All good things must come to an end.

I'm referring to that feeling I had a week or so ago when I just felt calm, like I didn't want to die.  Well here I am once again feeling that awful feeling and not wanting to live.  I know I sound so casual talking about it, but it's just something I experience so often that I have normalized it to a certain degree; but I also don't want to die.  If I could I would re-make myself; get a new id, new birth certificate, new age and move to a different country and start university all over and finally live my life.   Even if I did manage to get a new id and everything I couldn't just leave because people wouldn't know what really happened and I think it would really hurt my siblings and parents more than suicide.  On the subject of siblings and parents, I think my sister has major hormonal problems/imbalances at which my mother got mad at me for when I told her this through skype (anything hormonal/psychiatric/any health problems that have anything to do with behaviour is huge stigma with my mother).   I skyped my mother, who was really upset, because it turns out my sister; my 12 year old sister; called my mother a  "stupid fucking bitch" for no reason.  They weren't even having an argument.  Basically they were walking from the bus stop and my mother told my sister that she made her favourite salad and my sister responded by saying "I didn't even want that you stupid fucking bitch."  Yes that is way out of line for any child to say to a parent; downright disrespectful and my mother cried for two hours afterwards.  The thing is though that my sister was totally happy and suddenly turned angry, and this happens often.  She can be happy and fine and the next minute she is mad at everyone and acting like everyone is doing something wrong. My family is not rich, my sister is not spoiled like most kids, and she was very sick when she was a toddler and had to take strong medication and steroids for it and I honestly think it just wacked her hormones/something is not right, because that is not 'normal' behaviour. Anyways I told this to my mom, as it is concerning, and she just shut me down.  She accused me of trying to make my sister into a 'sick' person, when really all I said was maybe she has a hormone problem and maybe she should take her to the doctor because this has been going on for years.  Okay so I'll let my mother do what she thinks is best, but this just opened up a discussion about our own relationship with each other, which made me realize how broken our relationship really is; which I already knew, but sometimes it's nice to ignore the ugly stuff we can in our lives; and then my mother said something that made me want to mend this relationship.  Not leave it in the corner and go on stepping over dust and broken glass, but actually clean it up and start anew.   My mother said "I only ever cried at your birth. Out of all five children I only cried for you."  I didn't understand so I asked why and she told me "because you were a girl.  I finally had a daughter, I was so happy. You were my first girl." And now I feel even more lost than ever, because all this time I believed my mother wanted to love me, but couldn't, yet it seems she loved me enough to cry only for me when I was born; now I have to try and rearrange and organize and construct new theories and ideas to make sense of our relationship and behaviours to one another. 

I'm honestly thinking if I can't figure things out; everything and just a few things; I might go to a florist and buy a plant or two of poisonous flowers and drink them as tea or put them in my salads (depending on the plant).  This way it will take a few days/weeks, would most likely not look like suicide and gives me time to change my mind and/or tie up lose ends and get all my business in order.
If I did do this, it would not be now, I would wait until August or September maybe.  I don't know things change, hopefully they will for the better.