Pondering on unpleasant things.

These last two days I have really been reminiscing on the past.  On the bad things, like how my mother never loved me.  I think she always wanted to be able to love me, but for some reason just wasn't able to and I think she was angry at herself for that.   Maybe it was because I was her first daughter, but I wasn't turning out the way she had hoped.  Maybe it was because she had 2 other children by the time I was 7 and they were sweeter and newer than me. Then when I started getting bigger and rounder and gaining independence at the end of elementary school she really snapped.  Perhaps she had enough of everything going wrong in her life - from her childhood to marriage - and me not turning out the way she wanted me to, and her not being able to love me as a mother should, well I think she just bottled it all up and let it out on me.  

I mean it didn't get that bad until about gr.9, but gr.10 was the absolute worse.  It got to the point where my alcoholic father, who doesn't really care about anyone actually stepped in and had a long talk with my mom on how she treats me (after I yelled at him one night,  telling him how wrong this was and I was doing nothing wrong - but the fact is that in the end he took my side).   It got to the point where my older brother (and my mothers favourite child) would stand up for me if he was home, and it got to the point where my younger siblings realized by themselves that my mother did not like me.   My younger brother, after getting into an argument one time over something trivial, told me that I suck and that even mom hates me and that it's obvious she hates me.   I know that he said that in the heat of the moment, but it was true.  He apologized later, but told me that the way mom treats me doesn't really seem like she likes me. 

I think that once she knew I was going away for university, once I started losing weight, once I started becoming someone she could boast about to her friends; that is when she became a bit nicer.  Even now, I cannot go back for more than a week at a time, but our relationship is better and I think she has come to love me know that I am an adult and the fact we can relate more.  I have come to understand that her life didn't turn out and that she's constantly stressed, so I try to be there emotionally for her.   She may have been mean and sometimes just plain horrible to me when I was living with her, but she's still my mom - it's just I wish I knew why she treated me that way and why her temper is always short with me.   I know I wasn't the easiest child, but no child is easy and I was by no means a troublemaker.   I don't understand why it was me out of all my other siblings, why did she dislike me so much?