My purging has gotten vicious.

I hate when I have horrible binge//purge cycles.  I have eaten almost all the food I have (with exception of a few cans of beans and condiments such as ketchup and mustard).  Not buying anything until Saturday evening, in attempts to curb my binges, because this has got to stop. Not exactly fasting, just going to be consuming absolute zero energy drinks, as well as some non-fat vanilla yogurt; also thinking of maybe doing an 8 day juice/tea detox to help relax/slightly heal my body after all the bingeing and constant purging (yes, this would mean I would not take laxatives for the duration of the fast).   Not sure if I'll do it yet, but I'm considering it.  

On the other hand, I am not sure whether to be pleased with my laxative abuse or terrified at how much I have been taking lately.  A bit TMI, but for the last two days I have been going to the point where nothing, but these "sediments" come out; which I read means there's nothing more in the intestines to push out.   Bad part of this is that when one increases an already abnormal number of laxatives to take daily, you find yourself in more pain than previously.  And I mean stabbing, sharp, shooting, give you goosebumps sort of pain and the worse is when I get them at work. On the topic of laxatives I found this box at the pharmacy that says "purgative", it's about $17, and it says it's specifically for those doing a colonoscopy or intestinal x-ray/something else.   I think I may buy it on Friday and use it since I don't work on Saturday (hopefully my roommate is not back/home on the Saturday, because I feel like I will be in the bathroom ALL DAY).

Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Take 10 laxatives. Curl up in pain. Binge. Throw up till your throat is raw. Fast. Binge. Purge. Get headache and aches and pain from all the purging. Binge. Hate yourself. Purge. Purge. Purge. Purge till you see blood.  Purge till you see stars. Take more laxatives.  Stuffle the groans of pain in your pillow, as your body twists and turns from pain that feels like knives twisting your intestines this way and that.  Eat a tub of ice cream.  Throw up.  Cry. Binge. Purge. Binge.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I hate myself.  I hate these last few days.   I hate these last 4 years of this.

It's too fucking much.

Back in full swing, in all the wrong ways.

I ate two slices of pizza during my lunch at work and went to the bathroom and threw them up (or at least one and a bit).  Stayed there for awhile and came back into the lunchroom saying I thought something was in my eye; I hid my right hand as the index fingers knuckle was bright red, and I got one of the supervisors looking in the direction of my hand (placed on my lap), but I'm not worried, because it really is no one's business.  I'm throwing up and taking so many more laxatives and I'm going to be working till Friday (I will be working 9 days in a row), and by working a lot I can help with my financial stress/help me pay for when I go on vacation with a friend in July; also it takes my mind off of things and I tend to not binge/not binge a lot when I work.  My eyes also look really weird; kinda dull and greyish white where it should just be white.

 Gained 5lbs while visiting my parents, and let us say I was less then impressed with myself; I've become extremely pudgy over these last few months.

Everything hurts so bad

my chest, my upper back, my middle back, my throat; they are all extremely achy and hurt as if someone beat them up with a baseball bat.  Hurts so much I might take a hot shower even though it's almost midnight and might wake the nieghbours below me.   Not sure why I'm in soo much pain, but nothings helping.

It might also be due to the fact that on top of continuing my daily laxative use, I have also started throwing up almost daily again; back to the same old cycle, the tears, the heaving, the pain and containers filled with vomit (because risking having the pipes burst is too much for a uni student renting a place). Purging is disgusting; fucking gross.  Nasty, custy, ugly shit, but I always do it whether it's through laxatives or vomiting; I am a nasty lil' mess and I hate it.

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Also I think my liver is slowly starting to become slower than is normal, because when I drink I don't get a hangover the next day, instead I am still drunk.

Back from visiting my parents.

It was fun, a bit chaotic, and I got wasted on saturday for my birthday.  It was great.  Also had a chest x-ray and full abdominal ultra sound on monday, cause I told my doctor about my night sweats on Thursday and she said it might be my lymph nodes or thyroid?

Also my mom bought me a cute outfit for my birthday ♥ and I drank whisky and rum and vodka and just got drunk for the first time in like 8 months and it was great (apparently I almost caused my brother, who picked me up from downtown at 3 am, to almost crash 3 times....).    

Lots to update on and will do that sometime within the next few days.