Everything's falling apart an I'm always the pillar everyone leans on

I have always been the one to pick up the pieces and help everyone; including my parents.   The only times my mom calls me is when she is going through a mental break and thinks no one loves her etc and now that my mother has gotten worse (both mentally and physically)  my father has been leaning on me.  The whole 4 days I've been home for the holidays,  he's been venting to me and asking what he should do etc.  I tried to help as much as I could but honestly today before I left that  I don't want to talk about mom anymore.  He said it's cause he needs someone that  talk it through and he can't do it by himself; I told him I understand but both with him and mom I am the only one they come to where  they have problems and I can't be there for them. I have been there for them since I was a child and I have my own problems  that they're never there for.  I can't.  It's not fair and things seem to be falling apart fast.

What a joke

Lol.  I want to cry.  If I'm being 100% honest,  the reason I restarted this blog is because I'm relapsing so badly.  I started b/p again (though not multiple times a day like before).  I miss my coping mechanisms; without them I just feel like everything is too much.  I also started sh. again  😢 honestly I'm 22 and I still haven't learned how to live.
It's sad,  but the only times I feel in control of my 'madness'  is when I'm purging or s.h and when I get small.
I miss being tiny; I wanna get back down to the size I was in Dec 2012.

Working, walking, not sleeping....

This past week I have walked over 16 km almost every day; not including the walking I do at work.  My feet are so sore and my legs have been cramping,  but that's mostly because of not drinking enough water.
I am absolutely  exhausted.  On top of everything my digestive system is effed up; I may have stopped abusing laxatives,  but a few months back my intestines have started acting as if I haven't stopped.  Maybe it's an intolerance to something?

On another note,  I had a proper shower today and it felt so good.  I mean,  I take a showers, but there is always that one shower that happens that makes you feel so pure and clean and good.  Almost like a fresh start and warm hug.
😌
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend  ❤

Back.

Wow,  it has been nearly two and a half years since I last posted on this blog and so much has changed; both for better and worse.
A quick run down  of what has happened over the last while is that during the summer of 2013 I decided to try and recover; I stumbled through my laxative abuse and although I struggled and abused a few more times I am now not using laxatives at all and have only thrown up maybe 6 times in the past year (Yay). I went through a super healthy and exercise freak phase the summer after, however my depression has gotten so much worse, and now my b/p has turned into restricting.  You overcome one thing and you get hit with two more things.
I will post more this week ❤

My purging has gotten vicious.

I hate when I have horrible binge//purge cycles.  I have eaten almost all the food I have (with exception of a few cans of beans and condiments such as ketchup and mustard).  Not buying anything until Saturday evening, in attempts to curb my binges, because this has got to stop. Not exactly fasting, just going to be consuming absolute zero energy drinks, as well as some non-fat vanilla yogurt; also thinking of maybe doing an 8 day juice/tea detox to help relax/slightly heal my body after all the bingeing and constant purging (yes, this would mean I would not take laxatives for the duration of the fast).   Not sure if I'll do it yet, but I'm considering it.  

On the other hand, I am not sure whether to be pleased with my laxative abuse or terrified at how much I have been taking lately.  A bit TMI, but for the last two days I have been going to the point where nothing, but these "sediments" come out; which I read means there's nothing more in the intestines to push out.   Bad part of this is that when one increases an already abnormal number of laxatives to take daily, you find yourself in more pain than previously.  And I mean stabbing, sharp, shooting, give you goosebumps sort of pain and the worse is when I get them at work. On the topic of laxatives I found this box at the pharmacy that says "purgative", it's about $17, and it says it's specifically for those doing a colonoscopy or intestinal x-ray/something else.   I think I may buy it on Friday and use it since I don't work on Saturday (hopefully my roommate is not back/home on the Saturday, because I feel like I will be in the bathroom ALL DAY).

Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Take 10 laxatives. Curl up in pain. Binge. Throw up till your throat is raw. Fast. Binge. Purge. Get headache and aches and pain from all the purging. Binge. Hate yourself. Purge. Purge. Purge. Purge till you see blood.  Purge till you see stars. Take more laxatives.  Stuffle the groans of pain in your pillow, as your body twists and turns from pain that feels like knives twisting your intestines this way and that.  Eat a tub of ice cream.  Throw up.  Cry. Binge. Purge. Binge.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I hate myself.  I hate these last few days.   I hate these last 4 years of this.

It's too fucking much.

Back in full swing, in all the wrong ways.

I ate two slices of pizza during my lunch at work and went to the bathroom and threw them up (or at least one and a bit).  Stayed there for awhile and came back into the lunchroom saying I thought something was in my eye; I hid my right hand as the index fingers knuckle was bright red, and I got one of the supervisors looking in the direction of my hand (placed on my lap), but I'm not worried, because it really is no one's business.  I'm throwing up and taking so many more laxatives and I'm going to be working till Friday (I will be working 9 days in a row), and by working a lot I can help with my financial stress/help me pay for when I go on vacation with a friend in July; also it takes my mind off of things and I tend to not binge/not binge a lot when I work.  My eyes also look really weird; kinda dull and greyish white where it should just be white.

 Gained 5lbs while visiting my parents, and let us say I was less then impressed with myself; I've become extremely pudgy over these last few months.

Everything hurts so bad

my chest, my upper back, my middle back, my throat; they are all extremely achy and hurt as if someone beat them up with a baseball bat.  Hurts so much I might take a hot shower even though it's almost midnight and might wake the nieghbours below me.   Not sure why I'm in soo much pain, but nothings helping.

It might also be due to the fact that on top of continuing my daily laxative use, I have also started throwing up almost daily again; back to the same old cycle, the tears, the heaving, the pain and containers filled with vomit (because risking having the pipes burst is too much for a uni student renting a place). Purging is disgusting; fucking gross.  Nasty, custy, ugly shit, but I always do it whether it's through laxatives or vomiting; I am a nasty lil' mess and I hate it.

D
I
S
G
U
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T
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Also I think my liver is slowly starting to become slower than is normal, because when I drink I don't get a hangover the next day, instead I am still drunk.

Back from visiting my parents.

It was fun, a bit chaotic, and I got wasted on saturday for my birthday.  It was great.  Also had a chest x-ray and full abdominal ultra sound on monday, cause I told my doctor about my night sweats on Thursday and she said it might be my lymph nodes or thyroid?

Also my mom bought me a cute outfit for my birthday ♥ and I drank whisky and rum and vodka and just got drunk for the first time in like 8 months and it was great (apparently I almost caused my brother, who picked me up from downtown at 3 am, to almost crash 3 times....).    

Lots to update on and will do that sometime within the next few days.

First day back and I feel like I'm in chaos rather then having a break.

So I truly thought this was a great time to go back and visit my parents and siblings, because as it so happens I am in the middle of a quarter life crisis and felt I truly needed a bit of a break; turns out my hopes were short lived.  I honestly should have expected this, as it always happens when I come home and has always been the case in my home; an alcoholic father (who denies ever drinking, when he drinks 2 bottles of wine a night plus beer or whiskey)  and a mother easily agitated because of all the stress around her and I feel like I need to be the support pillar for my mother (and all my friends), when all I need right now is a little support and understanding from someone.  I feel like a wreck, and feel more suicidal today than I have in the last 2 weeks, and it is only my first day out of seven back home. Jesus fucking christ.
I don't want to be here anymore, anywhere at all; I want to disappear because then maybe everything else will disappear as well; all my problems and all my flaws.

I'm lost, but I don't feel it.

Confusing title, because I am utterly and truly confused.  Some days I wake up and think "I don't have a problem; this is all in my head and I'm fine.  Sure I take laxatives daily, and throw up and restrict and binge, but I am not out of control.  I am not disordered. I am fine and just over dramatic." Yet, I know this is not so. I know because if someone else did what I do on a daily basis, I would tell them they need help; yet I cannot help, but feel this way sometimes. 

I have also been craving to start etching once again, but I haven't for fear I will start self harming again (as the razor on the etching knives are extremely sharp and cut the skin very easily; my old one is at my parents house, but it is all rusted from the blood and so I would have to buy a new one and I know that if I do, my thighs will be all sliced up again).  I wish I could do things that I enjoy, without fear of hurting myself; just like with drinking, I become dangerously reckless and suicidal (without of course verbally expressing it and blaming the injuries on the alcohol). 

I think my biggest problem is that I hate myself, and no matter how far I move; no matter the amount of friends I make or let go of; no matter how much I change my appearance; the fact remains I cannot run away from myself, but I don't know how to face myself.  I don't know the solution to my problem;  my problem being myself and my hatred for myself.  What is the solution? How do I overcome this, because god knows I have tried and yet here I am with a problem bigger than it began.

(on Mont Royal)

  

 You cannot find peace by avoiding life - V. Woolf. 

I AM NOT AN OBJECT OF YOUR SEXUAL DESIRES: I AM NOT AN OBJECT PERIOD. I AM NOT A CHILD AND I AM NOT INVISIBLE. I AM A FUCKING HUMAN BEING.

sometimes I get on the verge of tears from the way people, and especially men whom I encounter treat me.  I just want to talk with you without you saying freaky stuff like "I want to do _____ and ________ to you." and "come cuddle and have sex. now."  NO I fucking won't and keep that shit to yourself; it's disturbing to hear everytime you write what you want to do with me, because it only shows how you only view me as a sexual object.  FUCKING NO. men are vile.  not all men, but the most recent men I have come into contact with are vile, unashamed, disgusting low lives.

All around there are poisons.

Honestly, not only are a lot of common household plants and flowers poisonous, but some plants we eat are as well; at least part of the plants that is.   For example rhubarb leaves are poisonous and mixing them with water and soda makes them even more so; green potatoes (obviously since they belong to the nightshade family),  the leaves and stems of tomatoes, the pits of cherries and bitter almonds that aren't heat treated (though most countries have either made them illegal or made all almonds heat treated).   There are also a startling amount of plants you can find around in nearby forests and ravines that contain poison, either from the flower or stem or leaves; lets not forget all the poisons around us in the products we use, even common eye drops when ingested cause one to fall ill with the runs and terrible stomach pains. I also forgot to mention castor oil; you see castor seeds contain a deadly poison called ricin (a protein), however the castor oil is heat treated during the process and therefore causing the protein to become inactive; thank goodness for that, because castor oil is used in A LOT of products ranging from cosmetics to food packaging to medicines etc.

 Rhubarb leaves; they appear harmless, but are quite the contrary.

I kinda sound like an advertisement/fact teller, but I'm just fascinated with plants and their uses and so happened to stumble upon other forms of poison while researching (I swear to god I am not a dark evil person; maybe I should switch my career choice to botanist ;] )

On another note I am going to see Star Trek into the Darkness tonight ♥  I haven't been out in awhile so I kinda need this, although I am not looking forward to paying however much it costs for a 3D admission -_- I still need to buy my bus tickets home and register for the conference...  Ahh the harsh life of a student living an adult life (ie living on my own means).


Laxatives also seem to be loosing their effectiveness again, which really sucks, because I hate having all that disgusting, fatty, chemical foods in my body for longer than a  few hours.  And I saw a picture of my friend and she's losing weight again, and I know it shouldn't, but it makes me so much more motivated to lose weight;  I haven't weighed myself in weeks so I honestly have no clue how much I weigh, but I have been walking a lot thanks to work and going on walks on Mount Royal. 

Realizations, but no solutions.

I've come to the realization, not too long ago, that I need help; I am unwell and I do not know how much longer I can keep going by myself.  Today on skype, I told my mother how sometimes I think about quitting university, working for a year, moving to Europe and doing university there.  But it would still be just as hard there as it is here, she told me, and I don't know I almost broke down crying, but I did not and I just avoided looking at the screen/her and I just told her again that it was all too hard for me.  She asked why I didn't stay in Toronto and I told her it would have been harder there; the rent is at the very minimum twice as expensive and public transportation is almost thrice that much.  We were both silent for a few seconds and then she suggested I move back and finish university at our university in my hometown (it is one of the highest ranking in Canada, and it's top party school).  I was a bit thrilled my mother had offered, but I have too much pride sometimes to move back and it is too late to transfer.   Even if I did decide for next year to transfer universities, not all my credits would go through and I wouldn't be able to live with my parents for so long; but I think I have come up with a compromise that may save me a bit next year.  I have decided for next summer I will sublet my apartment and stay 4 months with my parents and work at one of the two museums in my hometown.   Now I know it doesn't make sense for me to go back to my parents, but realizing how unwell I am and unstable, it just honestly scares me, and by being around people all the time (my siblings, my parents etc) and by having my parents still be a little controlling, I think I could relax a bit more and not be so afraid and isolated and scared of myself for what I might do to myself. Sometimes I hope; despite how horrible it is; that my heart may stop from all the abuse I have been putting my body through, and that I am somehow saved and thus my parents find out and take me home/I get put into treatment and this is where I am losing my train of thought and everything becomes unclear and I no longer know what I wanted to say or what the conclusion of this thought/paragraph was.

But I do not think I can last until next summer.  I am way to far over in this, and it's not going away.  I don't think it ever will.

All good things must come to an end.

I'm referring to that feeling I had a week or so ago when I just felt calm, like I didn't want to die.  Well here I am once again feeling that awful feeling and not wanting to live.  I know I sound so casual talking about it, but it's just something I experience so often that I have normalized it to a certain degree; but I also don't want to die.  If I could I would re-make myself; get a new id, new birth certificate, new age and move to a different country and start university all over and finally live my life.   Even if I did manage to get a new id and everything I couldn't just leave because people wouldn't know what really happened and I think it would really hurt my siblings and parents more than suicide.  On the subject of siblings and parents, I think my sister has major hormonal problems/imbalances at which my mother got mad at me for when I told her this through skype (anything hormonal/psychiatric/any health problems that have anything to do with behaviour is huge stigma with my mother).   I skyped my mother, who was really upset, because it turns out my sister; my 12 year old sister; called my mother a  "stupid fucking bitch" for no reason.  They weren't even having an argument.  Basically they were walking from the bus stop and my mother told my sister that she made her favourite salad and my sister responded by saying "I didn't even want that you stupid fucking bitch."  Yes that is way out of line for any child to say to a parent; downright disrespectful and my mother cried for two hours afterwards.  The thing is though that my sister was totally happy and suddenly turned angry, and this happens often.  She can be happy and fine and the next minute she is mad at everyone and acting like everyone is doing something wrong. My family is not rich, my sister is not spoiled like most kids, and she was very sick when she was a toddler and had to take strong medication and steroids for it and I honestly think it just wacked her hormones/something is not right, because that is not 'normal' behaviour. Anyways I told this to my mom, as it is concerning, and she just shut me down.  She accused me of trying to make my sister into a 'sick' person, when really all I said was maybe she has a hormone problem and maybe she should take her to the doctor because this has been going on for years.  Okay so I'll let my mother do what she thinks is best, but this just opened up a discussion about our own relationship with each other, which made me realize how broken our relationship really is; which I already knew, but sometimes it's nice to ignore the ugly stuff we can in our lives; and then my mother said something that made me want to mend this relationship.  Not leave it in the corner and go on stepping over dust and broken glass, but actually clean it up and start anew.   My mother said "I only ever cried at your birth. Out of all five children I only cried for you."  I didn't understand so I asked why and she told me "because you were a girl.  I finally had a daughter, I was so happy. You were my first girl." And now I feel even more lost than ever, because all this time I believed my mother wanted to love me, but couldn't, yet it seems she loved me enough to cry only for me when I was born; now I have to try and rearrange and organize and construct new theories and ideas to make sense of our relationship and behaviours to one another. 

I'm honestly thinking if I can't figure things out; everything and just a few things; I might go to a florist and buy a plant or two of poisonous flowers and drink them as tea or put them in my salads (depending on the plant).  This way it will take a few days/weeks, would most likely not look like suicide and gives me time to change my mind and/or tie up lose ends and get all my business in order.
If I did do this, it would not be now, I would wait until August or September maybe.  I don't know things change, hopefully they will for the better. 

decisions, decisions, decisions and tears.

So I ended up crying today at work; nothing particular just stress that was building up for awhile (perhaps all the stress from finals and moving that I just bottled up?).   Anyways it was super embarrassing, and I could feel I was going to cry, but I was trying so hard not to and right before I did (I was working fitting rooms) one of the clients coming back out could tell I was going to cry and he gave me a sympathetic look and gently touched my shoulder. Afterwards I went to the back of our area in fitting rooms where the racks of clothes are and started crying, but I realized I was going to cry and I mean heave and gasp cry so I ran to the bathroom in the employee lounge.  One of my managers heard what happened and she was really nice about it and said that sometimes clients can get to you and that just yesterday she almost cried, and felt tears welling up from a really rude customer.  I have great coworkers and amazing managers and I'm so grateful ♥  

I'm also having the dilemma if I want to start seeing a psychiatrist, because I found this amazing clinic and they do a sliding scale (I think I mentioned this before, but they charge based on income).  But I am so nervous to call and set up an appointment and what if they don't take me seriously or think I need to be seeing them; I'm so nervous :[
I'll decide by next payday if I am going to or not.

Finally all moved in and university is over until september :']

Hot nights, damp sheets and phantom smells

So packing everything into my dad's minivan was stressful, but once we got to my new apartment, everything went smoothly.  My dad and I actually spent a good 7 hours outside afterwards, visiting two museums and walking up to the top of Mount Royal, and it was super hot; felt like 30 degrees with the sun beating down on you, which was super nice.   The nights have also been hot, which is a bit of a bother, but I'm not going to complain since I love summer and hot weather.   I think this weather and this move have prompted a more positive me; I'm trying to take better care of myself by washing my face daily, moisturizing, getting enough sleep etc.   I have also started wearing make up (mascara), but I think I will stop since I just prefer going natural and my eyes have been doing this weird thing where they sting and start to tear up so bad tears stream down my face (I think it's because of wearing mascara?). 

Also I had 'scary' dream, well not scary persay, but unpleasant:  basically people were saying I needed help with my throwing up and laxative abuse and so they got this lady to come talk with me and after talking for a bit I said something (which I cannot remember what) and her face kinda looked shocked; she then said "oh I thought this was for attention, not a real case of eating disorder" (or something like that) at which point I panicked and told her we could make a deal, and that if I started eating normal and not purging she wouldn't tell anyone.   I also had these two friends who kept following me everywhere/not letting me be by myself cause they had to 'take care of me' (because of my purging) and didn't want me to run away.   It left an unsettling feeling in me once I woke up.   I don't know, I just don't really like dreams like that.  
My heart/circulation/body have all been doing odd things lately, which I will not get into right now as it is late and I need to get up early tomorrow, but it's a bit frightening yet a bit thrilling at the same time.

For the first time in two years

As I was taking the bus to the library today I realized that I wanted to live; for the first time in 2 years I did not want to die; I had no suicidal feelings.  It was absolutely amazing, although I couldn't figure out why I felt this way, where it was coming from; it was just this feeling, this emotion that I wanted to live. Not that I had to live or couldn't die, but that I want to live.  I know it doesn't sound like a big thing, but for me; a person who for the last two years has almost constantly wanted to die; it is a big freakin' deal; it's like a breakthrough and I hope to goodness graciousness it does not leave me.

This the season of moving!

Oh joy! I am in the midst of packing and I am moving in two days and have no internet at the moment so I'm using my university's wifi when I have time to come down; but I probably won't post until about Friday or Thursday.  Moving is so stressful; I don't even know why, but it is just soo overwhelming :[


Also I wore mascara yestereday (saturday).  I have not worn make up in a solid five months and it was soo hard getting all of the mascara off after.

Me before work on saturday with mascara on ~

wowww.

I honestly felt like my blood sugar dropped today when I was in the library and ate a chocolate bar and a pizza pocket thing (2 of them) which just caused me to go to the bathroom and it took about an hour or so before I started feeling less shaky; maybe it's dehydration?  Also I think I have gotten an actual, not going away, hemorrhoid or something;  it is like a swollen vein and it is PAINFUL.  I'll see if it doesn't go away by Monday I'll buy that H Cream they sell in pharmacies ~
I keep telling myself I'll stop with the laxatives, but it never works.  I hate this, I hate it so much.   I spend so much money on laxatives; money I don't.  I'm also getting varicose veins on the back of my knee on my right leg (at least it looks like varicose veins) and it looks absolutely horrid. I just look horrid in general. 

Although I must say I look decent when I take pictures with my ipod in the mornings cause the light makes my skin look soo good ~   if only this was the reality ;[

Me yesterday morning; if only my skin looked this good in reality. 

I also discovered a most wondrous book, unlike any other, just a few moments ago and I will post with pictures later about it as I am squealing with excitement from stumbling upon such a find (although I really must get back to writing my take home exam). 

I think I may put on make up on saturday or sunday, because I haven't worn makeup in about 5 months (and my eyelashes have gotten so thick!); but now that I'm used to make up I really don't wanna put any on, although I should since I look like crap 24/7.

Lastly I want to dye my hair black, but I realize I am way too pale at the moment; or more accurately everyone has been pointing out that I am too pale.  I kinda want to dye it like a bleach blonde mint colour but my hair is way too damaged to go lighter and I cannot find any semi-permanent hair colours that I would want other than black; I feel like if I did dye it black everyone would probably be right....

Sometimes I like my nose (but most of the time I don't). 

 

One last selfie I'm posting, because it would be a waste to not post all the pictures I take while I'm in the library studying...

 

One last thing: I'm thinking of starting a vlog ! I'm just not sure how to post videos on youtube, but once I have them done and up I will link them on here :]