Bad binge; bad purge.

Last night after I wrote my previous post I went out and bought myself food to binge on; it has truly been a long time since I have actually "binged" (I bought enough food to last a week and binged on 2000 + calories, not fun).   Needless to say I threw most of it up, used a suppository and took 8 laxatives afterwards.  Maybe it was because I haven't purged through throwing up in a long time, but I was just utterly exhausted and completely drained; I had less energy than I did when I pull all nighters; like all I could do was lay in bed and even browsing the net was hard, but after sipping a sugary drink for a bit I started feeling better.  
I also need to start cutting down on refined sugars, because I feel like my levels are a bit erratic; especially at work.  I will tend to get extremely energetic after I eat, even if it's a "healthy" lunch, especially if I took a lot of laxatives the night before and was a bit dehydrated; or I will just become so out of it and cranky for no reason and I try so hard not to show it, but when I do I just play it off on no sleep (there were sooo many times I almost let out a snarky comment to a customer/yelled at my friends who work with me in the fitting room for talking too much or something).  This would make sense because when I was throwing up a lot back in gr.12 I was always cranky and easily cried and got frustrated at home. I must say it was kind of ridiculous sometimes; for ex. my favourite spoon was in the dish  washer and I couldn't use it or the bread we had wasn't the kind I liked and I would try so hard to keep it in, but would end up crying and being rude to everyone in the house; over a SPOON or bread type (or maybe it was just depression, or something else - purging and starving do weird things to your brain).
 I want to believe I am better in control, but I feel like one of these weekends at work I will just snap and that will not be pretty and after I snap and unleash my crankiness I will end up crying and it will all be a horribly, horrible, overdramatic scene; so I try really hard not to let that happen.

A selfie (it's so hard to take good pictures of yourself); been getting more sleep so although still pale I think I look a bit better :3 

 

I also bought a cute flannel plaid shirt at work yesterday :] it was only $15 and fits perfect; it was from the boys (children's) section, that's why it was so cheap and surprisingly fit my boobs perfectly (cause although they are small, they're still there and boys shirts are made with a totally flat chest in mind; so yay! Another plus is my friend from work and I are going to start jogging together after work on the weekends :"] this way I am forced to exercise and have motivation.  

Took this right after I threw up most of my binge; purging is not fun, hurts, your face swells and makes you look and feel like shit.  (Also sorry for bad lighting)