blood, sooo much pain ~

I don't know why, but since about Saturday (while still at my parents house) I started getting more frequent abdominal pains and just like what the fuck?  I took one ONE fucking laxative today! O  N  E!! and normally I take an excess of 6 (usually 6 - 10) in one day.   But today I took one and yet I still got such terrible, terrible pain in my left abdomen.   I don't know, I just never expect to get such bad/severe pain when I haven't taken practically any laxatives today.   Also I have more recently had blood when going to the bathroom - can't figure out if it's a hemorrhoid or whatever it's called (apparently they can be internal) but I don't feel pain when going so I don't think it's serious.

This was last week at my parent's house: cheerios with almond milk and half an apple cut up ♥

also I have no money for laxatives (my cards are maxed out, and I have rent to pay and just paid for March bus pass), but I have this fiber laxative powder I bought back in November/December  so I'll use that for the time being - it doesn't dissolve very well though :/ 

I have been trying to take better care of myself, as in moisturize daily, and do stretches and some exercise everyday.   I'm still debating if I want to start a shake diet, so scared of getting better and it pisses me off at how much of a baby and not responsible of a person I am.

Surprisingly it was a nice trip home.

Surprisingly, my week that I spent at my parents house was rather pleasant without disputes or arguments and just lots of cooking, grocery shopping and talking ♥  The grocery shopping was nice and a bit horrid at the same time.  I like going grocery shopping with my mom, because it is usually food I don't eat anyways - but she will always buy me a cart full of food just for me ~
The thing I don't like is all the people, every which way, and the aisles upon aisles of unnecessary, utterly unhealthy items people call 'food'.  I just wish the grocery stores would expand their produce and bakery section and shrink the rest; all the processed, refined sugar crap things should be gone as well as most of the meat section.  Okay here's the thing with meat - if you eat meat and you like it, fine, but at least buy it straight from a farm - a farm that doesn't feed 10 billion antibiotics and a farm where your meat is at least fresh and healthy.   Most people don't know it takes 10 days from the time of slaughter to get to your grocery cart and the only reason the meat doesn't look grey and unhealthy is because of carbon monoxide treatment.  So whatever you choose to eat, at least eat it in it's healthy form.

Also, my mom and I didn't argue and had quite a loving week :]  she was pleasantly surprised by my visit and quite happy!  I think that know that I am older she can more easily get closer and relate and it's nice ~ it feels nice.

Dancing, eating, drinking tazo tea - don't know what to make of this?

Yesterday I went skating for 2 hours :"]  it cold and I skated for 2 hours = great exercise.  I have also had the house to myself in the mornings, so I put on muchmusic and dance around drinking passion tazo tea ♥  downside I have been eating 'a lot', more than I'd like - but it's all relatively healthy, especially compared to what I usually eat back in Montréal.  Like my body just wanted to eat all the apples, cherry tomatoes, peaches and pickles.   I had about 5 sandwiches yesterday, an apple, cherry tomatoes, peach, and LOTS of  tea.

Good thing is I still have a bit of my laxatives left :]  took 5 last night ~ also I fit into my 12 year old sisters clothes now!  I fit into her 14 year old girl pants (but she's tallish, she's as tall as me = 5'1.5 inches).   So happy that I raided her closet >:] mwahahha

Surprises, tears, stress, exams and just shitty, but great.

Not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but I'm going back to my parents for the reading week which is aka this week.  I absolutely cannot wait to see my siblings, especially the two youngest :3 they're still both in elementary school, and just oh soooo adorable and I love them soooo (I love my other 2 siblings as well - but since the other two are closer to age to me, we're more like BFF's) . 

I have been soo tired, and despite having 3 exams and a paper all within 5 days of each other, I managed to survive like I do every time exams come up.   It actually seemed really short looking back on it.   To add to the tiredness, the same manager that did the schedules at my work for January started doing the again for next week (week of Feb. 24th) and he gave me one shift.  One 4.5 hour fucking shift.   Listen, I asked for 15-20 hours; I worked 22 hours this past week (the week of my exams) and now you're dropping my hours? nuh uh I have bills to pay.   I nearly started crying when I talked to him about it, and I burst out crying once I left.   However, this morning when I was working he came over and asked how I feel and he's sorry for yesterday, that there was miscommunication etc.  I think it's because my other manager saw me about to cry last night after talking to him/heard since she was only a few feet away and decided to talk to him. Anyways good news is he said he'd start giving me more hours :]  and he changed my 4.5 hour shift to a 9 hour shift.   Hallelujah, I was on the verge of totally not knowing what to do with myself, cause bills need to get paid, rent and food and laxatives (shameful spending on my part...) and cell phone and bus pass and the rest of my tuition. 

I don't understand how people say they cannot work more than 8 hours a week during university (aheem my older brother *cough* *cough*).   I worked 17 - 22 hours on average a week last semester and I still managed to get A's and one B+.    If you put effort into it, and give up your social life it's not that difficult, plus there's something very satisfying about being self sufficient ~ 
I'm also thinking, that once this semester is over at the end of April, I want to apply to the 24/7h grocery store, that way I could pick up a few extra hours at night without it interfering with my retail job. 

Back to my reading week, I'm happy I'm going back to my parents for the week because I get to mooch off them: meaning I'll be bringing back shampoo, conditioner, lotion, ketchup, pickles, canned beans, laundry detergent etc.   The only thing I'm dreading is the eating - gotta eat at least semi - normally at my parents house or my mother will go hysterical.

Pondering on unpleasant things.

These last two days I have really been reminiscing on the past.  On the bad things, like how my mother never loved me.  I think she always wanted to be able to love me, but for some reason just wasn't able to and I think she was angry at herself for that.   Maybe it was because I was her first daughter, but I wasn't turning out the way she had hoped.  Maybe it was because she had 2 other children by the time I was 7 and they were sweeter and newer than me. Then when I started getting bigger and rounder and gaining independence at the end of elementary school she really snapped.  Perhaps she had enough of everything going wrong in her life - from her childhood to marriage - and me not turning out the way she wanted me to, and her not being able to love me as a mother should, well I think she just bottled it all up and let it out on me.  

I mean it didn't get that bad until about gr.9, but gr.10 was the absolute worse.  It got to the point where my alcoholic father, who doesn't really care about anyone actually stepped in and had a long talk with my mom on how she treats me (after I yelled at him one night,  telling him how wrong this was and I was doing nothing wrong - but the fact is that in the end he took my side).   It got to the point where my older brother (and my mothers favourite child) would stand up for me if he was home, and it got to the point where my younger siblings realized by themselves that my mother did not like me.   My younger brother, after getting into an argument one time over something trivial, told me that I suck and that even mom hates me and that it's obvious she hates me.   I know that he said that in the heat of the moment, but it was true.  He apologized later, but told me that the way mom treats me doesn't really seem like she likes me. 

I think that once she knew I was going away for university, once I started losing weight, once I started becoming someone she could boast about to her friends; that is when she became a bit nicer.  Even now, I cannot go back for more than a week at a time, but our relationship is better and I think she has come to love me know that I am an adult and the fact we can relate more.  I have come to understand that her life didn't turn out and that she's constantly stressed, so I try to be there emotionally for her.   She may have been mean and sometimes just plain horrible to me when I was living with her, but she's still my mom - it's just I wish I knew why she treated me that way and why her temper is always short with me.   I know I wasn't the easiest child, but no child is easy and I was by no means a troublemaker.   I don't understand why it was me out of all my other siblings, why did she dislike me so much?  

Internal battle.

I am having this internal battle with myself.  There is a strong nagging for me to try recovery to a certain degree.  A part of me is screaming  "Look what you are doing to yourself!" and that part of me is saying that I cannot keep doing this: I am so exhausted, my body's running out of fuel and on the outside I just pretend to go on like normal, but I just can't continue.   My bones ache, my joints flare up; my muscles get achy and cramp even when I don't do anything physical; my eyes water non-stop and ache & hurt; my skin gets patches of dry, scaly skin; my head pounds; I get weak and shaky a lot of the time and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. 
Apart of me, however, wants to keep going.   I want to see how far I can push myself, how much more I can take, because this addiction - I am not ready to leave behind.  It is my shelter, my mask, my comfort.   But another part of me is screaming to take the vitamins, the iron supplements, the medications.  Screaming at me to at least drink a meal replacement shake and to start using fiber powder instead of laxatives.  Screaming at me to stop. STOP. STOP


STOP.


STOP .


STOP .



but I don't think I can....maybe next month I will try.  Maybe, just maybe I'll try to attempt recovery - and maybe one day I will be better.

Hiding. Because I was always good at hide and seek.

My tumblr has recently been filled with such pretty things: flowers, tea sets, cartoon and childish pictures of teddy bears and pink glitter, rilakkuma, twin stars, hello kitty & my melody, hearts, strawberries and anything else that reminds me of the simplicity of being a child and not focusing on reality.  These things bring me comfort, because I can mask my true self through them.  I mask my self through my main tumblr, fabricating an intricate lie about myself for people to believe.  Well I guess it's not a lie in a whole, but it does stray from the whole truth leaving  a big portion out, and thus leaving behind a story quite different than the one I am living in.

Poem by me, that I spontaneously wrote out, just now.  It's just my feelings blurted out in words, and may not even seem like a poem.
 


I am weak and sad,
The blood flowing through my veins is watered down fruit punch;
No nutrition within at all.
My hair is turning to straw,
My hands to jelly, as they shake and the blood
Like a waterfall, falls down from my face
All the time my heart is dancing faster and faster;
It feels like the time of the mute music has increased,
And my heart needs to follow,
But my body cannot keep up.
The pounding in my chest makes me want to heave
And it feels like I have the whole world within me.
The whole world needing to get out
I need it to get out
But how?
No time to think
I just sit
Shaking,
Heart thumping,
Vision blurring,
Perhaps dying,
And I slowly sip some water
Realizing this will all repeat again. 

 

I feel boxed up and thinking of recovery?

 It has never really been about weight;  I first started throwing up as a coping mechanism for stress which progressed and eventually became an on/off  thing with restricting.  I would have weeks were I would binge and purge and weeks where I would restrict and fast and exercise.   This has been going on for three and a half years, and it's gotten to the point where I don't just want to get smaller, a lot smaller, but I want to get sicker as well.  I don't know, I don't really understand, but I know that's what I want.   Sitting here thinking about this I realized how silly and wrong I am being - I mean I could be a lot smaller by just drinking one or two vegan meal replacement shakes and I would be a lot healthier too.   But this kind of thought scares me; recovery scares me, but most of all being healthy and living a long life just
petrifies me for some reason. 

my legs: my calves have always bugged me.  You can kind of see them in the picture.

I don't know.  I may try a meal replacement diet with vegan acidophilus (bio-k) for the month of March without laxatives, but I'm not sure that would count as recovery?
Ahhh things are just too confusing and I make my life more complicated than it should be.