I am having this internal battle with myself. There is a strong nagging for me to try recovery to a certain degree. A part of me is screaming "Look what you are doing to yourself!" and that part of me is saying that I cannot keep doing this: I am so exhausted, my body's running out of fuel and on the outside I just pretend to go on like normal, but I just can't continue. My bones ache, my joints flare up; my muscles get achy and cramp even when I don't do anything physical; my eyes water non-stop and ache & hurt; my skin gets patches of dry, scaly skin; my head pounds; I get weak and shaky a lot of the time and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
Apart of me, however, wants to keep going. I want to see how far I can push myself, how much more I can take, because this addiction - I am not ready to leave behind. It is my shelter, my mask, my comfort. But another part of me is screaming to take the vitamins, the iron supplements, the medications. Screaming at me to at least drink a meal replacement shake and to start using fiber powder instead of laxatives. Screaming at me to stop. STOP. STOP
STOP.
STOP .
STOP .
but I don't think I can....maybe next month I will try. Maybe, just maybe I'll try to attempt recovery - and maybe one day I will be better.
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