~

I really can't cope anymore.


I don't know what to do anymore.

Sitting in the library crying. Everything's wrong.

I hate being a disappointment - I had two classes last semester with this professor and I did REALLY well in both courses and this semester I have a course with him again and I received like a B on my first midterm and I completely failed the second midterm today (it was online so I got my results back).  He’s going to be so disappointed and I can’t face him telling me anything cause I’m so stressed as it is and I can’t deal with disappointments.  Going to try and make the term paper really good to make up for it, but it’s so hard with 5 courses a week, 20 hours or more of work, and 2 other essays on top of that.  I’m trying - I really am and that’s why it sucks because I’m getting back horrid results.
 I really can't take it anymore - I don't have energy to keep all this up plus my laxative abuse.  I have been drinking energy drinks everyday for the past week to keep me going, but a part of me also hopes all those energy drinks make my heart stop. 
I am disappointment to myself and those around me and I honestly CANNOT deal with being a failure and disappointment; really I can't.
I am on the verge of bursting into tears.  I am so tired, I have taken so many laxatives because that's what I do normally and when stressed I take even more.  My body is wearing down, my eyes hurt so much whenever I venture out into daylight, and I swear my eyesight is worsening.  The outsides of my eyes (like eyelids) are becoming this odd shade/pigment of brownish pinkish oranges and purple pink underneath my eyes - it just looks odd and even though I am utterly exhausted it takes me awhile to fall asleep and I wake up only a few hours later.

*It's kinda funny cause I was feeling semi-ok up until I did my exam and that just pushed me.

I want to disappear.  I want to go away.  I want to vanish.  I really am trying to deal with all of this and make it work, but it's not working and I'm failing at everything including basic life shit.  

tingling lips and muscle pains.

I have been keeping a calendar of symptoms for the month of March since I've been getting weird persistent things like my lips tingling, pins and needles on the soles of my feet and random leg pains as well as muscle pains, headaches and my legs and arms falling asleep easy - but it's like I may be getting worse, but I'm not getting smaller.  I just want to disappear, get away from all this stress. It's not about weight, it's about coping with stress and coping with my own existence.

no appetite, food, exams, papers, work - no time for sleep

So for the last week I have had practically no appetite (like a cup of rice a day or a few pieces of candy) because I was so busy and stressed and it was just a crazy week.  I had two papers to write and hand in; the first one I am pretty satisfied and don't think I made any erroneous or unsatisfactory conclusions and arguments.  The second essay, however, was a horrendous tragedy - a student from grade 7 could have probably written it.   I had such a hazy head, I honestly could not think straight and I wrote my essay but it is short, and simple and probably sounds something like "apples can come in various colours ranging from blahhh blahh blahh"  The worse part is that that is the course I am doing terrible in;  all my other courses are going great, but this one? nuh uhh just horribly bad - not to mention Friday (the day it was due) was just terrible in general.  I couldn't even take a 2 hour nap, because although I was tired and my body needed rest, it was just not falling asleep.  I was shaky, and cold and feeling ill and so I called in sick for the first time since working at my store (since August), went to bed instead and woke up 2 hours later with stomach pains, went to the bathroom and then took a bad tumble in the bathroom bruising up my calf pretty badly.  As I go to get some groceries and pain meds from the pharmacy, my intestines decide to flare up again and I honest to goodness gracious wasn't sure if I was going to make it back to my apartment in time.  Thankfully I did and sat in the bathroom for at least 30 minutes. Needless to say my whole digestive system decided to throw a tantrum - including my esophagus and stomach.  

I'm in for another crazy week: I worked all weekend, working Monday( tomorrow), Friday and Saturday and I have 2 exams this week - one tomorrow and one on Wednesday and then have two more essays next week.  Oh dear....how on earth am I going to do this?

Some pictures I took during the busy and stressful week - taking pictures helps me cope with stress a bit. 

  

This actually turned out decently cool :] 

 

I can't do this anymore.

.

I broke down crying while skyping my mother.  Everything is just too much and all the stress and everything has gotten too far and I started bawling.  My mother told me that I'm lonely and need someone - she even said I should do one night stands or just a sex friend because she told me I miss someone else's touch and she's right.  Other than the people I talk to at work and sometimes in my lectures I am completely lonely.  I have isolated myself (mostly financial, since I cannot afford to go out) and hang out with no one, have no friends here, have so much school work and papers to write, work a lot to make ends meet and come home to do more school work, or eat, or sleep.  I am terribly lonely and it's killing me. 
My mother even said that if I need to my dad could drive up all the way here and stay with me for a week, but that would be a) in my space ad b) what's the point if I'm either at school or work and what would we even do? 
I think I freaked my mother out a bit, but I just don't know what to do, I can't hold it in.
If wisterias grew this time of year and I stumbled upon them, I would put them in a sandwich and eat them, go to sleep and (hopefully) never wake up.

Back pain, calf pain, and rotting teeth.

Okay so my teeth aren't 'rotting' per say, but they have started going see-through, kinda grey at the bottoms of the teeth (both top and bottom rows).  It's disgusting.  I brush my teeth twice a day, sometimes more and they have started to look sickly :[  From what I searched on the internet and asked it is probably a calcium/general mineral deficiency.
And everything aches and I get random abrupt pains in random places on my body ~ someone come give me a personal massage?

Also I took some pictures of myself yesterday in my Marvel shirt (more for myself, but I'll post some on here since I view this as a personal journal/diary).

Horrible cravings.

I have been having the most extreme salt and sugar cravings for the past month at least.  These last 2 weeks have mostly been extreme sugar cravings:  basically eating toast with jam, rice with jam, rice with almond milk and brown sugar, and jam.   They are all soo loaded with sugar it's insane and I'm never satisfied :[
Also I think I missed my period this month (knock on wood, last time I thought that I got it 5 days later) - maybe it's late again and I'm just having really long,  MAJOR pms cravings.
Who knows.
But I wish they would go away, it is so distracting and getting on my nerves.

 

Not a great photo, but it's rice, almond milk and mangoes - it's soo good and soo sweet.

 

Secondly:  started sewing again...kinda.  I set up my machine, and finally started cutting the fabric for my summer dress and a cute floral skirt.  The skirt is really simple and since it's just a elastic band at the waist I don't really need to worry about size.  The dress on the other hand I made smaller, because, well I want to be smaller.  I know sounds messed up, but it sort of motivates me :]

Thirdly,  I am absolutely lethargic, lazy, tired, not concentrated and really need to get my butt into gear.

 

Just a few randomish pictures that I feel relate to how I feel; I am tired and feel ignored, like everyone sees me as a human shape, but never actually sees me (the reason you can't see their faces).

Sleep.

I'm a person who feels too much - sensitive to other people's feelings and struggles, even movies make me cry a lot.  The bad usually overwhelms the good.
But sometimes I feel too much about myself, my situation, my reality and it's so intense, it overwhelms me.  Days like today and the weekend are days where I wish I could go numb.  Sometimes it happens, no feelings, no emotions and I prefer it over days like today.  I have only gone to work and class and have stayed in bed doing nothing productive even though I have papers due soon.  I'm tired, so tired.
And I want to die, but I don't.
But the disdain I feel for my life is too much.

I'm going to bed even though it's only 5pm.

These moments and these days.

I don't know what happened.  Everything was going great today and once I finished work and left it all just hit me, you know?  Every now and then I realize that reality is not as nice and wonderful as I pretend it to be.  I realize I am more than $15 000 in debt, that nobody actually cares what comes out of my mouth, that I am a young girl working 17 - 20 hours a week, barely if at all making ends meet, taking 5 courses at uni and an online course, no partying or hanging out because I have no money.  I am financially stressed and lonely beyond words, beyond feelings, beyond comprehension. 
The thoughts have started coming back more frequently as well; every time I walk across the overpass above the freeway I look down and think how easy it would be to simply step over and fall.
Every time I'm waiting for the subway I think how easy to walk off the platform, how tragic it would be if I was standing too close and someone bumped into me.  But those are horrible ways to get killed, not for the person being killed, but for those around, for the driver, for the witnesses.  It would be absolutely selfish - easy, but selfish and shameful.
It's days and nights and hours and weeks and years like right now that I realize how terribly alone I am and how much I really do despise myself. 
Sometimes I wonder if I took a few weeks off and just went into the wilderness alone, would great Mother Nature change me? would it help me find peace with myself?  because I'm desperate to stop feeling this storm inside me.
Desperate to finally be happy and okay with myself.
Desperate for love.


I hate myself so much I'm crying right now and feel like I need to run somewhere, get away cause I'm crawling out of my skin and need to get away from me. 

Laxatives. Laxatives. Laxatives.

They're horrible, they fuck with your body, they don't really do anything, they're addictive and I just bought a pack even though I said I'd wait till Friday.  Already took 5 - hopefully that and the 2 tablespoons of the fiber laxative I took last evening will kick in soon because I feel so heavy, bloated and disgusting and just not good at all.

bad memory.

I have such a bad memory and with the busyness of my work I completely blank out.  There were so many times today where I took someone's number back, would take their clothes and ask for their number because for the life of me I could not remember taking it.  It's like I don't retain a lot of things, a tad bit scary.  However I have had one episode as a child where I totally blanked out a good 2 minutes of memory - the only reason I knew I lost 2 minutes of my memory was because my brother and mother were kinda freaked out/thought I was joking when I asked to see the new photos my mother got developed, turns out just a minute before I sat down and went through all the photos (there were around 60 of them), but for the life of me I could not remember doing that.  Now it's just the normal bad forgetfulness, except it's getting a bit freaky/excessive, but I was pretty tired today so that probably contributed to it.

 

I have this thing where I like taking pictures of my eye/side of face. 

So tired.  I have no money for laxatives like I mentioned before so I have been using the fiber laxative one and I end up having to take at least 4 times more just to be able to poop in 2 days.  It's been horrible, the only good thing is my appetite has decreased (most probably from not going to the bathroom 3 or more times a day like I usually did).  Dislike this so much, not having laxatives I mean.  Gonna buy some on friday though :] Also cancelling my monthly cell phone plan and going with a pay as you go, cause I'd rather have the money to spend on laxatives - I'm horrid and my priorities are skewed and I have an addiction to laxatives.  I know all this and am okay with it. I just want my laxatives, which brings me to me to my Skype date with a friend.  I'm telling my friend how dangerous laxatives are and how she should talk to our other friend (the one who was hospitalized for anorexia) cause I saw some laxatives in her room when I was over back home last week. I am such a hypocrite.

Just a quick update.

This picture of me accurately depicts how I feel: tired of fucking everything. 

That plus I'm dreading of waking up to soaking sheets, a damp sweaty me and the smell of ammonia/urine - I've been getting horrid night sweats for no reason at all.

it's like I'm rainbow - postive outlook = positive experiences

I had a 9hr shift at work today (yay for the hours :]  nay for my feet ;[ ) and decided I would be really positive and happy; and not like my usually happy, more like "I will not allow anything to piss me off" happy.  It was absolutely marvelous!  There's a girl who sometimes works with me in the fitting room, but always handles the clothes, never the customers and it always sorta irks me (because some customers can be very rude and quite stuck up,  plus you usually rotate so one person doesn't always have to stay at the front) but today I didn't let it bother me and I got to know her more and she's actually quite a nice person :]
Downside of today is that about 2 hours before I finished I started getting a headache and my eyes were glazed so bad - I noticed it as I was walking past a mirror and I caught my reflection. They were so glazed, it was honestly odd - googled it when I got home and the first two pages basically tell me it's hypoglycemia aka low blood sugar.  So I ate one pita bread and my headache disappeared awhile after, so it really might have been a drop in sugar.  I'm going to sneak some peppermints or some small sweet candies into my apron when I go to work, because I do not want to repeat what happened at the beginning of December. Nuh - uh cause I can't afford to miss work, I need all the hours I can get. Oh and that reminds me! I have started being scheduled for my requested hours of 15 - 20 hours a week :] so happy ♥

Cardiac arrests.

I decided to read a wikipedia entry about her life and death, as well as some articles and it is sad, but it doesn't seem that tragic.  It was an ill-twisted fate, to collapse and die;  and I mean most people who struggle with eating disorders (not saying she had one) if they die will sometimes die this way.  Just collapse with no pulse.  Obviously Murphy's death had different factors playing into it, but the fact is most of us purging and restricting and abusing have elevated chances of our heart just stopping.  

I have just started taking an online Physiology course and am just sort of starting to understand just how important electrolytes (especially sodium and potassium) are.  I have always known it's dangerous to have electrolyte imbalances, but it just never really sinks in or scares me, but it's these imbalances along with malnutrition, dehydration etc that will cause your heart to stop.  It's kinda sad really, and I wonder if it happened to me would they be able to tell I threw up and abused laxatives?

32 is a bit young, even for me.  I'd like to live to at least 38, although I don't know if I will. 

Death is one of those things that's hard to have control over.