Not exactly fasting, just going to be consuming absolute zero energy drinks, as well as some non-fat vanilla yogurt; also thinking of maybe doing an 8 day juice/tea detox to help relax/slightly heal my body after all the bingeing and constant purging (yes, this would mean I would not take laxatives for the duration of the fast).   Not sure if I'll do it yet, but I'm considering it.  

On the other hand, I am not sure whether to be pleased with my laxative abuse or terrified at how much I have been taking lately.  A bit TMI, but for the last two days I have been going to the point where nothing, but these "sediments" come out; which I read means there's nothing more in the intestines to push out.   Bad part of this is that when one increases an already abnormal number of laxatives to take daily, you find yourself in more pain than previously.  And I mean stabbing, sharp, shooting, give you goosebumps sort of pain and the worse is when I get them at work. On the topic of laxatives I found this box at the pharmacy that says "purgative", it's about $17, and it says it's specifically for those doing a colonoscopy or intestinal x-ray/something else.   I think I may buy it on Friday and use it since I don't work on Saturday (hopefully my roommate is not back/home on the Saturday, because I feel like I will be in the bathroom ALL DAY).

Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Take 10 laxatives. Curl up in pain. Binge. Throw up till your throat is raw. Fast. Binge. Purge. Get headache and aches and pain from all the purging. Binge. Hate yourself. Purge. Purge. Purge. Purge till you see blood.  Purge till you see stars. Take more laxatives.  Stuffle the groans of pain in your pillow, as your body twists and turns from pain that feels like knives twisting your intestines this way and that.  Eat a tub of ice cream.  Throw up.  Cry. Binge. Purge. Binge.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I hate myself.  I hate these last few days.   I hate these last 4 years of this.

It's too fucking much.

Back in full swing, in all the wrong ways.

I ate two slices of pizza during my lunch at work and went to the bathroom and threw them up (or at least one and a bit).  Stayed there for awhile and came back into the lunchroom saying I thought something was in my eye; I hid my right hand as the index fingers knuckle was bright red, and I got one of the supervisors looking in the direction of my hand (placed on my lap), but I'm not worried, because it really is no one's business.  I'm throwing up and taking so many more laxatives and I'm going to be working till Friday (I will be working 9 days in a row), and by working a lot I can help with my financial stress/help me pay for when I go on vacation with a friend in July; also it takes my mind off of things and I tend to not binge/not binge a lot when I work.  My eyes also look really weird; kinda dull and greyish white where it should just be white.

 Gained 5lbs while visiting my parents, and let us say I was less then impressed with myself; I've become extremely pudgy over these last few months.

Everything hurts so bad

my chest, my upper back, my middle back, my throat; they are all extremely achy and hurt as if someone beat them up with a baseball bat.  Hurts so much I might take a hot shower even though it's almost midnight and might wake the nieghbours below me.   Not sure why I'm in soo much pain, but nothings helping.

It might also be due to the fact that on top of continuing my daily laxative use, I have also started throwing up almost daily again; back to the same old cycle, the tears, the heaving, the pain and containers filled with vomit (because risking having the pipes burst is too much for a uni student renting a place). Purging is disgusting; fucking gross.  Nasty, custy, ugly shit, but I always do it whether it's through laxatives or vomiting; I am a nasty lil' mess and I hate it.

D
I
S
G
U
S
T
I
N
G

Also I think my liver is slowly starting to become slower than is normal, because when I drink I don't get a hangover the next day, instead I am still drunk.

Back from visiting my parents.

It was fun, a bit chaotic, and I got wasted on saturday for my birthday.  It was great.  Also had a chest x-ray and full abdominal ultra sound on monday, cause I told my doctor about my night sweats on Thursday and she said it might be my lymph nodes or thyroid?

Also my mom bought me a cute outfit for my birthday ♥ and I drank whisky and rum and vodka and just got drunk for the first time in like 8 months and it was great (apparently I almost caused my brother, who picked me up from downtown at 3 am, to almost crash 3 times....).    

Lots to update on and will do that sometime within the next few days.

First day back and I feel like I'm in chaos rather then having a break.

So I truly thought this was a great time to go back and visit my parents and siblings, because as it so happens I am in the middle of a quarter life crisis and felt I truly needed a bit of a break; turns out my hopes were short lived.  I honestly should have expected this, as it always happens when I come home and has always been the case in my home; an alcoholic father (who denies ever drinking, when he drinks 2 bottles of wine a night plus beer or whiskey)  and a mother easily agitated because of all the stress around her and I feel like I need to be the support pillar for my mother (and all my friends), when all I need right now is a little support and understanding from someone.  I feel like a wreck, and feel more suicidal today than I have in the last 2 weeks, and it is only my first day out of seven back home. Jesus fucking christ.
I don't want to be here anymore, anywhere at all; I want to disappear because then maybe everything else will disappear as well; all my problems and all my flaws.

I'm lost, but I don't feel it.

Confusing title, because I am utterly and truly confused.  Some days I wake up and think "I don't have a problem; this is all in my head and I'm fine.  Sure I take laxatives daily, and throw up and restrict and binge, but I am not out of control.  I am not disordered. I am fine and just over dramatic." Yet, I know this is not so. I know because if someone else did what I do on a daily basis, I would tell them they need help; yet I cannot help, but feel this way sometimes. 

I have also been craving to start etching once again, but I haven't for fear I will start self harming again (as the razor on the etching knives are extremely sharp and cut the skin very easily; my old one is at my parents house, but it is all rusted from the blood and so I would have to buy a new one and I know that if I do, my thighs will be all sliced up again).  I wish I could do things that I enjoy, without fear of hurting myself; just like with drinking, I become dangerously reckless and suicidal (without of course verbally expressing it and blaming the injuries on the alcohol). 

I think my biggest problem is that I hate myself, and no matter how far I move; no matter the amount of friends I make or let go of; no matter how much I change my appearance; the fact remains I cannot run away from myself, but I don't know how to face myself.  I don't know the solution to my problem;  my problem being myself and my hatred for myself.  What is the solution? How do I overcome this, because god knows I have tried and yet here I am with a problem bigger than it began.

(on Mont Royal)

  

 You cannot find peace by avoiding life - V. Woolf. 

I AM NOT AN OBJECT OF YOUR SEXUAL DESIRES: I AM NOT AN OBJECT PERIOD. I AM NOT A CHILD AND I AM NOT INVISIBLE. I AM A FUCKING HUMAN BEING.

sometimes I get on the verge of tears from the way people, and especially men whom I encounter treat me.  I just want to talk with you without you saying freaky stuff like "I want to do _____ and ________ to you." and "come cuddle and have sex. now."  NO I fucking won't and keep that shit to yourself; it's disturbing to hear everytime you write what you want to do with me, because it only shows how you only view me as a sexual object.  FUCKING NO. men are vile.  not all men, but the most recent men I have come into contact with are vile, unashamed, disgusting low lives.

All around there are poisons.

Honestly, not only are a lot of common household plants and flowers poisonous, but some plants we eat are as well; at least part of the plants that is.   For example rhubarb leaves are poisonous and mixing them with water and soda makes them even more so; green potatoes (obviously since they belong to the nightshade family),  the leaves and stems of tomatoes, the pits of cherries and bitter almonds that aren't heat treated (though most countries have either made them illegal or made all almonds heat treated).   There are also a startling amount of plants you can find around in nearby forests and ravines that contain poison, either from the flower or stem or leaves; lets not forget all the poisons around us in the products we use, even common eye drops when ingested cause one to fall ill with the runs and terrible stomach pains. I also forgot to mention castor oil; you see castor seeds contain a deadly poison called ricin (a protein), however the castor oil is heat treated during the process and therefore causing the protein to become inactive; thank goodness for that, because castor oil is used in A LOT of products ranging from cosmetics to food packaging to medicines etc.

 Rhubarb leaves; they appear harmless, but are quite the contrary.

I kinda sound like an advertisement/fact teller, but I'm just fascinated with plants and their uses and so happened to stumble upon other forms of poison while researching (I swear to god I am not a dark evil person; maybe I should switch my career choice to botanist ;] )

On another note I am going to see Star Trek into the Darkness tonight ♥  I haven't been out in awhile so I kinda need this, although I am not looking forward to paying however much it costs for a 3D admission -_- I still need to buy my bus tickets home and register for the conference...  Ahh the harsh life of a student living an adult life (ie living on my own means).


Laxatives also seem to be loosing their effectiveness again, which really sucks, because I hate having all that disgusting, fatty, chemical foods in my body for longer than a  few hours.  And I saw a picture of my friend and she's losing weight again, and I know it shouldn't, but it makes me so much more motivated to lose weight;  I haven't weighed myself in weeks so I honestly have no clue how much I weigh, but I have been walking a lot thanks to work and going on walks on Mount Royal. 

Realizations, but no solutions.

I've come to the realization, not too long ago, that I need help; I am unwell and I do not know how much longer I can keep going by myself.  Today on skype, I told my mother how sometimes I think about quitting university, working for a year, moving to Europe and doing university there.  But it would still be just as hard there as it is here, she told me, and I don't know I almost broke down crying, but I did not and I just avoided looking at the screen/her and I just told her again that it was all too hard for me.  She asked why I didn't stay in Toronto and I told her it would have been harder there; the rent is at the very minimum twice as expensive and public transportation is almost thrice that much.  We were both silent for a few seconds and then she suggested I move back and finish university at our university in my hometown (it is one of the highest ranking in Canada, and it's top party school).  I was a bit thrilled my mother had offered, but I have too much pride sometimes to move back and it is too late to transfer.   Even if I did decide for next year to transfer universities, not all my credits would go through and I wouldn't be able to live with my parents for so long; but I think I have come up with a compromise that may save me a bit next year.  I have decided for next summer I will sublet my apartment and stay 4 months with my parents and work at one of the two museums in my hometown.   Now I know it doesn't make sense for me to go back to my parents, but realizing how unwell I am and unstable, it just honestly scares me, and by being around people all the time (my siblings, my parents etc) and by having my parents still be a little controlling, I think I could relax a bit more and not be so afraid and isolated and scared of myself for what I might do to myself. Sometimes I hope; despite how horrible it is; that my heart may stop from all the abuse I have been putting my body through, and that I am somehow saved and thus my parents find out and take me home/I get put into treatment and this is where I am losing my train of thought and everything becomes unclear and I no longer know what I wanted to say or what the conclusion of this thought/paragraph was.

But I do not think I can last until next summer.  I am way to far over in this, and it's not going away.  I don't think it ever will.

All good things must come to an end.

I'm referring to that feeling I had a week or so ago when I just felt calm, like I didn't want to die.  Well here I am once again feeling that awful feeling and not wanting to live.  I know I sound so casual talking about it, but it's just something I experience so often that I have normalized it to a certain degree; but I also don't want to die.  If I could I would re-make myself; get a new id, new birth certificate, new age and move to a different country and start university all over and finally live my life.   Even if I did manage to get a new id and everything I couldn't just leave because people wouldn't know what really happened and I think it would really hurt my siblings and parents more than suicide.  On the subject of siblings and parents, I think my sister has major hormonal problems/imbalances at which my mother got mad at me for when I told her this through skype (anything hormonal/psychiatric/any health problems that have anything to do with behaviour is huge stigma with my mother).   I skyped my mother, who was really upset, because it turns out my sister; my 12 year old sister; called my mother a  "stupid fucking bitch" for no reason.  They weren't even having an argument.  Basically they were walking from the bus stop and my mother told my sister that she made her favourite salad and my sister responded by saying "I didn't even want that you stupid fucking bitch."  Yes that is way out of line for any child to say to a parent; downright disrespectful and my mother cried for two hours afterwards.  The thing is though that my sister was totally happy and suddenly turned angry, and this happens often.  She can be happy and fine and the next minute she is mad at everyone and acting like everyone is doing something wrong. My family is not rich, my sister is not spoiled like most kids, and she was very sick when she was a toddler and had to take strong medication and steroids for it and I honestly think it just wacked her hormones/something is not right, because that is not 'normal' behaviour. Anyways I told this to my mom, as it is concerning, and she just shut me down.  She accused me of trying to make my sister into a 'sick' person, when really all I said was maybe she has a hormone problem and maybe she should take her to the doctor because this has been going on for years.  Okay so I'll let my mother do what she thinks is best, but this just opened up a discussion about our own relationship with each other, which made me realize how broken our relationship really is; which I already knew, but sometimes it's nice to ignore the ugly stuff we can in our lives; and then my mother said something that made me want to mend this relationship.  Not leave it in the corner and go on stepping over dust and broken glass, but actually clean it up and start anew.   My mother said "I only ever cried at your birth. Out of all five children I only cried for you."  I didn't understand so I asked why and she told me "because you were a girl.  I finally had a daughter, I was so happy. You were my first girl." And now I feel even more lost than ever, because all this time I believed my mother wanted to love me, but couldn't, yet it seems she loved me enough to cry only for me when I was born; now I have to try and rearrange and organize and construct new theories and ideas to make sense of our relationship and behaviours to one another. 

I'm honestly thinking if I can't figure things out; everything and just a few things; I might go to a florist and buy a plant or two of poisonous flowers and drink them as tea or put them in my salads (depending on the plant).  This way it will take a few days/weeks, would most likely not look like suicide and gives me time to change my mind and/or tie up lose ends and get all my business in order.
If I did do this, it would not be now, I would wait until August or September maybe.  I don't know things change, hopefully they will for the better. 

decisions, decisions, decisions and tears.

So I ended up crying today at work; nothing particular just stress that was building up for awhile (perhaps all the stress from finals and moving that I just bottled up?).   Anyways it was super embarrassing, and I could feel I was going to cry, but I was trying so hard not to and right before I did (I was working fitting rooms) one of the clients coming back out could tell I was going to cry and he gave me a sympathetic look and gently touched my shoulder. Afterwards I went to the back of our area in fitting rooms where the racks of clothes are and started crying, but I realized I was going to cry and I mean heave and gasp cry so I ran to the bathroom in the employee lounge.  One of my managers heard what happened and she was really nice about it and said that sometimes clients can get to you and that just yesterday she almost cried, and felt tears welling up from a really rude customer.  I have great coworkers and amazing managers and I'm so grateful ♥  

I'm also having the dilemma if I want to start seeing a psychiatrist, because I found this amazing clinic and they do a sliding scale (I think I mentioned this before, but they charge based on income).  But I am so nervous to call and set up an appointment and what if they don't take me seriously or think I need to be seeing them; I'm so nervous :[
I'll decide by next payday if I am going to or not.

Finally all moved in and university is over until september :']

Hot nights, damp sheets and phantom smells

So packing everything into my dad's minivan was stressful, but once we got to my new apartment, everything went smoothly.  My dad and I actually spent a good 7 hours outside afterwards, visiting two museums and walking up to the top of Mount Royal, and it was super hot; felt like 30 degrees with the sun beating down on you, which was super nice.   The nights have also been hot, which is a bit of a bother, but I'm not going to complain since I love summer and hot weather.   I think this weather and this move have prompted a more positive me; I'm trying to take better care of myself by washing my face daily, moisturizing, getting enough sleep etc.   I have also started wearing make up (mascara), but I think I will stop since I just prefer going natural and my eyes have been doing this weird thing where they sting and start to tear up so bad tears stream down my face (I think it's because of wearing mascara?). 

Also I had 'scary' dream, well not scary persay, but unpleasant:  basically people were saying I needed help with my throwing up and laxative abuse and so they got this lady to come talk with me and after talking for a bit I said something (which I cannot remember what) and her face kinda looked shocked; she then said "oh I thought this was for attention, not a real case of eating disorder" (or something like that) at which point I panicked and told her we could make a deal, and that if I started eating normal and not purging she wouldn't tell anyone.   I also had these two friends who kept following me everywhere/not letting me be by myself cause they had to 'take care of me' (because of my purging) and didn't want me to run away.   It left an unsettling feeling in me once I woke up.   I don't know, I just don't really like dreams like that.  
My heart/circulation/body have all been doing odd things lately, which I will not get into right now as it is late and I need to get up early tomorrow, but it's a bit frightening yet a bit thrilling at the same time.

For the first time in two years

As I was taking the bus to the library today I realized that I wanted to live; for the first time in 2 years I did not want to die; I had no suicidal feelings.  It was absolutely amazing, although I couldn't figure out why I felt this way, where it was coming from; it was just this feeling, this emotion that I wanted to live. Not that I had to live or couldn't die, but that I want to live.  I know it doesn't sound like a big thing, but for me; a person who for the last two years has almost constantly wanted to die; it is a big freakin' deal; it's like a breakthrough and I hope to goodness graciousness it does not leave me.

This the season of moving!

Oh joy! I am in the midst of packing and I am moving in two days and have no internet at the moment so I'm using my university's wifi when I have time to come down; but I probably won't post until about Friday or Thursday.  Moving is so stressful; I don't even know why, but it is just soo overwhelming :[


Also I wore mascara yestereday (saturday).  I have not worn make up in a solid five months and it was soo hard getting all of the mascara off after.

Me before work on saturday with mascara on ~

wowww.

I honestly felt like my blood sugar dropped today when I was in the library and ate a chocolate bar and a pizza pocket thing (2 of them) which just caused me to go to the bathroom and it took about an hour or so before I started feeling less shaky; maybe it's dehydration?  Also I think I have gotten an actual, not going away, hemorrhoid or something;  it is like a swollen vein and it is PAINFUL.  I'll see if it doesn't go away by Monday I'll buy that H Cream they sell in pharmacies ~
I keep telling myself I'll stop with the laxatives, but it never works.  I hate this, I hate it so much.   I spend so much money on laxatives; money I don't.  I'm also getting varicose veins on the back of my knee on my right leg (at least it looks like varicose veins) and it looks absolutely horrid. I just look horrid in general. 

Although I must say I look decent when I take pictures with my ipod in the mornings cause the light makes my skin look soo good ~   if only this was the reality ;[

Me yesterday morning; if only my skin looked this good in reality. 

I also discovered a most wondrous book, unlike any other, just a few moments ago and I will post with pictures later about it as I am squealing with excitement from stumbling upon such a find (although I really must get back to writing my take home exam). 

I think I may put on make up on saturday or sunday, because I haven't worn makeup in about 5 months (and my eyelashes have gotten so thick!); but now that I'm used to make up I really don't wanna put any on, although I should since I look like crap 24/7.

Lastly I want to dye my hair black, but I realize I am way too pale at the moment; or more accurately everyone has been pointing out that I am too pale.  I kinda want to dye it like a bleach blonde mint colour but my hair is way too damaged to go lighter and I cannot find any semi-permanent hair colours that I would want other than black; I feel like if I did dye it black everyone would probably be right....

Sometimes I like my nose (but most of the time I don't). 

 

One last selfie I'm posting, because it would be a waste to not post all the pictures I take while I'm in the library studying...

 

One last thing: I'm thinking of starting a vlog ! I'm just not sure how to post videos on youtube, but once I have them done and up I will link them on here :]

Open your eyes.

I think we all forget how to see; I mean see the world, not our view of the world itself.  You see the world is beautiful, even the ugly bits are beautiful.  Everything intertwines in such a beautiful, sometimes tragic way, but it's all meant to be.   You see, when I look at the people around me, I tend to see things others don't;  I see the beauty in everybody; I see the insecurities in some people and it brings out empathy; I see loneliness in that lady who takes the bus everyday;  I see innocence and love in the child and father walking down the street; I see desperation and a person breaking in the eyes of the homeless girl in the metro and my heartbreaks for her.  I see love, kindness, sadness; I see all of this and it makes me happy and sad all at once.   We must never forget to really look at people, because I could look and see people not as they are, but as my own feelings about them;  I could see that lady on the bus as a cranky, rude, crazy lady, but I don't because that is not her; she is a person, a human going through life and we must never forget that.   We must never forget we all feel and we all fall and each one of us can see something of ourselves in others; we must all care and we must all start to see instead of just look.

Sometimes all a person really needs is a smile or kind look from a stranger.  I know I have.

Free time, exams, summer plans.

Went out and bought myself spf 45 sunscreen even though it's still only about 10 Celsius; I'm weird and I don't want to have a tan face and hands and my body be pale so I'll just all be pale.   Also I realize I won't be in school for the next 4 months because university is out until September and I won't have anything to I need to do outside of work.  I need things to keep me occupied, I need to be constantly doing something or I start to realize how much I hate all this and it just all gets too much.  I may sign up for hot yoga, since I really enjoyed it when I was a teen;  I may also make a plan to start jogging with a friend on weekends.   I'll also visit museums on my days off since admission is free and  the MMFA has really cute places to sit outside/in their sculpture garden, so I may go there to write and draw.  I may also buy myself plexiglass and a new etching knife; I need to start creating again; knitting, sewing, painting, etching, drawing.

Summer 2001; we used to go camping almost every summer.  I really like summer; I really like this photo (I keep it by my bed).

I'm also going to sew myself a skirt to wear to my friends and mine birthday dinner; I made a facebook event page for it, and we're going to go to a bar and grill for dinner and drinks and then out to the bars afterwards (and perhaps have a brunch the following day). I haven't gone out in awhile and my last two birthdays were crap; not one of my 'friends' celebrated them and it just sucked in general, so this year I want it to be different. I'm also really hoping to have sex with one of my friends that night, but I dunno. 

Also have an exam tomorrow; not too nervous just a lot of memorizing and reading to do before 6pm tomorrow, then I have to bust my butt off to write my take home exam due Friday; after Friday my 4 month and a bit summer begins!  Yay and nay. 

Disgusting.

binge, binge, binge and purge, purge, purge
you will never be small and tiny
you fat, ugly girl.
you, the bones and fat and muscles and blood
that cannot even hold her life together
so desperately trying to hold everything together
by the seams
soon enough it will all break open
and all the garbage you've been hiding your whole life
will fall out and kill you
you
fat
ugly
girl

A.L

Self portrait of myself done on paint: chunky, frizzy hair, cheeks that flush a lot.

Bad binge; bad purge.

Last night after I wrote my previous post I went out and bought myself food to binge on; it has truly been a long time since I have actually "binged" (I bought enough food to last a week and binged on 2000 + calories, not fun).   Needless to say I threw most of it up, used a suppository and took 8 laxatives afterwards.  Maybe it was because I haven't purged through throwing up in a long time, but I was just utterly exhausted and completely drained; I had less energy than I did when I pull all nighters; like all I could do was lay in bed and even browsing the net was hard, but after sipping a sugary drink for a bit I started feeling better.  
I also need to start cutting down on refined sugars, because I feel like my levels are a bit erratic; especially at work.  I will tend to get extremely energetic after I eat, even if it's a "healthy" lunch, especially if I took a lot of laxatives the night before and was a bit dehydrated; or I will just become so out of it and cranky for no reason and I try so hard not to show it, but when I do I just play it off on no sleep (there were sooo many times I almost let out a snarky comment to a customer/yelled at my friends who work with me in the fitting room for talking too much or something).  This would make sense because when I was throwing up a lot back in gr.12 I was always cranky and easily cried and got frustrated at home. I must say it was kind of ridiculous sometimes; for ex. my favourite spoon was in the dish  washer and I couldn't use it or the bread we had wasn't the kind I liked and I would try so hard to keep it in, but would end up crying and being rude to everyone in the house; over a SPOON or bread type (or maybe it was just depression, or something else - purging and starving do weird things to your brain).
 I want to believe I am better in control, but I feel like one of these weekends at work I will just snap and that will not be pretty and after I snap and unleash my crankiness I will end up crying and it will all be a horribly, horrible, overdramatic scene; so I try really hard not to let that happen.

A selfie (it's so hard to take good pictures of yourself); been getting more sleep so although still pale I think I look a bit better :3 

 

I also bought a cute flannel plaid shirt at work yesterday :] it was only $15 and fits perfect; it was from the boys (children's) section, that's why it was so cheap and surprisingly fit my boobs perfectly (cause although they are small, they're still there and boys shirts are made with a totally flat chest in mind; so yay! Another plus is my friend from work and I are going to start jogging together after work on the weekends :"] this way I am forced to exercise and have motivation.  

Took this right after I threw up most of my binge; purging is not fun, hurts, your face swells and makes you look and feel like shit.  (Also sorry for bad lighting)

Up and down; parched mouth and dry tongue.

So I've been b/p these last two days and it's been horrible and I took a suppository and 10 laxatives and I kept going to the bathroom; I woke up so dehydrated my tongue was quite literally dry.  I hate b/p cycles, but it's so hard to stop and the worse is that I plan my binges. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting.

I seek things I should not.

I am triggering myself.  Literally, I am going through tumblr finding 'thinspo' and 'fitspo' and self harm pictures and posts and now I just want to cut myself up.   Why do I do this when I'm already low? 
But I had a good day; no sleep, but exam went decently and I love the people I work with.  Also depending on how much I get paid next pay (getting my tattoo ♥) and whether or not I get the museum position for the summer; which would require me to move for four months; I may make myself an appointment to a psychiatrists.  First step in the right direction right?  cause I don't know how much longer I can stand this.  

I was also talking to a friend at work and she told me once exams are finished I need to sleep for days and days, and start taking vitamins because she said that, not meaning any offence, my 'tired' look is more of a sickly look and she said it looks like I'm suffering from lack of minerals and vitamins and not just sleep; cause you apparently don't look like this when you only lack sleep.  I'm glad someone finally told me straight up that I actually look unwell instead of all this "you look REALLY tired" crap.   But what she said makes total sense because even when I had 3 nights in a row of sleep I was still told I looked really tired and not rested; not going to take the vitamins because I don't want to get better (yet I want to see a psychiatrist, oh the irony!). 

I don't think I look as bad as everyone says and my pictures don't come out with my face looking sickly; maybe everybody is being melodramatic?

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time I was a three year old who'd bite her loving older brother for no reason.  Once I bit so hard it broke skin;  my mother thought it got infected.  Once on a home video, I was three unwrapping a mountain of presents and then walking around the tree to find more presents; there were no more; I threw a tantrum; I was greedy.  Once upon a time when I was 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8,  I displayed overly sexual interests and did more than play doctor with my friends; I am ashamed.   Once upon a time when I was 4 I used to get constant stomach aches; the tests showed nothing, it was all in my head I guess.  Once upon a time when I was about 6 or 7 my dad spanked me so hard it left a hand print and when my mother was washing me and saw it she made him come up and see it;  she screamed at him, she yelled;  I just sat in the bathtub.  Once upon a time I remember being threatened with a belt.  Once upon a time I nearly failed grade two;  I don't know why, it was just a bad year I guess.  Once upon a time I was simply a very bad child.   

To ease ones' thoughts.

Perhaps I have started writing so much because I have so much I am angry about; so much to say.  There were plenty of times where, I guess you could say, I was worse off or in a more horrible state of mind; yet most problems, and anger, issues and frustrations get absorbed by my skin, and veins and hair and settle there and pile up one by one on top until I feel I must write some of it out before they start to overflow and seep from the pores of my being; before they make me a gooey mess (and I am unsure if I have not started becoming sticky and seeping from them yet).  I must write to ease my thoughts and put my soul a bit at ease for I have not my paintbrushes or canvas or paper or etching utensils to create; I haven't created anything in so long. No clothing's sewn, no pictures drawn, no thoughts painted and no human figures etched onto the flawless surfaces of plexiglass; writing is all I have time for between my studies and work, but at the very least I still have it.


[For mother]

One day you will look at me
And you will finally see me
Shaking you'll reach out and realize
That I am not yours. 
That shouldn't surprise you
You knew long ago I wasn't yours
You made that clear through your words
Your actions.
Why couldn't you come to love your daughter?
What was so wrong with the girl who just wanted to be loved?
Were you jealous of the attention your little girl got from men who'd see her on the streets,
From men in church, from men who would say "no, if it's for you it's free"
As they handed her that toy, that decorated wooden easter egg, that lollipop.
Why couldn't you love that little girl?
Why couldn't you love me?
I still love you
Even if you can never love me back.

- A.J.

can everyone stop pointing out how tired I look all the time?

Yes I know I look tired; I AM tired.  I've been working 22 - 33 hours each week for the last 4 weeks; I've had 4 term papers to write; I have exams to study for; I have exams to write.  Obviously I look tired.  I know that.  You also do not need to point out my bags are pretty bad and that I look extremely tired, not just tired, and that around my eyes are red.  I get it;  I look like shit; I look like a fuckin' zombie, please stop.  You telling me how tired I look will not magically make me look not tired all of a sudden; it will not magically create more time in the day time so I can get more hours of sleep; it will not make my exams disappear.

I needed to vent - so many things are stressing me out and giving me anxiety and just generally making things bad so like always I vent about the smallest thing, but it helps calm me down a bit.  I did stand with my feet halfway across the line at the metro; about a step away from the edge and there were a lot of people; an accidental bump or push. I couldn't do it, but there was this small rush flowing through me, like what if I did take that extra step? But the subway came from the other end and so by the time it reached my end it was practically stopped and I was disappointed.  What a pity I didn't die.

This is all driving me over the edge and I just want to cut up my thighs again.  Open me up and let me break; die, cry, pathetic like I am.

I hate myself. I know I have written this many times before, but I just hate myself so much.

Stares and down 8lbs

so I dropped about 8lbs (mostly water weight I think, but whatever).  It wasn't that I was necessarily restricting, just sometimes I have no money and like I didn't have anything to eat except ketchup and rice for the last 3 days or so and I wanted to cry.  It's funny how much easier it is to starve yourself when you know you have food/money for food, yet when you're broke with absolutely no way of getting food (well except for the rice I had) it's a totally different story and you just feel almost as if you're a lesser person, yet when I starve myself when I do have food I feel like 'more' of a person. 
My monthly tax thing of $22 came in today so I went out an bought pizza pops (cheese kind), minigos, pop tarts and black cherry ice cream; had half a cup of the ice cream, 2 minigos, half a pop tart and a pizza pop.  About a minute after I finished I felt so sick and I had to throw up; most of it came out.  I think I'm going to go back to being a vegan; have been a lacto vegetarian for a month now and the food I choose is worse and makes me feel sicker and I believe my body is having trouble digesting all the  fats and sugars.  

Anyways I found a new place for May :] it is small, but cute, tidy and there's a washer and dryer in our apartment.  Plus it's near a river and the Saint-Laurent river and has a bunch of bike paths and whatnot; going to start jogging and cycling a few times a week once I move in (plus it gets super bright out by 6 20 am now).  

The river near my new apartment ♥ 

Didn't post this in my previous post, but basically when I told the people at my work I wanted to dye my hair black (which I did 2 years ago and it looked fantastic) their responses were all similar:

"You're too pale for black hair."

"Black hair will make you look paler and sicker looking."

"You're pale and it wouldn't be too bad if you were just pale, but you look tired all the time."

"You'd look really sickly if you died your hair black." 

"It's just that you have tiredness written all over your face."

"You're pale, you look tired and like the outside of your eyes are red from tiredness and you can see some of the veins around your eyes; black hair would only bring that out and make you look ill." 

"You're pale, but like yellow so black wouldn't look good." 

Thanks.  This was last Saturday and on the Sunday my manager sees me and says (and I quote):

"You look REALLY tired. Are you ok?" 

Do I look so tired that I look not okay?   Do I look so tired I look ill/hungover/ not okay?

Whatever I always have a smile on my face and that's important.  

Not sure if it's clear in the pictures, but my winter/fall coat that was super snug on me last year is pretty loose on me now :] ♥

blaaaah blaah blaaah I should shut up.

I have been feeling suicidal almost constantly/daily for the last two weeks or so it is horrible and I just want to cry and heave all these feelings out of me. I want to throw up this hurt, cut out this shame and forget these thoughts.  I hate myself. I hate myself.  I hate myself and that makes me sad. 

I went bowling with my work after work today; only stayed for one game, it was fun, but I got extremely sad and lonely for some reason.  Also finally decided I'm getting my thigh tattoo, either in two weeks or three; either a quote by Edvard Munch or Virginia Woolf; cannot yet decide.

blah.

so I never updated about my trip to the er, but it's been a week and I don't feel like getting into it.  It was nothing exciting, or new or extraordinary.  It was blah. The only thing I'll share is that the triage nurse took my pulse, looked at the machine and took my pulse by hand cause she wasn't sure the machine was working cause you know a reasting heart beating 133a minute is not exactly normal in a young female.

I've been very stressed out with all my essays and I still can't believe this is the last week of classes.  I submitted my last essay today - it was late and I'm very disappointed in myself, but life happens and I was living off of 2 or 3 hour naps, coffee  and energy drinks these last two weeks and working 25+hrs at work.
Very crazy time for me and I'm apartment hunting for a new place for May 1st. Super stressed. ahhh.

Emergency room

I had the weirdest thing happen to me and finally convinced myself something is not right so in an hour after I hand in my essay I am heading to the emergency room.  super nervous - but I have to go.   I'll update once I'm back. 

Love you all ♥

~

I really can't cope anymore.


I don't know what to do anymore.

Sitting in the library crying. Everything's wrong.

I hate being a disappointment - I had two classes last semester with this professor and I did REALLY well in both courses and this semester I have a course with him again and I received like a B on my first midterm and I completely failed the second midterm today (it was online so I got my results back).  He’s going to be so disappointed and I can’t face him telling me anything cause I’m so stressed as it is and I can’t deal with disappointments.  Going to try and make the term paper really good to make up for it, but it’s so hard with 5 courses a week, 20 hours or more of work, and 2 other essays on top of that.  I’m trying - I really am and that’s why it sucks because I’m getting back horrid results.
 I really can't take it anymore - I don't have energy to keep all this up plus my laxative abuse.  I have been drinking energy drinks everyday for the past week to keep me going, but a part of me also hopes all those energy drinks make my heart stop. 
I am disappointment to myself and those around me and I honestly CANNOT deal with being a failure and disappointment; really I can't.
I am on the verge of bursting into tears.  I am so tired, I have taken so many laxatives because that's what I do normally and when stressed I take even more.  My body is wearing down, my eyes hurt so much whenever I venture out into daylight, and I swear my eyesight is worsening.  The outsides of my eyes (like eyelids) are becoming this odd shade/pigment of brownish pinkish oranges and purple pink underneath my eyes - it just looks odd and even though I am utterly exhausted it takes me awhile to fall asleep and I wake up only a few hours later.

*It's kinda funny cause I was feeling semi-ok up until I did my exam and that just pushed me.

I want to disappear.  I want to go away.  I want to vanish.  I really am trying to deal with all of this and make it work, but it's not working and I'm failing at everything including basic life shit.  

tingling lips and muscle pains.

I have been keeping a calendar of symptoms for the month of March since I've been getting weird persistent things like my lips tingling, pins and needles on the soles of my feet and random leg pains as well as muscle pains, headaches and my legs and arms falling asleep easy - but it's like I may be getting worse, but I'm not getting smaller.  I just want to disappear, get away from all this stress. It's not about weight, it's about coping with stress and coping with my own existence.

no appetite, food, exams, papers, work - no time for sleep

So for the last week I have had practically no appetite (like a cup of rice a day or a few pieces of candy) because I was so busy and stressed and it was just a crazy week.  I had two papers to write and hand in; the first one I am pretty satisfied and don't think I made any erroneous or unsatisfactory conclusions and arguments.  The second essay, however, was a horrendous tragedy - a student from grade 7 could have probably written it.   I had such a hazy head, I honestly could not think straight and I wrote my essay but it is short, and simple and probably sounds something like "apples can come in various colours ranging from blahhh blahh blahh"  The worse part is that that is the course I am doing terrible in;  all my other courses are going great, but this one? nuh uhh just horribly bad - not to mention Friday (the day it was due) was just terrible in general.  I couldn't even take a 2 hour nap, because although I was tired and my body needed rest, it was just not falling asleep.  I was shaky, and cold and feeling ill and so I called in sick for the first time since working at my store (since August), went to bed instead and woke up 2 hours later with stomach pains, went to the bathroom and then took a bad tumble in the bathroom bruising up my calf pretty badly.  As I go to get some groceries and pain meds from the pharmacy, my intestines decide to flare up again and I honest to goodness gracious wasn't sure if I was going to make it back to my apartment in time.  Thankfully I did and sat in the bathroom for at least 30 minutes. Needless to say my whole digestive system decided to throw a tantrum - including my esophagus and stomach.  

I'm in for another crazy week: I worked all weekend, working Monday( tomorrow), Friday and Saturday and I have 2 exams this week - one tomorrow and one on Wednesday and then have two more essays next week.  Oh dear....how on earth am I going to do this?

Some pictures I took during the busy and stressful week - taking pictures helps me cope with stress a bit. 

  

This actually turned out decently cool :] 

 

I can't do this anymore.

.

I broke down crying while skyping my mother.  Everything is just too much and all the stress and everything has gotten too far and I started bawling.  My mother told me that I'm lonely and need someone - she even said I should do one night stands or just a sex friend because she told me I miss someone else's touch and she's right.  Other than the people I talk to at work and sometimes in my lectures I am completely lonely.  I have isolated myself (mostly financial, since I cannot afford to go out) and hang out with no one, have no friends here, have so much school work and papers to write, work a lot to make ends meet and come home to do more school work, or eat, or sleep.  I am terribly lonely and it's killing me. 
My mother even said that if I need to my dad could drive up all the way here and stay with me for a week, but that would be a) in my space ad b) what's the point if I'm either at school or work and what would we even do? 
I think I freaked my mother out a bit, but I just don't know what to do, I can't hold it in.
If wisterias grew this time of year and I stumbled upon them, I would put them in a sandwich and eat them, go to sleep and (hopefully) never wake up.

Back pain, calf pain, and rotting teeth.

Okay so my teeth aren't 'rotting' per say, but they have started going see-through, kinda grey at the bottoms of the teeth (both top and bottom rows).  It's disgusting.  I brush my teeth twice a day, sometimes more and they have started to look sickly :[  From what I searched on the internet and asked it is probably a calcium/general mineral deficiency.
And everything aches and I get random abrupt pains in random places on my body ~ someone come give me a personal massage?

Also I took some pictures of myself yesterday in my Marvel shirt (more for myself, but I'll post some on here since I view this as a personal journal/diary).

Horrible cravings.

I have been having the most extreme salt and sugar cravings for the past month at least.  These last 2 weeks have mostly been extreme sugar cravings:  basically eating toast with jam, rice with jam, rice with almond milk and brown sugar, and jam.   They are all soo loaded with sugar it's insane and I'm never satisfied :[
Also I think I missed my period this month (knock on wood, last time I thought that I got it 5 days later) - maybe it's late again and I'm just having really long,  MAJOR pms cravings.
Who knows.
But I wish they would go away, it is so distracting and getting on my nerves.

 

Not a great photo, but it's rice, almond milk and mangoes - it's soo good and soo sweet.

 

Secondly:  started sewing again...kinda.  I set up my machine, and finally started cutting the fabric for my summer dress and a cute floral skirt.  The skirt is really simple and since it's just a elastic band at the waist I don't really need to worry about size.  The dress on the other hand I made smaller, because, well I want to be smaller.  I know sounds messed up, but it sort of motivates me :]

Thirdly,  I am absolutely lethargic, lazy, tired, not concentrated and really need to get my butt into gear.

 

Just a few randomish pictures that I feel relate to how I feel; I am tired and feel ignored, like everyone sees me as a human shape, but never actually sees me (the reason you can't see their faces).

Sleep.

I'm a person who feels too much - sensitive to other people's feelings and struggles, even movies make me cry a lot.  The bad usually overwhelms the good.
But sometimes I feel too much about myself, my situation, my reality and it's so intense, it overwhelms me.  Days like today and the weekend are days where I wish I could go numb.  Sometimes it happens, no feelings, no emotions and I prefer it over days like today.  I have only gone to work and class and have stayed in bed doing nothing productive even though I have papers due soon.  I'm tired, so tired.
And I want to die, but I don't.
But the disdain I feel for my life is too much.

I'm going to bed even though it's only 5pm.

These moments and these days.

I don't know what happened.  Everything was going great today and once I finished work and left it all just hit me, you know?  Every now and then I realize that reality is not as nice and wonderful as I pretend it to be.  I realize I am more than $15 000 in debt, that nobody actually cares what comes out of my mouth, that I am a young girl working 17 - 20 hours a week, barely if at all making ends meet, taking 5 courses at uni and an online course, no partying or hanging out because I have no money.  I am financially stressed and lonely beyond words, beyond feelings, beyond comprehension. 
The thoughts have started coming back more frequently as well; every time I walk across the overpass above the freeway I look down and think how easy it would be to simply step over and fall.
Every time I'm waiting for the subway I think how easy to walk off the platform, how tragic it would be if I was standing too close and someone bumped into me.  But those are horrible ways to get killed, not for the person being killed, but for those around, for the driver, for the witnesses.  It would be absolutely selfish - easy, but selfish and shameful.
It's days and nights and hours and weeks and years like right now that I realize how terribly alone I am and how much I really do despise myself. 
Sometimes I wonder if I took a few weeks off and just went into the wilderness alone, would great Mother Nature change me? would it help me find peace with myself?  because I'm desperate to stop feeling this storm inside me.
Desperate to finally be happy and okay with myself.
Desperate for love.


I hate myself so much I'm crying right now and feel like I need to run somewhere, get away cause I'm crawling out of my skin and need to get away from me. 

Laxatives. Laxatives. Laxatives.

They're horrible, they fuck with your body, they don't really do anything, they're addictive and I just bought a pack even though I said I'd wait till Friday.  Already took 5 - hopefully that and the 2 tablespoons of the fiber laxative I took last evening will kick in soon because I feel so heavy, bloated and disgusting and just not good at all.

bad memory.

I have such a bad memory and with the busyness of my work I completely blank out.  There were so many times today where I took someone's number back, would take their clothes and ask for their number because for the life of me I could not remember taking it.  It's like I don't retain a lot of things, a tad bit scary.  However I have had one episode as a child where I totally blanked out a good 2 minutes of memory - the only reason I knew I lost 2 minutes of my memory was because my brother and mother were kinda freaked out/thought I was joking when I asked to see the new photos my mother got developed, turns out just a minute before I sat down and went through all the photos (there were around 60 of them), but for the life of me I could not remember doing that.  Now it's just the normal bad forgetfulness, except it's getting a bit freaky/excessive, but I was pretty tired today so that probably contributed to it.

 

I have this thing where I like taking pictures of my eye/side of face. 

So tired.  I have no money for laxatives like I mentioned before so I have been using the fiber laxative one and I end up having to take at least 4 times more just to be able to poop in 2 days.  It's been horrible, the only good thing is my appetite has decreased (most probably from not going to the bathroom 3 or more times a day like I usually did).  Dislike this so much, not having laxatives I mean.  Gonna buy some on friday though :] Also cancelling my monthly cell phone plan and going with a pay as you go, cause I'd rather have the money to spend on laxatives - I'm horrid and my priorities are skewed and I have an addiction to laxatives.  I know all this and am okay with it. I just want my laxatives, which brings me to me to my Skype date with a friend.  I'm telling my friend how dangerous laxatives are and how she should talk to our other friend (the one who was hospitalized for anorexia) cause I saw some laxatives in her room when I was over back home last week. I am such a hypocrite.

Just a quick update.

This picture of me accurately depicts how I feel: tired of fucking everything. 

That plus I'm dreading of waking up to soaking sheets, a damp sweaty me and the smell of ammonia/urine - I've been getting horrid night sweats for no reason at all.

it's like I'm rainbow - postive outlook = positive experiences

I had a 9hr shift at work today (yay for the hours :]  nay for my feet ;[ ) and decided I would be really positive and happy; and not like my usually happy, more like "I will not allow anything to piss me off" happy.  It was absolutely marvelous!  There's a girl who sometimes works with me in the fitting room, but always handles the clothes, never the customers and it always sorta irks me (because some customers can be very rude and quite stuck up,  plus you usually rotate so one person doesn't always have to stay at the front) but today I didn't let it bother me and I got to know her more and she's actually quite a nice person :]
Downside of today is that about 2 hours before I finished I started getting a headache and my eyes were glazed so bad - I noticed it as I was walking past a mirror and I caught my reflection. They were so glazed, it was honestly odd - googled it when I got home and the first two pages basically tell me it's hypoglycemia aka low blood sugar.  So I ate one pita bread and my headache disappeared awhile after, so it really might have been a drop in sugar.  I'm going to sneak some peppermints or some small sweet candies into my apron when I go to work, because I do not want to repeat what happened at the beginning of December. Nuh - uh cause I can't afford to miss work, I need all the hours I can get. Oh and that reminds me! I have started being scheduled for my requested hours of 15 - 20 hours a week :] so happy ♥

Cardiac arrests.

I decided to read a wikipedia entry about her life and death, as well as some articles and it is sad, but it doesn't seem that tragic.  It was an ill-twisted fate, to collapse and die;  and I mean most people who struggle with eating disorders (not saying she had one) if they die will sometimes die this way.  Just collapse with no pulse.  Obviously Murphy's death had different factors playing into it, but the fact is most of us purging and restricting and abusing have elevated chances of our heart just stopping.  

I have just started taking an online Physiology course and am just sort of starting to understand just how important electrolytes (especially sodium and potassium) are.  I have always known it's dangerous to have electrolyte imbalances, but it just never really sinks in or scares me, but it's these imbalances along with malnutrition, dehydration etc that will cause your heart to stop.  It's kinda sad really, and I wonder if it happened to me would they be able to tell I threw up and abused laxatives?

32 is a bit young, even for me.  I'd like to live to at least 38, although I don't know if I will. 

Death is one of those things that's hard to have control over.

blood, sooo much pain ~

I don't know why, but since about Saturday (while still at my parents house) I started getting more frequent abdominal pains and just like what the fuck?  I took one ONE fucking laxative today! O  N  E!! and normally I take an excess of 6 (usually 6 - 10) in one day.   But today I took one and yet I still got such terrible, terrible pain in my left abdomen.   I don't know, I just never expect to get such bad/severe pain when I haven't taken practically any laxatives today.   Also I have more recently had blood when going to the bathroom - can't figure out if it's a hemorrhoid or whatever it's called (apparently they can be internal) but I don't feel pain when going so I don't think it's serious.

This was last week at my parent's house: cheerios with almond milk and half an apple cut up ♥

also I have no money for laxatives (my cards are maxed out, and I have rent to pay and just paid for March bus pass), but I have this fiber laxative powder I bought back in November/December  so I'll use that for the time being - it doesn't dissolve very well though :/ 

I have been trying to take better care of myself, as in moisturize daily, and do stretches and some exercise everyday.   I'm still debating if I want to start a shake diet, so scared of getting better and it pisses me off at how much of a baby and not responsible of a person I am.

Surprisingly it was a nice trip home.

Surprisingly, my week that I spent at my parents house was rather pleasant without disputes or arguments and just lots of cooking, grocery shopping and talking ♥  The grocery shopping was nice and a bit horrid at the same time.  I like going grocery shopping with my mom, because it is usually food I don't eat anyways - but she will always buy me a cart full of food just for me ~
The thing I don't like is all the people, every which way, and the aisles upon aisles of unnecessary, utterly unhealthy items people call 'food'.  I just wish the grocery stores would expand their produce and bakery section and shrink the rest; all the processed, refined sugar crap things should be gone as well as most of the meat section.  Okay here's the thing with meat - if you eat meat and you like it, fine, but at least buy it straight from a farm - a farm that doesn't feed 10 billion antibiotics and a farm where your meat is at least fresh and healthy.   Most people don't know it takes 10 days from the time of slaughter to get to your grocery cart and the only reason the meat doesn't look grey and unhealthy is because of carbon monoxide treatment.  So whatever you choose to eat, at least eat it in it's healthy form.

Also, my mom and I didn't argue and had quite a loving week :]  she was pleasantly surprised by my visit and quite happy!  I think that know that I am older she can more easily get closer and relate and it's nice ~ it feels nice.

Dancing, eating, drinking tazo tea - don't know what to make of this?

Yesterday I went skating for 2 hours :"]  it cold and I skated for 2 hours = great exercise.  I have also had the house to myself in the mornings, so I put on muchmusic and dance around drinking passion tazo tea ♥  downside I have been eating 'a lot', more than I'd like - but it's all relatively healthy, especially compared to what I usually eat back in Montréal.  Like my body just wanted to eat all the apples, cherry tomatoes, peaches and pickles.   I had about 5 sandwiches yesterday, an apple, cherry tomatoes, peach, and LOTS of  tea.

Good thing is I still have a bit of my laxatives left :]  took 5 last night ~ also I fit into my 12 year old sisters clothes now!  I fit into her 14 year old girl pants (but she's tallish, she's as tall as me = 5'1.5 inches).   So happy that I raided her closet >:] mwahahha

Surprises, tears, stress, exams and just shitty, but great.

Not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but I'm going back to my parents for the reading week which is aka this week.  I absolutely cannot wait to see my siblings, especially the two youngest :3 they're still both in elementary school, and just oh soooo adorable and I love them soooo (I love my other 2 siblings as well - but since the other two are closer to age to me, we're more like BFF's) . 

I have been soo tired, and despite having 3 exams and a paper all within 5 days of each other, I managed to survive like I do every time exams come up.   It actually seemed really short looking back on it.   To add to the tiredness, the same manager that did the schedules at my work for January started doing the again for next week (week of Feb. 24th) and he gave me one shift.  One 4.5 hour fucking shift.   Listen, I asked for 15-20 hours; I worked 22 hours this past week (the week of my exams) and now you're dropping my hours? nuh uh I have bills to pay.   I nearly started crying when I talked to him about it, and I burst out crying once I left.   However, this morning when I was working he came over and asked how I feel and he's sorry for yesterday, that there was miscommunication etc.  I think it's because my other manager saw me about to cry last night after talking to him/heard since she was only a few feet away and decided to talk to him. Anyways good news is he said he'd start giving me more hours :]  and he changed my 4.5 hour shift to a 9 hour shift.   Hallelujah, I was on the verge of totally not knowing what to do with myself, cause bills need to get paid, rent and food and laxatives (shameful spending on my part...) and cell phone and bus pass and the rest of my tuition. 

I don't understand how people say they cannot work more than 8 hours a week during university (aheem my older brother *cough* *cough*).   I worked 17 - 22 hours on average a week last semester and I still managed to get A's and one B+.    If you put effort into it, and give up your social life it's not that difficult, plus there's something very satisfying about being self sufficient ~ 
I'm also thinking, that once this semester is over at the end of April, I want to apply to the 24/7h grocery store, that way I could pick up a few extra hours at night without it interfering with my retail job. 

Back to my reading week, I'm happy I'm going back to my parents for the week because I get to mooch off them: meaning I'll be bringing back shampoo, conditioner, lotion, ketchup, pickles, canned beans, laundry detergent etc.   The only thing I'm dreading is the eating - gotta eat at least semi - normally at my parents house or my mother will go hysterical.

Pondering on unpleasant things.

These last two days I have really been reminiscing on the past.  On the bad things, like how my mother never loved me.  I think she always wanted to be able to love me, but for some reason just wasn't able to and I think she was angry at herself for that.   Maybe it was because I was her first daughter, but I wasn't turning out the way she had hoped.  Maybe it was because she had 2 other children by the time I was 7 and they were sweeter and newer than me. Then when I started getting bigger and rounder and gaining independence at the end of elementary school she really snapped.  Perhaps she had enough of everything going wrong in her life - from her childhood to marriage - and me not turning out the way she wanted me to, and her not being able to love me as a mother should, well I think she just bottled it all up and let it out on me.  

I mean it didn't get that bad until about gr.9, but gr.10 was the absolute worse.  It got to the point where my alcoholic father, who doesn't really care about anyone actually stepped in and had a long talk with my mom on how she treats me (after I yelled at him one night,  telling him how wrong this was and I was doing nothing wrong - but the fact is that in the end he took my side).   It got to the point where my older brother (and my mothers favourite child) would stand up for me if he was home, and it got to the point where my younger siblings realized by themselves that my mother did not like me.   My younger brother, after getting into an argument one time over something trivial, told me that I suck and that even mom hates me and that it's obvious she hates me.   I know that he said that in the heat of the moment, but it was true.  He apologized later, but told me that the way mom treats me doesn't really seem like she likes me. 

I think that once she knew I was going away for university, once I started losing weight, once I started becoming someone she could boast about to her friends; that is when she became a bit nicer.  Even now, I cannot go back for more than a week at a time, but our relationship is better and I think she has come to love me know that I am an adult and the fact we can relate more.  I have come to understand that her life didn't turn out and that she's constantly stressed, so I try to be there emotionally for her.   She may have been mean and sometimes just plain horrible to me when I was living with her, but she's still my mom - it's just I wish I knew why she treated me that way and why her temper is always short with me.   I know I wasn't the easiest child, but no child is easy and I was by no means a troublemaker.   I don't understand why it was me out of all my other siblings, why did she dislike me so much?  

Internal battle.

I am having this internal battle with myself.  There is a strong nagging for me to try recovery to a certain degree.  A part of me is screaming  "Look what you are doing to yourself!" and that part of me is saying that I cannot keep doing this: I am so exhausted, my body's running out of fuel and on the outside I just pretend to go on like normal, but I just can't continue.   My bones ache, my joints flare up; my muscles get achy and cramp even when I don't do anything physical; my eyes water non-stop and ache & hurt; my skin gets patches of dry, scaly skin; my head pounds; I get weak and shaky a lot of the time and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. 
Apart of me, however, wants to keep going.   I want to see how far I can push myself, how much more I can take, because this addiction - I am not ready to leave behind.  It is my shelter, my mask, my comfort.   But another part of me is screaming to take the vitamins, the iron supplements, the medications.  Screaming at me to at least drink a meal replacement shake and to start using fiber powder instead of laxatives.  Screaming at me to stop. STOP. STOP


STOP.


STOP .


STOP .



but I don't think I can....maybe next month I will try.  Maybe, just maybe I'll try to attempt recovery - and maybe one day I will be better.

Hiding. Because I was always good at hide and seek.

My tumblr has recently been filled with such pretty things: flowers, tea sets, cartoon and childish pictures of teddy bears and pink glitter, rilakkuma, twin stars, hello kitty & my melody, hearts, strawberries and anything else that reminds me of the simplicity of being a child and not focusing on reality.  These things bring me comfort, because I can mask my true self through them.  I mask my self through my main tumblr, fabricating an intricate lie about myself for people to believe.  Well I guess it's not a lie in a whole, but it does stray from the whole truth leaving  a big portion out, and thus leaving behind a story quite different than the one I am living in.

Poem by me, that I spontaneously wrote out, just now.  It's just my feelings blurted out in words, and may not even seem like a poem.
 


I am weak and sad,
The blood flowing through my veins is watered down fruit punch;
No nutrition within at all.
My hair is turning to straw,
My hands to jelly, as they shake and the blood
Like a waterfall, falls down from my face
All the time my heart is dancing faster and faster;
It feels like the time of the mute music has increased,
And my heart needs to follow,
But my body cannot keep up.
The pounding in my chest makes me want to heave
And it feels like I have the whole world within me.
The whole world needing to get out
I need it to get out
But how?
No time to think
I just sit
Shaking,
Heart thumping,
Vision blurring,
Perhaps dying,
And I slowly sip some water
Realizing this will all repeat again.