I want to lose another 4 - 5 lbs in the next 6 days so I can look fab for the Christmas dinner my youth group back home is hosting :]
Also I wrote 3 full pages of a letter for my friend who is actually in the hospital for anorexia (she's been in there for over 2 months now). When she first started dropping weight dramatically there was this sort of jealousy in me. I did not want it there, but it was there; she was so small, so frail and I was still this big cow. But now that feeling is gone and my love for her is back to the fullest. She's one of my two best childhood friends and we all grew up as sisters basically. Obviously I haven't seen her yet since I'm still up here in Montréal until Wednesday, but I wrote her a letter that I hope will sort of get through to her (she doesn't know I suffer from purging and she will not find out, nobody will). She pretends she's doing better and has gained back 30 lbs (she needs to gain another 15 to be released - her body weight was so low her heart was giving out), but my other childhood best friend (let's call her G) tells me that M (the one in the hospital) told her she gets up early to exercise and manages to sneak her way on scales and find out how much she weighs (but the hospital is kind of weird in the sense that they will not allow her to get even the slightest exercise; i.e. she's not even allowed to walk, they told her she has to use a wheelchair to get around).
I miss her a terrible bunch, and I really, really, really hope my letter clicks a bit with her. She's such a beautiful, beautiful girl and she's younger than me by a few years and this was supposed to be her last year of high school. Please pray for her recovery, because I really want her to go back to being that happy, un- obsessed girl who would eat junk food and complain about how diets are too hard and how food is good. I want her to be back to be the healthy (and she was not overweight at all) girl she once was. I really need her to recover, because I know how an ed can consume you and twist you and your life and I don't want her to have to spend the rest of her life living like that. I honestly love her like my own sister, and in the letter at one point I told her "I love you like a sister and a sister cannot lose her sister. Remember this."
This is why when I go see her in a week, I'm going to layer myself a lot and rosy my cheeks up, because I DON'T want her to notice I lost weight - I'd rather look like a gigantic whale and have her believe I put on weight than her see I lost weight. (although I most definitely hope other people notice my weight loss, but I have to keep it away from her - I just don't want to trigger her). Sometimes I am a giant hypocrite, but sometimes to protect the ones you love, you need to be.
Random and awkward change of topic (because I suck at transitions sometimes - which happens often when I write papers): my butt has gotten unbelievable flat and looks horrid in dresses. Doing some squats and butt lifts here and there between studying and getting up to use the bathroom.
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