No one really understands

how much hate and anger and bitterness and all dark feelings a person can harbour within themselves until they themselves harbour such feelings.   The amount of hate I have for myself, for the person I was/am, for my past is so vast that I cannot handle it.  It is so great, this hate and darkness I have within me, that I am constantly trying to run away from it; run away from myself.  Last year I moved to a big city 2 hours away from my hometown, changed my name slightly, didn't know anyone, but that wasn't enough. The big city did help drown me in a sea of people, but it also got me wrapped up in all the partying and made me realize how lonely I actually am.  I was also still too close to my hometown, too close to my past and the person I hated most, myself, was still there. My true self, the habits I hate, the things that I sometimes realize were embarrassing  the things I said all popped out from time to time.   I moved this year to a city 9 - 10 hours away from my hometown; no one knows me there, the city is big but friendly in a kind way and I had all last year to master hiding my true self away.  The program at the university is something I greatly enjoy, and working  a lot to pay the bills is hard, but does take my mind off things sometimes. I cannot wait to finish university and move to Europe - I'll be so far away and perhaps I'll finally be a bit at peace.  I remember two summers ago I went to Europe to visit family for 2 months and it was great.  No one knew me, no one knew my past, no one knew what kind of person I was and I was so far away from "home" it felt like it wasn't part of me anymore.  The moment I met up with friends from Canada in Spain for a week - all these emotions, frustrations and anger came back to me - like a train in full speed.  I realized once again how unhappy I was with my life and how much I wanted to start my life over again, from scratch and how everything associated with my past and  real life brought me pain.  Oh how much I wanted to run away from it all.  When I landed in Canada I cried in the car ride back from the airport, my dad was driving and he didn't know why I was crying.  I was crying because I hated myself so much that everything that was ever associated with me brought those feelings back and because I realized for the 100th time how miserable and sad and unhappy I was with myself.
I came back - present time- to my parents for the holidays and even though I am only here for 10 days each day my frustration grows and each day I just want to scream, cry and just run and keep running. I cannot pretend to be someone else in this house, in this town, but when I'm far away, on my own I can pretend to be anyone I want to and I can forget some of the pain.

I hate myself.  I hate myself so much that I don't even know if there's any room to love again.

Blaaahhh

just having a rough day and my stomach is a total mess. Every time I eat I feel nauseous and sick, but I also feel hungry and I gained like 4 lbs since I came to my parents house for Christmas  break = a total mess inside of me cause the last thing I want/need is for me to get fatter than I already am.
Everything has been pissing me off and I honestly do such a swell job at controlling myself and am just a marvelous actress.  It's like I'm leading a double life:
Caring, compassionate, fun, positive, all smiles and patient friend to the world and unexplainable, lost, sad, lonely, pissed, angry, insecure, self wrecking, low self esteem, push over and introvert in reality [that no one knows about].

I suck.  end of story.  bye.

Also this is a most recent picture of me; my hand is oddly placed on my chin because of a horrid pimple that I had to cover somehow.  Also you can't really see but the veins around my eyes (like under neath my eyes) are becoming more visible.  I quite like that look.  

I feel so worthless and ugly

I do.  I feel like no one wants me or needs me and realized how alone I actual am.  I hate this, I hate my situation, but mostly I just hate myself.  A lot.

Holiday [vegan] baking ♥ and doctors appointment ...

Made some vegan english toffee squares and gooey butterscotch cookies ♥ yumm ;]
Then I'm going to visit my friend in the hospital today again (the one with anorexia), I saw her on thursday as well and I realised I missed her so much more than I thought (I almost cried; we both teared up).  The hospital sucks though - the mental health section of it anyways.  They honest to goodness graciousness have no plan, no freaking recovery plan at all! Like she sees a psychiatrists maybe once a week or every two weeks and she's been to art therapy once in the whole 2.5 months she's been there and that's it.  She just sits in her bed or wheelchair (cause they don't let her walk) and knits or reads or watches approved movies.  They're only goal is to get her to 75% of her body weight and that's all and I am so mad because they're not doing they're job.  I'm not a psychiatrist or therapist but I would do a damn better job and actually try and help in the mental part of the recovery - like I am sooo mad it can't be put in words.  She's my sister (not blood related but we've been childhood friends since her birth) and I feel protective over her and I just want to scream at everyone in that part of the hospital.   She'll be out soon though, probably in the next 2 weeks, she's just waiting for her pediatrician to get back from holidays (cause she's only 17) and she's almost at 75% (74. something right now) so crossing my fingers :] ♥   Also please pray for her recovery and if you're an atheist please send good thoughts and luck her way.

As for my doctors appointment today - I have to get more blood tests done and give in a poop sample - oh joy!  I'm just nervous they may find out about the laxatives, but I went on yahoo answers and a "physician" told me they'd have to order special tests for it and it's only done if a person gets hospitalised a lot for dehydration or if they faint a lot... so we'll see.

uhhh cleaned up my room and discovered I'm a bit of a disgusting creature.

so that pot full of tofu and rice that I think I left for a week or so? I opened it, slammed it shut and threw it (along with the pot) into the garbage.  I wanted to barf; there was mold, mold everywhere.
oh but my room is a lot cleaner, you can see my floor and I finally found my ipod :] couldn't hold back taking some selfies as it has much better quality than my web cam.

So this is me ^ I find whenever I take some self photos they always make me appear like I'm 12 or 13  - but I swear I'm a second year uni student! ohh and this is the shirt I'm wearing on the plane and bus ride home today :] it was on sale in september at forever 21: $4.99 such a good price and it's comfy and hides my fat.

I probably won't update until this evening, if I have time.  Also eaten only 1 yam since Sunday and had coffee and laxatives - making myself empty so I have room (and less guilt) to eat my fave potatoes ♥

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I think my title to this post is quite original and is really, truly profound (I hope my sarcasm was detected).
Tired; I'm going to go to bed after I post this and will just wake up earlier to study. My last exam is tomorrow :] also my bunny is getting picked up by the pet sitter tomorrow </3 he'll be gone for 13 days ... my baby :[ but she volunteers at a shelter specialising in small animals, has a room especially for when she sits pets and has medication just in case they get sick so she seems trustworthy enough to leave my mumus wumus with.

After my exam I am doing laundry, washing my dishes, sweeping and generally cleaning out my room while rocking out to ABBA - my current musical obsession. Then I'm watching the rest of the Incredibles (if my internet decides to work properly) teehee  ^_^ I like movies ♥

And then on tuesday I am going to go to the gym and work out (first time in like a month, but I'm such an unmotivated person -_- ) and making sure everything's packed and cleaning out my bunnies cage and probably not going to sleep at all because on wednesday morning I'm flying home ♥♥♥ Beyond excited :"} ahhhhhhhhhhhh finally going to see my family and childhood friends in like 5 months - although I enjoy being independent and going out into the world, you do tend to get a bit of a longing for your family and friends. Also my mom makes the best potatoes (like sliced up and baked in a bit of olive oil with spices, carrots, onions, garlic and apples = absolutely delicious ♥) and they're very filling so I don't need to eat a lot of it.   And I'll finally see my baby #1 - my dog ♥  I miss him soooo sooooo soooooooooo much.  My puppy, my doggie woggie, my little wittle animal soul mate.  Honestly though, we are soo alike and we'd always get mad at each other and cuddle, and just generally be awesomely lazy together ♥. Also I think I've used too many ♥'s in this post - looks overly cheesy and corny - corny cheese......I need sleep, cause here I am rambling on about things.

self control? it's back in the game :]

instead of going out to the store and needlessly spending my money on sugar filled liquids aka juice I simply drank a cup of water ♥

I want to lose another 4 - 5 lbs in the next 6 days so I can look fab for the Christmas dinner my youth group back home is hosting :]

Also I wrote 3 full pages of a letter for my friend who is actually in the hospital for anorexia (she's been in there for over 2 months now).   When she first started dropping weight dramatically there was this sort of jealousy in me.  I did not want it there, but it was there; she was so small, so frail and I was still this big cow.  But now that feeling is gone and my love for her is back to the fullest.  She's one of my two best childhood friends and we all grew up as sisters basically.   Obviously I haven't seen her yet since I'm still up here in Montréal until Wednesday, but I wrote her a letter that I hope will sort of get through to her (she doesn't know I suffer from purging and she will not find out, nobody will).   She pretends she's doing better and has gained back 30 lbs (she needs to gain another 15 to be released - her body weight was so low her heart was giving out), but my other childhood best friend (let's call her G) tells me that M (the one in the hospital) told her she gets up early to exercise and manages to sneak her way on scales and find out how much she weighs (but the hospital is kind of weird in the sense that they will not allow her to get even the slightest exercise; i.e. she's not even allowed to walk, they told her she has to use a wheelchair to get around).
I miss her a terrible bunch, and I really, really, really hope my letter clicks a bit with her.  She's such a beautiful, beautiful girl and she's younger than me by a few years and this was supposed to be her last year of high school.  Please pray for her recovery, because I really want her to go back to being that happy, un- obsessed girl who would eat junk food and complain about how diets are too hard and how food is good.  I want her to be back to be the healthy (and she was not overweight at all) girl she once was.  I really need her to recover, because I know how an ed can consume you and twist you and your life and I don't want her to have to spend the rest of her life living like that.  I honestly love her like my own sister, and in the letter at one point I told her "I love you like a sister and a sister cannot lose her sister. Remember this."
This is why when I go see her in a week, I'm going to layer myself a lot and rosy my cheeks up, because I DON'T want her to notice I lost weight - I'd rather look like a gigantic whale and have her believe I put on weight than her see I lost weight.  (although I most definitely hope other people notice my weight loss, but I have to keep it away from her - I just don't want to trigger her).  Sometimes I am a giant hypocrite, but sometimes to protect the ones you love, you need to be.

Random and awkward change of topic (because I suck at transitions sometimes - which happens often when I write papers): my butt has gotten unbelievable flat and looks horrid in dresses.  Doing some squats and butt lifts here and there between studying and getting up to use the bathroom.

I'm going to fail my exams.

I have 2 take home final exams due tomorrow/today and I'm not even halfway done.   I know that my purging and restricting always cause me to be groggy and always feel foggy headed, but it just feels so hard to write this.  It's sad because I know everything, and I'm writing it, but I feel like I'm pushing through a river against the current.  I just have to keep pushing, but I feel like it won't be the best :[ I'll turn off internet for now so I can at least finish 2 more essay questions on each before I head to the library (I'll catch the earliest bus in like 5 hours - so at like 5am).
Ciao ♥ won't be updating until after my art history exam on Saturday ♥

Headache, exams and running on empty

Because I worked 5 days in a row all in the mornings I couldn't really take my laxatives (I took maybe 3 - 4 a day, I still pooped but it was like once every 2 days...) so I took like 7 yesterday :] and feel nice and empty today ♥  Had 2 coffees and 5 black olives - so proud :"] Tomorrow I'm spending all day at the uni to finish my take home, print it and submit it.  I'll only have coffee, no food and than on Friday I really want to go to the gym before I start studying all day for my art history exam (since today I slept in, did laundry and skyped my mom for an hour - so by the time I got to my uni it was already past 2pm -_- so I only had time to do my take home).

Also took a bunch of selfies today - because procrastination ;[

All my self photos should be titled: My chubby face and I

Test results are in and ....

I have GERD and IBS (and let's not forget my gastritis that was diagnosed in April), oh and abnormally low sodium and slightly anemic - but honestly, nothing to serious so I'm happy :] plus since I have official diagnoses (no one needs to know they are caused by my purging, shhh) no one will really suspect an eating disorder - well no one other than a doctor anyways.

so petite, so lovely - pictures like this make me feel disgusting with myself and my body ;[ 

Doing laundry today, because I haven't done laundry in goodness graciousness knows how long and I had no more socks or undies left......
Then going to go to the library in the afternoon to start and finish my take home finals ;[   really hoping I do well on them. Then it's studying for my art history exam on Saturday - which lord have mercy, because if anyone has ever taken an art history course before you'll know how brutal the exams are - you have to memorize ALL the artworks shown and discussed in class (def over 250 of them - including buildings) the time periods they're from, the artist, the styles, the importance and the place they come from.  I have such bad short term memory so it's non stop studying from tonight to Saturday morning.

Less than a week left before I fly home and my metabolism shut down.

No honestly I think it did :[ even though last week I barely ate and purged almost everything I haven't lost a damn thing.  I think I'm retaining water, so I'm going to try and drink at least 500 ml a day and doing a fast tomorrow until Saturday morning and going to the gym on Wednesday :]  
I worked 9 hours today and I guess that in itself was a good workout (my feet kill, cause I wore boots with a bit of a heel...) and tomorrow I work and after I have to go see my doctor for my ultrasound test results - we'll see what she has to say.   And actually I was half asleep when the office called me on Thursday so I'm not sure if I am supposed to come in at 4:20, 4:30 or 4:45 -_- I'll call tomorrow at lunch to confirm cause I don't want to sit in the waiting room for an hour, also kinda nervous - I mean what if they could somehow tell from the ultrasound that I throw up and abuse laxatives? I mean there's no way for them to figure it out just from that right?  honestly kinda anxious :[   and I'm gonna mention me passing out at work - cause the people at work won't leave me alone about it.......  super annoying, but kinda nice in a way, knowing that people kinda care about you to some extent ♥

Ashley is such a babe ♥ I have always loved the Olsen twins and I really admire the both of them in how they dealt and overcame Ashley's eating disorder.  Both of them are such strong, lovely women - my role models :] Maybe one day I'll be able to get over mine as well.

Thinking, and freezing.

Sitting on the second floor of the Arts building, in my coat and absolutely freezing cold.  The other people here have their coats off and look nice and toasty - not me :[ although this morning the sun shone really bright and warmed up my room and I actually felt warm :] it was nice ♥

So far today, I had 18 oz of a berry soy smoothie today (so like 202 cal, but I'll round it up to 220 cal just to be safe) and I haven't taken any laxatives yet. Trying to take less because yesterday I took  15/16 in total and my butt was not thanking me for it.  Not at all.  So I'm going to take 2 laxatives now and another 4 before bed tonight, and hopefully the smoothie with it's fibers helps as well.   AND I need to start drinking more water, because as much as I hate putting anything into my body (including water) I am barely losing weight and my stomach is bloated, bloated, bloated and water consumption helps reduce bloating so I'll give it a shot.  Also I think I'm going to start consuming more liquids because I think I have been waking up dehydrated these past few days;  today I felt like my legs were so heavy as if I was pushing through water.  Blahhh :"[   Working a 9 h shift tomorrow and then working everyday until tuesday.....long weekend ahead of me.  But on Saturday we're having a work Christmas dinner at a fancy restaurant :] excited! I love social gatherings (also sorry if I repeat things from previous posts, I have a bit of a horrid memory ahaa...) and hopefully they'll have something vegan ♥

Lastly,  grocery shopping today:

• apples
• veggie pita 
• juice
• cookies (cause Mr Christie has some vegan cookies and they're so good u_u they're my weakness, but they also help me get through binge urges♥)
• can of tomato soup

oh great quick soup recipe!  get a can of some thick tomato soup and a some instant noodles.  Cook the noodles for 3 minutes in hot water (but don't add seasoning) and add it to the tomato soup = delicious and low cal :] and it's quick to make and cheap (a packet of instant noodles 0.45 a can of tomato soup 1.19 = $1.54 and it makes 3 - 4 portions; just water down the tomato soup a bit cause it is quite thick).

And if your like me, where you are prone to binging on soups I have some advice: get a mug and fill it with soup instead of a bowl, so even if you have 2 portions, you'll have less than 2 bowl portions, but still feel just as full because your eyes are seeing a full portion in the mug (I hope that made some sense).

I feel like a child who needs constant naps.

I honestly feel the need to sleep 6 hours after waking up.  The last few days I have been waking up around noon or 1pm and going back to bed around 6 pm, waking up around 11pm or midnight and then falling asleep again at 5 am .

naps are so nice :"} 

Also woke up about an hour ago and felt extremely weak, drank the rest of my nestea to feel a bit better.  But I must say I'm proud of myself :] I have been  eating very, very little these past few days! Yesterday I only ate 6 pieces of veggie sushi (so about 2/3rds of the tray) and that was all, and the day before I ate a bite of bread :] ahh so happy! However my body is less so, and I have taken oh so many laxatives - most of the last 2 days I have been passing water, or at least it looks like water. But my stomach is still there, as big as always and I have been fluctuating only 2 pounds...
I wanna go to the gym, but I am so tired and weak all the time ;[  (actually I'm just a really lazy person).

If I could get smaller, perhaps I'd disappear, perhaps all my problems would disappear. At least that's what I'd like to believe some days. 

I have been awake for about an hour now (it's past midnight) but I'm still groggy and tired so I may have another pickle and go back to bed.

ugghh I may have over did it ....

so last night I felt like I was going to pass out while laying down (weird I know), but felt a bit better by morning.  I went to work (and got bombarded with the same question by everyone "are you okay?" ) and I must of still looked like shit cause every time one of the managers passed by the fitting room they'd ask me if I feel okay and one coworker asked me if I was okay cause I still looked pale and faint and told me "You need to eat" but I did eat yesterday and today - maybe my weight loss is noticeable?   And my manager even followed me into the warehouse after closing when I was putting the garbage away - he pretended he was looking at some stuff there, but he was headed to cash until he saw me go in the warehouse - I think they just don't want me passing out anywhere ....
Anyways I took 6 laxatives today, but I feel like I did last night and am getting the same feelings I used to get when I first started abusing laxatives (at the beginning it was terribly unbearable when I took laxatives), but I've been taking anywhere from 8 - 15 on a normal day so why should 6 make me feel so bad and on top of that I feel super weird.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Never mind I feel better: went to the bathroom, had a movement and feel a lot better.  My stomach feels like shit though, it keeps grumbling and hurting even though I'm eating cookies.
But I do feel like it may be my blood pressure that's causing me to feel this way last night and tonight ;[ just glad I don't work tomorrow.  I may try and go to Sunday service depending on how I feel when I get up, also my lower back and pelvic area pain has been getting super constant and intense.  I feel so weak, tired and just worn down that I can't even plan ahead for anything, I can only take it day by day.  I don't even feel like going out and drinking or going to the movies or doing anything fun.  I just want to stay home and snuggle in my covers and try to make my aching body feel a bit better between my multiple bowel movements a day.

I have this bad feeling my body may finally be really giving up on me, it may actually be screaming at me telling me to stop; the sad part is that I don't care.  If anything I'm a bit happy in a sick twisted way that the ending may be nearing.  My battle with this may soon be over, my body may stop aching forever - no more interrupted nights, no more pounding, irregular or flip flopping heart beats, simply no more pain.

Ha if only.