It has never really been about weight; I first started throwing up as a coping mechanism for stress which progressed and eventually became an on/off thing with restricting. I would have weeks were I would binge and purge and weeks where I would restrict and fast and exercise. This has been going on for three and a half years, and it's gotten to the point where I don't just want to get smaller, a lot smaller, but I want to get sicker as well. I don't know, I don't really understand, but I know that's what I want. Sitting here thinking about this I realized how silly and wrong I am being - I mean I could be a lot smaller by just drinking one or two vegan meal replacement shakes and I would be a lot healthier too. But this kind of thought scares me; recovery scares me, but most of all being healthy and living a long life just
petrifies me for some reason.
my legs: my calves have always bugged me. You can kind of see them in the picture.
I don't know. I may try a meal replacement diet with vegan acidophilus (bio-k) for the month of March without laxatives, but I'm not sure that would count as recovery?
Ahhh things are just too confusing and I make my life more complicated than it should be.
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