Friday, April 19, 2013

I seek things I should not.

I am triggering myself.  Literally, I am going through tumblr finding 'thinspo' and 'fitspo' and self harm pictures and posts and now I just want to cut myself up.   Why do I do this when I'm already low? 
But I had a good day; no sleep, but exam went decently and I love the people I work with.  Also depending on how much I get paid next pay (getting my tattoo ♥) and whether or not I get the museum position for the summer; which would require me to move for four months; I may make myself an appointment to a psychiatrists.  First step in the right direction right?  cause I don't know how much longer I can stand this.  

I was also talking to a friend at work and she told me once exams are finished I need to sleep for days and days, and start taking vitamins because she said that, not meaning any offence, my 'tired' look is more of a sickly look and she said it looks like I'm suffering from lack of minerals and vitamins and not just sleep; cause you apparently don't look like this when you only lack sleep.  I'm glad someone finally told me straight up that I actually look unwell instead of all this "you look REALLY tired" crap.   But what she said makes total sense because even when I had 3 nights in a row of sleep I was still told I looked really tired and not rested; not going to take the vitamins because I don't want to get better (yet I want to see a psychiatrist, oh the irony!). 

I don't think I look as bad as everyone says and my pictures don't come out with my face looking sickly; maybe everybody is being melodramatic?

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