I feel boxed up and thinking of recovery?

 It has never really been about weight;  I first started throwing up as a coping mechanism for stress which progressed and eventually became an on/off  thing with restricting.  I would have weeks were I would binge and purge and weeks where I would restrict and fast and exercise.   This has been going on for three and a half years, and it's gotten to the point where I don't just want to get smaller, a lot smaller, but I want to get sicker as well.  I don't know, I don't really understand, but I know that's what I want.   Sitting here thinking about this I realized how silly and wrong I am being - I mean I could be a lot smaller by just drinking one or two vegan meal replacement shakes and I would be a lot healthier too.   But this kind of thought scares me; recovery scares me, but most of all being healthy and living a long life just
petrifies me for some reason. 

my legs: my calves have always bugged me.  You can kind of see them in the picture.

I don't know.  I may try a meal replacement diet with vegan acidophilus (bio-k) for the month of March without laxatives, but I'm not sure that would count as recovery?
Ahhh things are just too confusing and I make my life more complicated than it should be.

Cleaning, snow and being sleeping beauty.

So I finally took off the duvet and pillow covers (about time I washed them) and put on a fresh mattress cover, took out the garbage and today after my lecture I will proceed to continue cleaning my room. My enthusiasm to get my room to a pristine condition may be mostly in part to the fact that I think I found [and killed] a cockroach.   Which scares the living daylights out of me and I looked in the corners (where there are holes in the wall - it's an old building), but I don't see any cockroach poop droppings and so my fear brings me to the bottom of my closet because that's where all the drain pipes from the bathroom are located.  I am just hoping and praying that I have no cockroaches in my room and that they came from another part of my apartment.  

Secondly,  I have been sleeping A LOT.  Like holy crap, I think I may be turning into a hibernating bear, although a sleeping beauty reference sounds much more appealing.  I wake up, go to my lecture(s), come back and take a 2 - 3 hour nap, be awake for a few more hours then proceed to going back to sleep.  I am thinking this is either due to my anemia (which I haven't been taking my iron pills for) or to stress/depression.   And I'm also very lethargic; I am a turtle, a hibernating turtle.

why do I do this to myself?

sometimes I ask myself that question and the only answer I can come up with is that I just really, really dislike myself.  The funny thing is, if someone asked me what I disliked/hated about myself I wouldn't really have an answer - I kinda would, but it wouldn't be concrete. 

Other times I just feel like I don't have a problem, and that it's all in my head and I'm over-analyzing my situation.  Like these past few days I just cannot seem to understand that I have a problem: sure I take over 6 laxatives everyday, and self harm sometimes and go through months of throwing and starve myself sometimes, but it doesn't seem like a big deal.  I feel like I'm being a baby over this by thinking I may have a problem.  

On an upper note my little brother recieved my birthday present that I bought him off redbubble ♥
It's a children's Pikkalink shirt :"] I bought the size 10 and it fits him perfect with room to spare.
 He was so happy that when I was skyping my mom today before work he was walking around in the background making sure I saw he was wearing the shirt ♥   I honest to God love my siblings so so much.  I do not know what I'd do without them, they are everything to me and they're the ones I think of when I'm at my worst.  

I'm also thinking that once this semester is over I'm going to buy myself a canvas and start painting again, because I feel like when I paint it helps me somehow.

And yet sometimes I like to imagine that my sadness can turn into something beautiful - I do try to be optimistic.

sorry for not updating

I got sick last week (like fever and all) and it was the beginning of new classes so I sort of didn't update in awhile. 

Firstly I must say my acid reflux must be getting worse or there's something legitimately wrong with my body;  I woke up at 4 am feeling awfully unwell, practically fell out of bed and just sat/laid beside my garbage can heaving and gagging.  The only thing that came out was this green/yellow liquid which I'm guessing was bile and my throat burned so bad (the same intense burn I'd get after intense purging cycles vomiting).  The thing is I am not sick, I got over my cold last week and since last Friday I have felt fine and feel fine now as well. It was odd, not fun and it interrupted my sleep :[

Secondly I have been having frequent "anemia-attacks" - not sure what to call it, but I get terribly nauseous and hot and shaky and feel like I need to lay down.  Even when I lay down it takes a long time for it to pass and it's horrible.  I wonder how long I can keep pretending ?

Lonely

and I have no one else to blame but myself.  I have alienated and distanced myself from a lot of people I met when I first moved here 5 - 6 months ago and am more lonely than ever :[  
However this post won't be so depressing like usual cause I have fun things to share:

• I got more than expected for my pay on Friday so went out to Forever 21 and bought myself a knit sweater (it was on sale for $13, normally $29, and was also 50% off so I payed like 6.50 for it!);  a red Marvel, sleeveless shirt (bought it in a medium so it goes just past my butt for $15.80);  these cute retro earrings for $4.80;  super, super, super cute striped headband with bow on it and 2 bottles of nail polish (sparkly mint colour and see-through blue sparkles).  ♥  decided to spoil myself a bit since I haven't been out in months,  had a tough last semester, worked a lot and because I did well in my classes :"] 

The earrings I bought ♥

• I started working out again; forgot how good the burn feels.  
• I got tipsy drunk off 3 coolers last night while dancing around my room to songs off youtube (namely ABBA), cause I'm a loner and have no one to go out with on a Friday night.  Ok honestly I had fun last night, despite being by myself and it kinda being pathetic getting drunk alone: it was fun.  And I got exercise as well ;] Only bad thing is I get very sad and self destructive at a certain point (I think it's the part when I'm drunk, but am slowly sobering up?).

• Despite my bad binges I have managed not to gain weight (perhaps it's because I still abuse laxatives...)
• My bunny and I have become closer :"} I think? it's hard to tell with rabbits -_-' 

Oh and facemask time today :] 

Food and my fat self

So I was planning on doing a fast today, but as life would have it I ended up going to a thai fast food place in the food court.  Their portion sizes are pretty big, but I ate maybe 1/5th of the food before something clicked in my head and I thought to myself "what the hell am I doing?" and  stopped. I managed to stop myself from eating delicious (and their food is honestly sooo good) food that I paid $12 for.  Money down the drain, but hey at least I didn't do what I normally do (which is eat almost all of it because I already broke my fast and paid for it, but nope I'm in control now). I am so happy because even though my fast was broken, I only ate a bit.  I also took 2 laxatives this morning and 3 right after I ate a bit of the thai food which calmed me down and made me feel back in control.  Hmm ya :] I got this.
After leaving the food court I made my way to the shoppers drug mart (or pharmaprix as it's called in Quebec) and bought another box of 30 laxatives and I noticed that this fibre/laxative drink powder was on sale so bought it as well. I swear the people at pharmaprix must think I have serious constipation problems    
 -_-' .

Oh and not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but I was feeling extremely self destructive last week and bruised up my right hip pretty good, as well as my left shoulder; the hip is all purple, blue and turning green in some spots.  I never cease to surprise myself with what I do.

 A close up of my bruise, although this was taken 2 days ago and now it's a deeper purple colour.

And down the rabbit hole I go.

I have been feeling sicker and sicker.  By that I mean my stomach pains and these "colics" are more frequent; I think it's indigestion, because I always get these acute severe pains after eating a lot. I did end up buying these vegetable capsule things that help your digestion (called Digestaction; supposed to help eliminate bloating, gas, indigestion and help boost a slow metabolism), but I don't think it's been working particularly well.   The weird thing about these "colics" I seem to be getting is that the pain subsides a lot when I lay or recline on my back (it usually takes a minimum of 30 min of laying down on my back for me to be okay to sit up and stand up).

Another thing: fluorescent lights - the ones found in most stores - really make me look super washed out pale.  I caught my reflection in a mirror yesterday as I was working at my job and realized how bad my complexion actually looked (no wonder everyone always asks if I'm okay and always points out how pale I am, cause those lights make me look scary shitty).   And as I'm typing this I am forcing myself to drink at least a cup of water (slowly of course), as I feel so nauseous, unwell and I feel like my blood pressure is low.  Cracked open my window a bit too, and the cold frigid air is doing me some good.

Ughh... that's how I feel most of the time.  Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I dislike myself so much?

Too late for questions cause I went down the rabbit hole long  

ago and my curiosity keeps taking  me further into "wonderland"

If you can call it that