First day back and I feel like I'm in chaos rather then having a break.

So I truly thought this was a great time to go back and visit my parents and siblings, because as it so happens I am in the middle of a quarter life crisis and felt I truly needed a bit of a break; turns out my hopes were short lived.  I honestly should have expected this, as it always happens when I come home and has always been the case in my home; an alcoholic father (who denies ever drinking, when he drinks 2 bottles of wine a night plus beer or whiskey)  and a mother easily agitated because of all the stress around her and I feel like I need to be the support pillar for my mother (and all my friends), when all I need right now is a little support and understanding from someone.  I feel like a wreck, and feel more suicidal today than I have in the last 2 weeks, and it is only my first day out of seven back home. Jesus fucking christ.
I don't want to be here anymore, anywhere at all; I want to disappear because then maybe everything else will disappear as well; all my problems and all my flaws.

I'm lost, but I don't feel it.

Confusing title, because I am utterly and truly confused.  Some days I wake up and think "I don't have a problem; this is all in my head and I'm fine.  Sure I take laxatives daily, and throw up and restrict and binge, but I am not out of control.  I am not disordered. I am fine and just over dramatic." Yet, I know this is not so. I know because if someone else did what I do on a daily basis, I would tell them they need help; yet I cannot help, but feel this way sometimes. 

I have also been craving to start etching once again, but I haven't for fear I will start self harming again (as the razor on the etching knives are extremely sharp and cut the skin very easily; my old one is at my parents house, but it is all rusted from the blood and so I would have to buy a new one and I know that if I do, my thighs will be all sliced up again).  I wish I could do things that I enjoy, without fear of hurting myself; just like with drinking, I become dangerously reckless and suicidal (without of course verbally expressing it and blaming the injuries on the alcohol). 

I think my biggest problem is that I hate myself, and no matter how far I move; no matter the amount of friends I make or let go of; no matter how much I change my appearance; the fact remains I cannot run away from myself, but I don't know how to face myself.  I don't know the solution to my problem;  my problem being myself and my hatred for myself.  What is the solution? How do I overcome this, because god knows I have tried and yet here I am with a problem bigger than it began.

(on Mont Royal)

  

 You cannot find peace by avoiding life - V. Woolf. 

I AM NOT AN OBJECT OF YOUR SEXUAL DESIRES: I AM NOT AN OBJECT PERIOD. I AM NOT A CHILD AND I AM NOT INVISIBLE. I AM A FUCKING HUMAN BEING.

sometimes I get on the verge of tears from the way people, and especially men whom I encounter treat me.  I just want to talk with you without you saying freaky stuff like "I want to do _____ and ________ to you." and "come cuddle and have sex. now."  NO I fucking won't and keep that shit to yourself; it's disturbing to hear everytime you write what you want to do with me, because it only shows how you only view me as a sexual object.  FUCKING NO. men are vile.  not all men, but the most recent men I have come into contact with are vile, unashamed, disgusting low lives.

All around there are poisons.

Honestly, not only are a lot of common household plants and flowers poisonous, but some plants we eat are as well; at least part of the plants that is.   For example rhubarb leaves are poisonous and mixing them with water and soda makes them even more so; green potatoes (obviously since they belong to the nightshade family),  the leaves and stems of tomatoes, the pits of cherries and bitter almonds that aren't heat treated (though most countries have either made them illegal or made all almonds heat treated).   There are also a startling amount of plants you can find around in nearby forests and ravines that contain poison, either from the flower or stem or leaves; lets not forget all the poisons around us in the products we use, even common eye drops when ingested cause one to fall ill with the runs and terrible stomach pains. I also forgot to mention castor oil; you see castor seeds contain a deadly poison called ricin (a protein), however the castor oil is heat treated during the process and therefore causing the protein to become inactive; thank goodness for that, because castor oil is used in A LOT of products ranging from cosmetics to food packaging to medicines etc.

 Rhubarb leaves; they appear harmless, but are quite the contrary.

I kinda sound like an advertisement/fact teller, but I'm just fascinated with plants and their uses and so happened to stumble upon other forms of poison while researching (I swear to god I am not a dark evil person; maybe I should switch my career choice to botanist ;] )

On another note I am going to see Star Trek into the Darkness tonight ♥  I haven't been out in awhile so I kinda need this, although I am not looking forward to paying however much it costs for a 3D admission -_- I still need to buy my bus tickets home and register for the conference...  Ahh the harsh life of a student living an adult life (ie living on my own means).


Laxatives also seem to be loosing their effectiveness again, which really sucks, because I hate having all that disgusting, fatty, chemical foods in my body for longer than a  few hours.  And I saw a picture of my friend and she's losing weight again, and I know it shouldn't, but it makes me so much more motivated to lose weight;  I haven't weighed myself in weeks so I honestly have no clue how much I weigh, but I have been walking a lot thanks to work and going on walks on Mount Royal. 

Realizations, but no solutions.

I've come to the realization, not too long ago, that I need help; I am unwell and I do not know how much longer I can keep going by myself.  Today on skype, I told my mother how sometimes I think about quitting university, working for a year, moving to Europe and doing university there.  But it would still be just as hard there as it is here, she told me, and I don't know I almost broke down crying, but I did not and I just avoided looking at the screen/her and I just told her again that it was all too hard for me.  She asked why I didn't stay in Toronto and I told her it would have been harder there; the rent is at the very minimum twice as expensive and public transportation is almost thrice that much.  We were both silent for a few seconds and then she suggested I move back and finish university at our university in my hometown (it is one of the highest ranking in Canada, and it's top party school).  I was a bit thrilled my mother had offered, but I have too much pride sometimes to move back and it is too late to transfer.   Even if I did decide for next year to transfer universities, not all my credits would go through and I wouldn't be able to live with my parents for so long; but I think I have come up with a compromise that may save me a bit next year.  I have decided for next summer I will sublet my apartment and stay 4 months with my parents and work at one of the two museums in my hometown.   Now I know it doesn't make sense for me to go back to my parents, but realizing how unwell I am and unstable, it just honestly scares me, and by being around people all the time (my siblings, my parents etc) and by having my parents still be a little controlling, I think I could relax a bit more and not be so afraid and isolated and scared of myself for what I might do to myself. Sometimes I hope; despite how horrible it is; that my heart may stop from all the abuse I have been putting my body through, and that I am somehow saved and thus my parents find out and take me home/I get put into treatment and this is where I am losing my train of thought and everything becomes unclear and I no longer know what I wanted to say or what the conclusion of this thought/paragraph was.

But I do not think I can last until next summer.  I am way to far over in this, and it's not going away.  I don't think it ever will.

All good things must come to an end.

I'm referring to that feeling I had a week or so ago when I just felt calm, like I didn't want to die.  Well here I am once again feeling that awful feeling and not wanting to live.  I know I sound so casual talking about it, but it's just something I experience so often that I have normalized it to a certain degree; but I also don't want to die.  If I could I would re-make myself; get a new id, new birth certificate, new age and move to a different country and start university all over and finally live my life.   Even if I did manage to get a new id and everything I couldn't just leave because people wouldn't know what really happened and I think it would really hurt my siblings and parents more than suicide.  On the subject of siblings and parents, I think my sister has major hormonal problems/imbalances at which my mother got mad at me for when I told her this through skype (anything hormonal/psychiatric/any health problems that have anything to do with behaviour is huge stigma with my mother).   I skyped my mother, who was really upset, because it turns out my sister; my 12 year old sister; called my mother a  "stupid fucking bitch" for no reason.  They weren't even having an argument.  Basically they were walking from the bus stop and my mother told my sister that she made her favourite salad and my sister responded by saying "I didn't even want that you stupid fucking bitch."  Yes that is way out of line for any child to say to a parent; downright disrespectful and my mother cried for two hours afterwards.  The thing is though that my sister was totally happy and suddenly turned angry, and this happens often.  She can be happy and fine and the next minute she is mad at everyone and acting like everyone is doing something wrong. My family is not rich, my sister is not spoiled like most kids, and she was very sick when she was a toddler and had to take strong medication and steroids for it and I honestly think it just wacked her hormones/something is not right, because that is not 'normal' behaviour. Anyways I told this to my mom, as it is concerning, and she just shut me down.  She accused me of trying to make my sister into a 'sick' person, when really all I said was maybe she has a hormone problem and maybe she should take her to the doctor because this has been going on for years.  Okay so I'll let my mother do what she thinks is best, but this just opened up a discussion about our own relationship with each other, which made me realize how broken our relationship really is; which I already knew, but sometimes it's nice to ignore the ugly stuff we can in our lives; and then my mother said something that made me want to mend this relationship.  Not leave it in the corner and go on stepping over dust and broken glass, but actually clean it up and start anew.   My mother said "I only ever cried at your birth. Out of all five children I only cried for you."  I didn't understand so I asked why and she told me "because you were a girl.  I finally had a daughter, I was so happy. You were my first girl." And now I feel even more lost than ever, because all this time I believed my mother wanted to love me, but couldn't, yet it seems she loved me enough to cry only for me when I was born; now I have to try and rearrange and organize and construct new theories and ideas to make sense of our relationship and behaviours to one another. 

I'm honestly thinking if I can't figure things out; everything and just a few things; I might go to a florist and buy a plant or two of poisonous flowers and drink them as tea or put them in my salads (depending on the plant).  This way it will take a few days/weeks, would most likely not look like suicide and gives me time to change my mind and/or tie up lose ends and get all my business in order.
If I did do this, it would not be now, I would wait until August or September maybe.  I don't know things change, hopefully they will for the better. 

decisions, decisions, decisions and tears.

So I ended up crying today at work; nothing particular just stress that was building up for awhile (perhaps all the stress from finals and moving that I just bottled up?).   Anyways it was super embarrassing, and I could feel I was going to cry, but I was trying so hard not to and right before I did (I was working fitting rooms) one of the clients coming back out could tell I was going to cry and he gave me a sympathetic look and gently touched my shoulder. Afterwards I went to the back of our area in fitting rooms where the racks of clothes are and started crying, but I realized I was going to cry and I mean heave and gasp cry so I ran to the bathroom in the employee lounge.  One of my managers heard what happened and she was really nice about it and said that sometimes clients can get to you and that just yesterday she almost cried, and felt tears welling up from a really rude customer.  I have great coworkers and amazing managers and I'm so grateful ♥  

I'm also having the dilemma if I want to start seeing a psychiatrist, because I found this amazing clinic and they do a sliding scale (I think I mentioned this before, but they charge based on income).  But I am so nervous to call and set up an appointment and what if they don't take me seriously or think I need to be seeing them; I'm so nervous :[
I'll decide by next payday if I am going to or not.

Finally all moved in and university is over until september :']

Hot nights, damp sheets and phantom smells

So packing everything into my dad's minivan was stressful, but once we got to my new apartment, everything went smoothly.  My dad and I actually spent a good 7 hours outside afterwards, visiting two museums and walking up to the top of Mount Royal, and it was super hot; felt like 30 degrees with the sun beating down on you, which was super nice.   The nights have also been hot, which is a bit of a bother, but I'm not going to complain since I love summer and hot weather.   I think this weather and this move have prompted a more positive me; I'm trying to take better care of myself by washing my face daily, moisturizing, getting enough sleep etc.   I have also started wearing make up (mascara), but I think I will stop since I just prefer going natural and my eyes have been doing this weird thing where they sting and start to tear up so bad tears stream down my face (I think it's because of wearing mascara?). 

Also I had 'scary' dream, well not scary persay, but unpleasant:  basically people were saying I needed help with my throwing up and laxative abuse and so they got this lady to come talk with me and after talking for a bit I said something (which I cannot remember what) and her face kinda looked shocked; she then said "oh I thought this was for attention, not a real case of eating disorder" (or something like that) at which point I panicked and told her we could make a deal, and that if I started eating normal and not purging she wouldn't tell anyone.   I also had these two friends who kept following me everywhere/not letting me be by myself cause they had to 'take care of me' (because of my purging) and didn't want me to run away.   It left an unsettling feeling in me once I woke up.   I don't know, I just don't really like dreams like that.  
My heart/circulation/body have all been doing odd things lately, which I will not get into right now as it is late and I need to get up early tomorrow, but it's a bit frightening yet a bit thrilling at the same time.