I'm lost, but I don't feel it.

Confusing title, because I am utterly and truly confused.  Some days I wake up and think "I don't have a problem; this is all in my head and I'm fine.  Sure I take laxatives daily, and throw up and restrict and binge, but I am not out of control.  I am not disordered. I am fine and just over dramatic." Yet, I know this is not so. I know because if someone else did what I do on a daily basis, I would tell them they need help; yet I cannot help, but feel this way sometimes. 

I have also been craving to start etching once again, but I haven't for fear I will start self harming again (as the razor on the etching knives are extremely sharp and cut the skin very easily; my old one is at my parents house, but it is all rusted from the blood and so I would have to buy a new one and I know that if I do, my thighs will be all sliced up again).  I wish I could do things that I enjoy, without fear of hurting myself; just like with drinking, I become dangerously reckless and suicidal (without of course verbally expressing it and blaming the injuries on the alcohol). 

I think my biggest problem is that I hate myself, and no matter how far I move; no matter the amount of friends I make or let go of; no matter how much I change my appearance; the fact remains I cannot run away from myself, but I don't know how to face myself.  I don't know the solution to my problem;  my problem being myself and my hatred for myself.  What is the solution? How do I overcome this, because god knows I have tried and yet here I am with a problem bigger than it began.

(on Mont Royal)

  

 You cannot find peace by avoiding life - V. Woolf.