I don't know what happened. Everything was going great today and once I finished work and left it all just hit me, you know? Every now and then I realize that reality is not as nice and wonderful as I pretend it to be. I realize I am more than $15 000 in debt, that nobody actually cares what comes out of my mouth, that I am a young girl working 17 - 20 hours a week, barely if at all making ends meet, taking 5 courses at uni and an online course, no partying or hanging out because I have no money. I am financially stressed and lonely beyond words, beyond feelings, beyond comprehension.
The thoughts have started coming back more frequently as well; every time I walk across the overpass above the freeway I look down and think how easy it would be to simply step over and fall.
Every time I'm waiting for the subway I think how easy to walk off the platform, how tragic it would be if I was standing too close and someone bumped into me. But those are horrible ways to get killed, not for the person being killed, but for those around, for the driver, for the witnesses. It would be absolutely selfish - easy, but selfish and shameful.
It's days and nights and hours and weeks and years like right now that I realize how terribly alone I am and how much I really do despise myself.
Sometimes I wonder if I took a few weeks off and just went into the wilderness alone, would great Mother Nature change me? would it help me find peace with myself? because I'm desperate to stop feeling this storm inside me.
Desperate to finally be happy and okay with myself.
Desperate for love.
I hate myself so much I'm crying right now and feel like I need to run somewhere, get away cause I'm crawling out of my skin and need to get away from me.
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