because I am such a lovely person the "I'll try to take less laxatives" yesterday turned into a "take the last 3 laxatives, buy more and take 5 more all before 2pm". Oh my digestive system is probably ready to kill me (and I'm not sure if that's in the literal sense either...). Ughhhh :[ also I'm pretty sure because I'm vegan + my purging that I may have developed some deficencies. I think the biggest hint is that my vision is getting worse (like black and white videos are hard for me to tell what is what cause it all blurs together and I can't see words from afar), my bones/joints hurt (in my hands and feet and knees) and my muscles, especially in my legs, cramp and hurt all the time plus my back pain, but I've always had bad back pain. I swear I may look young on the outside, but on the inside I feel like an old lady -_- I wonder how I will feel when/if I actually do grow old or in the next 10 years or the next 5 or however long I'll live.
I also feel like this is by far the worst year for me in terms of purging and the unbearable sad feeling (depression). I just feel like I am losing myself, faster than ever before; losing my sanity and feeling empty and nothing yet overflowing and I just don't know what to do with myself. I honestly don't know how I can keep living with this, it's so unbearable, but I just keep telling myself "3 more years, just 3 more years of university and than you can move somewhere warm and to Europe and you'll feel better you'll see." But I don't know if I can hold on for 3 more years. I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and I've felt like I've hit rock bottom a few times in my life, but I was wrong because I feel like I'm a lot deeper than ever before and I still haven't hit the bottom. I'm scared that I won't be able to pull myself out and if I hit the bottom this time, it will be disastrous. I'm scared because sometimes, at night, all alone, I'll think of death and dying and after lots of thinking I now know a way that would be 100% successful. I'm scared because I'm going insane, but I think if I started painting and drawing again I'd feel a bit better (I drew a bit a few days ago and it helped me vent a bit and calm down a bit). I guess artistic people (including musicians) are seen as a bit on the crazy side sometimes because when you're crazy art seems to be one of the only ways to help get things out a bit and control them to a certain extent.
When I was 16, I believe, I took a sociology class and also learned about mental illness. The teacher said that people between like 17 - 22 have the biggest chance of developing schizophrenia and how people with mental illness have a higher chance as well and then she went on to tell us stories about successful young university students having serious mental breakdowns/getting schizophrenia. It scared me so much :[ still scares me.
I guess the only thing that really gets me through is thinking about my little sister (she's 7 years younger than me). I think about her and how she would feel if I left and how terrible it would be not to have your sister anymore, because a sister is very much needed and I put myself in her shoes and think if I ever lost her I don't think I could go on. I know my brothers and parents would also be devastated, but honestly it's really me thinking about my sister that helps me get through most nights.
Also, yesterday I wrote how I plateau'd right? well actually I have one of those old fashion scales (no money for a digital one ahahaha) and didn't realize it wasn't at 0 but at 2 so I actually lost 4 lbs in the last week and a half and not 2 lbs. But I ate veggie sushi today so I think I gained back at least 1 lb :[ but I took like 8 laxatives already so maybe the veggie sushi won't cause me to gain weight. I swear if I step on the scale tomorrow morning and I'm not less than today I will cry (in the literal sense).
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